One of the better e-mail forwards of my life was sent to me in April, 2008 from a Floridian Zombie. I cleaned it up a little, turned it from from e-mail to html, and added some crap at the end (gee, imagine). Any tribute to Steven Wright is a good one, and I continue to wish him every measure of success.

If you're not familiar with the work of

Steven Wright,

he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals.

Here are some of his gems:

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it

33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Okay; wait a sec. I am QUITE familiar with Steven Wright. He was not only the breakout act from the early 80's dynamic Boston comedy scene, but also he was the impressive deadpan "K-Billy" radio DJ in "Reservoir Dogs". In fact, I could dump 2 or 3 paragraphs of Steven Wright trivia on you, and make you say 'wow' a handful of times. And I know 3 other people who know more about him than I do; "S Dub" is no stranger to us failed radio DJ's, okay?

BTW: Did you have to look up that word "erudite"? I was pretty sure it meant "scholarly"--but I had to know. Yes; it is for those who are very intelligent, primarily from being well-read. In Georgia, my old stomping grounds, Steven would be considered "book-learnt".

Why am I here? OH! 34 above; the last one. WRONG! Yes; many of these tidbits from above are paraphrased, and that's fine. I'm sure Mr. Wright appreciates the attention either way. But 34 got reworked; not a "make-over", but more like a rape. I intervene now because I am NOT sure that Steven Wright would have approved this message (#34 above). I, too, will paraphrase, but more along the lines of actuality. 34 above comes from this:

I went to a job interview. We were almost done. He asked me if I had any questions (conceptually close, but probably not verbally accurate). I said 'Yeah. If you're on a spaceship travelling at the speed of light, and you turn on your headlights; what happens?' The interviewer said 'I don't know.' Steven Wright gets up and says 'Forget it then; I can't work for you.' Ha. See? Now that's some funny sh-t...I may even use that in my impending job interviews. Here, here, here; take this with you--take it all the way to S Dub's agent (for a t-shirt--send me one): "Steven Wright; he can do more in one question than most people can in a whole conversation."

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