Sidebars 79 - 85


November 2005

Reading: I can't even keep up with the daily newspaper--and I paid for the damn subscription!

Watching: PTI (when it's on), the 'Daily Show' (Jon Stewart does an incredible impersonation of George Bush--I laugh hard!), tons of football, 'Most Haunted' with my girl. Right; so I'm in Oregon now--3000 or so miles from Georgia...and I see a show on CBS here about the UGA/FLA rivalry that goes all the way back into the 60's; older than I am! The world's largest outdoor cocktail party will not be denied!
On TLC, Static Girl and I saw (another) a great show on crop circles. They're NOT all human, they're NOT all explained, and the "balls of light" PROVE some kind of non-human intelligence. But you won't see shit like this on Headline News.
Pizza Hut trashes ZZ Top's "Tush" in a commercial--it's not even the real song (and I used to like Pizza Hut); Animal Planet brilliantly uses Peter Shilling's "Major Tom" in a promo.
You can't depend on video music channels for anything but disappointment--so you have to look for the specific hour-long shows that show videos, and they're not even on the music channels. Does anybody else have access to this show "Hard Times"? It's an hour of hard rock videos on a local Northwest channel here; I love it.

Hearing: Radio freakout? Yeah; did you know I was a Rager? Every time I hear Rage Against The Machine on the radio, I turn it up LOUD; shake, scream and head-bob. (Dude; aren't you like, 40?) I know; it's weird, huh? Oh; I have at least 1 mix of Crystal Method doing Rage; maybe 2. Ha. And...
With my purchase of Crystal Method's "Community Service" on 10-8-05, I now own EVERY song Crystal Method has ever done; I am officially a cranked up crack whore. Baby. I remember back in the 80's when I had everything Rush ever did--on vinyl. From classic stadium rock to techno-rave; what a long, strange trip it's been. Either I have 99 Crystal Method songs, or I have MORE than that, and the counter only goes up to 99. That's just not right. 99.
The corporate Alternative station here has a talk bed that is...Crystal Method's "Wild, Sweet, Cool". Ha. My FCP sent me that song originally.
Online poker to Crystal Method is nice (gee, imagine). And the new Garbage is also excellent. (Ha; I have 4 different mixes of Crystal Method doing Gargabe.) NIN is a little too...moody? involved? intense?... for poker background noise--it makes me angry; sorry Trent.
Weezer is touring with the Foo Fighters--both bands have new music out. Very sweet. Heard Weezer in a Fox NFL throw to commercial. Can we put Weezer's "Hash Pipe" in a tv commercial, too? Awww; why not?
Heard "Layla" at Safeway; the GOOD version. Me, and a guy working there were both impressed. Woo. Shopping to Derek and the Dominos can be dangerous. On a different night I heard Foreigner. Then, on another Safeway visit, I heard "Bad to the Bone"; that was my post--"And now a few words about dirty underwear" song. Ha.
At job #4 there is a young Pink Floyd fan. Cool! I'll make him a copy of "Atom Heart Mother Hits the Road"; but he doesn't even own a cassette player. Who DOESN'T own a cassette player? Are you kidding me? This young Floyd fan, J, has also turned me on to (Throwing Muses singer) Kristen Hirsch's new band "50 Foot Wave". Bubble gum punk rock with her singing; life is good. Hearing it now, and drooling.
Also at job #4, my trainer guy turned me on to comedian Dane Cook.
10-26-05: the CD World sign says there is new Depeche Mode out. Wow. Wouldn't that be sweet?

What I want today: Pot, pills, and a Porsche 911. (Um; no comment, no comment, and I'm sticking with the crunched Gus Bus for now.)
Want? I need a damn haircut. Cancel that. Now I need a hair piece. How little hair do I have left? Well, I've been using the same bottle of shampoo for a year now. Maybe longer.
I want to start writing again! I want writing to become primary--just once, just one more time, after age 40. I wanna go "NYAAAAA!" at the world.
Taco Bell; make jokes if you want, but I will go there and eat so that I can get a fountain drink of "Baja Blast" Mountain Dew. It's a blue-raspberry-sweet lemonade type of flavor, and very good. Why is there no bottled Baja Blast Dew in the store, and why is there no Pitch Black fountain Dew at Taco Bell? I have questions.

New stuff this month or so: Bird flu! It's "avian", not "abian". It could be fucking "lesbian" bird flu for all I care. But it's coming soon, and it could wipe out half of the other 6 continents. There is hope! This whole bad experiment (humans) will be over soon enough. Finally. I was about to give up. Now let's start living our lives with some meaning!
No more poker across the street; T was running a kiddie porno ring; don't ask.
Choosing which music files to delete from the hard drive is tough. Did I get drunk and delete Caviar? I'm putting them back in NOW; let's hope Blake isn't too pissed with me. Okay, they're back; shhh, don't tell him.
I can tell that my arms are a tiny bit bigger; that's pretty cool.
Whoa; and my still-obnoxiously-huge gut is a bit smaller.
10-8-05 was a big day; we got Gus a new serpentine belt and an oil change with what COULD have been extra party money. Look at me being 'sponsible.
Back in 1994, the band Sons of Elvis had a single "Soaking In it", and they promoted it by changing the labels on actual bottles of green Palmolive dish soap to a label with their name and the song title, and they sent these bottles of real dish soap around to radio stations--hoping that the bottles would get used in the sinks of those radio stations, and perhaps their song would get played on the radio. This BRILLIANT idea is an example of how radio promotions USED to work, before the corporations came in with their Bambi's and their Kudzu. My Old boss Dug gave me the bottle because our cheap little radio station only had a bathroom sink. Anyway; I've carried this bottle of soap around with me for 10 years, and 3 moves; we're finally using it in our sink now. Thank You to the band Sons of Elvis.
We have not one, but 2 new vaccums! We may now officially join the Oreck cult. I'm sucking carpet over here, and both vaccums are great, too!
I doubt any of you will ever see it here, but I finally wrote a worthy poem. Writing DID become primary one Tuesday night in October, one more time, after age 40, and it was beautiful! I'm happy. NYAAAAA!
Friday, 10-21-05, payday; I got rear-bumped in a minor car-wreck on the busy 11th ave. here. The at-fault girl and I are okay enough--I may have some extra back problems--great; just a reminder to ALWAYS be paying attention while driving. Gus will need a new bumper and right rear quarter, possibly a new right rear door. Insurance appears to be functioning properly so far. Stay tuned. What if it costs more to repair than he's worth? Looks like I get a new Dr. out of the deal. Bummer; I've been doing "intermediate" core exercises for years, but now I have to go back to "beginner" level. Some of the twisting exercises are dangerous--well thanks for telling me, doc.
"All the chopsticks in China"...Did you know; the Chinese use disposable wooden chopsticks? Wanna know how that adds up? China itself uses 45 billion pairs of disposable chopsticks a year. That's 1.66 million cubic meters of timber, or 25 million full-grown trees. Rather than refine or change habits in the last few years, China started importing wood from 3 other countries that are now almost barren. This is some funny shit from the newspaper, huh? I'm just dreaming up crazy ideas here, but...maybe some re-usable stainless steel chopsticks?
Sometimes stuff from the newspaper just BEGS to be slapped around: Boeing (the aerospace and plane company) this year posted third quarter profits of $1.01 billion. Pretty good, right? Their company stock FELL 2.8%, or $1.87 per share, to close at $65.10 on the NYSE. So; a billion dollars of profit is BAD? Ha. I love this shit. Hey; let's go invest some money in Boeing! How does a company make a billion and still lose value?
10-31-05: Today is the day; Bird Flu has hit north America. Woo-hoo! Some birds in Canada were confirmed as having flew; no, flu. Sure. Are we dead yet?

What's different here than in college town: The college town I speak of is Athens, GA. And in Athens they are, through the University of Georgia's New Media Institute (NMI), providing a "cloud" (the first EVER) of WiFi (wireless high-speed internet) over the city. Free. It's a revolutionary idea that is trying to be copied by many other cities, but now there are legal problems. It would appear that Athens, GA is just screwed up enough of a place to make free WiFi work for the citizens. WiFi is about 10 times faster then the high-speed internet that most people pay $40-$50 a month for.

I have never seen so much UGA football on tv since I left Athens. The Dawgs are undefeated , ranked #5 or so (FSU lost, we'll be #4 now), and on CBS every other week. Cool. And then came Florida. Crap.
Ever read that comic strip "Stone Soup"? Sure you do. The author of that above-average strip is Eugene resident Jan Eliot. Now you know.

What's different here than dumbass Arizona: It rains a little--almost every day; it'll sprinkle, and then stop, then sprinkle a little more. It's nice...In 2002, this place in Arizona offered to install Gus a new serpentine belt for $200; here in big O, 2005, it only cost $50. The locally-brewed Henry Weinhard's beer I love also has a "dark" flavor. Yum.

Life with Static Girl: She was going to bake; remember? She baked one of the finest chocolate cakes in the history of chocolate cakes. Yum! I had to go get her canola oil at the cool Grocery Outlet--maybe she'll make another cake! I'm having cake, and ice cream, and eating it all. We like the strawberry bon-bons, too. Recently I told her she was the 'best looking woman IN the floor'; that made her smile. She has started working, and it's killing her right arm. Sometimes when I'm happy with her, I'll say "I must have you right now!". She just shakes her head 'No'. My girlfriend called me "svelt"; that HAS to be a good sign! She made another cake--even better than the first one! Can she make a cellular peptide cake with mint frosting? She started working, and she's putting in some hard effort for zero recognition...again.

My FCP has this for me: Her dedication to physical fitness is more fuel to keep me going to my PFTF for those regular 3 days a week. In her world, she has lost 40 lbs. since becoming single again--good for her! She had a birthday, and had to work for 3 days straight through it; very responsible. I am so proud of her. She is the centerpiece of my latest writing surge! I am happy (with her help) to be back in the loops of raw genius and insanity. She got some new clothes; 4 sizes smaller than the woman she used to be. My FCP! New Foo; "Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?" reminds me of my FCP; so does that "But what I really meant to say is I'm sorry for the way I am" song. When I'm not thinking about my girlfriend, I AM thinking about her; everybody even seems to be pretty happy with this arrangement. Snicker.

A thought to take with you: Never mind how I came up with this, but how about "Stagnant Killer Mosquito Larvae Bong Water" as a name for a band?

Bumper sticker at work (job #4):

primitive word for a lousy hunter


December 2005

Reading: Newspapers sit and call to me everyday; I just don't have time. I read them, yes, but it's usually a few days later.

Watching: So I was flipping channels on a random Thursday night in early November. Wow; you people are totally fucked--I honestly feel sorry for regular viewers of the box.
I get my news from Jon Stewart and the Daily Show on Comedy Central--I'm going to keep mentioning that every month now. Jon Stewart is also a big fan of "House" on Fox. So I will now get back into that show with the pissy old guy who limps around and says smartass things that upset all of those around him. Wait; is that Gregory House, or is that me? Never mind.
Southpark is now syndicated; it will air 5 nights a week on Fox. Don't tell me the world's not ending.
Driving home on a Thursday behind a weaving mother with 3 small children in the car, I decided it was time to go rent Rob Zombie's "The Devil's Rejects". What a nice family film that was. I need more psycho killer clown porn in my life.
3000 Miles to Graceland is a movie that had a ton of potential; seriously. I watched enough of it to see a driving segue with an acid trails light show, to the sounds of...Crystal Method's "Vapor Trail".
On tv; from last month, well-played Meatloaf in a Dr. Pepper comercial; Foo Fighters in a Victoria Secrets commercial (yum); the Cash version of NIN's "Hurt" in the back of the new "Shield" promos (sweet). The Korbel champagne commercial with Pilot's "Magic" wasn't necessary.

Hearing: I'm trying to pick up on a little of the local music scene--but I could be doing so much more. Look at me; going to see all these live shows, and trying to get back on the radio (not).
At the Dollar Tree, still don't believe it myself, Deep Purple's "Smoke on the Water" (Do they know what that song's about?); okay, so can we also hear Weezer's "Hash Pipe" at the Dollar Store? Aww, why not? Where was I? Oh! Dire Straits at McDonald's; no, I don't believe it either.
Confirmed, then denied (it's like 1947 in Roswell, NM all over again); the corporate "new rock and 90's Alternative" station here doesn't PLAY Crystal Method--they just use "Name of the Game" in a talk bed, and have the line "Now is the Time" in a station promo. Those pussies. I will LISTEN to the corporate New Rock station (in between stupid commercials), because that is the music I enjoy the most. But they could do so much better...It's actually a different radio station (the Donkey) that uses "Wild, Sweet, Cool" Crystal Method in a talk bed. So I called them on the phone. Their DJ didn't even know what Crystal Method was. I give up.
Obscure 70's radio reference: "That's a Strange Way to Tell Me You Love Me"; who is that? I LIKE that song. No. I LOVE that song.
My computer went down for a weekend; no naked online poker for me. So I turned it into a Meatloaf weekend, and loved it! Then in my CD collection, I went way back to the early days of Alternative and pulled out all of my Farm music; "Messiah", "Groovy Train", "Rising Sun", and my FCP likes their version of "Stepping Stone". Cool.

What I want today: I'd LIKE for the new body pains to take a break. But they just keep on aching.
I sit here and I wonder about what is important to me--what should my life mean to me? My Mom thinks that I need to have work that inspires me. In the same orbit as "inspiring work", there are people at my current job #4 who sometimes show up to work hours early--hoping to "clock in" early and earn some more of that massive $7.25 an hour. Well let me say this out loud, one more time, just to make sure that all of you random and specific idiot fucks hear me loud and clear (although I will repeat this whenever you need me to): WORK is no fucking reason to be alive. I don't care if it is even YOUR radio station that YOU get to run ANY damn way you want to--it's still just a stupid job. It's just work, and work exists only to create a paycheck. "Work" may have meant something accomplishable, perhaps even noble, back in the days of individual recognition, drive and achievement; but it doesn't mean shit in this world now. Fuck work. Fuck the workers, fuck the sold out managers, too. It's not my dumbass idea to be "working" anyway; I merely USE work (when I can be bothered to go and do it) for the mundane bullshit that it is to try and inspire the artistic part of my brain into creative verbiage, or, to possibly give more meaning to my recreation (hey, let's get drunk/high/hopped up and forget about work). THIS is the mentality that our republic instills in us as consumers--if you were paying attention you would see it; I'm just years ahead of the curve--you'll catch up.

New stuff this month or so: Back pain; Winter 2005. With the latest in a string of unfortunate vehicular shocks to my spine, I now have a chiropractor (AND a couple of Dr.'s). Lucky me. A lawyer may be in the works, as well. What I really want is a GARDENER, and a PHARMACIST. Never mind. The extended mix of pain now includes a long, sharp jab down my right arm and right leg--especially if I turn my head to the right. Mid-November update; pain on the right side of my body is increasing--the right shoulder is now a major issue. This is fun; hey, let's watch the Overnight Guy's body deteriorate in detail. I will eat pills, and take naps, and fizzle out in my own disorganized spectacle. But I will not sit and cry about this shit. I use humor, sarcasm, and shock value to deal with the pain. Some people go 'He can't be hurting too badly--he's making jokes.' These people, many of whom are employed in the medical profession, will be the first people to be killed, cooked, and served in my new restaurant idea; "No Animals Were Harmed In The Making Of This Bar-B-Que; Now Shut Up And Eat". I USE humor, USE sarcasm, and USE shock value; they are tools. Or I can stop doing this today, and start using a gun, a cleaver, and an oven; OTHER tools. Your fuckin' choice; okay?

I found out in October: Who else knew that the Nascar pinball in Springtuckey is actually the newest pinball machine in the universe? I was just pissed that my Twilight Zone had been replaced. This new Nascar cabinet that I play has a few quirks, and tricks I have yet to master. But I will try harder now that we know it is the newest game available...183 mil; I have the #3 score right now. Ha. Cancel that; the trick is to extend the multiballs and keep building their bonuses. I'm up to 270 mil, score #2...Over the course of a week, I BEAT the Golden Tee competitor on the card, 2wice (scored a -22 on Painted Gorge), and for 1 day, I was the Master you could choose to play (W.C.D. in Springfield, OR). Cool. Just days before this run, I also scored my 1000th Eagle, then my 5000th Birdie on my Golden Tee card. It was already a great week, even before Monday 11-21-05, when I played the new Nascar pinball machine for 2 hours and scored 632,626,320.
Went and saw a movie, Corpse Bride, it was okay. The movie theater has a Lord of the Rings pinball in the game room (for me). It also has a "Dance Dance Revolution" thing for my FCP.
Gus turned 220K miles old on 11-3-05, the 23rd anniversary of my big mutha car wreck. It's my Thanksgiving. Gus was officially "totalled" from October's fender bender; I still love him, though.
There's a nearby, local buffet restaurant; "Izzy's"; they have just now started a promotion of Southern ribs--as part of the buffet. Bad idea. I'll be eating them out of business this first weekend of November here. Not yet. Maybe later. They're scared of me; they know I'm coming.
Fake sweetners--sugar replacements; pink and blue, and now also yellow packets. You've seen them, and probably used them. The key ingredient, or one of them, is aspartame. It's rat poison. Quit eating the poison. If you want to sweeten something, then...try adding some...SUGAR. Muscle mass, weight loss, and % of body weight fat be DAMNED; shut up and eat some sugar--bitch.
The Wal-Mart grocery opened. I hate Wal-Mart, and doubt that I would work there, but they have good prices (God bless those little third world 9 yr. olds who work those 12-hour days to ruin our American economy, and make Wal-Mart millions.). And there's a McDonald's in the new food part, too. I think that Wal-Mart and McD's are evil. So?
I went and had 1 of those "Meatnormous" breakfast sandwiches at Burger Burger. Yum. No heartburn, and no gas; just yum. I need more psycho killer clown porn in my life, and another meatnormous burger, too.
Class clowns: So I'm pretty obnoxious at ol' job #4; people have moved away from me because (they say that) I scare them with my sex and death tirades between calls (me?). As part of my...therapy (?), the other class clown in the room has been moved to sit next to me now; NEXT to me (and even when he's not next to me--he's near me). It's great; I've never been so amused. Oh, and we are both SO going to get fired from this job. Why would you put the 2 class clowns right next to each other; what exactly is management thinking?
Food: Dark Chocolate Hershey Kisses; they come in purple aluminum foil--dark chocolate for my girl, and purple wrappers for me. Yum. Try the jalapeno Pringles, too.
Guys; It's not that difficult to be the "perfect" guy for a girl--just pay attention to your lady. What's difficult in this troubled world here is to FIND a female WORTHY of your being the perfect guy FOR. To every guy out there who is not me, and does NOT have a waiting list: good luck. Ha.
"News" stuff this month or so: American soldiers, hated by everybody, are now in trouble for burning the corpses of dead people in...some insignificant country somewhere (it's not like I pay close attention to the fake news). If I could have spoken out on behalf of our military, I would've said "Yeah, those idiots burned them ALL. I distinctly said that I wanted mine done 'medium-well'. Next time I'll be doing the cooking myself. Thank you."

What's different here than in college town: There's this whole wrestling world in Portland--their own tv station and such. Some of the stunts they pull off regularly are incredible; the type that fascinated Andy Kaufman--very impressive stuff...Portland is going to try for a WiFi cloud, like the one in Athens...Music! Remember the Ventures? They did instrumental surf rock/beach boogie back in the 60's and 70's. One of their guitarists is Lane County's own Nokie Edwards (look for a Ventures version of "Jingle Bell Rock" on a new Christmas album). Night Ranger's drummer is also an Oregon native; "Don't Tell Me You Love Me".

What's different here than dumbass Arizona: Bi-Mart is a local business, and they sell lots of local stuff, and it's owned by their own employees. And they are a main tv sponsor of the local Ducks football games. I like this idea; Bi-Mart. More to follow...Market of Choice; another Oregon concept, organized to sell products from the Pacific Northwest. Cool.
Big O weather: Gorgeous, chilly, dark, foggy, often rainy. Yum. It may not be quite so romantic when it gets to freezing here; but I'm wearing t-shirts on these days in the mid-40's, limping around and loving it! Bring on the flannel, mutherfucker. Flannel sheets coming soon.

Life with Static Girl: Do you watch "House"? That raspy-voiced, gorgeous dark-haired ex of Dr. House is actress Sela Ward. My girlfriend looks and acts like a 25 yr. old Sela Ward--life is good...I don't date cheerleaders; I date soccer girls. Did you know that my Static Girl played soccer for half of one season back in her co-ed soccer stage?...She took me on a double date, with pinball--she is the best girlfriend ever. She's found some horses in big O! Yay; I am happy for her. She makes cereal and tea at a local business, and those products are sold here in town (Market of Choice)! Okay she "made" them. They fired her; hmmm, guess I'll have to go burn down their warehouse...I cooked a Tofurky feast for Thanksgiving, and SHE was all impressed that I went out of my way to do it. I tell her, and I'll tell you; hey, I'm just happy to see her eat.

My FCP has this for me: Describe my FCP? Long dark hair, with extremely subtle outer beauty/not striking in appearance--her magic radiates from the inside; a great present in a plain package. I can't compare her look to a movie star--let me work on that. The girl next door? Sure; you don't totally realize how great she is--until it's too late, and then you ask yourself, 'How did I miss that?' She's also a soccer girl; a barefoot soccer girl (the best kind). Poor thing; she makes guys go dumb: GGDD--"Guys Go Dumb Disease"; regular guys don't stand a chance--I like MY chances with her...(after accidentally ignoring her for 3 days) She said that I was a lousy stalker; so I wrote another poem (that day), and called her 3 times in one day (that day). I'm a FANTASTIC stalker, thank you (I just need to be reminded sometimes)--and THIS poem was completed while another poem sits on my desk waiting to be expanded. Then I completed the other poem, too. I'm on fire over here. What's next?

A thought to take with you:

would solve so many problems.

From my favorite episode of Tales From The Crypt; "What's Cooking?", Judd Nelson gets to say to Christopher Reeve (about Meatloaf) "It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and we're all just different flavors of Alpo."

The day before Thanksgiving, I hit the 121 foot Eagle putt on Golden Tee to beat the computer player. 3 guys were sitting next to me when I did it, and 1 of them asked me "Hey; aren't you the pinball guy, too?".


January 2006

RESOLVE THIS: In 2006, I will...

(1) Think about solutions, and

(2) Try to see the good in every event.

Reading: Like, books? Oh sure--that's me. I'm a reader. I cannot get through a 5-sentence paragraph without my mind wandering into sex, drugs, or both; but now I'm going to read a book. Sure. Monkeys may fly out of my ass, too. Ring jing jingle, and ring jing jingle. Send money. What? Maybe I'll read this book on meditation; re-read Shad's 'self-talk book', a sales book, or a book on how to make bombs.

Watching: Saw the White Stripes on the Daily Show--wow!
Watching and Hearing; ELO's "Living Thing" in a JC Penny commercial, Thin Lizzy in a Wrangler commercial (very cool, so I bought some Wrangler shoes), Office Depot's new theme is 'Taking Care of Business', with a worthless remake of a classic BTO tune (I WON'T be shopping there), 'Melting' Modern English in a Ritz Cracker commercial, EMF gets trashed in another commercial, and my panel of experts agrees with me that using Queen/David Bowie's "Under Pressure" in a diamond commercial is in very poor taste...too many commercials--I must be getting old. Stevie Wonder, and 2 AC/DC songs; tv commercials have no shame. Wait; my new favorite commercial of all time is for Nextel--with that song "Push It" (Salt + Peppa?) playing on a boombox, and those 2 guys trying to groove dance to it. This entertains me like the Snickers "panda" commercial from years ago.

Hearing: Haven't bought any new CD's lately--I'm still disappointed that it took me 6 months to review the new NIN, and the review itself is still weak. I'll be getting more CD's after the new year; Arcade Fire, New Pornographers, White Stripes. I'm going to get back into music that's just out of the mainstream--that seems to be my specialty. New Pornographers bought on 12-18-05 at CDWorld. Got the new Weezer + Depeche Mode, and the '97 "Spawn" soundtrack all for Christmas.
Digging in boxes at home; down to 8 crates of music makes it so much easier to navigate. Amidst my 5 Farm singles, I actually found a Farm full length! 1992's "Love See No Colour" has the "Rising Sun" album track, and their re-make of Human League's "Don't You Want Me". I have always liked The Farm; ordered another farm CD, "Spartacus", also on 12-18-05. Got it.
Spin Magazine wants to debate the best albums of the last 20 years; they put Radiohead's "My Computer" at #1. I do not. And if we're going to discuss the foundation for the word "Alternative"...the premier Alternative band of all time was the first incarnation of Pink Floyd--Syd Barrett's musical psychosis outlet from the 60's. Oh yeah; this is going to be a commentary.
Heard Steve Miller at the Dollar Store, Barry Manilow at Izzy's, Styx at my new gym, and Cheap Trick at the Mongollian Grill!
After the onslaught of audible and visual Meatloaf last month, my brilliant girlfriend has done some research on him; it turns out that Meatloaf himself is vegetarian. Now how cool is that?

What I want today: I had some stuff in here, but they were all really good business ideas. Every time I have ever trusted anyone in business--I have been screwed over.
New stuff this month or so: There're about 5 of us guys at job #4 who wear t-shirts to work everyday--while everybody else is bundled in sock hats, ski coats and snowboarding gloves. We're like the Polar Bear club ('naaa, it ain't cold out there'). Get it? So I was leaving work on Friday, 12-2-05; walking out into the parking lot, I began to be pelted by nickel-sized hail that felt like frozen salt rocks smacking me about the face and head. I stood there, for just a moment on that gloomy 35 degree afternoon, and realized that, perhaps, I should be wearing slightly more protection than just a 12 yr. old Buffalo Bills t-shirt...Then,a few days later, we had our first day of actual frost on the windshields; so, of course I wore my Mountain Dew t-shirt to work. But 2 of the other Polar Bears were the winners--wearing sleeve-less t-shirts, a la Larry the Cable Guy. Frost? It may be time to break out the flannel.
Do you watch tv? Do you have a tv ritual? Here's what I do; move furniture, and set up so that I can sit on my exercise ball while I watch last night's Daily Show and today's PTI. I floss my teeth, and continue to do different ball exercises; reading newspaper editorials and comics during boring parts. Throw to commercials, I STOP watching, then get up and do full stretches against the wall. I don't just "sit and watch tv". I will watch tv on MY terms, or I will not watch tv. Bite me.
So I was looking at the magazines section of the Supermarket; I think she's on a total of 3 magazine covers right now. Have you seen the December Maxim cover? That's not just any babe; that's MY Cindy Crawford up there--no longer a model, now married again, and a mom, and looking as good, or better, than she did 20 years ago. Cindy Crawford and me; still fine at 40. Okay; maybe not me so much, but she is HOT!
Izzy's (restaurant) beef rib plan didn't work out do well. Then I found out about their plans to try PORK ribs--on their buffet. I was there for the first night of them. Smokehoused for 10 hours, meat dripping off the bone, (I added dark b-b-q sauce and Tabasco); they were a top-3 rib feast of all time for me. I had 4 plates of ribs, and they'll be served next Tuesday as well. So much for my plans to NOT gain weight this holiday season. On Sunday night, Izzy's does Carolina-style pulled pork, which is also excellent.
I saw on the news; Bill Gates is going to invest $1.7 billion, and set up 30K new jobs...anywhere BUT America. Hmmm; the ONE guy who could set the example for how to take care of his American employees is going into outsource mode. How quaint.
New physical therapy; new exercises, and a new gym. Stay tuned.
I couldn't remember the name of the hangover prevention medicine; a 17 yr. old guy working at Safeway remeinded me that they are called "Chasers". Thanks, man; but how would a teenager know about Chasers?
Needed a new watch band; so now I have a glow-in-the-dark Timex Triathalon band for my Armitron watch head. I'm cool, and confused. Then the new watch band broke on the 1st morning of Christmas vacation.
This just in; the exercise balls that I love so much do NOT promote good posture; they tempt you to lean forward--good for watching playoff football--not so great for your spine. My head "juts" out, like a virgin guy on his first trip to the nudey bar. Jeez.
Cleaning out the closet: Well, cleaning out the sock drawer anyway. For Christmas this year, I am investing in a new sock wardrobe. It's time. And people without socks will be happy to get my older ones.
12-20-05; big day. Coffee-maker broke in the morning, boo. Did well at crazy job #4; 2 sales in 4 hours. Almost saw a fight, almost got in a fight--trying to follow up on my Chiropractor being fired the day before, saw 2 girls have breakdowns, Gus stopped blowing warm air, ate Cozmic Pizza, and my Farm CD came in--only 2 days after ordering it. Panic-packing for Christmas. Still sober at 10 pm; wow.
News from tv: Airlines are now outsourcing even their major mechanical work; some foreigners working on airplanes are not FAA approved--maybe they're even terrorists. Isn't that funny? More: High school kids are drinking, smoking, and fucking less--good. But 10% of high school seniors regularly smoke pot and/or take prescription drugs now--great! You used to complain about the 5% who smoked pot (!), and now twice as many are (smoking, and) hooked on painkillers! I fucking love this shit. Thanks Headline News!

What's different here than in college town: There's a Georgia-Pacific lumber yard out here; it's about to be sold and "remodeled", which means everybody will get fired. I've been "remodeled" before--at 3 or 4 different jobs. Maybe they'll get their lumber from China now...Lumber? Christmas trees sell for $5; you can't spend more than $20--even on a Douglas Fir; it's almost like they're grown up here...Nokie Edwards is the FORMER Ventures guitarist--from Lane County, Oregon. Kelly Keagy; he's the Night Ranger drummer from Veneta, Oregon...We are now using "Seventh Generation" soap and paper products--somebody has to start saving this stupid planet.

What's different here than dumbass Arizona: The same as Phoenix! We have exactly one Big 5 Sporting Goods here in town--I love that place...We have new neighbors in our apartments who are also from Phoenix. TPG called from Phoenix; it was fun to remember the good times with him.

Life with Static Girl: She started the month unemployed and gorgeous...Ask her about "reincarnation"...When I get pissy with her, then she goes away. When she gets pissy with me, then I go away; look at how well we get along...During this very unique writing season, I finally completed a nice 5 verse story-poem for her that goes right back to the early days of our relationship. I think it's an okay poem, and everybody else seems to love it. Yay...I demonstrated FOR her how difficult a phone call WITH her is; she was very amused--and understands more now...She's been watching "Third Watch" on tv; that's the decent show with the Crystal Method's "Keep Hope Alive" as its theme song...After her new computer died on 12-13-05, I declared 12-14-05 as "CheriDay"; I took her out for a romantic dinner, and offered to serve her any way possible--she deserves that and more...Then there was the shopping trip to the Christian bookstore, where Static Girl was a bit grumpy--lucky for all, I was there to save the day...We are color-coordinated; she gets green, and I get purple. When looking for "decorations", I try to get something purple; but if they don't have purple, then my fall-back plan is green (hence; my new green lava lamp)...We don't have a Coke/Pepsi dilemma here; she drinks Coke from a can, and I drink the family of Mountain Dew, Mug Root Beer, occaisional Pepsi and the rare Dr. Pepper 2-liters. So; I can drink straight from the 2-liter bottle, KNOWING that I'm the only person who touches them--and she does NOT have to count her Coke cans, because I don't touch them. We make pretty good room-mates, too...

My FCP has this for me: She got a new car! I'm so happy for her. I'll probably have to get another ride soon, too...She said to me "You're a lousy stalker, but I love you anyway." How cool is that? She WANTS me!...She says that she has her own ideas for a Rec Arena (and has had them for a long time); how cool is it that BEFORE we even knew each other we shared similar visions? That's not weird; that's "great minds think alike" awesome stuff right there.

A thought to take with you: "In our every deliberation, we must consider the impact of our decisions on the next seven generations."--From The Great Law Of The Iroquois Confederacy


February 2006

(...last month we were...)

Reading: "Meditation for Dummies"; this book was created with me in mind (and then Static Girl stole it from me), "What To Say When You Talk To Yourself" by Shad Helmstetter, and "The Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader" by the BRI. That makes me sound all busy; ha. I haven't read shit here in January. Shhh.

Watching: "How I Met Your Mother" is good entertainment for me and my Static Girlfriend on Monday. Watch House, tape Scrubs and the Shield; Tuesday night thunder. Then House went away, and American Midol came back--those morons. Playoff football; both of my teams made the "Elite 8", and then fell out. Between my girlfriend and my FCP, I'm (supposed) to have the first 2 seasons of Scrubs on DVD; cool.
Watching and Hearing: Marrs' "Pump Up The Volume" in a make-up commercial.

Hearing: One of my job #4 music guys made me promise to never buy another new music CD again. I reluctantly agreed; then on my next trip to CDWorld I found Rage's "Renegades" IN the used bin; $8--"I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more". Crumb was ON the trash rack for $3.
Did some digging; Crumb had a CD come out in 1998 on Red Ant Records, but I can't find a copy of it. Why do we care? From 1996, Fig Dish is now Caviar; 3 Penny Needle is now Dream Life Misery; Crumb is...missing in action.
Howard Stern started on Sirius radio on January 9th; he's taking a bunch of bitter old radio DJ's and giving them new life. I could call him. I almost care. Naaa.
Rearranged my music crates again; 7.5 boxes now. Been ripping through my old local/No Boundaries music. Did you know that Ben Folds' brother Chuck is the drummer for Carolina band Bus Stop? They're good; so are (daily) Hazel Virtue, Ugly, Engine, Hollow Creek, People Who Must, Joey Stuckey, Drip, 3 Richards, and more. Plans are in place for me to have a "Five Eight February" and a "Mishap March"; stay tuned.

What I want today: Dr.'s notes, and more prescription painkillers. Remember 1993? I do; 3 jobs, crappy cars, and watching 120 Minutes on MTV 3 nights a week. I didn't know how good I had it. Well, and then I got on the radio. I "wanted" to go back to 1993. Never mind.

New stuff this month or so: By the way; this website may have seemed relevant when I started it back in 1999, but it is no longer so. I will update, or not, on my own terms now. All of you can kiss my hairy white ass. The top of my website needs a new disclaimer. Done.
Dr. notes are nice, but the new doc (#3) is stingy with the meds.
2006; Had to buy a $10 watch at Sam's Mart on New Year's Day. Also had to buy batteries and groceries, but that's not why we went. We went there on NYD because the first thing I did NYD was (after fixing my coffee MAKER last week) break my glass coffee POT in the sink (my finger is still bleeding 2 days later); happy freakin' new year. I decided to not dwell on the negative; let's think about solutions instead, let's be thankful for the great life that my old coffee-maker had, and let's go shopping! And, as such, my main themes for the new year are to (1) Think about solutions, and (2) Try to see the good in every event. I'm also going to curse less (good luck), become more relaxed (meditation), and more religiously centered (on a path to become more harmonious with nature and the planet). To drink less soda, do more and better coffee, exercise regularly, get a new job with insurance, a newer car, and a newer plan--those are all good ideas as well. But we're just going to start small. If I eliminate the cussing, does the humor takes a hit? I don't want to become boring. Think about solutions, see the good, relax better, and get back in touch with God's office/this planet. We're off to an incredibly slow start here.
More about the weather; it rains alot here--maybe you've heard. Then I'm going to work on a random January morning (the 18th); so I stick my head out the door to see how cold it is. Hmmm. Not cold at all. So I go to work in a t-shirt. No big deal. It WARMS up a little, and at noon I'm riding by a bank with time and temperature: 44 degrees. No way. But it is. I am no longer sensitive to cold, apparently. Girlfriend has her winter coat on, and she agrees with the 44 degree premise. So why am I not shivering? Then my left arm will get cold, and my right arm goes numb. Is this normal, or is this from the last car wreck? I have many issues from this last car wreck. Speaking of cars...
New cars cost about $30K, and EVERY auto company is making an SUV now--even Porsche; so don't even TRY to tell me that any of those worthless "auto" suits are thinking about our environment OR our future. They are not.
From out of nowhere; my little bar in Springtuckey now has Sopranos pinball. I asked for it 2 weeks ago, and here it is. Very cool; hypnotic, and extremely engaging; it's already a top-10 favorite. My current high score is 411 million; nobody else has scored over 200 mil here.
Gus suffered a major injury on 1-16-06--all the oil dumped out of him at work; we're still waiting to see if it's terminal...Not terminal! He is fixed (new oil cooler gaskets) for under $100! Life is good...or good enough with the problems I already have. The day we quit physical therapy, Gus dumped the driver's side view mirror IN their parking lot. So I went to NAPA and ordered a new side mirror; $12. Also fixed the mount for ther rear view mirror; go me!
I do so well about buying fresh produce, but then you have to eat it quick! Carrots are yummy for me this month. Raw, cooked; whatever.
We need to do the big job search, if we're going to do one. It's hard to get motivated when you see Lou Dobbs freaking out live on CNN (1-26-05) about illegal immigrants, lying politicians, mass corruption, and corporations eliminating the middle class. So I've been going to most of my half days at work. We did pictures at ol' job #4, and badges will be coming soon. Great.
(A present from job #4) There was a 5-lb. ham in our freezer; it lasted almost a week when I finally tore into it (PLEASE don't tell my girlfriend).
January 25th, 2006: 3 oil patches on me. On the face, shoulder, and the back of my head. Welcome back to the 10th grade everybody!

What's different here than in college town: Didn't I move TO college town in 1985? We're looking at a 20 year anniversary in August. Did we outgrow college; and if so, when?

What's different here than dumbass Arizona: I miss Famous Sams, Fry's electronics, and having Lovejoy's bar-b-que across the street. Phoenix is back in serious drought mode; I giggle.

Life with Static Girl: We're going to get her a new back-up computer--this is MY Christmas idea (purchased 1-12-06), and she LOVES her new computer...We argue about the correct grammar; I say something gets spilled "in the floor". She says it gets spilled "on the floor". In/On....She's using some hemp lotion. How come I don't have any hemp lotion? At least I could appreciate it...I get a scanner? Her old one doesn't work with her new computer system. Okay...We had a quarrel! It was even on a Friday! She went to her room and shut the door, and we didn't talk for 16 hours. I have the best girlfriend ever!

My FCP has this for me: She says that I have much to look forward to as I become more tuned in; she even promises less back pain. (Okay; is that with better drugs?) She feels neglected when I don't try to talk to her everyday--that's sweet. And then she started ignoring me, too. So we're taking a break, a little "scheduled drift" here, and we'll catch back up in February.

A thought to take with you: "I am one with the universe, and it is one with me. I am of it, within it, and exist as a shining spark in a firmament of divine goodness." (Spiritual self-talk)

"I've got the understanding of a 4-year roam
I've got the peace of mind of a killer's soul
I've got the rationale of a New York cop
I've got the patience of a chopping block."
Filter/Crystal Method

"The best spices come in small bags."--Italian proverb

"My bar is closed for Easter, or I'd already be there. It's the thought that counts."--W. C. Davis


March 2006

(...last month we were...)

Reading: Newspaper want-ads; do you have any idea how bad it has gotten? The blind ads, messages with no company names, and phone numbers with no answers. Some help-wanted ads actually have WRONG phone numbers listed. Wow.

Watching: The Shield is great--completely unfucking realistic, but great. PTI is good--even on weak days. How I Met Your Mother is good.

Hearing: At the beginning of a CSI episode, I heard Crystal Method's "Starting Over" (1st song on their "Legion of Boom" CD); that was pretty cool. Crystal Method is everywhere--they're like a virus. Then I'm reading the credits on the new tv show "Bones", and Crystal Method does their theme, too (No wonder I like that guitar riff!). How much Crystal Method have you heard today? Do you know? On another CSI I heard some new Cure; I'll figure out wtf it was later.
Heard Kiss at Safeway early, then heard it again during the Superbowl, at the stadium in Detroit. And Bon Jovi. And Sinatra. Safeway? The Caviar website says that (Fig Dish reunited for a show, and) Caviar's "Clean Getaway" is in the new Safeway commercial. Okay; WHAT new Safeway commercial? Hello? Heard No Doubt, Lenny Kravitz, and great new Greenday at Taco Bell. At Wal-Mart, their shopping channel televisions blared a Frankensteinily spliced version of Modest Mouse's "Float On", selling milk or some shit; that was a mouthful of puke I didn't need. Heard Steppenwolf at the Dollar Store; wow. Heard Loverboy at job #4; it was a brief, fleeting, momentary loss of logic...or maybe it was somebody's cell phone...what kind of loser has Loverboy on their cell phone?
I've already HAD a Five Eight February (ordered, and got the newest 2004 Five Eight on 2-24-06). The 1997 Five Eight CD "Gasolina", the last one with Tigger drumming, is one of the greatest albums to ever come out of Athens, GA. I have been listening to Gasolina everyday now. Bite me. I hum "Stanley" at work; "Engine" is totally unforgettable; "Comet" will move you; "Shut Me Off"'s guitar work is hypnotic like David Gilmour; "Doubter" has Mike singing a line about 'playing pinball with a friend'. "Take Aim" will make you sing into your toothbrush. The newest Five Eight has the brilliant "I'm Still Around" single, "Magnetic Fields", "Square Peg", and a good hidden track--"Far From It". It's all fantastic, but you have to like Athens' music like I do. Check out

What I want today: Um; all the stuff I've asked for over the last 2 months would be nice--especially since I haven't done much to obtain any of it.

New stuff this month or so: 2-5-06; SuperBowl Sunday: My first energy drink, ever, was a new Mountain Dew MDX--very tasty.
2-12; nobody can be trusted to even do their own jobs anymore. People are fucking morons, and incompetence has run rampant; you will need to learn to fend for yourself.
Sent home from job #4 2 days in a row; I'm looking for a new fake job to bitch about now.
NEWS stuff this month or so: Willie Nelson has his own biodiesel fuel, BioWillie (aka "B20"), on sale at a filling station in San Diego; Willie Nelson is going to save the planet...Kids in high school have a new way of getting high--choking themselves. It's reported that over 100 American kids have died in the last year from 'intended choking'. I SO want to comment, but will not. Our government just gave $376 million to the big Mexican Drug Cartel; good for them, I guess...There was another governmental $400+ million survey to see if older women's snacking choices make much difference in their life expectancy. Brilliant; but not as brilliant as turning over the U.S. seaports to Arabs. Have fun watching the news.

What's different here than in college town: Frogs in February! While the east coast is under a foot of snow, these 40 degree nights in big O are accompanied by the noisy offerings of happy frogs looking for love. (For those of you who don't know, frogs rarely chant in below 40 degree temp.s). It's snowing in Athens; heck, it's snowing in Florida, but we wear t-shirts at sunrise in Eugene. That is, until 2-16-06, where it's supposed to get down under 20 tonight; woo. By the 20th, we had new record low temperatures; 'whee' I say. I'm still going to work in t-shirts (I've lost most of the feeling in my right arm anyway.).

What's different here than dumbass Arizona: This northwest community is more of a problem-solving neighborhood. We have free programs to teach lower income families better nutrition; this is a win-win-win proposition for lower costs, less obesity, and improved health. It should be a national thing, but it's just up here. TPG, regularly scheduled in Phoenix, slid back to Athens, and called me from the original Taco Stand (vicious, but good for him). TPG's Mom passed, but she had a great final week.

Life with Static Girl: Are you kidding me? How could I have forgotten the fortune I know in being the man of her choice? She is legendary from scalp to toes, and constantly bewilders me with her prowess in all applications. I cook for her, clean for her, and will worship each day with her as this holographic splendor that most mortals will never know. Did I mention that I like her? She won't let me play her new computer pinball game, and still hasn't given back the meditation book she stole. She loves that I enjoy cooking, because she hates it. I am the "practical solution" of her dreams. I need to get back up and running on the motivational treadmill; and, all double metaphors should be this easy. Be wary of "green-washing"; that's when companies try to make it LOOK like they care about the environment (my brilliant girlfriend turned me on to this crap).

My FCP has this for me: She never left me; I just got all pissy and disillusioned. She sends love and unnecessary apologies. Then she motivated me by telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself--it worked! She's on a big upswing right now, and good for her. She's my Christian Biker chick; don't laugh--she'll kick your ass, or, her new Christian Biker boyfriend will.

A thought to take with you:
Bumper sticker at job #4:
"Vegetarians Taste Better"

Bumper sticker at the Dollar Store:
"War sucks; why fight it?"

"A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to leave alone." Henry David Thoreau


April 2006

(...last month we were...)

Reading: Time travel websites on the internet (Wouldn't you also like to go back in time and cuss out some old girlfriends?). Don't laugh; we already know that time is "bendable". I should be skimming a "Dummies" book, a sales book, or something inspir-motivational. My 'meditation' book came back late in the month; cool.

Watching: MSNBC's Countdown with Keith Olbermann; he's having a bitch fight with Bill O'Reilly (Keith calls Bill "Ted Baxter"). Keith was the FIRST person I ever saw quote Bill Hicks (13 years ago on Sportscenter), and we all deserve to hear the news spouted by a pissy, sarcastic guy with a superiority complex. And since we CAN'T hear ME doing the news, Keith is a good alternative. And he said he loves "Family Guy"; how cool is that?
Double "Scrubs" Tuesdays are good. "The Shield" is done; "Rescue Me" comes back this Summer. Overnight re-runs of "Rescue Me" are excellent.
Sometimes I watch "Bones" with my girl; love that Crystal Method theme. She can also tolerate "House"; which is surprising, because I AM Dr. Gregory House. Sometimes I am Dr. Perry Cox from Scrubs, too.
On some Hollywood tv thing, they interviewed this lady Adrianne Frost, who has written a book about 'hating other people's children'. I'm not going to read the book, but I might write one of my own.
Movies; with my girlfriend, on the warped tour, we watched all of "Big", and most of "Ever After". Rented "Good Night and Good Luck" at the end of the month (everybody should watch at least 1 movie a month).

Hearing: Watching and hearing; World Wrestling promos use "Big Time" Peter Gabriel as background noise, and "Solsbury Hill" helps sell cell phones, new Indy Racing League promos use "Radar Love" (deepest sincere sympathies to Paul Dana's family), Mighty Mighty Bosstones back college basketball promos, there's Crystal Method's "Name of the Game" (yay) in the new H3 commercial (boo), Fat Boy Slim in a Nissan ad, and Foghat in a van commercial. Because of HOW they perverted EMF, I'll NEVER buy Kraft cheese again.
Mishap March? It's March 3rd here. I may listen to some Mishap, you know, my "Mishap March" and all, but I'm not putting away my "Five Eight February" CD's yet. From Gasolina, in fact, it should have been mentioned last month that I listen to "Shut Me Off" at least 2 times a day, everyday. March 26th; it remains all Five Eight, all month long. Maybe forever. Mishap disbanded anyway; it's not like "time" is a factor.
"Time"? On the local non-profit radio, I heard some of the new David Gilmour "On an Island". It was pretty good. This is only his 3rd solo album, and first one in 18 years--I'll get it.
New Korn also sounds good; too bad it's on corporate, fudge-packed radio.
Heard Chicago at the Dollar Store, Fleetwood Mac at Staples, Blink 182 and Sting at Taco Bell.
The Program Director for the local classic rock station KZEL finally snapped; he has locked himself in the studio, and is not coming out until it's all local, live programming. I almost care; except that the guy is as boring as white bread, and it's still corporate mud slide radio. No wonder I don't listen to it.

What I want today: new Korn and David Gilmour CD's! A new job at a better place. Have I ever said that I want a Playstation2 (?); GT3 and GT4 are out there waiting for me (from a tv commercial 3-12-06, GT4 is price-dropped down to $20). So is GT3, and a PS2 is at Sam's Mart for $150. My first $200 extra could be right there. (The Playstation3 keeps being delayed; I bet that it would drop a PS2 to $100)
(The answer is: "a new bible") I believe in God, and I believe that 21st Century faith is an individualized, earn as you learn, pay as you play, working vacation amongst the lessor of situational evils. Tests come everyday; some you see, and some you don't. I also initiate the idea that fables and metaphors from a book written well over 2000 years ago may not have the exact map necessary for navigation in this new millennium. CONCEPTUALLY close, perhaps, but I say the bible needs an upgrade. For example; a new bible, made from hemp; a well-linked and complete novel with all the pre-industrial "wonder" dissolved. It does NOT need to be a reality show with facial piercings and punk rock, but it should definitely evolve past World War 2. See? I CANNOT be the only person of this mindset.

New stuff this month or so: On purpose (what?), I ran out of Mountain Dew and Dew by-products. No root beer either. 3 times on the Mountain Dew (what?). I must occaisionally shock my body back into better health. Baby steps...Carl's Jr. has been, and now DQ is also starting to promote jalapeno burgers; I LOVE jalapeno burgers (jalapenos are healthy?)...My newest nacho method is to build them on Triscuit crackers and broil them for 5 minutes. Yum...Final throes of job #4; nobody can sit near me because I'm such a disruptive element of the soap opera; I've driven 3 people to new seats; and the latest vein of local bathtub meth has cut my team of 20 people down to about 7. Make that 6. One day it was just 2. I've got to get the heck out of there (heck?). I mean, I have always known people who snort meth; meth as a poor man's cocaine. Sure. But did you know there are morons (now) who regularly shoot up meth? Needle freaks. Meth! That's just sick.
On the day of being allowed to go back to work full time, 3-15-06, we will begin a new career at a fascinating place to be called "job #6". I don't want to go totally two-faced; but I'm going to need to be able to slide into a "work mode" without all the shock value and chaos of my regular self. If not, there's always Subway. Am I getting sick, too? Great.
3-27-06; getting over 10 days of sniffly, coughy sick to go into...full-blown ear infection mode. With my new left ear, the "water balloon" is primarily right-sided, but still a major bummer. Hearing loss always sucks. To the Doc on 3-29. My medicine causes diarrhea; so there's no longer a question of "if" I shit my pants. It's a daily thing now; how much? How many times? So I'm wearing dark pants...and I'm going to Taco Bell! If I'm shitting my pants anyway; there will be burritos, fire sauce, and Baja Blast Dew! Baby. Check the record; Taco Bell has a great music service, too.
Sopranos pinball; I did it! I finally finished "Boss" mode; I am the first to complete it. My 5 high scores only run from 330 to 438 million, but I finished the Boss--and will again. Also kicking that new Golden Tee Complete at my bar; all 29 courses. I used to love playing bar games with other people; now I play alone. Do you like symbolism? Yeah; that's some symbolism for you, right there, motherfucker. Then I come home and play online poker alone. Or go watch tv alone; play Gran Turismo alone, too. You don't see me attempting to cling to other humanoids and begging them to include me in their totally unnecessary existence, do ya? No you don't. I'm either way cool, or way pathetic; probably a little of both. Sure. Now go away.
E85? A new fuel made of 85% corn and 15% gasoline. For those of you not from the South, this liquid is called "Moonshine". Yes; you can (almost) drink it, run your tractor on it, and blow up shit with it. Legalize the stills, and grow hemp in between the corn stalks, you nazis!
News stuff this stupid month; I was going to talk about the 20-something ladies of the month. The 25 yr. old Barbie teacher who had sex with a teen student, but now WON'T be punished (naa, there's no double standard here). And the idiot cops who say they BELIEVE that 24 yr. old girl was held hostage in the guy's bedroom for 10 years. Hint: if she was allowed to go to the store whenever she wanted, by herself, and CAME BACK, then she was NOT a hostage; thank you. The cops back in Georgia (laughing at this crap story) would chain-gang both of these bitches.

What's different here than in college town: So I was reading the Flagpole online (, the letters, and it was revealed to me that perhaps I am a loud, extremist, beer-crazed, psycho cannibal. And thank you. But there are many like me--maybe that town does something to people. If you stay there too long, and then try to leave (hmmm), these sheep in other states may not like or appreciate your attitude...Fresh jalapenos and serrano peppers up here have no heat, boo, so now I am one of those people who buy cans of jalapenos--call me 'Mexican Mama'.

What's different here than dumbass Arizona: Oregon makes fun of Arizona daily. It's great; Static Girl is not the only person who was driven toward the trees by the sands of Phoenix...Wrestling! Actually it's "Portland Wrestling". These guys are good; very acrobatic--this is the type of bloody ballet that infatuated Andy Kaufman. I am shocked that NW kids aren't dying daily from trying to imitate this stuff--it's almost like they can distinguish between reality and entertainment (no way). You won't see local televised wrestling like this in Phoenix OR Athens...Good local coffee bar name: "Firmly Grounded"...Oregon has voted to eliminate junk food in public schools ...

Life with Static Girl: She is good, but she doesn't believe in God. She still says 'Bless you' every time I sneeze. After she sneezes I yell "Don't Die!"...She is mushrooms; I am carrots. I cook, and re-cook, and re-cook again; I'll add garlic 4 different times if I want to; garlic ghoulash...According to her, I am a chat room troll--I'm a 6 ft. troll, baby...She proved I will NOT be receiving 10 million English pounds from my dead, fake, "I'm the last in line", e-mail hoax guy in London (so much for saving the earth)...She's my lobster! It makes me want to sing. She's also my yummy, soft chocolate chip cookie that nobody else knows how good it is. I just savor it and make num-num noises...She maintains my computer, internet service, and this website; I am on a strictly "need to know" basis; and I don't need to know (diarrhea) anything about my computer. I turn it on, type stuff, hit "enter", and my work is done; if there's a problem--she fixes it. MY girlfriend!..I want to clone her, and pimp her embryos on E-Bay (that's as close to 'having a kid' as she's going to get). After all, she IS the most incredible woman ever...I made her sick (around 3-20) and she hates me...(I made her sick, and) She made cornbread! It's the best cornbread I've had since moving away from my Mom...End of the March; she has turned over the dirt in our garden--it's all ready to grow now.

My FCP has this for me: She's good, too. She does believe in God, and strongly...She mailed me stuff to the wrong address, but I still got it--because we're so cool...I had a dream where she and I were laughing and throwing frisbee in front of my Mom's old house in 'Lanta; cool...I don't have time to stalk her daily anymore; we're going to have to drop my status to "Weekend Stalker".

A thought to take with you:
Bumper Sticker: "I'd rather hunt with Dick Cheney than ride with Ted Kennedy."

Better bumper sticker: "God Bless The Freaks!"

On the final day of job #4, my Supervisor said that "Anybody who wants kids should go spend a Saturday afternoon at Chuck E. Cheese's. I'm glad they sell beer there, or I would not have made it."

"A government that can't maintain a distinction between terror and civil dissent is not a healthy or democratic government."--Greenpeace

Band names: Second Hand Smoke-rings, Corporate Coffee, Oil Addiction, Impossible Premise, (in 10 years) Children of the Korn, Filtered Bong Water (drink me), Hash Brownies (eat me), Paid In Full (pay me), George's Bush, May Cause Drowsiness.


May 2006

(...last month we were...)

Reading: Ain't read it yet, but I heard about this guy, Neale Donald Walsch (.com) who has written these books about "Conversations With God". We learned about this guy through an "Ode" magazine at job #7; a Godly magazine; I need stuff like this. I keep reading articles in this "Ode" thing--it's a good mag.
I keep getting Spin Magazines in the mail; maybe I got a free subscription when I foolishly signed up to do surveys online. I'd still rather work at home; my work-at-home company would be called "Some Assembly Required"; there also has to be a way to do real estate with no license.

Watching: Disclaimers before both "House" Tuesdays, and "Bones" Wednesdays; I tape "Scrubs" while WE watch "House" together (the 'dumb doctor show' is fine, but girlfriend doesn't care for the 'dumb hospital show'; I still tape my 'dumb sports show' PTI daily). I watched (and loved) my first episode of the new Dr. Who series on Sci-Fi...Overnight Rescue Me's keep me awake.
Comedy Central is doing lots of great things--like last month's new Ron White special. This month I was stunned to see an hour special on Jeff Dunham; he is the best, and has been, for at least 15 years...Also on Comedy Central; I don't watch Southpark like I used to, but Southpark, Family Guy and the Simpsons were all playing in the same sandbox for at least one episode, and good for them. Countdown is still my news show.
On Wednesdays, the local channel here does "Independent's Day", where they play an Indie film. Cool. And then more 'wrassling. Woo.
My FCP sent me the first season of Scrubs on DVD; so far I've watched half of them, and they are incredible. They are better now than even when they were new. Ha! MY FCP!
Back in the 80's , some tv show had a guy on a busy streetcorner trying to break into a car with a coat-hanger; the tv show wanted to see if anybody passing by would stop this criminal. Not exactly; 2 guys did stop and show the fake criminal the best way to use the coathanger, and they helped him break in to the car; ha...April, 2006; Some news show had a fake child-abduction (with the kid yelling) performed on a busy city streetcorner, trying to see how many strangers would get involved, and none did. People just walked by. I would have stopped and given the fake parent advice on how to shut the kid up. See; if the little girl herself is not being protected by parents, and if the people "witnessing" don't care either, then the only people who care about children are the child-molesters. So I say let the abductors have the kids. That was easy.
At the movies: Yes! I was able to finally get her out of the house; we went to the cool Bijou theater and saw "Thank You For Smoking". I loved it; I will own it, and I will heckle this movie like Rocky Horror. I laughed so hard that I cried, and then couldn't stop giggling for 10 minutes. I will pay to go see this in a theater again--that's how much I liked it.
Video Nation: Crash (good), Monster (good enough), King Kong (too long), Dahmer (not long enough), History of Violence (ehhh), Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (excellent), Hostel (disappointing). I rented that "Outfoxed", and the next day Fox news' Tony Snow was named the official White House press secretary--so I guess the 'documentary' is true (Where do I get my $4 back?)

Watching and Hearing: Sheryl Crow is selling Subaru's, Nextel Cup (Is that what they call Nascar now?), they have a great commercial where the Hollies bleed into Edgar Winter; Lenny Kravitz on NHL playoffs, and Queen on NBA playoffs.
Hearing: 2 months of Five Eight is...not enough!
You don't need me to tell you there's new Goo, new Tool and new Pearl Jam out there; it's like 1996 all over again (if only).
Heard some old school Bad Company at Wal-Mart--they're playing it for the 40+ guys like me, Joan Jett at Safeway, a Ventures collage at the Dollar Store, Elton John at the bank; Moody Blues at Albertson's, and ZZ Top at Safeway. As for this month at Taco Bell? Jack Johnson, Flaming Lips, Vertical Horizon.
After a tough day at job #7, I turned on the radio to hear Rage...and I immediately felt better. The next day; 3 Strange Days bled into Weezer's Hash Pipe--what's goin' on in that there studio?
Singing? I started singing Elton John's "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" in the shower. That song is not even in my top 10 favorite Elton John songs; so I found it odd.
I CAN volunteer at the local non-profit radio (I'm already signed up). They just want me to go to their website, become a "member" and pledge money--THEN I can DJ for them. Listen very closely; I will do it for free, but I am not going to pay for it. No way. At least not yet. And I appreciate this "test"; they are smart to OVERestimate my desire to yell into a microphone, but they are stupid to UNDERestimate my ingrained apathy.

What I want today: I want YOU to know that I am doing God's work. Everyday I feel lost and overwhelmed. I used to blame my mother for forcing me into existence--but breeding is just a thing that women do when they are not being kept busy enough. No, no; it was God's idea for me to be here--I am merely His employee. My boss has a plan; He must. Everything else sent to guide us has failed; here's to hope for an angry, vengeful God soon--famines, floods and fire. Let us pray...

New stuff this month or so: (last month) it wasn't job #6; it's actually job #7, and it's in jeopordy, too. I will end up at Subway--just wait. With an hour lunch, and an hour commute, I spend 10 hours a day at job #7. Who set up this world on the dumbass "work premise"? It's not THAT important to me, futhermucker. I'd rather stay home and live cheap. Or I could work at the Dollar store, or Taco Bell with their great music service.
4-11-06; my beautiful new career at job #7 took a major hit today when they fired me at 3:30 pm. Citing b.s. corporate statistics to back their already-made minds, I left without incident, and did not cuss, punch, or moon anybody. I didn't even go to the bar (yet). What's wrong with me?
I started making iced tea again; took some of Static Girl's stand-by bags, added some of my FCP's lemon grass green (loose), and with very little sugar it is the best tea ever. And it's all mine; Static Girl drinks no iced tea.
When I smoke, I smoke no-additive Natural American Spirit "Blues"'s ( The New Mexico-based company does much to care for the environment. For being on their mailing list, this year they sent me a shopping tote bag made from recycled soda bottles. No more "paper or plastic" b.s. on those short shopping trips now. I like the Santa Fe company.
Did the first ever "bag change" in both of our awesome new Oreck-cult vaccuum's. Yay us!
What is this; product placement? I don't get paid for this shit. Watch me twist one into 'saving the earth'. Dollar store hair care that makes sense: Both Alberto VO5, and Suave shampoos are efficient, economical hair products, made in America, and served up in recyclable containers. You could do worse.
Never mind that it's a corporate radio sell-out sponsored crap music festival 15 minutes away, but I will have another chance to go see Everclear in June.
Static Daddy came to visit for a day; we walked to church, and later drove to the coast to look at sea lions. It was a great day.
Don't take IQ tests online! I took one and scored above 130, and now they won't leave me alone. "WC, please let us evaluate your reserve of solution knowledge; it's free--we want to help you." Yeah; evaluate my hairy white ass.
Wish me luck; I'm on a quest for job #8 now. Thank you; I start job #8 on May 1st.
Details next month; hopefully with a review...of the new...Papa's Soul Food and Blues Joint! Moving to a bigger place, with live music, beer, and 50 tables indoors. Great for Papa Ted! We wish him the best!
"News Stuff this month or so" has been replaced by "Comments From The Peanut Gallery" below. Bite me.
My trials and trib.s as a critical believer in the concept of God: April showed me a grand scale problem of epic, EPIC, proportions in Christianity. Christianity apparently believes and states that God had only one son. Just to clear this up for the thumpers: God has many sons; God has at least one son on every planet with life. As for Earth; perhaps there was only one Godly son granted to us, but there are at least a handful of other planets with life. So Christianity is going to need to rethink that "one son" crap. The bible needs an update; mmmkay? Religions need an update, too. It ain't me pushing some poorly developed character story on children and those like-minded; God deserves better than a Centuries-old soap opera. In fact, I'm ready for some wrath. This whole 'behind the scenes God is watching you' lie doesn't scare anybody. For being all-powerful and such, God is far too tolerant; I could help Him with that.

What's different here than in college town: In college town I lived across the street from decent recycling bins, and I made a serious effort to help people do recycling; okay? Nobody recycles anything in dumbass Arizona; and that is why this comment is here. The "Green Guide" newsletter just declared that Eugene, OR is the "greenest" city in America...Also; here in big O, the public tv channel is NOT 8; it's 10. Everywhere else in the world, maybe, channel 8 is PBS...And there's this local weather guy here; he's the scariest looking beast I've ever seen on television; I'm not making this up--ask Static Girl, she's seen him, too. But when I look at his mug, as if my brain is running on auto-memory, I always say "Hey; ask for the wolfman!" (If you're not from Georgia, then you may not understand that one.)...FSN here covers Arena football (cool), and there's OLN with playoff hockey everyday (life is good).

What's different here than dumbass Arizona: Actually, this was something that Arizona was smart about: We're back to daylight savings stuff now. Here's what it means to me; I sleep till noon, and then Static Girl says 'Set the VCR clock ahead an hour.'. It's not noon, it's 1. Great...You know I love these Henry Weinhard's beers (Mt. Hood, OR) ; their "Summer Wheat Ale" just came out. This is beer flavored with orange, and it's excellent. Imagine "Mountain Dew Live Wire Beer", and you begin to grasp the concept...Enterprise Car Rental (good) in Portland has put 5 biodiesels in their line-up of cars--they want to see what the demand is like...I've seen red skies at night here, and have also seen hundreds of miles of fog appear from nowhere, and engulf...Different from Arizona; yeah, I have a real one. It rains everyday up here; it's raining now. People are actually familiar with "wet driving" in big O. They zip, whip, shimmy and slalom all over the place, but there are hardly any wrecks; I'm impressed...Burgerville USA is a 39 restarant chain in the Northwest that now sells all of its used frying oil to create biodiesel fuel. "Kettle" chips already have 3 biodiesel Volkswagon "Bio-bugs" used for company business here...

Life with Static Girl: Inspired a little by me; she's reading the "Forbidden Gospels"; stuff that was IN the bible, but was deleted by human priests; I already find THIS premise fascinating. More later...She said that Bush is a "stupid, sucky president"; hard to disagree with that...Trying to eliminate dairy is difficult, especially for chocolate lovers like Static Girl. She's searching for "low dairy" chocolate; I think a good brand name would be "Limited Cow". Drop the "r" in "brand", and 'Limited Cow' is also a workable "band" name, but now I'm just showing off...Tofu scrambles? Static Babe wanted to cook up some mushroom, oniony, mustard thing with turmeric; okay. Then I wound up being the one who cooked it--just to see her eat something with onions and mustard. It was excellent, thank you, and she cleaned her plate!..We have our ups and downs; but I'm still her biggest fan, and I try to appreciate her everyday...She wants to let everything live; I say that insects are NOT animals--I proclaim that insects within swatting range are targets; she does not agree...Ethnocentric, ecocentric, egocentric; she says that I believe humans are better than animals (maybe not better, but we are more dominant); we ARE better than insects, and insects are still not animals...Dove soap is good; Ivory is bad: P + G make evil Ivory (look what I learn from dating an animal lover)...4-26-06; we trek to PetSmart and to get gas for her; it's her 1ST fillup of 2006 (4 months per tankful is pretty good)...She said that our downtown is beautiful--too bad I can't get her to go out into it more than 2 or 3 times a year; she just wants to come home and hide from the world--my perfect girlfriend...She left me a note! It said 'Please don't leave your dumb slippers in a high traffic area' (it's so obvious that she wants me)...We're (taking our Santa Fe shopping tote, and) going to get veggies at the Saturday Market together.

My FCP has this for me: I miss having her in my life everyday; oh well...She moved to Tennessee at some point here; she up and quit her cool job, and ran off with some biker dude. So she's a Christian Biker Chick? (now there's a band name) She's a rebel; I taught her well. Got her new cell #, and left a message; I am current. I play Orbit's "Bicycle Song" for her, and smile.

Comments from the Peanut Gallery: "Smart women don't have abortion issues." With all of the birth control available, at least HERE in America, why is "abortion" still an issue? I mean; years ago there was a pill that women could take; UP TO 72 hours after conception that would eliminate pregnancy--science probably has extended that to a whole week by now. How freaking dumb does a girl have to be? Oops; was that sexist? Good. (Bring on the fat girl e-mails!)...All those adjustable rate mortgages sold back in 2003 are about to jump from the thrifty 4.5% up to 7.5 or more; $300 more monthly out of pocket. Ha; I giggle...And then there's the $8 trillion national debt; wow. No. $9 trillion? WTF do politicians DO to go 9 trillion in the hole; is that a fair question? Fun with Asians: Last year, our trade deficit with China, JUST China, was almost $200 billion (of the total $723.6 billion 2005 trade def). Japan, the silly cell phone freaks, are putting tiny tv screens in/on their phones now; so millions more people can scoot around with not just ear-buds, but also staring at small screens. Have fun...The scholars are finally getting around to agreeing with me again: this time it's about population control. They said that women need to quit breeding, too (so it's not just me)...More local news; (double-standard?): a female schoolteacher in Beaverton who had sex with a 14 yr. old male student twice will not be getting any jail time, AND some young mother in Oregon who was allowed to breed decided to choke and kill her 17-month yr. old baby--but she won't be doing any jail time either. So; if I dropped a load in some 8th grade girl, or choked to death some crying baby, don't you think I would see jail time? Just asking...People are finally starting to freak out about gas prices and the trade deficit; the U. S. trade def will be over $1 Billion this year, the U. S, has borrowed over $3 Trillion since 1999; who (the muck) is still loaning us money? China? I'm going to say that's probably not a good idea...The Oregon State Liquor Commissioner was arrested for DUI, and good for her.

A thought to take with you: The part of my brain that has 2-person conversations/arguments did this little dance: #1; "So; do the bubbles in the lava lamp have souls?" #2; "Yes. We are all just little bubbles in God's big lava lamp." W. C. Davis; 4-6-06.

"Wholly to be a fool while Spring is in the world, my blood approves..."--E. E. Cummings

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not."--Thomas Jefferson

Real Oregon band names: "Al's Cheap Meatloaf", and "Conjugal Visitors"

Band names from my brain: "Size 11 Slippers", or just "Slippers"; "Hissing Radiator", "Sex on the Stairs".

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