Old Personal News

(starting with the week ending10-10-04)

Halloween 10-31-04

After finishing up Sunday night 10-24, it was Monday morning; up with no shower--we showered late last night. I'm trying to mix it up so as to get over the boring shit. To work, where those of us who did come to work Saturday were rewarded. Woo. Pumpkin decorating is cool. I had some good calls, but the phones were not working so well. Eventually it was all over, and I went to workout. I went a little soft today, and did not hurry; I knew that abs class was coming. And it killed me. So then I swerved home to add some spice to the broccoflower rice. Good move. Then the snuggle was a firm romp. After the shower we did a load of laundry, yawn, and I dangled. My brain tried to swirl around, but it's just too much damn effort. Watched some taped tv, and now it's almost 12. How is it so late? Finished my New England Patriots commentary. Ack. Sleep. Up
in good enough shape for work Tuesday. I would make this a good day. I thought. Man, we are on the edge of some major kind of something. Here's your media update: Thousands of nuclear warheads, or missiles, things that make you go "boom", 380,000 lbs. of bombs, whatever they are, all have been stolen from Iraq. That's enough 'earth-shattering kaboom' for at least 2 full planet earths (maybe), but the big news story today is about Ashlee Simpson lip-synching on SNL. I'm over here going "huh?". Isn't there a new Bill Hicks DVD out with 3 of his best live performances ever--and isn't that better entertainment news than any Simpson sister shitting herself on tv? BOMBS; okay? Thousands of fucking bombs have been stolen from an already unstable country; lip-synch my hairy white ass, Ashlee. I oughta be a newscaster. Where the hell was I? Tuesday? Sure; so I produced a little. By the day's end, I was happy enough with the accomplishments. And I was in a good enough mood. I thought. Saw the big black truck on my way out, grrr. Got his tag #. I was looking for a place to pull over and write his tag # down, and I turned into the new thrift bakery on 19th Ave. New? Apparently it's been there for 2 years. Okay. Bought some bread. Then we went to Wal-Mart and watched unsupervised children go wild; I actually wanted to spank a couple of little girls--Mr. Pervert is here to help. Bought Gus some killer fuel injector cleaner, too. Checked my oil; it's dry again. Great. Then home to start cooking; so I thought. I spilled a full cup of Code Red on the counter, it was NOT physically impossible this time, just unlucky. And I thought that I had done controlled rage, but apparently not. Huffing and puffing--I was, and by the time it was cleaned up, Static Girl was in her room with her door shut. Oops. And I was having a pretty good day, I thought. So now we're in apology mode. Great. Why is it all my fault? Have I mentioned lately that I never fucking asked to be here? We watched Angel, and it was okay. But it's all quiet in here, and not so friendly. I could go to the bar a night early, but what does that solve? Actually, it solves nothing, and it's a really bad idea, so...I went to the bar. Cool. I determined since both pinball machines were fritzing that my only escape could be golf. So I golfed. It felt pretty good. Okay. And then I came home to crash. Only got 4 hours of sleep, and I'm up
for work Wednesday. During my morning drive prayers ("Morning drive" is the old radio term for the morning work shift on the air, and since I am no longer on the radio, I no longer listen to the stupid fucking radio in the morning. I say my prayers instead. Fuck you. I get more accomplished by talking to myself anyway. And by the way, God likes our little talks.) I determined that I would hat-trick by lunch. Sure. It's a lofty goal, and probably unlikely, but so what? I had a few good calls. Okay. Not only was I the only person on the team to hat-trick, but I hat-tricked before lunch. Ha. And the day kept going by. I'm going drinking tonight. Wait; I drank last night. All I think about is drinking. Oh yeah, I forgot--I'm a drunk. Never mind. So I'm driving home in my daze. Decided to go by the Checker and get some oil and transmission fluid. Good choice. It may have made Gus happy, too. Driving past the laundromat I looked in and saw the side of a familiar pinball cabinet. No way. Um, yes. Don't know how long it's been there, but there's an Addam's Family pinball in my neighborhood. I'll come and play it before the big bar run tonight. Cool. Home to cook, no, I cooked dinner yesterday. Girlfriend got into the tupperware and ate without me, but she doesn't seem like she's still pissed. Who knows? We are talking about Static Girl. Oh yeah, she's way out there today. She even said that I annoy her sometimes. Sometimes? My ass, sometimes. I annoy that crazy bitch everyday; I also make her smile everyday, and offer to worship her body everyday. I'm a busy drunk over here; I don't get enough credit. So I don't even care about snuggle (lies), but then there would be some good snuggle anyway. Yay. Then I took my first shower to Caviar's "Last Rays of the Sun"; that was sweet. And then we went out on the balcony to look at the lunar eclipse. Clouds everywhere. Not much on the eclipse thing. Blood red, supposedly. Scary, woo. Fucking clouds. But I'm going to go play TAF, so I felt okay. Called TPG, and he was with Pool Guy at the nudey bar already--they'll catch up with me later at Sam's. Let's talk about pinball. The laundromat game works fine, but it's a side drainer and an easy tilt. Oh, and both the Thing flips flipper, and the upper right are limp noodles. However, I LOVED hearing all of the old Raul Julia comments, especially "Keep the ball, I have a whole pocket full." And I had one amazing multiball with 2 super jackpots, and that won me a game. To win even 1 game on this thing was impressive (lucky), and I am easily amused. So I drove on over to Sam's. I would play some tough Southpark pinball alone. Good choice. I experimented with the repositioned flippers to find out what COULD be done. Turns out that this is what I do; I improvise. I wish life were as easy as winning pinball replays, but that's another story. I somehow won 3 replays on a 2-player game, and that was without a match (sometimes I amaze myself). TPG and Pool Guy showed. ACE was there, too. We golfed, and I proceeded to both kill them, and get wasted. It's almost like I'm a drunk or something. Turns out I'm a drunk golf wizard; got a -20 on my last game. Wow. Home to crash. Woke up
to the alarm at 9:30 Thursday morning. Got up and got productive. 2 loads of laundry, a trip to Safeway for ribs and quarters, and then we cleaned some house. Good boy. Watched all of my built-up tv for 2 days, and read most of the week's paper--little people in Indonesia--a whole race; you saw that shit, right? Then I started cooking up potatos for dinner. It turned into potato/squash/mushrooms with garlic, and I am an amazing cook. Almost a chef, even. There's a crazy downer lag, sure, and I'm not writing, and I'm ignoring literally a dozen e-mailers. Hey this is my world here. Listening to Caviar again, for the 10 millionth time already. Might have to play some Fig Dish, too. Static Girl's online, so I can't call anybody. I just don't feel like the great communicator right now. Why hasn't the world ended yet? We definitely need some Fig Dish. Yes. Stayed up till midnight, foolishly uninspired. Hmmm. We're sleeping, until overdose drummer boy's stereo woke me up at 4 am. What the fuck? It's time to get those little bitches kicked out of here. Up
and ready for work Friday. Had to make lunch. Moldy oranges? Slapped some of my FCP's alien stickers on my shirt and called myself a conspiracy buff for Halloween at work. On the morning drive prayers I asked for another hat-trick; that'd just be incredible, right? Yeah, so we didn't have to work all that hard today, nobody did anywhere on Halloween Friday, and somehow...I fucking hat-tricked again. I'm almost ready to say that God is working with me. Right. Then I went for a nice 2-round workout with Crack-Boy; J helped me with my squat form; we like the squats. On the ride home I almost got in an accident that would have been this other asshole's fault, right, but I threw a total screaming shit fit at him--I don't think God was real happy with me at that particular point. But I made a nice showing at the bank, and flirted with that same Andrea girl again. She says that direct deposit might take up to a month to kick in. My check, I didn't even mention my check. My check was not bad at all for 73 hours and $25 in bonus. I need to get more hours and quit screwing up my bonus on the phone. Sheeit. Home to make yummy ramen for my girl. She appreciates my efforts. We watched Angel, and then sat in the dark and talked for awhile. Nice. I gave her an out if she wanted, but we went for snuggle. Yay. Then I showered to Stabbing Westward's "Save Yourself"; that's 6 years old now? Wow. I'm tired. But I'm still kicking. Caviar; who'd have thunk it? TPG is out looking for Pool Guy; I am at home in my sweats. It's a tad chilly here in desert world. Before 10 pm, and she goes to bed. I should be going to bed; but all of a sudden I'm listening to Crystal Method. Actually stayed up until after 11, but then went to bed. Up
in the dark for work Saturday. It's nice going to work in dirty clothes. On the ride in I thanked for the past few days, and asked for another good day (another hat trick). I said something about how one more good day would be proof of my connection. I get there early, and I'll stay late. We are busy. And I had doubts; but then things started happening. Actually I hat-tricked before 7:30 am. Wow. I wound up being the best overall today--which is very impressive on our team. Man. Connected. Then we had our pizza party at the end of the shift. Lots of pie, and zero heartburn. Cool. So I'm heading home to brag to my baby, and check on the GA/FLA game. It's too exciting; I had to take a nap. Then I watched UGA kneel on the ball to win in Jacksonville for the first time in 7 years. Yay. I am happy. Now I'm updating and hearing Caviar again. Then we're getting ready for a party night. Saving lives on the way, and then--of all people, Pool Guy shows up! Woo. So it became a full-on blowout. I did go win a couple of games on TAF at the laundromat, too. Home to make monster nachos, and then crash. Up
Sunday after an hour of snooze button boogie, the whole world is only 2 hours ahead of us now. I'm watching football, and reading newspapers. It's blah and boring. Bought some more candy for the kidsters, and got all tuned up for the Patriots game. What a disappointment. Oh well. My FCP called to see if I was still alive; I think so. Also talked to Mom about the current state of affairs. She's supportive. And checked in with TPG. Saw the magic bullet infomercial on tv; that looks like the coolest kitchen tool yet--it does everything--have you seen it? I want one. Other than that, fuck you, I'm still not over the blues or the blahs.


The rest of 10-17 had me sitting at home, quietly, trying to not upset my "blah" girlfriend. Watched more football and checked e-mail. Static Girl's idea of not wasting the gasoline to do needless things is a good one--so I stayed home today. Now it's pushing 10 pm...Bed. Up
for work Monday. This would be a good day with another hat trick; lots of candy, too. Everybody has their own story of how the education institution is falling apart; here's my latest example: Training teacher writes up on the board the word "Definately". That's bad, yes, but that's not the problem. I pointed out that the word was misspelled, and then the teacher--and the whole class stared blankly at the board for about 10 seconds. Apparently I was the only person who knew that the word in question doesn't have an "A" in it. Sure, I'm smarter than the average sheep, but this is hardly grad skool spelling bee material. Post-work workout, after almost getting run over by a big black truck. Abs class Monday is a killer for me. Then home to fry up yummy rice. Girlfriend was almost as impressed as I was. Then we had nice snuggle. Watched some tv and did laundry. Low key. Pretty boring, actually. Now 10:30, and I'm tired enough. Up
and kicking for Tuesday. I would have a pretty good day at work--another big hat trick. Also filled out an incident report for the big black truck. Went and got a cookie for my girlfriend, some groceries, and home to cook dinner. Watched Angel, and I was ready to go out. Played some amazing golf, and had a blast. Saw ACE, and beat him 2wice. Came home and felt crappy; like I was getting sick. Turns out that maybe I was. Getting up
on Wednesday was ugly, and I decided to blow it off. This will upset girlfriend, but I can't worry about that. Slept in after gargling with some salt water. Up after 11, and eventually I would go eat Mexican food and shop. Talked to my FCP, and she's doing well. Then the evening turned into tv time; watched the Red Sox beat the Yankees. Didn't even talk to Static Girlfriend; whatever. Quiet. Depressed. I'm leaving early 2maro. Up
early for work Thursday. Organized short thoughts on the way in again. Clocked in before 6:30. Had an okay day--the morning thought-gathering appears to be working. It started raining. Maybe rain is good. Had to walk to get my sweats in the medium rain. Put in a decent workout, too. Came home in the rain to make my g/j veggie machoroni. Yum, but still a tad boring. I feel really drained. It's going to be an early night. What do I want from Static Family for Christmas? Drugs? Up
early again for work Friday. I am casual; I am the man. It was just yesterday; why can't I remember it better? Organized thoughts on the way in, and we started slow. Eventually it got better. By the end of the day I had produced well, but I was drained. Came home to cook. Why can't I remember what I cooked? Maybe potatos. No Angel; basketball has begun. What a crock. Then we had great snuggle. The dilemma came when trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my evening. I decided that the only chance to see Pool Guy was to be at the bar between 8 and 9. Static Girl claimed she was only concerned that I make it to work 2maro. Turns out...A-13 had a ball stuck in an advantageous place so as to make it beatable again, so I started whupping it. Long about 8:40, Pool Guy shows up. Cool. So it became a fun time for all. Sure I stayed too late. E-Rock and his babe wife want me to go cheer for another one of their bands next week. Home after 11, but not too late. Set my alarm, and got up
early for work Saturday. Static Girl was impressed with me; me, too. Cool. I couldn't talk, but I could sell. I couldn't breathe either, but I had a whole day's worth of sales in less than 2 hours. My team was inspired by my luck, and then everybody started producing. We set like, 3 different records or something. One other guy and I had double digits; wow, huh? Amazing. Forgot to take my workout clothes, so I came home at noon to eat the rest of my g/jvm. Cooked up the broccoflower, too, so my girl will have plenty of choices in the fridge. Watched most of Apollo 13 on the warped tour with her. Cool. Now; to go see UGA at the bar? Yes. Go Dawgs! Then came world series stuff. I played great golf; both pinballs are screwed again. Came home before 11 and ate some carrots. Crash before 12 to get some sleep. Nice. Up
before 10 am Sunday. Overdose drummer boy's stereo has been going loud since 3 am. Only 2 football games? No Sunday night game? What is this shit? I feel lazy, too. Hash brown breakfast. It's noon. I could shop, or clean. Or maybe none of the above. First I'm going to eat some more hash browns...It took awhile, but I wound up shopping at 3 stores and cleaning a bit. The world series game tonight might be the reason for no NFL. My Patriots won again. I could do a commentary on them. There's lots of food in the fridge; we had to do some combining. Pretty boring. I'd sure quit reading this stupid site where the guy is deleting his own shock value and trying to duck the internet police. Why bother? This shit sucks. Crystal Method and Caviar barely help it while it's live--I can't imagine trying to read this crap and call it entertainment. I'm not entertained. Static Girl's playing one of her 'nature sounds' tapes--that's more entertaining than this junk.


Monday, 10-11, Columbus Day, started without much fanfare. Financial tribbles; turns out I'm not $80 ahead, I'm broke till Friday--car insurance, dammit. (The word for Tuesday could be "plasma".) I decided to be in a good mood for Monday anyway. No big deal; I'd just show a good mood, and make people think that all is fine with me in my little world. You know that I get lucky sometimes, right? Okay; well I had the voice working today. It can get me in trouble, and sometimes it can get good results. So I made progress. This kept my good mood going; funny how that shit all links up sometimes. Oil is $53.62 a fucking barrel now! Whatever. If the end is near, I'm just going to smile and welcome it. What took you so long? Did so well at work that I won a t-shirt; woo. Then I'm working out, new tummy exercises, and doing abs class at 3:50. Monstrous. Home to fry up the broccoli and rice-cooked-in-the-broccoli's-water. I am amazing in the kitchen--and I can cook, too. Wow. Angel tv, and then it's snuggle time. Girlfriend has raincoats. Cool! It goes well, and then I'm glancing at tv--baseball playoffs have been eliminating my PTI, boo. Now back here on the computer; nothing is too big a thrill. Overdose drummer boy's having a party downstairs, but I'm going to bed early. Started, finished, whatever, my Arizona Drought commentary. Maybe I'll be nicer to golfers when I'm making $ off of them. Sleep.Up
for work Tuesday. I tried to gather my thoughts on the way in, but there's not alot of time there. However, I had a great day at work. It started well, and only got better, hmmm. Had the voice and the fake good mood working again, go me. Earned a few trinkets, including a pretty green calculator for my girlfriend. And some other stuff. We all did well. Pretty soon it's time to go. I got some groceries and headed home for leftover g/j mac + cheese. Yum. Still trying to figure out finances...naaa, let's call my FCP. She called back soon, and that's a nice talk. Girlfriend had a rough day--she said that my giving her the calculator was the highlight of hers; poor thing. And because I was happy about my day, she withdrew, and then I wrongly asked her to keep the phone line open for my business-helper guy in Utah...I messed up. Set up to talk to him on Thursday, but it was too late to fix anything with Static Girl. So she's pissed, and then she's in bed before 8. I'm watching my girlie show and taping Scrubs. Talked to TPG; he's okay. We just don't know about 2maro night. I would eventually go to bed, and get up
for work Wednesday. Again I tried to gather thoughts on the way in--no radio. It may have helped. Wound up having a great first hour, and after training we did more. Things are really starting to fall into place, mostly. There are a few places where I need some better applications. But I got my first hat-trick today, and we'll take it! Post-work, it's gym time! It will be 4 total people from my class working out down there. My new method is to do 3 sets of trunk (6 exercises) around 2 sets of arms (4) and legs (3). Yeah; it confuses me, too. Then I'm home to fry up the rice that I remembered to cook when we left for work this morning. Added garbanzos to it, and it was yummy. Yay. It was also my FCP's birthday; so I called and left her a message. Then there would be some snuggle, and I was getting ready to go do my own personal Wednesday night party thing. I pulled out my emergency money, and loaded up. Getting ready to leave, TPG calls and says to get the heck up there. Okay. Well that was fun. Came home and had monster nachos; crying and sweating. Yum. Crashed hard. Up
to play snooze button boogie for hours Thursday. Then it would be coffee, paper, and some of the tv from the past week. Cool. Great Scrubs. Talked to my FCP, and she's doing great. Soon enough I would go out and shop. Went and spent $60 at 2 stores. Home to unload and watch Angel with my girl. Then I was talking to my business guy in Utah; he wants me to have considerably more money than I have right now. Oh well. I have not, and will not, sign up for a debit-active anything. So if anybody starts trying to suck money from me, unauthorized, I feel sorry for them. I'll close my account. Okay. Poor girlfriend; her shower is messed up again, and she has to use my nasty stall. And now Static Girl is online, and hopefully happy. No; she stormed off to bed and won't talk to me. And I bet it's my fault again, too. I just wish I knew how to not piss her off. So I'm gonna cook up some more yummy broccoli water rice stuff for 2maro. And listen to Caviar. Soon we're up
for Friday at work. Asked for a good day on the ride in, and thanks for the good ones just past. On my first break, I called in and asked if they could please fix my girlfriend's shower. They did, and that was nice of them. Our team at work set a record for products sold, and I tied for the lead. Then we did a magnificent workout. And a trip to the bank where a cute teller promised me easy direct deposit (hmmm). Home to find a no-longer-upset girlfriend, and I cooked up the finest broccoli-water-rice ever. Wow. And soon it was slow snuggle time. Nice. Then we sat on the couch and watched some tv; very affectionately. I was delirious; had to go to bed before 11--kinda loopy. Up
way early Saturday to head for work 30 minutes early. It's one thing when your boss has doughnuts for you; OUR boss had WARM Krispy Kremes waiting for us--more than we could eat! And we're working as the sun rises; I used to like this! Wow, Arizona has some really nice sunrises. And we all did really well at work. I followed up tying for the lead yesterday with tying for 2nd today; not bad at all. I was hungry after work, but came straight home to hug on my excellent girlfriend. She liked that, and really liked my Subway idea. So we had a fantastic lunch. Yawns? Screw that; I'll take a nap. So I did. 2 hours. Now I'm thinking devious thoughts. Well, devious in the sense of going to the bar; standard deviation. Ha. I'm a funny drunk. Yes. So I load up and head for my bar. A-13 pinball is still broken, yes, but it's still beatable. I like the challenge. Then golf people started to show up; TPG, too. Do I ever party responsibly? SOP here. By the time I got home it was time to eat jalapenos--that's plural. Sure. Woke up at 3 am face down on the couch--that's always fun. To bed with the alarm set. Up
at 9 am Sunday. Turns out that 2 of my 3 football games are on regular tv. So I watched the Patriots and Falcons win here. TPG is out riding Pool Guy around; Pool Guy's little boy broke his leg yesterday. I started cooking here; we have potatos fried, and the potato water cooked more rice (look at me not wasting water). Also ate some chocolate. Then I cleaned up the kitchen. Static Girl feels blah, but I fried up some more broccoli for her--and she liked that. Now I'm back here at 3 pm with my Caviar; thinking about how to make better use of my time.


The rest of Sunday 10-3 was very quiet. We could have gone hiking, or driven to the new Sprouts store a few miles away, but did not. I laid low and quiet today, even though I didn't have to. Food everywhere; I also made some more of that obnoxiously good garlic/jalapeno veggie machoroni (I'd make an okay cook). FCP called; love talking to her. Talked to Mom, too. Can't find Dad, but after his lot purchase in devastated Florida he's not the happiest camper anyway; so we'll talk to him later. Static Girl says it's important to conserve fuel; and I didn't have to go shopping--so I stayed in. Okay. Boring, but effective. And we're in bed right after 12. Up
for work Monday. I dressed for business casual--just in case it wasn't a blue jeans day. It was a jeans day, but it never hurts to be prepared. I did better than I expected; my mistakes were minimal. Didn't get to the gym until 3 pm, but that's not my real problem. At 3:50 pm, when I had just finished another 2-circuit session, it was time for "Abs class". It's 10 minutes of tummy torture; and they sell you on it by saying 'come on, dude, it's only 10 minutes--how hard can it be?'. Right; so I'm in there trying to pretend like I didn't hurt already, and I'm a virgin. The other 3 people had an idea of what it would be like--now I understand why they were all giggling at me. Fuck. But I did what I could. Oh it hurt. Then I'm cruising by the grocery to get bread and lunch meat. Home to find a starving and headachey girlfriend on the couch, still without her car at this point. I suggested food, and offered to go with ther to the dealership. This made her a little happy. Went and got her car, yay, and came back here to cook what may have been my best meal yet--and that's saying something. Here's how my luck works; I have 2 tupperware tubs of 2 different kinds of ricey shit in the fridge; quick, what would you do? Would you dump both tubs into the frying pan, toss in a couple globs of margarine and say 'oh girlfriend this is going to be the best shit ever'? That's what I did, and it worked liked magic. Say hello to 'kitchen sink goulash'--this shit had everything in it. There will be more, too. Static Babe and I talked about getting her some tires 2maro (but I get to do most of the talking), and possibly going to check out the Sprouts place. The plan is to set a date to go hiking on Saturday; a date, so we'll have to do it. After work 2maro, for me, I'm supposed to go see E-Rock and get Caviar stuff. And I have to work on that review. Damn. We finally had snuggle here around 8 pm. Better late than never, and it was great. Now she's in bed, and I did some laundry. 10 pm, and I haven't watched any of my tv yet. Not enough hours in these days here, and I don't want to turn this Caviar off. Dilemma time...Minimal tv, and then it's bed time. Up
for work Tuesday. Had to make lunch; no problem. At the first break, I got a slice of excellent pizza in the cafeteria. Wow. Learned some stuff, and did okay at work. Then I came home and grabbed my Caviar CD to head over to see E-Rock. Got a poster, a band picture, and watched some Caviar on an Aezra sales video. Nice. Back home to eat leftovers with my baby, and then to go drop her car off for some tires. Then we headed to Sprouts; neat-o place. Got some stuff, and we're back home now--waiting for the tires-R-done phone call. If I go out, TPG can join me. What do I want to do? I hate this part. The tire place screwed everything up; they were trying to keep the car overnight. So now Static Girl is pissed, and so am I. Oh well. The only good news is that I did not go out. Sleep is difficult; there is weirdness brewing. You should probably stop reading now. Up
for work Wednesday. I should have started in a better mood, but it's not going to matter soon. You people missed alot, and you were told to stop reading. I went to the bottom of the mood swing today; hated life, hated living, hated it all. It strted with my getting a mean headache right when I got to work--and nobody has any pain killers, not even legal ones (those fucking losers). I'm not catching on to the work stuff yet either; I'm way behind in almost everything. A few of us are, actually, and I may not be the slowest, but I still hate it all. A little extra training did help some, but my head hurts and I'm still making mistakes. I got pissed. And they threw a surprise quiz on us, a hard one, and I know I screwed it up. I was mean and mad; didn't want to head for the gym, but I did. At the gym, there's no abs class today, and my left arm is hurting again during exercise--it's probably cancer. Here I am trying to do good, trying to be better, and I have familiar pain. It also hurts my left arm to play pinball, and don't even get me started on that shit-ass irony. Exertion was good; major effort will deflect depression (Do you think he even notices his brain is scattering right now?). No, no, fuck the scatterbrain right now; we're talking about Suicide Wednesday. Yesterday. By the time I left the gym, I was ready to drive off a cliff. It had all swelled up--I don't know why. My head was imploding--after the all-day headache. I didn't want to kill the pain; I wanted to create some death--and my own death seemed the most convenient. This is some dangerous psycho shit here; I shouldn't be recalling it or writing about it. But that's what I do; talk about the shit that others avoid. I wanted to drive Gus into head-on traffic (wait, what about the cliff?); I'm fucking tired of being here. 40 years of this shit; I've had enough already. I mean, I've given everybody enough time to kiss my ass. Right? Sure. Okay. So I didn't swerve into oncoming traffic. Wanna know why? 'Coz I didn't have enough time to come home and leave Cheri a note. And, I'm pretty sure my FCP would want a final chat before I start either of my impending killing sprees. But I almost went for it. However, I did figure that sex and drugs might help. So I came home to see my girlfriend. Good choice. She is a great listener, too, and I told her that I didn't like being her (grumpy, headache, depressed all day, etc.) for a whole day. Told her that I don't know how she puts up with it all the time, and I'm serious; I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE DOES IT. Telling her all of this made her feel a tiny bit better, too; she even smirk-smiled at me. One of her powers is to make me ask myself good questions. I needed some good releasing. So there was snuggle, and then it would become a Wednesday night at the bar. Good choice. Saw E-Rock, and thanked him again for Caviar's new album. Then pinball didn't hurt my arm too much more. Then TPG and Pool Guy showed up. We split golf. there were a couple of beers, too. I needed this. It felt good. Came home and ate some leftovers. Crashed, and woke up
Thursday morning to my bathroom light being on. Allright! Maybe I puked, or did #2 on the floor again. Yay me. I'm not depressed; I'm good and happily hungover. Nothing in the bathroom; bummer, but at least I'm sleep-walking drunk again. I've missed this. Oh, and I'm moving slow today. Left a few minutes late, but got to work in good time. I'm going to do what I can at work, and try really hard...But you know what? If it ain't good enough, I'll moon the fuckers and walk out today--laughing heartily. I don't need any extra grief or feelings of incompetence; I can do that shit all by myself. Maybe I should be waiting tables in a loud, happy bar anyway. So; this is me. This is what you get. And I'm hungover; I could puke (or shit) at any moment. This is fun, and there's no headache. Maybe my body needs a little poison in it for good measure (brain; scattering). And today went much better. That quiz yesterday? I only missed 3 out of 30; in some cultures that's an A-. Wow. And there was more training today, and I learned some good stuff. Today was the company cookout and jeep giveaway, with food at 1 pm. Maybe I was just having 1 of my 2 bad days a year yesterday; yeah, it would have been a shame to commit suicide for such circumstantial shit (still scatterbraining). Hey; fuck scatterbraining. Let me tell you something about "writing" smartass; you have to want to do it. And right now I don't fucking want to. If there's some brilliant or silly shit inside me that begs to come out, then it'll come out whether I want it to or not. I used to wake up writing; sometimes I'd have to pull my car over to write out something. I wrote a poem once while sitting on a green forklift at one of TPG's old jobs. "Writing" just ain't that big of a deal anymore; sorry. I'm jaded, pessimistic, and my arm hurts. Writing. I should write to my FCP; THAT'S what I should do. I'm just running out of time here. Sorry. Okay; maybe a little--while I finish off some more Caviar. I have issues. Where the hell was I? No dinner--I pigged out at the cookout. After a semi-distorted evening of mental buzzflipping...Sleep. Up
for work Friday. I would do what I could to get better, but it's still a learning experience. More training, more notes, they give us good attention. I ended up with 2 transfers, yay, but I'm still short. I'm eating too much; the early break at work kills me. But I like going to the gym Friday afternoon; it's empty, and the mood is light. Time becomes an issue, so 2 circuits take long enough. Then I'm home to eat with girlfriend, and then snuggle. Fun at the bar with TPG, no Pool Guy. Good golf. Came home and passed out. Woke up
on the floor at 3 am Saturday, soaked in...never mind. Woke up again at 9 to take girlfriend to get her car aligned, then came back home for more sleep. Got her car, watched UGA lose, and then it's a TPG idea to go watch the LSU/Fla game at the bar. Oh, okay. I had a Sam's hot pastrami samwich; yum. Then we got serious about beer. Oh man. I could make jokes about partying for 7 hours, but no. Home to pass out. Up
at 10 am here Sunday to watch football. But I can't feel the love to go over to ACE's and watch the ticket. They called and complained, but I had stuff to do. Lots of paper, 2 parental calls, a Dave O. call, and cooking. I can hardly talk, and the cough is back. Erugh. Sunday night now, and I'm still unmotivated. Late Sunday night: The depression drench from the past week is resonating. I don't know where this is going, but it appears to be extremely powerful.

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