There was another commentary, about "work" this summer of 2005. As it turns out, this is all 1 big mess--1 commentary; work, depression, new and expanded back pain--lack of medical attention and meds, money problems, and more. You should probably stop reading this now. Go surf some porn, or play some poker; just go away. You don't really want to see me get all upset, do you?
The baby boomers generation supposedly ended with births in 1964. The 20 years after that are still currently referred to as "Generation X". Ideally, you would want to have a few important people on the front edge of this wave; that COULD have been me--I was born in 1965. I did too many drugs to be a politician (and didn't have enough sex, especially gay sex, apparently). My teenage car wreck with massive core and spinal injuries ended my dream of being the next Chevy Chase (stunt-comedian). 10 years of extensive and expensive disappointment followed. With some luck, grace, and a little faked confidence, I talked my way into (my original--and often forgotten--back-up plan) being a radio DJ at the age of 28.
I'm not going to toot my horn either--here it is in ONE sentence: I was doing a job that nobody else really wanted, and I turned it into a job that nobody else could do. Some people "achieve greatness"; I was merely "effective" and VERY lucky. Every big mistake made worked to my benefit; almost every chance I took turned to gold. From a 3-job existence centering around being a 3rd shift convenience store clerk listening TO the radio...NOW hoping to be...um...the (radio DJ) Overnight Guy FOR Generation X; it was my honor and pleasure to be the 3rd shift background noise (for 5+ years)...until the corporate take-over of radio in '97. Bye (in 1998).
The single-sense medium that was (pre-corporate, mid-90's alternative music) radio was the best thing I was ever connected to (pinball runs a close 2nd). Radio may well have been worthy of "selling out" for, but the sorted beginnings of this new commerce-based style infuriated me. Radio was meant to be run by music lovers--not business slugs; here's another example of the "hippies" being ousted by the "suits". Blah blah blah. That's all years past now.
Right after my radio run I met an incredible young lady who needed to be liked. Like her? I developed an immediate crush on her. I "stalked" her. She didn't seem to mind. Lucky her. Luckier me. 6 years, and 2 big moves with her later, I still have a crush on her--and she still doesn't mind. Now we're on the west coast. She's poor, and I'm broke; but we have each other. Awww. And now I'm turning 40, with no REAL job-training or employment. Oh I can do minimal work, but my brain and body have some lingering issues. It's depressing in every sense of the word; I've been suicidal for 2 months (potentially ANOTHER commentary). Low-wage phone sales don't have the same thrill as they did 10 or 15 years ago.
The other commentary about "work" would slide in right here. I used to want to work-at-home because I was lazy. (I once did a 300 piece mailing back in the early 90's; it took about 5 hours of sitting around in my sweat pants, drinking coffee, and listening to my old Rush albums; alone. It was very enjoyable.) I've tried some network marketing, and a few other things that have never played out well. After the year 2000, with 2 additionally further-complicating back injuries in my late 30's, I see now that "getting out of bed" and "going to work" are terribly painful activities to be avoided whenever possible. Right now I am waking up before 6 am to go do minimum wage phone sales. No wonder I'm depressed! "Work" is hardly worth the effort that it takes ME to do. Nobody sees, or knows, exactly what I have to go through to get out of bed. There is no "painless" way to do it. It does get a little bit easier after a few minutes of being upright--which seems to be common, but that is NO justification for the everyday agony. Sometimes my legs are numb; I'm sloppy and uncoordinated--sometimes I'm even crying; and I go through this because...why? Because I have bills to pay? Because "everybody suffers through work"? No they don't (if I was a whale, then I would've beached myself long ago--8-21-05). This is not a way to live; and I am not smiling through all of this pain simply because I'm happy to be alive. Okay? Just because (after dealing with it for years) I have an extremely high tolerance for back pain, along with a good sense of humor, and a pretty cool voice--I'm supposed to suffer like this? Screw you; and screw "work", too.
I won't be doing "life" this way for very much longer; but that's not a suicide threat. That's a "work" threat. I have decided...to hang around for at least a little while. I may drop down to a wheelchair soon--I may have to. Would that get people to take my pain seriously? And I'm willing to be productive, possibly even inspirationally productive for the masses--but NOT for a minimum wage phone job. Screw that. I can read aloud; I can write, and I can still...never mind.
There is a flicker of hope in the mix here; some chances and choices are about to become present and available for me. I have even gone so far as to VOLUNTEER my services. I'm actually torn between not wanting to care at all, and caring more than I ever have. So few people entering middle age get opportunities like this.
Having this inexpensive life I lead is a nice bonus for my current dilemma; I am easily amused. I've never been extravagant, and there's no need to start being such now. I don't actually need a huge sack of money, but I AM going to need alot more than I have right now. The bills are piling up, and my physical problems are only going to get worse (that's according to the doctors, and my degenerative disk disorder). I AM willing to put forth some solid effort and earn my keep; but I need some no-impact, higher paying employment right now, and I also need some assistance. It's not like I want to start a big savings account; I'd like to be able to put more money INTO the marketplace; in order to do that I will need more money to work with. I've been paying into Social Security for over 20 years; can they help? Stay tuned...
Staying tuned; because I still choose to work, and because I make over $800 a month; that is TOO much to get Social Security (some people CHOOSE to sit at home and whine like crybabies--even though they COULD work). So while I CAN go to work a few days per week, I will continue to do so. I'm also going to improve my attitude while I am still able to determine it. It has been made clear to me that I need to be giving my best. So here we go into middle age!
Why are you still here? Go check your e-mail or something.
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