Newspaper News

(starting December 22nd)

Sunday, April 13th, 2003

#1 Sacramento, CA: GM is pulling their fleet of electric cars off the market. Some people will say it's because California is retreating from its strict auto pollution regulation. GM is saying that they can no longer supply parts to repair the electric cars (Isn't it funny how all OTHER car parts are just fine and dandy?).

Overnight Guy's Comment: I start with THIS story, JUST IN CASE your dumb ass had any hope left for the human race. Now you should understand that we all need to die. If not, let's move on to #2.

#2 China lied about SARS, China covered up that SARS was going to be an epidemic, and it is an epidemic--as Hong Kong hospitals are overflowing. And EVERYDAY, TODAY INCLUDED (Wednesday, April 9th, 2003) more planes leave and land in China. This simple fact, that China is not quarantined, shows what kind of idiots run this planet.

Overnight Guy's Comment: The (other) simple fact; that people still buy airline tickets to land IN China--shows what kind of idiots make up the general population of this planet. Thank you. Now please kill us soon.

#2 and a half: Syracuse, NY: (My new hero) Retired handyman John T. Jamelske, 67, is accused of keeping a 16 yr. old girl chained up as a sexual captive in a concrete bunker built under his yard--and he may have had more victims.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Imagine if there WERE more victims, and each new one had to eat the remains of the one before her. Okay, I'm just dreaming now, but it's a cool idea.

#3 (from the fair and impartial desert) Mesa (southeast Phoenix), AZ: Driving with his 10 yr. old son and 3 open bottles of vodka in the vehicle, a guy blew a .20 blood/alcohol level after running over and killing a high school student. He swore to police that he had NOT been drinking. This man, Keith Alan Moore, may have been arrested, but he did not draw a bond, and he was not even booked at the jail; he was allowed to go home with relatives.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Obviously, he's a lawyer. Mesa police said that there was "absolutely no special treatment" given to him. God damn I love this country.

Sunday, April 6th, 2003

#1 One of the 2 corporate radio monopolies, Clear Channel, is trying to build support with the Bush campaign by muzzling artists who speak out against the war, and/or the administration. Also, this is a critical time for both Clear Channel and Infinity, because new regulations about how many radio stations a company can own may be put into place (so obviously they want to be kissing W.'s ass).

Overnight Guy's Comment: Wow. And this is exactly how I would do it, too. As a DJ, I wouldn't PLAY any artist who spoke out against the war; I'd even spend a few minutes every night making fun of war protesters. Shit. Can you believe that I'm actually on the side of corporate radio?

#2 California (no city, no county, no area; the whole damn state), in 2002, had over 2 million people doing injections of Botox. That is a 47% increase over 2001.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Aren't celebrities cute? I just want to pee on their little heads.

#2 and a half: Last week I mentioned that a 26 yr. old teacher here fathered a 16 yr. old girl's baby. Here's more; he was a choir teacher. He would call the girl's house and pretend to be a fellow choir member. At school, he would make her stay after so that she could "practice" (insert crude sexual reference here) leading the choir.

Overnight Guy's Comment: "Leading the choir"? Is that what the kids are calling it? Every sentence in this story begs for innuendo. I really should have been a high school teacher.

#3 (Continuing the local school theme; from the snobbish realm of Scottsdale, AZ): The Scottsdale Unified (school) District is staring at an anticipated $7.9 million budget deficit next year. So they notified 163 teachers on Tuesday that they might not have jobs after this summer.

Overnight Guy's Comment: A closer exam (get it?) shows that many of the upper level administration people have 6 or 7 digit salaries. Instead of a 5% pay cut to those old fogie fucks at the top, they're going to cut some qualified instructors. God damn I love this country.

Sunday,March 30th, 2003

#1 Chattanooga, TN: A federal jury acquitted Tyson Foods of conspiring to hire illegal immigrants from Mexico and Central America. Jurors deliberated for less than one day before dropping all the charges against Tyson.

Overnight Guy's Comment: All the charges? Okay; never mind the four-year investigation that proved EVERYTHING was true. Sometimes I just don't understand how karma works.

#2 Remember the airlines; the BIG airlines losing billions and billions of dollars since 9/11/01? Well, they're crying again because now the war is making them lose customers, too; awww. It's something like 10,000 jobs and $4 billion being lost just because of the war; snif. Airlines like to complain about how every little pissant thing hurts their business; you never hear about how the airlines are 'doing great'.

Overnight Guy's Comment: And then there's Tempe-based America West airlines that has had a 9% INCREASE in traffic over this time last year (their jobs are stable, and their stock is going up). I'm pretty well convinced that America West and Southwest are the only 2 airlines run with any amount of common sense.

#2 and a half: Mexico City: Mexican army troops found a warehouse containing 13.7 tons of marijuana. Worth around $30 Million, it took 5 army trucks to transport the bales and sacks of weed back to a local military base.

Overnight Guy's Comment: I sure would like to know which "local military base" they went back to.

One last lullaby to help you sleep; Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS) is the new, unstoppable airborne epidemic sweeping the world (smart people don't leave this country on airplanes). Oh by the way; consumer confidence is at an all-time low.

#3 (from the secure border of the southwest) Schooltime again. We have a 26 yr. old teacher fathering his 16 yr. old student's baby (I knew I should have become a teacher). But the big news is that our Arizona schools are failing nutritionally. There is a picture of 4th graders showing the choices they have--a salad bar, a snack bar, and the regular hot lunch line. Everybody seems so amazed that the kids don't CHOOSE to eat well.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Choose? Okay, I think I may have found the problem here. Kids don't need choices, you fucking idiots. Kids need to have slop slapped on their trays, from ONE hot lunch line, period. Again, in the words of ME; kids should either get up early and make their own lunch, or be forced to eat that gruel in the cafeteria. And that's ONE line of gruel, complete with mystery meat, an under-cooked vegetable, and fruit cocktail that appears to move all by itself. Choices for fourth graders? Fuck you.

Sunday,March 23rd, 2003
War at last! War at last!
No more dicking around
Blood, smoke, and the smell of death!

#1 (Right before the war) North Korea does not like that our U.S. military is performing its annual "Foal Eagle" exercises (war games in Korea) that end on April 2nd. We do this every year, but North Korea is looking for any reason to bitch at us. Despite all of North Korea's accusations and threats against us, we will still be sending them 40,000 tons of food.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Do we send food to all the countries that threaten us?

#2 Tyson Foods, the "corporate coyotes" who smuggle immigrants into our country to work for $7 an hour, had almost all of the charges against them dismissed by a judge. Executives are saying that the company 'had no alternatives', and that they were forced to bring in illegal labor. Only a few charges remain against the Tyson corporation, so it will be up to individual consumers to avoid Tyson products.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Did you expect a corporate court to punish a corporation? I did, and that was just silly on my part.

#2 and a half: The price of crude oil is going down, and still gas prices are going up. In fact, Arizona has the 3rd highest price for gas of all the states. California and Nevada are #1 and #2, and we sneak in right behind them.

Overnight Guy's Comment: If it looks like price-gouging, smells like it, acts like it, and if crude oil prices are going down, then I guess it's...well...uh...price-gouging. We people who actually like the planet (non-politicians) are still waiting for fuel alternatives; we've been waiting since 1975.

Lost in the war shuffle; from Edwardsville, Ill: A judge ordered Phillip Moriis USA to pay $10.1 billion for misleading smokers into believing its "light" cigarettes are less harmful than regular labels. (Introduced in the 70's, these cigarettes were marketed as healthier.).

#3 (from the chilly, water-less beach) By the way, I've been waiting for a story like this--and this is local!
Tempe, AZ: An unidentified high school girl, 17, had an affair with her teacher (24 yr. old Grace Anne Gamez). It took the "rumor mill" of the school for this lesbian relationship to surface. This incident at Marcos de Niza High School is not the only firing of a fondling teacher this week, but it is the only same-sex incident (so far).

Overnight Guy's Comment: If I were the parents of the 17 yr. old girl, I'd be really pissed; I'd want to know 'Why couldn't you mess around with the 60 yr. old choir teacher GUY--like those other girls?'.

That's a good local story, but how about one with some child-murder?
Apache Junction, AZ: In 1998 Barbara Downey shot 2 bullets into the head of her daughter (killing her) in the desert near Apache Junction. She did this to save her daughter from eternal damnation for being born out of wedlock. Get this; ol' Barbara is leaving the mental ward. She will be FREE in less than 5 years; this is your judicial system at work.

Sunday,March 16th, 2003

News revelation; I've been looking for a polite way to say this, and then I remembered that I don't have to be polite. Fuck you. See? Okay; so do you want to know why women and minorities are always complaining about shit in America? It's because America is the only country where women and minorities CAN complain. The U.S. is the only place where people like Al Sharpton, and that "Martha" woman (who wants female members at Augusta National) can exist. See; (everywhere else in the world) mouthy women just get raped and beaten into submission, and verbal minorities are silenced quickly. Hey, this is almost like a real news article. I'll stop now.

At this time, the country is celebrating that Elizabeth Smart was found alive. It will be interesting to watch how this (self-admitted) "runaway story" gets spun.

#2 All over the country, school violence has crept way down into grade schools. Locally, a 6-yr. old boy in Surprise took a knife to school; a 10-yr. old Glendale boy took a loaded .22 handgun to school; and 2 girls took a loaded "air rifle" to school (A rifle; yes, a 3-foot long gun. How do you hide a rifle?). Oh yeah, and many of these "incidents" do NOT get reported, because school officials would rather not deal with angry parents questioning their school's safety.

Overnight Guy's Comment: If I had ever taken a knife or gun to school to try to "rationalize" with the gang that used to pick on me, then I'd be dead and so would my mom. Sometimes you have to lose a few battles to get through the day alive. "Parents who possess guns have children who take guns to school." Hey look, you just learned something.

#2 and a half: We've got this "local school" theme going here, and it's going to continue: 6 kids from Gilbert high school are in JAIL (hell yes) for plotting a massive murder/suicide at their school. 15 yr. old Krystal Marie Miller is the alleged ringleader of this oh-so-misguided group. One girl in the mix said that she had access to over 40 of her father's weapons.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Aren't kids fun? Is it wrong for me to say that I want to butt-fuck Krystal Marie Miller? Well, whatever her parents are doing to keep her in line doesn't seem to be working. I think some aggravated, bloody anal sex might set her mind right; I should be a school counselor.

#3 (they're all from the wet desert this week) Arizona has spent/lost/wasted/whatever $186,000 because of spam (unsolicited e-mails). And the problem is getting worse.

Overnight Guy's Comment: You know, it takes alot of money to push the "delete" button on a computer.

Sunday,March 9th, 2003

#1A (from Headline News) National: Kids are getting hurt in car-seats that have been installed improperly. The installation instructions for these car-seats are written on a 10th grade English level. Many parents claim that they 'just didn't understand' the directions; they were just 'too difficult'.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! I could not have dreamed up a better story than this, and this is fucking real! Can you feel me channeling Bill Hicks right now?...If you can't master, or at least improvise, 'car-seat installation', then maybe you weren't quite ready to breed. I could go on and on, but how did daddy dumbass read all those books on parenting?

#1B (hey look, it really was a news story in the Republic) Chicago, IL: Instructions for installing child safety seats in cars are written at a 10th-grade reading level. According to a new study, nearly a quarter of U.S. adults read at or below a fifth-grade level, and at least 25% read at about an eighth-grade level. This gets better; about 80% of car safety seats are improperly installed or misused. This is all in a study published in "Pediatrics".

Overnight Guy's Comment: So; 50 % of the U.S. people having children read at an eighth-grade level or lower. I love this shit. Aren't humans cool? (I'm still channeling.)

#2 (Again from Headline News) Have you heard about these "human shield" moron fucks out there? My understanding is that these people from all over the world band together in Iraqi cities like Baghdad, and they're ready to stand in front of tanks and be run over--it's some kind of a protest thing. The key here is that they PLAN TO BE RUN OVER BY TANKS; doesn't that seem a bit unsafe? Sure; well, on Wednesday, most all the "human shields" left Iraq because...wait for's too dangerous over there.

Overnight Guy's Comment: So; laying down in front of a tank is cool. But hanging out in downtown Baghdad is just too fucking scary, huh?

#2 and a half: I don't have a 2 and a half yet. Wait, well, it's local--but the REAL local story is such a monster that we'll do this first one from the neighborhood: River City Pockets is the pool hall in my neighborhood where (after a fight started inside) a couple of guys beat to death some guy on the sidewalk last year. River City Pockets, where everybody wants me to go hang out and be cool, had a shooting incident there Monday night.

Overnight Guy's Comment: White Supremists, gang beatings, and gunfire; it does sound like fun--I'll grant you that. But there's no pinball.

#3 (just a little up Highway 17 from the desert; the beautiful, well-to-do town of Anthem, AZ): Before it was over, the Fire Department had to rush to Gavilan Peak Elementary School, where nine 7th-graders were sick from ingesting crystal methamphetamine on campus.

Overnight Guy's Comment: ...still giggling...See; they moved away from Phoenix to lose the drug element...snicker...One more fact, just to make sure we're "crystal" clear; 9 students got sick--that's ALL we know. We may never know how many kids were actually doing the meth (it takes a druggie to figure out the important issues). "Anthem Meth Lab" would probably NOT be a really good band name right now; and "7th Grade Nose Candy" would probably land you in court. I'm just trying to help.

Sunday, March 2nd, 2003

#1 Broadband, anyone? Back in 2001 I wrote a commentary about the SCG and their fears about the internet. Here are some real facts to back me up: Broadband internet service is used in only 20% of our nation's households. But in South Korea, almost 70% of homes have broadband service--and it's 10 times faster than what we have here--and it's cheaper!

Overnight Guy's Comment: Save your questions for somebody who gives a shit. I'm right, and I always have been. G'night.

#2 Get this; even though it's local. Jerry Colangelo, the big sports wig here in Arizona, is vocally anti-abortion--even with the facts! I thought that TPG's wife was the only person who valued the not-yet-born baby as MORE important than the mother trying to give birth--I was wrong.

Overnight Guy's Comment: So; with a complicated pregnancy where either mother or baby must die, Jerry (and my sister-in-law) would kill the woman to save the baby. You know, these pro-lifers can explain this shit to me all day long--and it does no good. Rather than keep the mother alive to possibly try for another pregnancy, they would choose to bring a baby into this world with no mother. And this makes sense to them! I have to go now.

#2 and a half: Philadelphia: A man, Joseph Best, whose daughter was hit with a snowball by a group of girls returned to the scene and opened fire with a gun, critically head-wounding a 10-yr. old girl.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Where I come from we'd just say 'he shot her in the head'. What will the shot-in-the-head girl's father do to retaliate agaist Mr. Best? I guess Mr. Best is not a pro-lifer.

#3 (from last week's local news section...) Israel Haynes convinced a different police detective that he had just wandered in to use the bathroom. This detective escorted (arrested armed robber) Haynes downstairs and out the door, setting him free on Wednesday. Haynes is still at large.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Stupid, stupid, el Stupido! Israel Haynes went back to his own neighborhood, the one where the cops were looking for him! They found him 2 days later. No facelift, no wig, no attempt to deflect attention; this idiot isn't smart enough to be crudely adorned. But I fucking tried, okay?

More Southwest nuggets of nougat: (Can you say "diesel"?) Over 10 years ago, Louie Wichinsky drove his diesel-powered truck from upstate New York to Las Vegas on used Burger King french fry oil. This is a nationally recorded, real and true story. Why are we still using diesel fuel?

Parents of 3-yr. olds in Scottsdale (people roughly mine and Cindy Crawford's age), are now "camping out" at pre-schools, 24-36 hours BEFORE actual registration; trying to make sure that their children get into a good pre-school. It reminds me of camping out for Van Halen tickets in 1984; you know, it's all about priorities. I say let's go to Scottsdale and BLAST some Van Halen where these morons are camping out--and make those 3-yr.olds cry all fucking night long. Priorities; yeah, I got 'em. And frisbees, too.

Sunday, February 23rd, 2003

#1A: Baseball pitcher Greg Maddux signed a 1-year deal for $14.75 million dollars; it's the highest dollar figure ever for a single year in any sport.

Overnight Guy's Comment: If you make $10 an hour (I make less), then you earn $20,000 a year; gross. I guess ol' Greggie is doin' okay.

#1B: Nike is being accused of price-fixing; Nike wants their shoes to be sold for at least $120; no less. Never mind about production or wholesale costs.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Yes; this is called price-fixing. It's been going on since the dawn of sales. Either buy the shoes, or don't; I seriously doubt that Nike's stock will suffer.

#2 Ford Motor Co. will pay a $244,000 fine to settle an EPA complaint about hazardous-waste violations.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Yeah; but it's only at 14 different plants in 9 states. How much harm can a little hazardous-waste do? So Ford will be paying less than $20,000 for each plant, and THAT will surely teach them a lesson they won't soon forget. Either buy the cars, or don't; I seriously doubt that Ford's stock will suffer.

#2 and a half: Crawford, TX: President Bush signed a $397.4 billion government spending bill for the budget year that began Oct. 1st. Taxpayer monies will be put into things like poor school districts, and the National Cowgirl Museum.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Where are the drunk bimbo Bush daughters, and the druggie Bush neice? Cowgirls gone wild, baby.

#3 (from the sandy land of tight security) Downtown Phoenix; While left alone up on the second floor of the police station, arrested armed robbery suspect Israel Haynes convinced a different police detective that he had just wandered in to use the bathroom. This detective escorted Haynes downstairs and out the door, setting him free on Wednesday. Haynes is still at large.

Overnight Guy's Comment: OOPS! What if Haynes, rich after that armed robbery, gets a facelift? Hell, he's bald; what if he just wears a wig? OOPS!

Sunday, February 16th, 2003

#1 The 2 companies that provide satellite radio for cars and homes (Sirius and XM) have won the war. Both companies have secured funding for years to come, and have arrangements with dealers for placement (as optional equipment) in OVER 100 different car-makes. Both companies are also working on deals with rental car agencies. Monthly subscription costs will remain UNDER $13 a month for this premium service--with no "per song" charges that were once expected.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Did your jaw drop--as I have obviously switched teams, and am now promoting satellite radio? Well I am. Even the people in (corporate) radio have either forgotten or never knew why they do what they do. And, on a locaI level, I recently found out that there is exactly one radio station in Phoenix that is not corporate owned--Edge 103.9. This means that coming to Phoenix to get back on the radio was a pretty dumbass move on my part. The general person is better off avoiding the radio completely, rather than trying to live or die by one station. Not being the general person, however, I am going to now live or die by 103.9. On a whim, I may check for a Classic Rock Wet Spot, of course, but until further notice I'm just going to stay on the edge. Do I plan to work there? Maybe, but no time soon. Perhaps I will enlighten them to my new strategy, and let them know I'm available.

#2 Orlando, FL: What the hell are we doing in Orlando? This is the AAA; NO, not the alcoholics, the Automobile American...something. They're the largest U.S. motorist association (that's it!), and they say that the recent jump in gasoline prices is completely unjustified (as I have said all along). There is no shortage of gas, and there is no shortage of crude oil (yawn); what we have here is good old fashioned "price gouging". Average price per gallon last year at this time was $1.12; and now it is $1.60 (up 43%).

Overnight Guy's Comment: Gas should have cost 1.60 last year when we were all patriotic and singing God Bless America and shit; see, we would have paid it AND kept singing. There's no shortage of ANYTHING; there never was, and there never will be. Go back to sleep and dream about hydrogen fuel cell and electric cars.

#2 and a half: (Have you noticed that there are no more 300 lb. Sally Struthers commercials pleading for 17 cents a day so that little malnourished "Ahkmar" can eat enough food to stay alive? See? I notice things.) Allright; listen up you child-loving morons:
Saudi Arabia; they're supposed to be our allies, but that's where the 9-11 terrorists came from. It's a complete cluster-fuck of irony; you DO understand this, right? (Released this month) A comprehensive study of Saudi schoolbooks, grades 1-10, reveals that contempt of the West, Christians and Jews is taught daily to millions of Saudi children. These children are being PROGRAMMED to hate us, and everything about us. They are taught to feel honor in their dying while inflicting harm upon Americans.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Comment? They are cultivating an entire generation of martyrs and terrorists, and you want me to comment? No. I am going to leave this absolutely perfect, alley-oop, set-up to spike, slam-dunk, HANGING IN THE AIR, for you. I want you to look at it, study it, and explain to me some crap about how those children can be re-taught as Christians. Sure. And then the ball is going to drop, right at your feet; except now it's not a ball--it's a bomb. And as it blows you up, you will finally realize that you MISSED THE POINT.
(Now that's a pun you can take to work with you.)

#3A (from the very "attentive", there's no way ANY woman could be THAT dumb state of Arizona) Litchfield Park, AZ: A 34 yr. old woman, whose name has not been released, had been bleeding and cramping for about a week. After one of her especially difficult trips to the toilet, her mother called 911. Halfway through the 911 call, another relative found a baby boy in the toilet. This incredible story is made even more amazing by the calmness of 911 dispatcher Kathy Deaver, who explained to the grandmother and sister to wrap the child tightly in a blanket, and tie off the umbilical cord. "Delivery's hard enough for a baby," Deaver said. "Being born in a toilet has got to be pretty traumatic." The baby was airlifted to St. Joseph's Hospital, and is healthy.

Overnight Guy's Comment: No fucking way. You don't believe this; hell, I don't believe this. So you're just going to have to go see it for yourself; Arizona Republic, Wednesday February 12th, 2003, Local section, West Valley, last story, page B5. Holy shit. No fucking way. I mean, if, you know, she; no, no fucking way. Are we clear on this? No-Fucking-Way.

#3B (from the cruel Phoenix Web cam of death) 21 yr. old computer geek Brandon "Ripper" Vedas went into an internet "drug" chat room last month. Background; Ripper lived to be on the internet, and loved his chat rooms. He was a part of a group of people, many did drugs, none of which used their real names. Ripper had already decided to commit suicide, and CHOSE to do it online while talking to his "friends", as his PC camera displayed all.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Welcome to the 21st Century. This corporate crap newspaper I read blames everybody BUT Brandon. The Republic blames the CAMERA, I'm not making this up (I'll scan the Goddamn page and make a file of it if you want me to), and goes on to blame the other people in the chat room. I could cite hundreds of examples where the Republic is confused about blame, but let's stay here. In a suicide, people, many humans may feel guilt, but the blame is laid to rest with the body. And the world just got rid of one more idiot. Next!

Sunday, February 9th, 2003

#1 Chattanooga, TN: Tyson Foods (remember that name) began legally defending their actions in court on Wednesday. Tyson Foods is accused of being involved in a conspiracy to smuggle illegal immigrant (cheap) labor to poultry plants in at least 6 states. Because of the low wages Tyson Foods pays, the only way to keep the plants open was to utilize illegal labor. Illegal labor never complains about hours, conditions or salary either. Tyson Foods; this is both a corporate greed story, and an illegal immigrant story.

Overnight Guy's Comment: The illegal immigrant criminal sympathizers are always saying that the people to blame are the companies (here) that utilize the illegal labor (as in--that's why the illegals come here). I agree with part of that theory, and NOW we have a name to put the blame to: Tyson Foods. This is the most grotesque and blatantly disgusting example of corporate economics to date. Burn in Hell you backstabbing fuckers. I could dedicate my entire life to ruining every aspect of the Tyson empire now. Hate is a very powerful emotion, and I'm feeling some hate for Tyson Foods right now.

#2 As the governor of Texas, George W, Bush said "If the federal government cannot do its job of enforcing the borders, then it owes the states monies to pay for its failure." As president, this same 2-faced poser pussy NOW says that the individual states must pay for their own upkeep on those illegal immigrant criminals they catch.

Overnight Guy's Comment: The Commander in Chief is a "2-faced poser pussy"? I guess I already made my comment.

#2 and a half: Blood specks; the white specks in the Georgia and Tennessee (also in Florida?) Red Cross blood--the same ones we mentioned LAST week, are still an UNKNOWN ELEMENT as of Wednesday of this week. Yeah, it's great; check out this quote by Mary Malarkey--the Director of the FDA's division of case management: "We have not made a determination what the cause is and have not ruled anything out."

Overnight Guy's Comment: You couldn't MAKE UP a better story than this blood dilemma; considering the overall blood and plasma shortage, terrorist threats, and the impending war. "Blood Specks" would be a pretty cool band name, too.

More fun from the daily printed pages: On any given day in Philadelphia, 12,000 school kids skip school without an excuse (That's 6.4% of their school kids.). Love 'em or not, Americans bought 4 million overgrown station wagons (aka "SUV"'s) last year. The deadly and exotic Newcastle disease that has already wiped out 1.7 million chickens in California was confirmed to be in an Arizona flock on Tuesday of this week. Also; job cuts by U.S. corporations are up 42% since December. And with special thanks to stupid people breeding all over the world, a baby is born every 19 seconds.

#3 (from the Southwest pro-life paradise) Phoenix, AZ; a pregnant 14 yr. old girl had her baby Monday morning, then wrapped the baby girl in a pillowcase and set the baby in a trash bin near her house. By luck, a neighbor (Ana Acuna), while taking her own trash out heard the baby crying, found her, and got the baby to a nearby hospital (the baby is doing fine). Apparently both of the 14 yr. old girl's parents were home when she gave birth, but both parents say that they didn't even know their own daughter was pregnant. Currently; the girl may or may not be tried for murder, and she may or may not be tried as an adult.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Arizona's pro-lifers achieved the "baby drop off" law last year, making it okay for unwanted babies to be dropped off at certain places within 72 hours of birth (a good idea)--and no criminal charges would be filed. And silly girls are STILL shitting out kids and dumping them in dumpsters in every state of this country. Trust me; you don't want me to comment on this.

Sunday, February 2nd, 2003

#1 (Get comfortable; this may take awhile.) Last week 2 reporters from the Toronto Star illegaly crossed a dozen easy entry points between the land boundaries that seperate Quebec from Vermont and New York state. (that's to the north, and now to the south) At the Arizona Organ Pipe National Monument, estimates of illegal border crossings by non-U.S. citizens are about 1000 a day. Having caught people there from China, Pakistan, and Yemen, the situation is a "smuggler's paradise and a national security nightmare". Over 300,000 illegal immigrant fugitives remain on the loose--despite deportation orders. There still is no way to track "visitors" to our country, and "catch and release" is still the standard operating procedure of border patrol. The official, updated count of illegal immigrants here in America is at 7 million. Time for a 'toot'; back in a 1986 speech to my college History classs, I sold 30 people on the idea that we need to shoot illegal immigrants--to deter illegal crossings; why? We still actively allow people to come to our country legally--so we need to punish the ones who try to cheat. And; Ronald Reagan warned nearly 2 decades ago that "The simple truth is that we've lost control of our own borders, and no nation can do that and survive.".

Overnight Guy's Comment: Reagan said that? Wow, so I guess that now there is exactly ONE thing I agree with him on.

#2 Here's a bedtime story for the kiddies: Portland, OR; A county jail began freeing inmates Wednesday, as state agencies across Oregon implemented emergency spending cuts; this was done FIRST. Later; medical benefits for 12,000 eldery will be cut, mental health services for 7200 will be dropped, 129 state troopers will be laid off, and Oregon will also lose $95 million originally planned for school districts.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Well, as long as they only let murderers and rapists go free; they need to keep those recreational pot-smokers locked up forever.

#2 and a half: Finally in court--Houston, TX; Do you remember hearing about the woman (Clara Harris), convinced that her husband (David Harris) was cheating, hired an agency to follow + videotape him--but then the woman ran over her husband--killing him--as the cameras were rolling? Well, I never got the video in an e-mail, but the video was on the news; she drove around a small cul-de-sac 3 times--running over the man 3 different times--while her passenger, 17 yr. old stepdaughter (Lindsey) was screaming, crying, and begging for her stepmother to stop. This was back on July 24th. Clara Harris still claims that the death was an "accident".

Overnight Guy's Comment: Yeah, if she had meant to kill him, she would have run him over 4 times.

More National newsworthiness: Supposedly, possibly, maybe, in March, 4 different government divisions are going to come together and SEAL THE U.S. BORDER; as in, no more illegal aliens (I will believe this bunch of bullshit when I see it, and am offered a job.) More; over $2.7 million worth of computers and property is missing from Los Alamos National Laoratory--originally reported in November, the 2 investigators who blew the whistle were immediately fired (they have since been rehired now that the story is out). It still costs taxpayers around $25K a year to keep an inmate in prison, but now it costs over $60K a year to keep a looney "prisoner" in a looney bin. Red Cross blood in Georgia and Florida has mysterious white stuff in it. Baby Bush wants to give $15 billion of our tax dollars to Africa to fight AIDS (because giving those idiots condoms makes way too much sense). 2 corporations (Clear Channel and Infinity) now own 45% of all the radio stations in America (Are you still listening?).

#3 (from out here, open up and say AAAH!) You know about all the pressure and stress of being an overpaid dentist, right? Well, Dr. Bradley William Kennedy (a Chandler dentist) was released on bail one day after he walked into the Arizona State University law library armed with 4 loaded guns, a stash of ammunition, and almost $1400 cash. A search of his van discovered more ammunition, handcuffs, and a list of judges names and addresses--some of which were highlighted. Follow-up; this Kennedy guy is still involved in a very bitter custody battle with his ex-, over his 13 yr. old son; one of the highlighted judge's names on the list was the last judge who denied Kennedy custody of his son.

Overnight Guy's Comment: I definitely would have let this guy go free, too, how much harm can he do? Hello? This guy is going to kill some judges; shouldn't we at least keep him in a looney bin for "observation"? Law people are so stupid. (Yo Brad, go up to Oregon and get set free again!)

More local treasures; A Mesa schoolteacher, David Edgar Welsh, 47, pleaded guilty this week to child molestation charges involving a 9 yr. old girl in 2000 and 2001--but that's not the real story--in 1980 and 1981 Mr. Welsh was allowed to resign from a different Arizona school, under accusations that he was molesting 3 girls back then (Since you're really stupid, let me spell it out for you; this guy has been fondling 4th grade girls for 20 years.). Isn't Arizona fun? Arizona is #1 in property crime AND auto theft rates, and we made the top 10 in murder, robbery, burglary and theft. ("We should be #1 in something other than car thefts."--Janet Napolitano) The already obnoxious Arizona drug store war between Walgreens, Osco, and CVS is about to welcome 30 new "Eckerds" drug stores to the state. According to a new study about teachers in Arizona, there is no teacher shortage (duh). In fact, there are 1.2 teachers for every job opening; so what we have is a teacher abundance; it's just that not all qualified teachers want to teach (I tried to tell you that we had plenty of teachers; they're just not dumb enough to want to teach anymore; plus, you can make more money in food service). At ASU (it's party time, as) 31 grams of pharmaceutical-grade cocaine was stolen from a psychology lab (The drug was originally obtained from the DEA for psychology experiments--I'd say that the experiment was a success! Maybe they can get some Ecstasy from the DEA next week; and please LET ME KNOW when you'll be doing the hashish experments.).

Superbowl Sunday, January 26th, 2003
Oakland Raiders / Tampa Bay Buccaneers

#1 With Microsoft's new stock split, Bill Gates gets a little dividend check for $99 million. Under the president's new tax system, Bill will be paying absolutely zero tax on his new windfall.

Overnight Guy's Comment: And here I was believing that bullshit the government tells us about how rich people pay out a 40% tax rate. It's almost as if they are lying to us.

#2 A couple of weeks ago, Eminem's movie "8 Mile" was the biggest movie of the weekend. Regardless of any personal opinion about Marshall Mathers, he is popular, and one would expect his movie to be popular, too. I have even read a couple of positive reviews about the movie; who knows, maybe someday I will even watch 8 Mile. This past weekend, however, the #1 movie in America was Kangaroo Jack. It's a joke movie.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Talk about the dumbing down of America. I am with Jon Stewart in saying that I am very disappointed in America.

#2 and a half: Washington; After a year of record recalls of meat suspected of contamination, the Bush administration is trying to shut down an Omaha slaughterhouse (Nebraska Beef) for repeated violations of food safety rules.

Overnight Guy's Comment: I am probably oversimplifying (because I sometimes do that), but one would think that "repeated violations" is a clue that more attention needs to be paid to proper procedure. How many "repeated violations" have to happen before somebody does something?

Follow-up on the Nebraska Beef story: By Saturday, a back-room deal was struck to allow this slaughterhouse to remain open--regardless of violations.
Nebraska Beef: We Make Dinner Exciting

More National nonsense: A judge has thrown out the first class-action lawsuit against McDonalds; stating that "Nobody is forced to eat at McD's." (more lawsuits will follow). The new K-Mart CEO gets $1 million in salary, a bonus, and another $1million when K-Mart gets out of bankruptcy (Does anybody else have a problem with this?).

#3 (from the sweaty furnace of drought and deficit) According to a new poll, 46% of Arizona's residents have been hindered by our irritating air pollution.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Wow. I haven't been coughing up nearly as much blood over the last 3 years. I actually thought that the air was better out here. Maybe my body is conditioned to need nasty air. Yeah; smoke that.

More from the land of wheeze: Get this; by 2007, Hispanics/Latinos/Mexicans (or whatever the hell they want to be called this week) will be the majority population in Arizona. (As if they aren't already.) One more little donut hole for you--the Federal Government may no longer give the states any money to house the illegal immigrant criminals we catch; NO, I'm serious. The Feds WON'T close the border, even though it's national security (and THEIR job), and now the Feds don't want to pay for their own mess that the states have to clean up anyway. (I can't even come up with a metaphor for how pathetic this is.) Okay; imagine if there was a male elementary school teacher with a history of molesting female students; imagine that the principal of the school knows all about this, but continues to let the teacher teach; who is at fault? Well here in Arizona, the teacher is fired, but the principal stays.

Sunday, January 19th, 2003

#1 35 vials of bubonic plague are missing from a lab at Texas Tech University in Lubbock, Texas. Wait; they "accounted" for the "misplaced" plague. But then Texas found out that over 20% of all airplane cargo is unscreened, AND actually flown on commuter airplanes--and the airplane passengers know nothing of it.

Overnight Guy's Comment: "Here at Texas Tech, we take national security the same way we take a shot of whiskey; with our eyes closed, and hoping that we don't puke." Now on to airplane cargo; duh. Cargo has ALWAYS flown on passenger planes; the problem here is that 20% of it is still unscreened. Airplanes, airlines, and airports are only a bit less dangerous now than they were previous to 9/11. We are all just waiting for the next big kaboom. Do you feel any safer now?

#2. UN Inspectors have found at least a dozen evil warheads in Iraq, as of Thursday morning.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Have we gone to war yet?

#2 and a half: HEADLINE: "U.S. kids 'zonked' by drugs"; a new study shows that by 1996 more than 6% of children were taking drugs like Prozack, Ritalin, and Risperdal (Yes, and THAT was 7 years ago.); the percentage is zooming (call it a "zoom-zonk") much higher now, duh.

Overnight Guy's Comment: What about Xanax? And what the hell is Risperdal? I am SO out of the loop. This is like an episode of Southpark; hey wait, this WAS an episode of Southpark. Art imitates life, baby. "My kids are perfect, you know, except for all those pills they take." Okay, that's enough.

Also; 7 fifth-graders in Colorado are being held (to be charged with "reckless endangerment") for contaminating a fellow female student's school drinks with glue, pencil leads, pills, and other substances. (Let's have some more children, please.)

#3 (from the sunny hood with blunts in the crizzack) Central Phoenix; as in, that's where Phoenix College is: Beginning January 27th, Phoenix College will offer a class on rap lyrics. "Rap Literature-The Oral Tradition" will examine its lyrical history and currency, homey.

Overnight Guy's Comment: In Phoenix? Who the fuck came up with this shit? We need Mexican studies here; Latino and Central American, let's represent the population. Phoenix? Let 'em deconstruct rap lyrics in Chicago--where the Blacks like to riot anyway.

More from the wikki wikki, heavily negro-influenced Urban metropolis (not) that is this desert: Bankrupt K-Mart (Remember them?) is finally starting to shut down stores in Phoenix (7 total)--and we are losing the one in our neighborhood, boo. If you're interested, the Gay Rodeo is in town for 3 days; Fri., Sat., and Sunday. A final door-ding from the courthouse; another initiative is being proposed to allow illegal immigrant criminals to get driver's licenses; ANOTHER one, as in, some of these moron fuck lawmakers have unsuccessfully tried this before. Yes, correct, exactly; I too am asking "Why?".

Sunday, January 12th, 2003

There is lots of news this week, but we're not going to do the regular numbering of 1-4. We're going to talk about Thursday of this week, when I got to watch the entire O'Reilly Factor on tv. Wow. Not only are the governments in California and Arizona a joke, Arizona's Planned Parenthood is a farce; they didn't tell ANYBODY about performing an abortion on a 13 yr. old girl who was being sexually abused by her 23 yr. old step-brother. After 6 MORE months of sexual abuse, the same girl came back for another abortion; Romley (Arizona's D.A.) is going to have some trouble with this...31% of the LEGAL Mexican immigrants receive some sort of aid from our government; now COME ON, isn't that fact ALONE enough to make you angry? Here's some homework for you: You have to listen for it, but close to the end of the O'Reilly Factor--when he's giving out e-mail addresses--the background music is Stabbing Westward's "Save Yourself". Nicely done, Bill, now I have to go dig out my "Darkest Days" CD (Fox also uses "Save Yourself" during its football broadcasts).

Saddam is directly defying many rules he should be adhering to; war is imminent; and N. Korea continues to rattle their sabre as well. I love N. Korea because they are completely 2-faced about everything; on Saturday, N. Korea vowed to "smash U. S. nuclear maniacs" in a "holy war"...while its diplomats told New Mexico's Gov. Bill Richardson their country had no intention of building nuclear bombs. And more; political science people say that the populace of N. Korea do not want a war with America, but then over a million N. Korean citizens turn out at an anti-American rally--and raise their fists for the "blood with revenge" call. Isn't this fun?...
(Not just mosquitos...) Birds can also carry that West Nile virus stuff. Do you care that 500 Beatles tapes stolen in 1969 have been recovered? I don't. Did you hear about the 3 kids in New York being beaten, starved and forced to live in a tiny closet; 1 kid already died. Then there's the 2 boys in New Jersey that were dehydrated and malnourished, as well as beaten. Think of these things as the abortion rate in America is at its lowest rate ever, so even more fertilized eggs can wind up as abused human "pets". To hell with chickens, how about a 'crack baby in every pot'? Hey, it's your world; blaze the pipe. (Inside every casual observer is a cynical pessimist.)

Sunday, January 5th, 2003

#1 This is vague, but with the real warming of the planet, insects and animals now migrate later, and not as far south. On their returns, conversely, they often go further north. This is screwing up every aspect of nature as we know it.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Nature is now a temporary science that changes yearly. Sleep well.

#2 This is Arizona news, yes, but also a lovely microcosm of the business world. At Arizona State University, budget cuts (in 2002) forced the elimination of 75 faculty positions, and about 40 clerical positions were axed. A special Legislature meeting in December called for another $16 million to be eliminated from the budget (this will hit research facilities and libraries). There's no mention of eliminating any executive positions, or any of the executive raises (from 2002) that total over $250,000.

Overnight Guy's Comment: During budget cuts, people are not supposed to get raises. Period. End of discussion.

#2 and a half: Menlo, Iowa: A pickup crammed with 9 Hispanics (who had no U.S. identification) slammed head-on into a tractor trailer on Interstate 80. The pickup was completely demolished, and all 9 passengers died. The smaller truck crossed the median and hit the larger truck.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Remember, even though you are a dumbass, YOU will probably be functioning fairly well when you are done in by some OTHER dumbass. Let's go ask the tractor trailer driver, who is injured--and recovering in the hospital, what HE thinks about illegal immigrants now.

#3 (from the surprisingly comfortable SW) Surprise, AZ: The Surprise Police Department was evacuated Monday after at least 7 people got sick for reasons that remained unclear. Some people puked, some got really bad itches on their skin or eyes; more than 2 dozen were evacuated. Firefighters could not pinpoint a cause, so environmental consultants were called to investigate.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Surprise, surprise, surprise. You have to love "could not pinpoint a cause".

Sunday, December 29th, 2002

#1 For December, corporate profits are up, for the first time in like, 5 years.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Now ain't this a hoot? According to the news, we just had the weakest Christmas spending season since 1970, but somehow corporate profits are up. Whatever.

#2 500,00 total; 100,000 Arizonan's are up for identity theft after some big-assed data base was invaded by some TOTALLY UNKNOWN group, and officials are playing wait-and-see on this one.

Overnight Guy's Comment: I'm so glad to have shitty credit; if you hackers want some of my credit bureau mail, then hack me baby!

#2 and a half: a nice family story; Chicago: 6 yr. old Alma Manjarrez was beaten to death when she tried to break up the fight between her mother and her mother's boyfriend. The girl's 26 yr. old mother did not immediately seek help, waiting until 3:30 am to call 911. The mother also has a 1-month old baby, but it was taken to child protective services.

Overnight Guy's Comment: "Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding..." And to all the little girls at my job, who have kids, and get all mouthy and attitudey with me when I say that 'only stupid people are breeding', I'd like to say "Thank you for proving me right.".

#3 Arifuckingzona; okay, in our $billion shortfall, somebody found $34 million to repave highways and make them quieter--while the sick die/poor starve/nobody learns anything in school/illegal immigrant criminals run rampant.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Well, as long as we've got our priorities straight.

Sunday, December 22nd, 2002

#1 Every once in awhile I get to say something like 'I'd been waiting for a story like this' about a newspaper article, so get ready:
Washington: In case you don't know, everybody in the government seems to be eager to ease immigration laws, create amnesty for immigrants, 'hey let's just turn all of these illegally imported criminals into U.S. citizens', and (as of last week) now Mexican trucks are allowed to transport onto American soil. These BRILLIANT politicians did a national survey of 2862 Americans and found that "controlling and reducing illegal immigration" is "very important" to 70% of them (close the damn borders already). However, only 22% of congressional leaders want to "control and reduce illegal immigration".

Overnight Guy's Comment: It is clearly stated in the U.S. Constitution that we should rise up when our government no longer represents the will of the people.

#2 Back-to-back, here's another story I've been waiting for: Washington; A National 'do-not-call' list is coming soon. It will ONLY apply to certain businesses OUTSIDE the consumer's home state. Charities, airlines, banks, and telephone companies are all exempt.

Overnight Guy's Comment: You people crack me up. Like, when I call somebody and they say 'I'm on the do-not-call list', I drop into Jerky Boys mode and say "Yeah, sure, and how's that do-not-call list workin' out for ya there, cupcake? I'll call back later--when you're asleep.", and then I hang up on them. Shit, I hope my boss doesn't read this. JUST KIDDING, JOE!
On a serious note; look, you can't stop telemarketers. We won this war a long time ago. Our auto-dialers call 20 numbers at a time for 1 marketer, and you can't keep us from making your phone ring--because that's what phones do: ring! Learn how to "screen" your calls with that answering machine you got 15 years ago. Caller ID, call announce, call block, and tele-zap don't mean shit in my world, but you go ahead and keep buying every gizmo that promises to stop phone salesmen. Thank you.

#2 and a half: From Headline News (so it might be true) A "herd" of elephants in India (a "group", a "gaggle", whatever), elephants in India, okay? They got into a stash of moonshine, drank most of it, went nuts, and killed 6 people.

Overnight Guy's Comment: I've had 2 experiences with moonshine, and this story sounds about right. Keep away from an open flame; that's what I learned. Keep away from drunk elephants seems like pretty good advice, too.

More national nougat; the drug, Clozapine, an antipsychotic, is the first psychiatric medication to win federal approval as a treatment for suicidal behavior (this is a great medical breakthrough, and I've GOT to get my hands on some of this Clozapine stuff--it must be, like, triple prozac)

#3 (from out here in the wild, wild west) Man, we've got road rage on top of road rage; innocent grandmothers getting sniped in the head at stoplights, and then you we have this from Chandler: Christopher Shawn Rhoden, 40, struck his roommate (Tony Oliva, 30) in the head with a hammer late Friday night or Saturday morning. This first blow did not kill Tony, and Christopher left the room. Later, Christopher went back and repeatedly whacked Tony in the head with the hammer, killing him. Christopher then tried to bury Tony's body in the back yard. Tony's girlfriend also lived there, with her 2 children, and she called 911 on Sunday morning.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Isn't this great? What kind of party did they have that weekend? Isn't Arizona awesome? I hear Chris is looking for a new roommate.

More meth for the pregnant strippers: After snorting AND smoking methamphetamine, Sarah Thompson, 24, breast-fed her 6-week old baby Robyn Desmarais, killing the baby; an autopsy determined the baby died from meth poisoning. Sarah's older daughter, Anniesse, 2, is still alive, still breast-feeding, still shivering, and well, good for her.

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