I sit here and I wait. I feel so stupid at times. I just want a message, a sign, a signal, something. I keep myself occupied with this little daily stuff; I know my role, I don't mess up anything. I deserve a reward for putting up with as much as I do. But I am so far past being entertained with it. I don't even feel involved anymore. It's almost like the holographic story finally has been completed, and my part does not figure into the ending. Now if that really is the case, then I can deal with it. All I want to know is: why am I still here?

Is this what happens to crazy/profoundly sane people? Do they/we finally figure out that everything is total b.s., and then snap? Okay; great. So let's "snap" already. I mean it. Let's go; right now. Let's start killing some folks. C'mon, nobody is safe. Give me a gun, or a knife, or a fork even. Let's just start poking people until they start yelling and dying. I am SO ready. You don't get it, do you? See, I want to be the next Charles Manson. I want to convince hundreds, thousands, millions of kids that humans are bad. We are the problem. We created pollution, and we put ourselves entirely above everything else. What we do is not "survival"; what we do is strip-mine. As if planting a few trees in our wake could really make up for any of our atrocities. The only thing to do is die; seriously, die before you can harm another living thing. Do I sound crazy? Oh, this is just the tip of the 'berg, baby.

Jim Jones was a genius. Remember him? He was the guy in Guyana with the cyanide kool-aid for all of his followers. Man, now ol' Jim had it all figured out: 'The better world beckons to us from the beyond; to get there we must leave here.' Now that is some profound stuff to eat (drink). Think of how hard a sale that would be; to convince semi- rational people to throw themselves into the abyss..."There is NO happiness here, we all must go." I take my hat off to Mr. Jones. But better than take my hat off to him, I want to follow his lead; maybe even outdo him. That would be tough.

Any moron with a library card can create a bomb and blow up a building in Texas; and any pair of kids in Colorado can shoot up their high school. Hell; any boy scout can kill a bunch of innocent bystanders and say "oops". These are strictly cries for attention, and weak ones at that. And that's not what I want to do anyway.

Jim Jones convinced about 650 (?) people to suicide, right? I want to convince over 1000 people, maybe 10,000 people that there is NO hope left. I want to prove beyond all doubt that humans are the 'root of all evil' (hey, that was pretty good) and that the only thing to do is to die RIGHT NOW.

Serve your planet; serve other planets, serve life itself and kill yourself. The ultimate combination of awakening and resolution. Quit waiting for a tragedy to strike you; create your own tragedy and have fun while doing it! Don't watch the news; BE THE NEWS! Come and help start the ultimate Universal Clean-Up Trend. This is what you've been waiting for; a true "ground floor" opportunity. Feed some worms and free your mind at the same time!

And believe me, this story is biblical! You know all that Christian crap about how physical life is just the introduction to the true fluffy cloud world that awaits us? Exactly; so what the hell (ha!) are we waiting for? Let's go directly to God and apologize to him for not figuring this out sooner! I mean, he's still going to be pissed off and all, but it's not like we directly contaminated any other planets yet. We've got to get up there to see him before we crash toxic waste on Mars! Times a-wasting here. If you wait to die, then you are just prolonging the agony of human existence for all other life forms. Do you think God is going to be happy about that? A truly God-like life was meant to be simple and meek and uncomplicated; concentrating on the small family, and the overall benefit of the immediate group (neighborhood). It doesn't matter that you PERSONALLY did not create industrial pollution or atomic bombs, because humans did. And you ARE a human. And ALL humans are equal in God's eyes, so we are ALL guilty. It's starting to make sense, isn't it?

When you finally do stand before the Master, it won't matter if you are a native American ancestor who lived off of the land peacefully, or if you were a Christian pastor in a big church, or if you were the Einstein who split the atom--you are still a human, and you are the cause of the problem. The only posible way to save some face is to blow yours off yourself. You must recognize the truth of the situation--and go to meet God on your terms. If you string along this physical life to its ultimate demise, then you are merely holding tightly to something that you KNOW you will lose eventually anyway, and that makes you PATHETIC. We are all going to die; you know this. Has anybody NOT died yet? Everybody dies.

So; everybody dies, hanging on to life is pathetic, and we are all guilty. Do you think I could sell this massive suicide pact yet? What else do we need; strippers, fireworks? Seriously; what would it take to get you to participate? I want to help you apologize to God for all of our downfalls. I am trying to get you to do it on your own terms, so His first question to you is not "What took you so long, dumbass?" You should give me all your money and assets just for pointing out this great idea to you.

And all of a sudden, my life has meaning: I exist to devastate the herd, and to teach others to thin it out, as well. It's a tough job, but I'll stay here until at least a few others are trained to carry on the work. But right now I have to go; I have a lesson plan to write. I'm about to become another one of those teachers who change forever the lives of his students.