After a not-too-exciting day at work, with a machette in one hand, and a chainsaw in the other, I did some redecorating in the office of my apartment complex. I started in the parking lot, detailing Tovia's red Mustang convertible. Then I went inside and decapitated all of the on-duty staff. The large knife worked well on the new southwestern art. Plus, The actual blade made for a nice spatula in the smattering of blood across the walls. I finished up this leg of the journey by putting a nice golden shower on the messy, twitching body of the current office manager. Quickly, I headed to Bell Honda...
4 guys "approach" me in the parking lot, to see if I want to buy Honda today. I told them that we had bought a Ford, here(!), 2 weeks ago, and were still trying to get it finished up. As they all moved away from me, I spun-swung the clotting machette and took out 3 of them immediately. The 4th was already crying by the time I made eye contact. I smiled, swung low, and chopped him down at the knees. Then I picked up one of his foot stubs and started pounding him with it. This brought out more of the sales crew, some of them boldly asking 'what seems to be the problem here?'. One by one they all go down clumsily, as if they know that fate is speaking to them. I finished this little trip by chainsawing in half the biggest SUV I could find; that was loud. Next stop; TPG's (now) former McDonald's store...
I walked in and asked the 3 people I wasn't supposed to kill to step outside. LeRoy brought them out right past me. I thanked them, and asked them to stay outside for just 60 seconds. They agreed; (I assured LeRoy that this was not a robbery). With the chainsaw engine maxed out, I tore through the counter and soda fountain, wrecked the holding trays, and moved toward the mid-office, where I put a slice and dice on a screaming Deeanne that would've made any tv chef drool. Most of the employees got out of my way quickly; you have to respect that. Cutting through the side wall into the bathroom was fun; scared the crap out of some guy who was changing clothes though. I told him that he wasn't going to have to work tonight, and cut back into the kitchen a different way. Then I started scream-laughing "Aaaaaaaah! I want a fucking Beef + Cheddar! Do you have Beef + Cheddars here? Where the fuck am I going to get a goddamn Beef + Cheddar? Huh? Huh? Say it! Say it, goddamnit! Say 'Arby's'!". Seeing how scared all of the employees are, I told them that they were safe--except for the managers. Gabbie's register drawer was open, so I cut off both of her hands and stuffed them inside. "You like to put your hands in there, huh? Well let's just put 'em in there permanently!" Unfortunately, that was all of the managers. So I slowly walked outside, where LeRoy was trying to assure the police and swat teams that I wasn't actually a threat anymore, but they were all locked and loaded on me. I dropped the machette and chainsaw calmly. But then Captain Megaphone was screaming all about 'lie down, face down, arms up, legs spread' or some kind of sick Twister shit like that. Like I'm going to let some fag cop play "Catholic priest" on me. I put my pointer finger up--to ask for just a moment--and then I spun around, dropped my pants, and mooned the tv cameras as a hail of rifle fire played out in slow motion.
By some kind of Equity Leasing, Bell Honda, or McDonald's corkscrew twist of fate, I wind up on a pillow cloud in Heaven--of all places--and some guy with a "St. Peter" tattoo on his arm says "You're a pretty funny guy; now go back and bring me a Big Montana and a Jamocha shake.".
What a fucking day.