Sidebars 65 - 69


September 2004

Reading: Apparently not much other than the newspaper.

Watching: X-Games 10, Blue Collar tv, pre-season football (thank goodness), some Olympics, and Rescue Me. Girlfriend has been watching "Judging Amy"; that's a decent show. Scrubs premier!
Watched a neat Nova show about trying to make a safer cigarette; good luck.
Movies; watched "Star Trek Insurrection" on the warped tour with my girl; and have seen a few others thanks to a few days between jobs.
Saw the band Story of the Year on MTV, on some kind of Hard Rock show--with a concert and interviews; a GREAT idea--too late.
On VH1 I saw "When KISS Ruled the World"--now that was a show.

Hearing: At Subway, with Static Girl, I heard America's "Oz Never Did Give Nothing to the Tin Man", which is a pretty obscure tune. Then a few days later I heard it again at Carl's Jr.
Still mostly in DJ-hush mode, my Edge Alternative station is playing all kinds of cool and obscure shit. Driving to a job fair I heard "M + M's" by Blink 182. It's too bad that I don't want to go live out of a radio station anymore. There's a couple of good radio singles right now "We Are One"?, but I never get the names right; bands either. Radio is a car wreck to me now; I'll look at it, and judge it, but I'm not involved.
Heard Stevie Wonder at Safeway, which I thought was really cool...then I heard Ramones at the Fry's grocery--on the same day--so Fry's definitely wins that one.
During the Olympics, they were doing a cutaway story about some particular American athlete, a track star, and the background music started off--it was about 5 seconds of that great Everclear instrumental "El Distorto de Melodica", and then the music changed to something else. But NBC will probably get away with this obvious legal infraction because of all the internal drama going on with Everclear right now. But if I were Art Alexakis, I'd be getting some bank from NBC.
In my room; 3rd Eye Blind, Androids, the old Crumb CD, the Cure's Bloodflowers, Dinosaur Jr., Stir, the old 3 Penny Needle CD, all my Caviar--but no new Caviar; I don't buy CD's that have been promised to me as gifts; what do you think of that you worthless Aezra dipshit lying ass whore bitch? You're ugly, too...I'm not really mad at E-Rock; he's an okay guy. But fuck him--he has more money than sense, and promised me a CD.

What I want today: A new job. Wait a second; I got hired on the spot at a job fair. I'd also like to be able to have reception of this new All Comedy Radio Network, and some new Mountain Dew would be nice.

New stuff this month or so: Guinea pig Tessera passed away; I went out drinking that night and really pissed off my woman--she wouldn't talk to me for like, 4 days.
I got to meet 3-time Golden Tee champ Steve Sobe at my Famous Sam's; he taught me a few tricks. He said he'd never seen anybody more accurate than I am at the one-handed play. That's cool.
"Pitch Black" Mountain Dew. It's purple Dew with black grape in it. I'll rate it's taste in about an hour. It's good, but it is different. It bubbles like regular soda, and it tastes "heavier" than Dew, Code Red, or Live Wire. It's purple soda with cobalt blue bubbles--there are definitely some chemicals in this shit.
While writing to my (Code Red + jump-roping hottie) FCP, I got some heavy scatterbrain; yay! My brain can still slip into writing season mode. I am happy. And then I went to the bar? Wait; even I know better than that. Maybe; NOT! Shit.
I'm also trying to floss (thanks Dad) and eat a banana (thanks Mom) everyday now. And vitamins. Got my own 65 cm green ball to exercise with at home, too.
Did you notice that I changed my website a little? I highly recommend it to everybody; if your work is making you crazy, take some fucking time off. You deserve a break. Sleep in, watch some movies, lounge around in your underwear, and laugh about the decline of civilization. Stress is for parents and criminals; I don't fucking need it. Hey--that's pretty good.

What's different here than in college town: I love all these chinese buffets, but I'm missing some good chicken wings. Then I went to Rays; yum. Damn I'm hungry.
Phoenix is a test-market; we get to try Advance cigarettes and Pitch Black Mountain Dew first. That's nice.

Life with Static Girl: I need to do better for her. We learned that when she expresses disappointment with me that it can really crush my spirit. And then me and my crushed spirit went and got a new job. She is the hardest to impress, and most infuriating girl I have ever dated; she drives me absolutely nuts.
She says that I make 'going to the bar' far too important. At first I disagreed with her...and now I see how I celebrated my first taste of scatterbrain this Summer. Did I mention that she's hard to impress, infuriating, and drives me crazy?

A thought to take with you: Do you have any idea how screwed up it all is?

A female comic on tv said 'I talk to my mom everyday. I do so because from listening to her talk I can tell how completely detached she is from sanity, and it makes me appreciate that I still have some of mine left.' I can relate; can you?


October 2004

Reading: 3 Simple Steps to Flatten Your Belly; there is every reason to get into the best shape of my life now. The newspaper. I'm almost done with the FredonEverything website; he's cool. Fred answered my e-mail, too; he says I can link away to his site. Did I mention he's cool?

Watching: Daily Show on Comedy Central, PTI, 2 and a half Men, Scrubs, Rescue Me, and football. I watched Judging Amy (until it got taken off in mid-September--for more Law and Order) and Angel (Angel's still on) with my girlfriend sometimes; Animal Planet during the commercials. There is some decent tv out there; not much, but some. Well, football makes it all better.
ESPN turned 25, and for the best game of the past 25 years they picked the 1980 U. S. Olympic hockey win. I couldn't agree more. I remember sitting in my Mom's old living room and holding a black + white 9 inch tv on my lap to watch that entire game, alone. It's funny how things that nobody seems to care about when they happen can be looked back on as the most important thing ever. Hell I was only 15 and even I knew how important it was.
I like to note when 2 songs are playing on different radio stations at the same time; here's a new one. Do you know the song "She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5? It's a barely listenable Dave Matthews/Coldplay cookie cut cloner, but I'm not here to judge the song. The point is that it ("it" refers to the song's visual--which is one of the lamest videos ever) was on both VH1 and MTV2 at the same time. It's the first time I've seen the same video on 2 channels.
Sold out, or just successful? On previews for Smallville I heard music by Arizona's own The Format. Alternative band (and hockey fans) 5 For Fighting were playing on Monday Night Football. And the new Victoria's Secret tv campaign has Rolling Stones music. What is this shit?

Hearing: In my room; loving the pre-release of the new Caviar disc from Summer 2003--I wonder what the real release sounds like. No I don't; screw the real release. I will go buy the new Caviar release at Zia Records while I am wearing the new Caviar t-shirt that E-Rock has yet to give me. Caviar was also on some Fox tv show; North Shore or something like that. Cancel that; I went and bought the new Caviar--and am working on a review.
The band formerly known as "3 Penny Needle" is now called "Dream Life Misery". Their new CD can be found at I'm doing a little research on this right now. Look for a link, near a review, toward the end of the musical section. Paul, in the band, and I are trading e-mails, ha!
At the 99cent store I heard Republica's "Ready To Go"; very nice.
On the radio; is that Korn doing Cameo's "Word Up"? Oh that's just scary.
Helmet is back after 7 years off with their new CD "Size Matters". Yes is doing a 35th Anniversary tour, with Dream; possibly a new studio Yes album in early 2005. And not to be outdone by Yes, the band that trades the most players with them, Asia, has a new CD out "Silent Nation". That's TPG's territory right there. Speaking of...

What I want today: Less weight, more money, better control of finances. Might be nice to get TPG back in the loop.

New stuff this month or so: This north, central area of Phoenix--where we live, is called "Moon Valley". Is that great, or what? It makes me a...'mooner'? Yeah; if the shoe fits.
Did the thrifty mode for most of September; no money. Party at ACE's house; a 51 inch tv with Sunday NFL Ticket. And I can't wait for hockey season; what do you mean there's no hockey season?
Finally took my girlfriend on a walk through of the 99cent store; she could almost see how cool it was. I am definitely a shopper; she is definitely not.
It ain't the same, but it's close: The "Sprouts" produce stands out here have all organic produce, kind of like Crooked Sky, and a new one opened not too far away. We'll go check it out soon enough.
By the way, Oprah didn't give away ANY cars. Pontiac "donated" $7 million worth of cars for some (smart) "free" advertising; you people need to wake up. The average amount of taxes still due is $7,000 per car--and all of these people were already suffering financially. Ha; I giggle.

What's different here than in college town: Arizona has the highest rate of car repossessions in the country. Yeah--that's great, dude. Where's the beer?

Life with Static Girl: I'm trying to focus more on how she can motivate me, rather than pick apart her individual words + actions. She makes some damn fine bread, too. She almost left me 2wice in September; it was an exciting month! There's comedy in this house; she says 'we need to go do more stuff', so I suggest all these organic, vegan, healthy, tree-hugging activities, and she makes that lemonade face and says 'naaa'. I'm trying; okay?

A thought to take with you: (from Dave Barry's column:) "...It was a difficult time for me, but one day my mom, bless her heart, had a talk with me. She told me that girls were not interested in looks--that the qualities that really mattered were brains and a sense of humor. That little talk was long ago, but it taught me an invaluable life lesson I have never forgotten: Moms lie when they have to. The truth is that--and I speak here as a trained humor professional--women are definitely more interested in muscles than a sense of humor. You will never hear a woman say: 'I wish Brad Pitt would put his shirt back on and tell some jokes.'"


November 2004

Reading: Newspaper; and it's building up as 2 stacks IN the floor. IN it. IN the freakin' floor. I say "IN" the floor. Static Girl says "ON" the floor, and she's just loopy. We actually argue about shit like this. Pity us. Where's the paper? IN the floor.

Watching: Standards; PTI, Scrubs, Rescue Me, and football. Then there's Unexplained Mysteries tv on WGN out of Chicago; 1 of the producers is "Fonzie" (Henry Winkler). It has lots of all the best conspiracy stuff, but done this year; 2004. I learned of the crop circle "balls of light" earlier this year on a show like this (if this wasn't the actual show I saw it on). On October 10th I learned about the "ice circles"; they are similar to crop circles, except that these (hundreds of) ice circles exist on ice that is far too thin to support more than 30 or 40 pounds (or even less)--which cancels out the hoax factor. This is proof of levitational interference; this is SOME SORT of in/tangible communication. Does this interest anyone? Apparently not. Google "ice circles" and go take a look-see. I did.
Saw the very first "Angel" as the re-runs start over on TNT. He likes to sit alone in the dark; did you know that? Always thought I was a zombie; turns out I'm actually a vampire.
Movies: Watched most of Apollo 13 on the warped tour with my girlfriend. Lots of the stuff they say is in the pinball machine.
From the Flagpole online I learned that Bill Hicks has a new DVD out with 3 of his best performances ever. I will own that soon.

Hearing: I read that Duran Duran has come out with their first studio album in 21 years, but I know for fact that it's only been 20 years since I saw them at...never mind. Then I read that REM is back with a new CD, too. I AM a victim of 80's radio, yes, but all of this dinosaur shit is really starting to piss me off. Okay. I feel better. Stipe wants us to vote now; isn't that cute? I vote that we give up on 80's bands.
At McDonalds I heard 10,000 Maniacs "These are the Days". And at Safeway, I heard "Big Time"; that's the 3rd different Peter Gabriel song.
You could say that I'm obsessed with Caviar and Crystal Method. I just sit in my room and listen to them. I don't need the radio anymore. I'm officially admitting to doing "morning drive prayers" on the way to work; they help alot more than radio does. Stupid fucking radio.

What I want today: All I ever wanted was a few weeks/months in a science lab, and a few "builders" to help with some of my props. That's it. I wanted to PROVE the powers-that-be WRONG, and then go away. Like Edison did, I could have solved any problem I wanted to, and then I'd be DONE. Leave me alone. But YOU didn't let that happen, so now I may have to dispose of something. Let's write a book called (wow, now that was a bad idea)...never fucking mind. Make it pretty. When did I start deleting my own shit? Hello?

New stuff this month or so: Are we still fucking here? Dude, I've been getting these really weird signals that it really is just about all over.
Static Girl says that I am obsessed with Crystal Method; every time I hear some almost industrial music I say shit like 'that's almost Crystal Method right there'. I don't know if it's an obsession though. It's not like pinball. Crystal Method should have a pinball machine--I'm just dreaming now. Caviar should have a pinball machine, too. Both bands should do music for pinball machines. Hmmm.
The last "Cigarettes Cheaper" store in Arizona just closed, but the cool owner guy is keeping it and has now named it "Smoke 'm". And he's keeping the good no-additives brands. You gotta love that.
In one calender year the price of a barrel of oil has gone from $30 to $55. This is your government at work.
Just a reminder; the popular vote does not elect the President. I honestly do not know why you sheep are getting all worked up here.
Gran Turismo 4 is out now? Wow. I still don't have 3. Okay.
I guess it happens to all of us; starting to wonder why I even bother with this bullshit webpage. As if it matters. Maybe if I quit this shit I could get some paper and write something--I'm just dreaming now. But then I did get a couple of e-mails from strangers telling me how cool I am again. Apparently if you yahoo search "stupid women" it will eventually take you to my commentary about stupid women/married men. Why would a semi-intelligent person yahoo search the words "stupid women"? Oh never mind.

What's different here than in college town: From Athens, I also miss Sonny's Real Pit Bar-B-Que, too. All you can eat. Ribs, and then wings for dessert. Damn I'm hungry. I'm just making shit up now, but how about some spicey-hot-honey wings? Yum until you erp...There it is, too. I bet THAT'S the one somebody will steal from me. Oh never mind.

Life with Static Girl: IN the floor, okay? I puked IN the floor, and then I puked ON the...wait; no, what were we talking about?
She's being hard to get along with. It's probably my fault. Elephino.
I think she practices looking like she's bored. Seriously--she's the hardest person to impress in the world. She'd probably roll her eyes at the aliens.

A thought to take with you: "Opportunities are often missed because we are broadcasting when we should be receiving."--Shelley Pereboom (Do ya think ol' Shelley was talking about me?)

Bumper sticker at work: "Let's defeat Bush again." It's brilliant because it is so vague. The antithesis, if you're also thinking ahead, would be "Hey, let's NOT defeat Bush again." I'm so political.

"My life has been a nightmare
My soul is fractured to the bone
So if I must be lonely
I think I'd rather be alone."
from Stabbing Westward's "Save Yourself"


December 2004

Reading: I will get back into reading; that's a promise. My FCP sent me a magazine that I will mention again in this Sidebar; the mag is called New Scientist.
The new business I'm in should have their own sales book picks. Perhaps; until I have more money than time to spend it, perhaps my life should center around sales books. Hey, it's just an idea.

Watching: Football! Scrubs rules, PTI, 2 + a half men; also, I wouldn't be caught dead watching it, but "Dallas" is having a reunion. Why? Next up is a new Gilligan's Island, Partridge Family, and a new Brady Bunch (hopefully with some incest). Tv is going to have to specialize; you heard it here first.
See me; hear me: 2 American figure skaters, Gregory and Petukhov (nice American name), do a long skate with Pink Floyd's "Shine on..." and "Money" both. I actually watched them and didn't giggle; think they finished in 2nd place.

Hearing: Early notes on "Hearing"; Before we get into minimal musical quirks and reminder-songs, let me point out that there are apparently no rules in the musical world. Every wannabe out there is doing new recordings of any song they choose (Gwen Stefani--good, Sheryl Crow--not so much), and most of the new ones are jokes--I can't believe some of the shit they get away with. Many elements add to the current state of musical affairs--you are definitely on your own. Rather than "get over" my current and constant steering toward Caviar and Crystal Method--I'm actually looking for ways to reinforce and justify it; pretty cool, huh?...But here are some of the refreshing musical moments that have reminded me of better places and times:
More Natalie Merchant, this time at Safeway; who knew she sounded so polished in this world of cracking voices? Static Girl would be a huge Natalie Merchant fan--I need to work on luck, can't find any. Don't I have that "Candy" maxi-single somefuckingwhere?
Been watching/listening to DVD's/tapes about this new business I have gotten into; everything seems straight up for now. Really good, actually.
The music service at work is above average 80's and 90's stuff; more Natalie Merchant, "Let my Love Open the Door" (also in--count 'em, 3 tv commercials right now) by Pete Townsend, "Cheap Sunglasses" by ZZ Top, Frida + Phil Collins. Would they play my Crystal Method disc?
In my room, I've narrowed down my 3 favorite Caviar songs; 4, 10, and 15. And 6 ("DL" is like "Eyesore" from the 1995 Toaster), 3, and 14. And 2; don't forget 2. AS IF I only had 3 favorites. Those are the ones I will play when the CD goes IN the jukebox at my bar.
I don't even play the radio while driving anymore. Boy, how times change. Continuing; Howard Stern is smartly leaving regular radio, so there will be a few openings for some radio people. Make me an offer, if you want to, you panty-bunched bitches, but I'm not calling you. Good luck.

What I want today: I'd kinda like to see my Mom; haven't seen her since late 1998.

New stuff this month or so: Mom is coming for Christmas! This is exciting stuff here. Woo.
I read in a New Scientist mag that many human bones are constantly dug up--all over the world, and found with human teeth-naws on their bones. In some cultures this is called "cannabalism", and I think we should do more research on it. We could put an end to misbehaving children, and eliminate the need for old-folks homes. I should be the fucking president.
Somebody wrote a letter to the AZ Republic asking why our golf courses aren't brown if we're in a drought; I wonder if he read that here.
Cooler weather here--it calls for sweat pants. Last winter I was bigger (?), and my nice sweat pants are all stretched out. This is like one of those weight-watchers things--with the baggy pants, but I LIKED those one-of-a-kind sweats. I should have seen this coming since I workout now in sweats that were tight last Winter. And they keep giving us t-shirts at work. It's nice, but I'm going to have to ditch some of my old radio t-shirts now. That hurts.
It happened up at the bar; on November 17th, E-Rock showed me that the new Caviar disc is on the jukebox! I like that. There're almost daily updates on that damn Caviar review now.

On November 30th, got my first paycheck with a monthly bonus; that's good stuff. I like the new job.

What's different here than in college town: An 18-pack of Bud is 11.99 at my neighborhood Circle K. That's a good price; stock up. Right, and who exactly am I talking to?
I have forgotten all that's been listed here, so this may have a repeat or 2 in it: Phoenix is the #1 city of identity-theft in America (new business). Phoenix is the #1 city of car repo's in America. Phoenix is the #1 city of auto thefts in America. Scratch that; Phoenix just dropped to the #2 city of auto thefts this year (Modesto, CA beat us). The most popular car to steal in Phoenix is the Nissan Sentra; now there's a selling point.
In 15 years of Athens, I think I worked out 2wice. I do it a little more here. Breathe when you exercise, dumbass.
This just in: Phoenix boasts 95% seat belt use, which is the highest in the nation. Static Girl and I use our belts all the time, but we can tell you first-hand that the most of these mobile manslaughterers out here are not wearing their seat belts, mmmkay?

Life with Static Girl: Going down staircases; when we can hold hands, I go down the steps first--holding her hand up over my head (awww). When we cannot hold hands--I always kiss her before we descend, then I go (quickly) down the steps first, then turn around and wait for her patiently, then kiss her (from the ground) while she's on the last step. I would think that ANY guy who has a crush on his girlfriend would do this (and more), but apparently I'm alone here.
I like it when she tells me to get out of her room. Want to know why? Because it means she's still speaking to me. Oh; and maybe she'll wear some of the old radio shirts that I've been giving her. She is! Chris Hicks and Espresso Love Seizure.
Have you seen all of this cool art-by-the-inch stuff she's been doing this month? It's so cool; she does art everyday! Somebody should force me to write everyday. Hey that might work...

A thought to take with you: Band names! San Diego's death metal band "Cattle Decapitation" won a Southwestern award for best band name (no shit). They have an album named "Humanure", and boast songs like "The Regurgitation of Corpses". How cool is that?

Just a reminder of a fine quote: "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." Ha; that's the current President Bush. 4 more years, baby! All these people swear that they're moving to Canada. I'd go, but I don't think Static Girl will. I'd also go to Mexico and hang out with Fred, but she already shot that idea down.

"God lives a little vicarious play time through me; that's my story."
"Sometimes I question my purpose in life; but not while playing pinball."--W. C. Davis


January 2005


Reading: Less and less. Where are some new sales books? Hello?

Watching: I saw a thing on the news about preparing for a dirty bomb; now THAT was scary. Also; (from CNN) airplanes are being taken down with lasers? Terrorists are resourceful; give 'em credit.
Add hilarious reruns of Will and Grace to the shows that I get to watch with Static Girl on the warped tour.

Hearing: Amidst the (old Fig Dish and new) Caviar and Crystal Method, I do slide over into (new) Dream Life Misery and the old 3 Penny Needle. 3 Penny Needle's "Brand New Worries" CD (1996) is STILL, STILL, FUCKING STILL one of the greatest streamlined rock + roll achievements, EVER (#10 of the 50 CD's I'd take to the next world with me), and the new Dream Life Misery CD "Closest Line Theory" is an excellent companion/continuation (tracks 2, 7, 9 and 11 are all you need, and more than you deserve). Hearing Caviar in the bar is like being a DJ there. I may have to redo that list of 50 CD's soon, so we can add these 2.
New shower music: We did Crystal Method's first ever song "Now is the Time" (1994) for most of 2004, thank you. Turns out that Static Girl didn't really care for it, and I didn't know. In December I changed back to Stabbing Westward's "Save Yourself", and she really likes that. Hey; I can't even save myself.
Out there with ears on: "Aqualung" at the dentist's office, "Swingtown" at Big Lots, "Child in Time" at the bar (Best of Deep Purple on the jukebox). Taking girlfriend to the airport we heard "Zombie" by the Cranberries. Notice how I hardly mention the radio; fuck corporate radio.

What I want today: Want? "Want" is so whiney and unsatisfied, and I strive to be neither of those things. Here's what I'm going to do/already doing; I'm going to apply myself to people and actions that make me better. Things like: sales books, music, exercise/stress release, humans I can learn/grow from, and activities that produce. Alignments are a personal statement; what do yours say? Imagine if I could master the art of productive partying, and only partying productively. Yes, it IS doubtful; that's why I said to "imagine".

New stuff this month or so: Did I survive my Mom visit? Am I still speaking to STT? How is all the closet-cleaning going?
In the newspaper, more big companies are bragging about shipping jobs off to Mexico and China everyday. Bragging about it; boosting their bottom lines by screwing some blue collars. And we put up with it; sheesh.
Been working out; my arms and legs hurt--my stomach and lower back feel great. I like it.
Don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but my FCP has sent me so many cool little toys and gadgets. Most of them have been sitting around here unused. So I took all of them to work; figuring they could help my team out with the few free seconds in between calls. It turns out that, once again, I'm not only a genius, but a great stress-relieving coworker. I get the credit, of course, but we all know who sent me the cool toys.
November, December, and now became Winter in here somewhere, and this is the first year ever that I had no sickness resulting from my ears. Big thanks to Dr. D and his crew for my new ear!

What's different here than in college town: There's a note; there are several copies of this note (and 1 really bad original somewhere) all over my bar--one is on the entrance. This is MY bar; with Caviar on the jukebox--this is where I hang--these are my peeps. Look at this shit:
"We do no except $100 bills any longer. Sorry for the inconvenience." Can you believe this person...actually spelled the big word correctly? How am I supposed to respond to this? I may have to "borrow" a copy of this note and scan it on my girlfriend's computer--I know you don't believe me. I'd send a copy of this down to Fred in Mexico, but he'd probably just put a bullet in his own head. 3 days later the note on the entrance was changed to slightly better spelling and grammar, but the others inside the establishment still say "except". Jeez.
Hang on; I have one real, live factoid for you: Arizona has a higher percentage of children living in foster-care group homes than any other state in the country. (Comment! Comment! I'd like to make a comment here: "foster-care group homes" are full of young criminals and drug addicts--that's how you wind up in one! So; Arizona has more screwed up young people than any other state. Get me the fuck outta here.)

Life with Static Girl: She maintains my computer, she eats my cooking, and still claims to like me. Really; I just checked (12-11-04), and she still likes me. I'm the only guy I know who doesn't have some stupidity/horror/tolerance story about his woman. The very few TINY things I might change here are so insignificant. To ALL guys; let's compare my girlfriend to yours, okay? Boy--that shut you up quick, didn't it?

A (few) thought(s) to take with you:
"Roses are red; violets are gray
Next time I see you, I'll use pepper spray."
--Grimmy's Christmas card from the postman.

Bumper sticker--female driver: "Who would Jesus bomb?"

It would seem that every business venture wants its people to stop dressing down; you know, "dress to impress". I understand this concept, but most people don't have 6 milkcrates full of t-shirts like I do. However, in my new business, this trainer lady--usually a little stuffy and factual--cut loose the dressing quote of my lifetime; it got her a SURPRISE round of applause from us--we were all FLOORED. Here it is:
"You can dress like the money that jingles, or you can dress like the money that folds."

When I bother to send them, I try to send decent Christmas cards. This year I RECEIVED 2 great ones; so good that I must share with you here:
"Know how you can tell a reindeer from an elk or a regular deer?"
Open the card, and it says: "Reindeer's a little chewier."

St. Nick is all dressed up, sitting in a chair; and the card says "He whistled and shouted, and called them by name."
Open the card, and it says "Topless waitresses hate Santa."

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