Sidebars 141 -- 150



SIDEBAR 141

January 2011


(...last month we were...)


Reading: Fuck; I need a book, or something, huh? Okay...

Watching: Boooooo. The NatGeo and Sci channel previews are over. Those were good viewing! It figures (Doesn't it?) that the best overall channels (of science, nature, and critical thought) are in the highest priced packages...Coming to IFC (and maybe Comedy Central) in January; the "Onion News Network". I will like it!..

Class Projects: Great Migrations (on DVR), Oregon Art Beats, new "House" and "Dr. Who" are waiting for her return from Christmas vacation...(This is watching, hearing, new stuff, personal shit, etc., but it was discovered on:) 12-29-10; with my Girlfriend home; a new "Dr. Who" AND a new "House" to view (in the DVR), so we sat down with some of my excellent homemade pizza to enjoy a bit of televisual entertainment. No. The message said that 'The hard drive of this DVR has been corrupted. All content will need to be deleted. This will take at least 10 minutes.' Bummer! So we will have to start over with DVR recordings. I have lost 140 hours of content, and it hurts. But the new me will deal with it...

movies together: some of "Independence Day",

Shit I watch alone: So I checked out "The Whole Truth" with Maura Tierny (who I've loved since before Newsradio); it's okay. Not great, but watchable. I would expect more from Ms. Tierny..."Men of a Certain Age" is pretty good...I'm back watching "The League" again; it's hilarious..."Cougar Town" just keeps getting better..."Running Wilde" is okay; I like Keri Russell...(From 2005) Denis Leary's "Merry Freakin' Christmas"...Robot Chicken Star Wars 3...The last thing I WATCHED on the DVR before it blew up was "Most Evil" on the ID channel; a show about deviant serial killers (yum). I like David Parker Ray. / The next thing that was on my list to watch; or, the first thing I MISSED from the DVR blowing up was the Family Guy 2010 Christmas special...

Comedians: more Dov Davidoff, Dan Cummins "Crazy With A Capital F", Tracy South, Gary Valentine, Pat Dixon "Ain't Love Grand", Jeff Garcia, Steve McGrew, Billy Gardell,

Crappy cable movies: "Layer Cake", "Deck The Halls",
Psycho Mike-O says I need to see to see the Bill Murray movie "Quickchange"; he says it's HIS favorite Bill Murray movie. YES; OVER Caddyshack, Ghostbusters, Groundhog Day, and Scrooged. I am intrigued...

Play it Again's: I bought "Scrooged"; my favorite Christmas movie...Meatloaf on Private Sessions (from 2007), "The Comedians of Comedy", "A Christmas Story",

Watching and Hearing: On episode #7 of National Geographic's of "Great Migrations", there was no commentating by Alec Baldwin this time. It was all animal noises, and a few musical guests; Train, Courtyard Hounds, The Temper Trap, and Brandi Carlile. It was SWEET, and my girlfriend liked it, too!..On a college football broadcast I saw Parachute...GWAR on Jimmy Fallon; sweet...For the holidays, Dish channel 97, called "CD 15" is a Holiday Remix; with funk, soul, and dance mixes of Christmas songs. Excellent!..Eminem + Li'l Wayne blew up SNL; seriously, it was monstrous...

Hearing: Evanescence "Fallen" (is my alternate to "Bleed Like Me" Gargabe while cooking), Stabbing Westward "Darkest Days", "Pressure Chief"--Cake, "Battle of Los Angeles"--Rage Against the Machine (everyday), and Rage's "Maggie's Farm" Dylan remake, at least 100 times over the Christmas Holidays.

New on the radio; 11-18, LAST MONTH--new Ozzie, and it was good, too!..Also last month; the new Smashing Pumpkins is "Earphoria". It has no radio single. I will get it, eventually, but other things are in the way now. One more from last month; was that new Bad Religion "The Devi In Stitches"?..Ty Curtis is going to be on Elwood's House of Blues show, on 12-12-10...I heard new Rush music on 12-21; scaled down, and a bit less intricate--but still RUSH! And on 12-21--that's funny; like 2112...Dead Air. There's this show "Love Lines". It's on our local girlie alt station KNRQ (like what I used to work in). During EVERY commercial break (4 per hour, right?), for the length of the show, there was at least one full minute of DEAD AIR. Nothing! Back in my day, that'd get you fired. So if you're scoring at home; corporate radio still HATES me, but now they LOVE dead air...And then the non-corporate KFLY local station had 3 minutes of dead air, right before 2 pm on 12-28-10. What is with these idiots? Seriously; shouldn't radio stations be required to have a LIVE BODY in the DJ booth? Is that too much to ask?..

Musical Purchases this month from the Tom Tucker discount wall at CDWorld, my Barbie Dream Home: NEW NAME! This business, my Dream Job of Someday, is NOW called "Skip's Records And CDWorld". Best of luck with ALL things to my current favorite record store of all time!..I will go look for used Cake, but nobody ever sells Cake, or Rage. Damn them...Then I found used Rage and used Cake at CDWorld; just not the ones I wanted...Christmas Eve purchases at CDWorld; "Great Rock-A-Boogie Blues" (from the "A Celebration Of Blues" collection), and 2 DVD's; "Cabin Fever" for me, and "South Beach" for my MoM...Their website, go to..., should be CDWorld, right?..

Out and About: A 'watching WHILE hearing' out and about party; for sets 2 and 3 of the 12-16 O/T Blues Jam, up on the tv was a replay of the 1998 NFC championship game of Falcons at Vikings. Sweet!..

Singing: "Nobody's fault But Mine"--Led Zeppelin (I was talking to myself about this song, then it was played in one of my dreams, then a guy in Diversion class referenced it. Cool, huh?), "I Write The Songs"--Barry Manilow, "2 Outta 3 Ain't Bad"--Meatloaf, "Finding My Way"--RUSH, "Semi-Charmed Life"--Third Eye Blind,

What I want today: I have survived 4 months of "dry"; so I'm going to say that I have GOTTEN what I wanted.

New stuff this month or so: "Edge" sensitive skin shaving gel. I completed my trial of a generic shave gel, and I am back to the good stuff now! I had to learn the difference for myself, and I did; thank you. Now I will type a thank you e-mail to Edge...We're back to the "Rain Forest" Nag Champa incense; it's my favorite...DUI's are the biggest money-makers in law-enforcement. Don't drive drunk; they are looking for you now...

This Month of bargain-shopping (Dollar Tree, Cash King, Big Lots, etc.): wraps, pickles, black pepper,

Occupational Hazards: I'm unemployed, and probably unemployable. Kiss my ass. No, no, no; I CAN pass your drug test, bitch--I just can't stop cussing, or insulting stupid women. See?..

Personal shit for my own memory banks this month: Beginning of the month; gave myself another home haircut, and have apparently missed some spots. go me!..On 12-2-10, super late that night, I did something weird. It's SO weird, that I can not discuss it until next year. It involves sleepwalking, and a bathtub. Again...12-3; more Salvation Army pants for me; cool...12-7; I made my first mixed disc of music from my collection, to take to the bar! So tonight I played Golden Tee golf to Bad Religion Christmas music, remixes of NIN's "Perfect Drug", "Bicycle Song" and "Shoegazer"! Woo-hoo! I'm planning more bar discs now; Three Penny Needle and Fig Dish!..Sober me is making lists of shit accomplished/to be accomplished, and things to do/get. Me! Organized, and making lists; wow...A bonus move to my crunches makes them MUCH more painful/effective (leg lifts with leg weights still on)...Not my idea; Diversion classes are going to cut me loose 1 week early. So I should be fully completed before 2011!..In July my protein levels were at 6.0% (and I said I'd get them higher); as of 12-9-10, I am up to 7.5 (very good)...12-11-10; I went to the first comedy show of the season--met all the guys. And I may perform next week. Stay tuned...12-16-10; I am officially finished with Diversion classes! I still have a few more weeks of follow-up, but we're close to the end now!..12-18-10; more comedy. Met the lovely Kristine Levine (my 41st Facebook friend), and laughed my ass off...12-23; big day for me. I went to Diversion class, 'coz I'm cool like that. Then I went to both Big 5 Sporting Goods stores to get my new backpack--the Fieldline "Glenwood Canyon" internal frame pack (gorgeous). Then came home, jumped on my bike, + rode down to the shop to buy front + rear fenders for it. Merry Christmas to me, AND my bike!..End of year haircut; the absolute shortest cut of the 1/8 inch clip. I am, essentially, bald now. And I love it!..I am happy that: we do NOT have high speed internet! There are so many wastes of time that I simply do not need right now...No warnings; no skid marks: On 12-30-10, while riding my bike to the Diversion class, I wiped out on an icy bridge, and scraped up my right knee. It could have been MUCH worse. The other cool bike-rider guy in my class bit the street TWICE on the way to class this cold day; one of his wrecks was the same place as mine...

Pinball and Golden Tee stuff: No pinball through the first 7 days...12-2; Got my 22nd hole in one on Golden Tee (22 HIO, 16 Double Eagles total)...My GT handicap is back up to +14, yay. Then down to +12, boo...I played the broken Spiderman pinball at the comedy club 12-11-10; I got the loop champion thing...You know what? Screw this. I am DELETING pinball and Golden Tee updates for 2011. There are better things to do with my time and limited funds. If I make a trip to Ground Kontrol in Portland , then I will write a full commentary on it...

Grammar: If a want-ad in the paper has a grammatical error; do you point it out to them, or just let it go? This ad has run for 2 weeks..."Wishy-washy". This is NEITHER a dumb person, NOR A person who changes their mind back-and-forth. A person who is wishy-washy gets what they want (wishy), and then pisses it away (washy). A wishy-washy person is a spoiled child, or one who cannot stay committed to a premise. I mention this because I have been wishy-washy for major parts of my life, and am now changing. Pay attention to how many college graduates use "wishy-washy" when they really mean "dumbass" or "indecisive". People are fun...Crap! I just found, then had to go fix, THREE type-o's from my December Sidebar! I am losing my mind!..

New foods this month: Regardless of other plans, this house now has "Pizza Fridays"...12-4; my first post-workout smoothie made with the Magic Bullet--banana, coconut milk, soy protein powder, + blueberries. It was good; I almost puked...New milk; Coconut Milk from local Turtle Mountain...I call it "Fire Water"; one part hot sauce to 4 parts water. I LIKE this stuff. Mmmm...More smoothies, and Pizza Fridays are going well...I've been making cran-cherry juice at home. Then I found "Cranberry/Black Cherry" juice at Wal-Mart. Yum...I've already made the best pizza I've ever tasted. And now, as of 12-18, I have also made the best leftover pizza I've ever tasted...So you think you're a chef now, huh? I made clusterfuck nachos with 4, yes FOUR, fat serrano peppers. This was the hottest damn plate of food I've eated yet. I cried; I laughed; I loved them. And no heartburn--just regular tears...12-22: My girlfriend forgot a sandwich she meant to travel with; she left it in the 'fridge. It was almond butter and pickles. I slathered fire water all over it, and it was the greatest sandwich ever! But I REALLY miss my girlfriend now!..12-29; Girlfriend is back; let's have a Pizza Wednesday! Sauce made with a can of peas, instead of an avocado, and it was excellent!..

This month of Blues Jamming: 12-2-10; set 1 was Z-Bass, Ra on 1 guitar, "Fiddler Bob" on violin, Scotty B on harp, JP, and Jimmy D drums. 2 was (newbie) Mike on bass, Ed + Dave P on guitars, Mark the Harp, JP, Axel drums (+ sings Mustang Sally). 3 was Russ on bass, Roger + Jimmy B on guitars, Scotty B on harp, JP, Jimmy D drums. 4 was Z-Bass, Jeff, Max + Ri on 3 guitars, JP, Axel drums...12-9-10; set 1 was Z-Bass, Ra + Ri on guitars, "Fiddler Bob" on violin, Mark the Harp, Axel drums. set 2 was T-Mart on bass, Ro + Jeff on guitars, Scotty B on harp, Lenny drums. 3 was Z-Bass, Ra + Max on guitars, Mark the Harp, Golfshoes drums. Set 4; I don't know--I left...12-16-10; 2 blues jams for me! It starts with Static Girl's work Christmas party with Tony Rae and Common Ground. They sounded fantastic! And then I went down to my regular Overtime Blues Jam at 9:30 pm. I missed the first set of Z-Bass, Ri + Ra on guitars, Scotty B on harp, and Axel on drums; set 2 was Jason on bass, Kyle + Ra on guitars, Mark the Harp, and Lenny drums (bonus bongo drums on sets 1, 2 + 3 by Steve). Val sang alone, and then sang "Mustang Sally" with Axel--that was a sweet class project. 3 was Z-Bass, Kyle + Ra stayed on guitars, Golfshoes drums, Steve on bongos. Z did 'Teenage Pussy'! 4 was Z-Bass, Max, Ra + Ri on 3 guitars, Axel drums like a rock God!..12-23-10; Christmas Blues Jam! set 1 (the reunion tour) was Z-Bass, Ri and Brian Chevalier on guitars, Michael Johnson on harp, JP, and Jimmy D drums (JP had been sick for a month, Brian had been gone for a month, and Michael hadn't been around for over a year). 2 was T-Mart on bass, Roger on 1 guitar, Fiddler Bob, Mark the Harp, JP, Lenny drums. 3 was Z-Bass, Brian C. + Kyle on guitars, Scotty B on harp, Golfshoes drums. 4 was T-Mart on bass, Ri + Brian C on guitars, JP, and (new) Jeff drums...12-30-10; New Year's Blues Jam! set 1 was Z-Bass, Ri + Ra on guitars, JP, and Jimmy D drums. 2 was Russ on bass, Brian C. + Kyle on guitars, Mark the Harp, Fiddler Bob, Golfshoes drums. Val sang. 3 was T-Mart on bass, Max + Jimmy B. on awesome guitars, Scotty B on harp, JP, and Lenny drums. 4 was Z-Bass, Ri + Ra on guitars, JP, Axel drums. Happy New Year from everybody at the Westside Blues Jam!

My trials and trib.s as a critical believer in the concept of God: God is hungover. Leave Him alone for now. We'll wake Him up in a couple of hours.

What's different here than in college town: Similar; a 23 yr. old girl here birthed a baby, dumped it in the trash, then went back to her night shift job at a motel...After she got a restraining order on him, a man here set his ex-girlfriend's car on fire. Wow. Is that great, or what?..

What's different here than dumbass Arizona: Well; Oregon kicked Arizona's ass in college football...Arizona has tons of call centers. Another one here just closed; the big Harry and David place. That's 1000 more seasonal jobs lost here; it sucks to be us!..Oregon may be the first state to ban all plastic grocery bags, and I hope they do.

How Does Your Garden Grow? (Tales from our community garden plot):

Life with Static Girl: She did a Winter trim job that I really like...Her left hip is messed up. She calls it the 'new normal'. It is neither new nor normal. Neither, I say...Have I mentioned that she likes my Dollar Tree antacids much more than the expensive name-brand ones?..I ask her if she still likes me, and she nods her head 'yes'. And then I ask her if I still annoy her sometimes, and she nods her head 'yes'. That's my girl...Okay; we argued temperatures one day. It was warm, so I said it was about 70. She said it was cold, and only about 45. So we drove past the bank with the thermometer; it was 48. So; she wins, completely. And I'm walking around in a t-shirt, nearly sweating. Maybe I was having a stroke, or losing the feeling in my entire body; sobriety is not for everybody...I made a questionable comment at her work when I went to pick her up on 12-17; I was trying to be funny, but it did NOT come out "work safe". So I am imposing my own 2-week ban on entering her workplace (policing myself). This is the new me; when I go back, in 2011, I will sincerely apologize--and then I will never be less than work-safe again...Girlfriend is drinking real coffee! At her cool job, she used to dilute their coffee with some water (my idea). But over the past few months she has been drinking the real coffee at work; and as of 12-18-10 she freely sips my coffee at home. She even claims that my coffee is NOT that strong after all. Wow. Trust me; after going weaker for the last 10 years, I will get all the way back to brewing 'coffee that leaves bruises' now...I learned (bad) that if I annoy her during a walk together, then she stops holding my hand. And THAT sucks, big time. Even if I am actually CORRECT; when I annoy her, she takes the hand away. Booo...Except for one bad meal choice, I haven't had heartburn since August. However; from dating ME, Static Girl has developed a stomach ulcer (and she ain't the first woman I done that to). So the Dollar Tree antacids still get ate (eated?); but it's by her and not me...All I want for Cheristmas is for my girlfriend to come home. THEN we can talk a about a happy new year!..I promised to write her a poem before the end of the year; here it is: "Roses are red / Violets are blue. / I'm trying very hard / To NOT annoy you." And she likes it!..For Christmas "presents", it would appear that I got her a bottle of booze, a case of Coke, and a roll of quarters. I would do more, but she's happy enough with that for now...

My FCP has this for me: Okay; taking a break from pinball has not created any poetry yet, but I did write one very good letter/e-mail to my FCP. Hmmm. I may have just discovered something else to help me write (using dual targets as the 'distraction method', yeah). Plus I have comedy to work on. I'm pretty busy for an unemployed guy...I got to do a Christmas talk with her. She sounds sooooooo good...And she got lots of snow for Christmas. Yay her!..

Comments From The Peanut Gallery: $144 Billion for Wall Street bonuses this year...The U. S. teen birthrate is at an all-time low right now..."More than 25% of Kids and Teens in the U.S. Take Prescriptions on a Regular Basis"...

A thought to take with you: A paper dollar from 1960 is worth exactly the same as a paper dollar in 2010, but four quarters from 1960 are worth more than $21. Hey MoM; can you hear me down there?

'I wouldn't give up my magical powers for ANY girl.' Parker on Bones

"Innovators and men of genius have almost always been regarded as fools at the beginning (and very often at the end) of their careers"--Fyodor Dostoevsky (from comic April Macie's Facebook page)

Real Oregon Bumper Stickers: "My Other Car Is A Bicycle", "I Am Having Fun Now",

Band names: "Coffee That Leaves Bruises", "Leftover Pizza", "Skid Marks",
"Fox Viewer Syndrome"--Chris Hayes on Countdown,
"A Baffled Lot"--My AA book, "Procrasturbation"--LoriMac on Facebook





SIDEBAR 142

February 2011


(...last month we were...)


Reading:

Watching: Dish Network preview; all 8 Encore channels! I'm revisiting some great movies here! Movies are good! Movies keep me home, sober, and out of trouble. Yay boobies! I mean; uh, movies...Keith is off Countdown; no more Countdown, and I am sad...

Class Projects: we finally saw the lost Dr. Who episode; Bones, House, Castle (our new show), 1st season X-Files from the BBC network,

movies together: none

Shit I watch alone: the "White Collar" marathon on USA...Season 3 of tosh.0...Onion Sports Dome is great! (that's Danyelle Sargent as Melissa Wells)...It looks so realistic! I will have to check out MTV's new "Skins" show. Ha...

Comedians: Hello! Now with the ability to watch MySpace, Youtube and other comedy shorts, I will be watching an hour per day of comedy, or more! Louis CK, Bill Hicks, and some good non-cussing comedy will help me...

Crappy cable movies: DVD movie, actually. The lovely Miss Kindra let me borrow 2009's "Zombieland" ('I haven't cried like that since "Titanic"' and "Tallahassee's nice this time of year!"), which I LOVED!.."Birthday Girl", "Collateral",

Play it Again's: "High Score", "Single White Female", "The Rookie", "Heckler"--sober (it's a much better movie while sober),

Watching and Hearing: Angles + Airwaves in a Phillips commercial...I almost freaked out! After the X-Files on that BBC network is a show called "Top Gear". The theme music for it is an electronica/techno version of "Jessica" by the Allman Brothers--I was impressed!..

Hearing: The Orb "Metallic Spheres" w/David Gilmour, dubious "Blinded", all my Christmas music--2 Joe Satriani's; "Black Swans and Wormhole Wizards" + "Crystal Planet", Rise Against "Siren Song for the Counter Culture",

New on the radio; was that some new Social D?..

Musical Purchases this month from the Tom Tucker discount wall at Skip's Records And CDWorld; my future place of employment, and permanent Barbie Dream Home: On 1-6-11, I just went in to check out stuff. Then I saw it; a new ORB CD "Metallic Spheres". So I picked it up to look at it; "FEATURING DAVID GILMOUR". Okay; how can I say this calmly? Um, I cannot. MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! My new ORB CD! My new David Gilmour music! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! (The people at Skip's Records and CDWorld are still kinda scared of me.)...

Out and About: ELP at Big 5 Sporting Goods, Phil Collins at Fred Meyer, Jewel at Big Sporting Goods, Cher at Fred Meyer, Melissa Ethridge at Home Depot. A real, live 'Out and about': at the plasma clinic they played the movie "Singles". I got to quote movie lines, sing songs, and promote the soundtrack as being one of the best ever!..Hall and Oates at Fred Meyer,

Singing: "Space Truckin'"--Deep Purple, "Runaway Train"--Soul Asylum, "Heartbreaker"--Pat Benatar, "Dyslexic Heart"--Paul Westerberg, "Sex Is Not The Enemy" + "It's All Over But The Crying"--Garbage, "Lonely Is The Night"--Billy Squier, "When You Get There"--Zebra, "Closer to the Edge"--30 Seconds to Mars, "Mad About You"--Belinda Crlisle,

What I want today: To get MUCH better at live comedy presentation...And I'd like some new inspiration, too. A new crush or interest; a new hobby, something. I did get back a little into some football cards--and that was fun for a week; but I need more...What I want? A big sack of money dumped in my lap; then I could get on with my lesser wants...My ESPN wife would be Hannah Storm; my ESPN girlfriend would be Rachel Nichols...WTF is this "Flexbelt" thing on tv?..

New stuff this month or so: We are getting DSL and a wireless router (1-15-11)! I am so excited...New to me! Christmas presents from Iowa: 2 Colorado Avalanche t-shirts + a 2011 Avalanche calender, Big 5 Sporting Goods and Best Buy gift cards, a Rise Against CD, AND DVD, 2 Joe Satriani CD's, 2 nice shirts, The Tightwad Gazette, and TWO bottles of Blair's Death hot sauce (with 2 keychains)!..1-15-11; no DSL accesible here. It is faster internet, but not much...Notebook paper! I COULD have bought cheap paper for a buck; instead I bought this 100% recycled filler paper by New Leaf Paper out of San Francisco. $2.50 for 200 sheets; a great idea, and worth the investment! "Just think, in a previous life this was probably somebody else's paper..."...Pay attention; Redbox DVD rentals kill off tens of thousands of video rental jobs, book downloads kill off thousands of bookstores/jobs, and free music downloads kill off thousands of record stores/jobs. People are going back to school, but what "jobs" are left for them?..In our neighborhood, a new gymnastics academy has opened. Nice...

This Month of bargain-shopping (Dollar Tree, Cash King, Big Lots, etc.): candles, mouthwash, + wraps

Occupational Hazards: Everybody has seen the Magic Bullet blender infomercial. They should let ME make a new 2011 Magic Bullet infommercial; I would do it as a single guy, speaking to friends, talking about health/saving money, and I would DO it with a tv in the fake kitchen that was playing the old Magic Bullet infomercial--that I'd keep referring to! In case YOU didn't know--I'm a fucking genius over here!..

Personal shit for my own memory banks this month: A Real, Live, New Year's Resolution: I will stay under 200 lbs. (or under 205 fully dressed, with full pockets, and shoes on) for the entire year of 2011. All I have to do is keep eating like I did in 2010, and do minimal exercise at least 2 days per week. Even if I cannot do a full workout, for whatever reasons (2 bike wrecks this month), I can STILL do an exercise walk, almost everyday!..I used to have an allergy mark under my left eye. Perhaps with better diet and health now (?), no longer do I have that visible allergy mark. More! I have had a mole in my right armpit since puberty. I check it everyday in the shower (yup, there it is). On New Year's Day 2011, in the shower I checked for it again, and the mole came off in my hand and quickly washed down the drain. Should I be concerned, or happy about that?..1-2-11; open mike comedy night at The Black Forest. I performed. It was weird. Maybe I liked it...1-7-11, Friday night; staying home instead...Yes. And I am going through tons of notebook paper. It's important to write, and always good to scribble down ideas. I now have comedy, commentaries, and still the occasional poetic theme to stream. I am HAPPY to be scribbling again; yay scribbles!..On 1-9-11, my van died on the way to the bar. It will need a new fuel pump and filter; another $250 I don't have...1-10-11; found out my final urinalysis is clean, so I am DONE with Diversion. Later that morning I had a full-speed bicycle wipeout on the ice. Banged left knee, hip, shoulder, and side of head. Ouch...1-12-11; my legal problems continue, as I now need more than what was originally explained to me for my medical concerns...At least I am writing again! I like to be writing!..192 lbs., still, fully dressed with shoes, on 1-13-11; go me!..I have been playing smarter poker; I won money 2 days in a row, at 2 different places; 1-16, and 1-17-11...(Also on 1-16-11) I got a small % of the drinks sold at my 2nd open-mic comedy night. This means I am now; ahem, a "Professional Stand-Up Comic". The quarter I "earned" is taped to my computer monitor!..1-20-11; I've been leg-weight walking daily, but NOT working out (still a bit sore from the last bike wreck), so I expected to gain a couple of lbs. No. 1-20-11; 189.2, fully dressed with shoes. Wow. Lowest weight since I was 20...More legal insanity! My court case is far from over. There are THREE connected commentaries coming soon; but I will not be posting them until this incompetent court experience is completed. Sorry...1-25-11, Tuesday; pretty big day: to court for payment extension, then my final regular Dr.'s appointment for medical completion (only 1 more step to go), 188 lbs. with shoes on(!), then placed 2nd in my own poker tournament...1-27-11. There I was; flossing my teeth, like a good boy. And then I flossed out a chunk of a lower back tooth. How ironic is that; trying to be good, but still doing bad? Welcome to MY life...1-20-11; I crashed and burned at my own BIG poker tournament, and then went to my 3rd open-mic comedy night. I did better; more like my first time, energy-wise. But I need to learn how to "pause", and wait for reaction. I earned 2 DOLLARS this time! Go me!..

Pinball and Golden Tee stuff: Did I ride the train to Portland? No? Then there is no pinball or Golden Tee stuff...Well; 24 mil. on the new Ripley's pinball at Jackalope is currently the highest REAL score on the game, as of 1-20-11...

Grammar: The primary word is "subtle"; with an "e", yes. But when you throw a "y" on the end, you must DROP the "e" (I know it LOOKS wrong). English is a screwed-up language. So; when you turn "subtle" into either an adjective OR an adverb, it is spelled "subtly". Thank you very much...I love it when people FROM Ohio misspell Cincinnati! Here's how to remember this tricky word; 3 "n"'s, and 1 "t". How hard is that, people?..Unless you are speaking in an effort to be amusing (like me with my Georgia accent), please speak with correct grammar; we appreciate it...

New foods this month: We had some potatos that were going bad. Girlfriend said I should make some soup--so's I did. It is VERY good 6 potato soup, and SHE gets all the credit for it! Hmmm...A bean soak that tried to become soup wound up being my first casserole ever! And it was even halfway successful; go me!..

This month of Blues Jamming: 1-6-11; First Jam of 2011! The first Blues Jam I could be tempted by, and I WAS, but did not partake (of weed, at least)! Set 1 was Z-Bass, Ra on 1 guitar, Scotty B on harp, JP, Fiddler Bob, (birthday boy, 55) Jimmy D drums. 2 was T-Mart on bass, Ro + Ra on guitars, Mark the Harp, JP in and out, Lenny drums. Janie walked in was immediately pulled up to play her sax--nice. Val sang, then Val + Axel sang Mustang Sally. A crowded stage, but very good. 3 was Z-Bass, Jeff(!) + Ri on guitars, Scotty B on harp again, JP, Janie sax, Axel drums brilliantly. By set 4 I was nearly blacked out; Z-Bass, Max + Jeff + Ri on 3 guitars (wow), JP, Jimmy D drums. I remember it starting, then I woke up in my bed. It is possible that I ate pain pills, AND saw boobies (bar flasher), but I don't know for sure...1-13-11; set 1 was Z-Bass, Ra + Brian Chevalier on guitars, Scotty B on harp, JP, and Jimmy D drums. 2 was T-Mart on bass, Jimmy B + Ri on guitars, Mark the Harp, Greg Schaefer on drums (back after 18 months), Steve bongos. 3 was Z-Bass, Max + Ra on guitars, Axel drums, JP in and out. 4 was T-Mart bass, Ri + Ra guitars, Lenny drums...Bonus Jam! 1-14-11; dubious CD release party at the Astoria (in my neighborhood). 2 amazing sets; covers of Pink Floyd, Paul Simon, Bill Withers, + more! Very sweet...1-20-11; set 1; Z-Bass, Brian C. + Ra on guitars, Scotty B on harp, JP, Jimmy D drums. 2 T-Mart bass, Ro + Ra guitars, Mark the Harp, JP, Lenny drums (Val sang 1). 3 (new) Ken bass, Ro + Ra guitars, Janie sax, Mike on keyboards, Golfshoes drums. 4 Z-Bass, Ri + Max guitars, Janie sax, JP, Axel drums (and YES, that's a fucking BRILLIANT 4th set)...1-27-11, no Z-Bass--T-Mart is in charge! set 1; T-Mart bass, Ri + Ra on guitars, Mark the Harp, JP keys, Jimmy D drums. Val sang 1. 2 was Mike on bass, Dave P and Ed on guitars, Scotty B on harp, Golfshoes drums. 3 was Russ on bass, Jimmy B + Ro on guitars, Rick on keys, Lenny drums. 4 was (I missed most of:) Max + Kyle on guitars, with Axel drumming. My tummy hurt--so I got a ride home early. I need to pace myself better!

My trials and trib.s as a critical believer in the concept of God: God is currently doing some 'bible study' for me, trying to answer some questions (about 950 yr. old Noah and the Ark) posed by comic Jim Jeffries. As you can see; God is in no hurry to get back to me...

What's different here than in college town: Oregon has "platypus" families; where one sibling attends U of O (Ducks), and another goes to OSU (Beavers). Platypus families are encouraged here. Ain't nothing like that in Georgia; we don't mix our Bulldogs and bumble bees...Why? Why, oh why, why; why? Why would you tattoo a girl's name on the side of your neck? I don't get it, and don't even want an explanation. TWO guys here have these; and ONE of the guys is no longer with his uh, "neck-sake"...

What's different here than dumbass Arizona: Who knew? Lane County, here, is the grass seed capital of the world...Well; Phoenix HAS a real comedy scene; the Tempe Improv is world-famous. Here? Not so much...

How Does Your Garden Grow? (Tales from our community garden plot): I've been trudging through the ice to cover the plot with boxes from the plasma center; go me...

Life with Static Girl: For the new year, she ordered high speed internet for us. I am scared and excited about this...She's buying all kinds of stuff; we have a new scanner now, too...Static Girl is getting back to writing on paper in 2011, and this is a great thing! I hope to follow in her footsteps with this...She is my conceptual potato soup!..Girlfriend has a beautiful new scanner. I don't get to touch it, but it looks nice!..She doesn't savor the chocolate chips like I do; she just crunches through them; yet, she claims to enjoy them as much as I do. Hmmm...Girlfriend called me in to her computer, and made me CHOOSE my new pizza cutter from Amazon. What a nice way of PROVING how much she likes the pizzas I make here! I can't wait to try out my new pizza cutter!..Continuing; she likes my pizzas so much that she often snags a piece to take with her for her work lunch (I wonder if she brags about my pizza to her work buddies?)...I bought her some Yumm sauce with plasma money, and then bought her some booze with drug money. Ha!..I did that? She moved my slippers. She said I had left them in a 'high traffic area'. All of my other roommates have left THEIR slippers out for me to fall over; apparently I am doing that to her now...

My FCP has this for me: She is moving again; this time to middle America...She's moved, and settling in. She wishes I could help break up her boredom; I could do that!..

Comments From The Peanut Gallery: Homeless former radio DJ Ted Williams, Columbus OH, is now a national sensation (and employed). I hope to follow in his footsteps; well, sort of!..Over half of all U. S. homes have 3 or more tv's. We have ONE!..This "Angry Birds" game (whatever that is) steals your private information. Nice...Egypt imploded on 1-25-11; remember that...

A thought to take with you: "Everyone likes to push on a leaning fence."--Chinese proverb

"Life is like licking honey off of a thorn."--philosopher LoriMac

"I'm holding out for the right stripper"--MY joke about why I'm not married

My 2 new stickers: "I DON'T HAVE AN ANGER PROBLEM / I HAVE AN IDIOT PROBLEM", AND "IF I CAN'T BE A GOOD EXAMPLE, I'LL JUST HAVE TO BE A HORRIBLE WARNING" (nice, huh?)

Band names: "Staying Home Instead", "Trailer Park Mimosa", "Fertilizer Fumes",
(real Oregon band) "Paper Or Plastic",
"Squinterns"--Bones, "Car-B-Que"--Whacked Out Sports,





SIDEBAR 143

March 2011


(...last month we were...)


Reading: A little bit of a lot of stuff.

Watching: Starz preview channels; whatever, they have a few movies to watch.

Class Projects: A DVD episode of her "Enterprise",

movies together:

Shit I watch alone: "Mr. Show" on IFC is pretty good..."Archer" is back, and as raunchy as ever!..

Comedians: Bobby Slayton: "Born to Be Bobby",

Crappy cable movies: It was 1-29-11; my first Redbox rental was "The Social Network". Great movie, good soundtrack. Yay...

Play it Again's: "Natural Born Killers",

Watching and Hearing: I'll admit it; I go to Youtube and watch/listen to songs. It's incredible; Before February 2011, I'd only seen 2 videos of Mother's Finest in my life.

Hearing: Volbeat, The Orb w/David Gilmour, Hazel Virtue "Hip", Fig Dish Toaster, 3 Joe Satriani CD's, 2 Rise Against CD's,

New on the radio; there's new Jeff Beck

Musical Purchases this month from the Tom Tucker discount wall at Skip's Records And CDWorld; my future place of employment, and permanent Barbie Dream Home: nothing

Out and About: Sheryl Crow at Albertson's, obscure Cake at my girlfriend's job, the entire first Boston album at the DMV (nice)!

Singing: "Jackie Blue"--Ozark Mountain Daredevils, "Baby Love"--Mother's Finest, my 3 Volbeat songs "Guitar Gangsters...", "Still Counting", and "A Broken Man And The Dawn", "Hip" and "Free"--Hazel Virtue, "Chemicals Between Us"--Bush, "All I Can Do" and "Bye Bye Love"--the Cars, "I Can't Tell You Why"--Eagles,

What I want today:

New stuff this month or so: From my 2011 Colorado Avalanche calender; Defenseman John Michael Liles was January, and now Center Paul Stastny is February..."Off The Hook" B-B-Q (formerly just catering) is now a restaurant in the 7th + Chambers food lot. Nice!..Early Feb.; 2 days in the 60's, with 2 nights down into the lower 20's (sweet)...To answer the governemnt's advice about providing healthier food, Jack in the Box has come out with the "All American Jack hamburger, which is 840 calories by itself, or 1400 calories if made into a meal. I will NOT be getting one--thank you...Big "M" band tours in 2011; Molly Hatchet and Marshall Tucker tour together, Moody Blues tour alone; where is the Mother's Finest tour that I want to see? And Meatloaf?..Pitchers and catchers reported on 2-16-11; good for them...

This Month of bargain-shopping (Dollar Tree, Cash King, Big Lots, etc.):

Occupational Hazards: ha ha; I am so clever.

Personal shit for my own memory banks this month: Got drunk, lost $60 playing poker, and scalded my mouth on 2-6-11 Superbowl Sunday...2-9-11 Tuesday. Threw my new frisbee (finally) with Z-Bass, and helped him do internet stuff. Later I got a present from my girlfriend!..2-10-11; big day! Dr.'s appointment; 189 lbs. fully dressed. Mailed off my medical stuff, certified style, and found a Steve Smith (Panthers) uniform patch in a pack of 2010 Topps football cards. Cool. Now Blues Jam!..I'm leaving for 9 days. Bite me...While gone to see parents, had a "goutbreak", or gout "outbroke" in my left foot. Great. I enjoy this pain so much...I'm back on 2-24-11; good dinner at Go Healthy with Static Girl...On 2-25-11 I got my driver's license reinstated, and am official with OMMP now, as well!..By the final day of February, the "goutbreak" in my left foot is almost gone. Good.

Pinball and Golden Tee stuff: (Playstation 2 pinball) 2-12-11: 1st game of Black Knight pinball in months; turned it over, and scored 15 million (new #2 score). 2-25-11: 1st game of Gorgar pinball in months; and I turned it over for the FIRST TIME EVER; 1.1 million (new high score).

Grammar: Please.

New foods this month: I barely remember. Barely? Actually; look for more with "barley" soon.

This month of Blues Jamming: 2-3-11; set 1 was Z-Bass, Ri on 1 guitar, Scotty B on harp, JP, and Jimmy D drums. 2 was Jeff on bass, Ri on the SAME 1 guitar, Mark the Harp, JP, and Lenny drums. 3 was Z-Bass, Ri + Max on guitars, Mark the Harp, Axel drums (because Golfshoes ran away). Set 4 was Z-Bass, Ri + Max on guitars, Mark the Harp, JP, Jimmy D drums. My notes say that I sang a 4th set song--AS IF I am happy about this; I don't even want to know...2-10-11 (JP is sick); set 1 was Z-Bass, Ra + Dave P. on guitars, Michael Johnson on harp, Lenny drums. 2 was Russ bass, Brian C. + Ri on guitars, Mark the Harp, Jimmy D drums. Janie (sax) showed up mid-set. Also; performing at Mac's on Friday night, we heard 2 songs of T-Bone Weldon singing/playing harp; very nice, and a good full stage. 3 was Z-Bass, Max + Kyle on guitars, Scotty B on harp, Axel drums. 4th set; Z-Bass, Ri + Ra on guitars, Bobby D on harp, Jimmy D drums. I started drinking water before the 3rd set, and took a few pictures with my new camera. Follow up to my singing last week; it was Mark the Harp who dragged me up to sing "Flip, Flop and Fly", which is my FAVORITE Mark the Harp song. According to Mark, and 2 others; I sang well, girls screamed, and I am welcome to sing again anytime. I don't believe this shit for a second--they are all conspiring against me!..2-17 and 2-24 I did not make it to. Sorry.

My trials and trib.s as a critical believer in the concept of God: God is concerned about our reserve. Yes; it has many meanings.

What's different here than in college town: "Archer" is made in Georgia? Cool...2-24-11; At the Portland airport I saw a VERY pregnant female walking around in high heels. I have so many questions now...

What's different here than dumbass Arizona: Elton John played HERE, in our tiny Oregon town; he played nowhere else on the west coast...

How Does Your Garden Grow? (Tales from our community garden plot): more boxes!..

Life with Static Girl: I broke her bread. Then I had to make more bread. Then I baked the broken bread--and salvaged the loaf. From a bad situation, I made some lemonade!..I asked her what she wanted from me for Valentine's Day, and she looked at me with that lemonade face. She "missed" her 2 possible answers; one answer would be "Pizza"--which I will do! The other answer would be 'How about you go out of town for 9 days, boyfriend? That'd be a nice "gift".'...While washing dishes; me, being a good boyfriend and all; I oopsidentally broke one of her favorite drinking glasses. So that's me--trying to do good, but messing up anyway--AGAIN! Welcome to my world!..2-9-11; she came home with a gift for me. It's a new camera! A Canon SD 1300 IS, whatever that means. My first 2 pictures were of Boo the guinea pig...My girlfriend is smart and pretty; but she flaunts neither of those things...It's official; my girlfriend likes ME better than Ivory soap!

My FCP has this for me: Invented in January; we had been waiting for approval of her new nickname: "Girlfriend 2.0". She LOVES the idea of being the 'new and better version without all the glitches'!..From her fresh midwest perch, she is about 2550 miles away. That's a long walk, it's but 200 miles closer than where she was!..

Comments From The Peanut Gallery: "Wall street bonuses top $20.8 billion for 2010."...

A thought to take with you: "Dear Anonymous: Shut up, you're only rich because your parents sued the condom factory."--philosopher Nina

Band names: "Taco Bell Meat", "Drawing Enthusiasm"--Static Girl,
real Oregon band: "Door Number Three",





SIDEBAR 144

April 2011


(...last month we were...)


Reading: I have a comedy book! "Comedy Writing Step By Step" by Gene Perret

Watching: I want to see "American: The Bill Hicks Story" coming in 2011 from Sacred Cow Productions...On tv, "Community" was renewed for another year; yay...

Class Projects: Castle, House, Bones, an episode of Firefly,

movies together: nope

Shit I watch alone: Web Soup is back for season 3. Yay.

Comedians: Daniel Tosh' "Happy Thoughts", Nick Kroll's "Thank You Very Cool", Louis CK's "Shame" (again), Caroline Rhea + Friends, Kathy Griffin "50 & Not Pregnant", some Michael McDonald, new Norm MacDonald, John Oliver's (weekly) New York Stand-Up show,

Crappy cable movies: "Unfaithful", "Leaves Of Grass", "The Runaways", "How To Be A Serial Killer", 2004's "Spartan", "Grown Ups", "The Bounty Hunter", "The Haunting of Molly Hartley",

Play it Again's: "I Am Comic", "Heckler", "Bully", "Zombieland",

Watching and Hearing: YouTubin': My Jukebox Goddess Mindy loaned me the 2007 Volbeat European concert DVD; it is sweeeet!..I watch Arcade Fire's "Ready To Start" video, over and over...20 different Volbeat videos; like, "I Only Want To Be With You" (Death Metal does Dusty Springfield!). Volbeat versions are awesome! Thank you Volbeat!..Please--no more e-mails; YES, duh, I heard the Filter in that dumb video game commercial...Movie? Soundtrack? Okay; "Sucker Punch" got my musical attention with Zeppelin, Skunk Anansie, Silversun Pickups, and a Queen 'We Will Rock You' remix, but what about the movie?

Hearing: My favorite bartender gave me a copy of the new Volbeat CD "Beyond Hell/Above Heaven"; I'm still drooling. And; I'm a member of the Volbeat Team on Facebook now...Then my same favorite bartender gave me a copy of the Shaman's Harvest EP "Shine", which is also excellent. Life is good...

New on the radio; new REM, new Avril Lavigne, new Greenday, new Soundgarden, 2 new Foo songs, Radiohead, and did I hear some new Widespread Panic?, this new Cage the Elephant song "Shake Me Down" is hypnotic...The band Unwritten Law was on Love Lines; clever.

Musical Purchases this month from the Tom Tucker discount wall at Skip's Records And CDWorld; my future place of employment, and permanent Barbie Dream Home: no

Out and About: APP and Abba at Fred Meyer, No Doubt at Fred Meyer, Toad the Wet Sprocket and the Cure at Fred Meyer,

Singing: "Don't Tell Me You Love Me"--Night Ranger (I've been singing all the songs from my original "C-duction" cassette tape), "Something I Can Never Have" and "Right Where It Belongs"--NIN, "I Hate Myself For Loving You"--Joan Jett, "Working Man"--RUSH, "Showdown"--ELO, "Brothers In Arms"--Dire Straits, "Hey Man Nice Shot"--Filter, "Highway 90"--Jane Jensen,

What I want today: How about...Shannon Woodward? I often like to imagine combining me and my girlfriend into a single person. Have you seen/heard Shannon Woodward? Wow; she's pretty close to being spot-on between Rift and me...Comedy writing books! I mean; seriously, if we're going to DO this, then let's freaking DO this! The book, "Comedy Writing Secrets" by Melvin Helitzer would be nice.

New stuff this month or so: March has Defenseman Scott Hannan on my 2011 Avalanche calender (On November 30, 2010, Hannan was traded to the Washington Capitals for Tomas Fleischmann.)...Better late than never; the really good Rustic Crust pizza crust is finally available in our neighborhood; but I make my own pizza crusts now!..Also in our neighborhood grocery; the Don Pancho burrito wraps were on sale for $1, like at Dollar Tree!..On this 'Fat Tuesday' thing, we drank Hurricanes, wore beads, played poker, and screamed all night...Friday, 3-18-11; our water was shut down for a few hours so they could put X-Files stuff into it...Is there already a Gran Turismo 5?..Oregon may extend unemployment for the 99er's; yay!..It seemed like big news when Japanese radiation was detected in Nevada around 3-18-11. But it's all the way across the U. S. now--before 3-30-11. Yawn. 'It's here, but it poses no risk.' Yeah, right...In our neighborhood, the National Gymnastics Academy is very distracting. Hmmm...

This Month of bargain-shopping (Dollar Tree, Cash King, Big Lots, etc.): lighters, garlic powder, and kosher baby dills for my stunning girlfriend...

Occupational Hazards: That's it. I may not be able to mix with society anymore. It's not society's fault; good for them. I want to DO comedy. I'll write it, I'll sell it, and I can perform it MUCH better than I have so far...I had said (during rehab, 12-2010) that I wanted to get back on the radio; I completely understand why I felt that way: "I miss what it is that I used to know about radio." But what I "know" about radio doesn't really exist anymore. $10 an hour is a joke anyway. So my 'idea' to get back on the radio was good, and maybe I can pick up a few hours at KRVM to help with vocal projection; whatever. But I want to DO comedy now. ALL of it; writing, performing, and helping Seth and Chris organize better open mike nights. I want to perform with Franky, and I want to "brainstorm" with all of those guys. Period. Someday they'll have to make a movie about US.

Personal shit for my own memory banks this month: My left shoulder/pinched nerve thing from the 2005 car wreck has been causing some difficulty. It annoys me; so I went and did an angry, abrupt power-walk with the hand weights. Now...my shoulder feels better. So; the punishment that I enacted, out of frustration, winds up being beneficial. Welcome to MY world...Mountain Dew "White Out" is weak; I want my $1.49 back. I tried out the electric blue Jolt cola--NICE!..I am beginning the "new communication" process with my Mom, for her birthday month. And good luck with that...Blair's Hot Sauce is okay (not fantastic?), and (from Vancouver, Washington) Biokleen dishwashing soap is fantastic (not just okay?)...I tried an All Amerian Jack burger; it was pretty good...I wrote some comedy at the plasma center; go me!..I won $15 at poker on a Friday night; so I "invested" $11 of that into a comedy-writing book. I'm either brilliant, or pathetic; maybe 50/50. Yeah; most people would say 50/50. Great; thanks guys...Sunday, 3-20-11: Split/Won my own poker tournament WITH my favorite bartender, which is VERY cool. Also did okay at a cash poker game later; I'm buying more comedy-writing books!..

Pinball and Golden Tee stuff: my 98 foot eagle putt wound up being the longest putt on Falcon Sands...The bar where I crash and burn open-mike comedy now has Theatre of Magic pinball; that's freakin' sweeeeeet! Big thanks to my pinball buddy/bar manager Jason...

Grammar: Geez. News sites ("sites"; plural, yes, MORE than 1 news site--thank you for paying attention) can't even do grammar correctly. I'm about to give up: "Irregardless" is not a word; it is a free-standing double negative that does not exist in nature. Try to keep up here: "Ir--" is a prefix meaning "not". Got it? "--less" is a suffix meaning "without". So; ANY word starting with "Ir--" cannot end with "--less". You CAN have "irregarding" (not regarding), and, you CAN have "regardless" (without regards); but you cannot have both. Thank you...

New foods this month: My first batch of barley soup went well!..(From Men's Health Magazine:) "Quinoa"! It's not just a Peruvian, protein-rich grain food with all 9 amino acids; but also a new word that that Static Girl + I can argue about the pronunciation of! ("Keen-wah"? Really?) Also look for "amaranth" coming soon, and maybe some buckwheat, too. What? Oh! My quinoa went well, and then I made more and mixed it with rice, beans, and corn. Yum!..Just wait for my dark rye flour pizza crust on 3-18. Yes; it was very good...My nachos make me cry, sweat, and my nose always runs--on purpose! I can (almost) make "eating" into "exercise"...I made more soup on 3-23; "Soup Wednesday" may become a thing. Go me...On 3-25-11; "Pizza Friday", which IS a thing, went international; Asian pizza, with cashews and tangerines. Yummy...New dark beer! Loal brewer Ninkasi has a brew named "ReNEWale" that I love!..

This month of Blues Jamming: 3-3-11 (after 2 weeks off for me); set 1, Z-Bass, Ri + Ra on guitars, Scotty B on harp, JP, Jimmy D drums. 2 was T-Mart bass, Brian C. + (newbie) Terry on guitars, Mark the Harp, Lenny drums. 3 was Z-Bass, Brian C. + Ra on guitars, Axel drums. 4 was T-Mart bass, Max + Ra guitars, JP, Jimmy D drums...3-10-11; 1 was Z-Bass, Brian C. (I took lots of pictures of Brian!) + Ra on guitars, Scotty B harp, JP, Jimmy D drums. 2 was Z-Bass, Ra + Ro on guitars, Mark the Harp, JP, Lenny drums. 3 was Z-Bass, Ra + Kyle guitars, Axel drums, and then I lost the ability to write. Set 4 may have had Z-Bass + Jimmy D drumming; the rest (?) is a mystery...3-17-11, St. Paddy's Blues Jam; set 1 was Z-Bass, (house guitarist tonight--kick ass) Brian Chevalier + Ri guitars, Scotty B harp, JP, Jimmy D drums. set 2 was Z-Bass, (I personally organized for) Jimmy B + Ro on guitars, with Mark the Harp, and Lenny on drums. Val sang 1. Set 3; set up for me me me me as Russ on bass, Brian C. + Morgan(!) on guitars, Janie on sax, JP, Axel drums. Mustang Sally. During this 3rd set, Max shows up--yeah, baby! So the 4th set is Z-Bass, Brian C. + Max on guitars, Janie on sax, JP, Jimmy D drums. What a night!..3-24-11 Blues Jam: set 1; Z-Bass, Brian C. + Ra guitars, JP on keys, Cheeseburger Clark drums. 2 was T-Mart bass, Ed + Ra guitars, Mark the Harp, Lenny drums (Axel sang 'Back to Memphis'). 3 was Z-Bass, Ra + Kyle on guitars, Janie sax, JP, Mark the Harp joined late, dumped Clark so Axel could drum. 4 was Z-Bass, Max + Ra on guitars, Axel drums. It was fun--I took lots of pictures...3-31-11; had so much fun that I left my camera there! No John, and no Ra! set 1 was Z-Bass, Brian C. + Ri guitars, Jimmy D drums. Brian led Honky Tonk Woman. 2 was T-Mart bass, Brian C. + Eppi on guitars, Mark the Harp, Lenny drums. 3 starts as Russ bass, Brian C. + Jeff on guitars, Mark the Harp, Jimmy D drums. Then Axel replaces Jimmy on drums. "Fire" was brilliant! Set 4 was Z-Bass, Brian C. + Max guitars, Jimmy D drums. The only thing better than having Brian Chevalier play at my Blues Jam is...wait for it...having Brian Chevalier play ALL FOUR sets of my Blues Jam! Sweet!

My trials and trib.s as a critical believer in the concept of God: God is not sure anymore.

What's different here than in college town: Eugene has the highest number of coffee house crossword-puzzlers in the country...There ain't no 'Stone Mountain' soda back in Jaw-ja, but out here there IS Crater Lake soda, and it's good!..

What's different here than dumbass Arizona: Dustin Weber is the Oregon guy (from Bend) who got washed out to sea from Crescent City, CA while looking at the Japanese tsunami waves hit the west coast. I have so many comments, but will keep them to myself...Sunday 3-13-11 we had big winds all over the state. Many people, some in this county, are still without power 4 days later. It was national news...

How Does Your Garden Grow? (Tales from our community garden plot): Nothing. We've got to get back there and plant some stuff!

Life with Static Girl: Remember; we hold hands all the time/everywhere we walk. Advice from my Men's Health subscription: "Holding hands can work as an aphrodisiac. It shows her you're devoted and proud to tell the world." Yeah; that's good stuff...She did her ninja/stealth/alien thing and snuck up on me while I was cleaning the downstairs bathroom. And it was innocent/I was quiet--I was NOT talking to myself/NOT waving my arms around and ranting in different voices. That's maybe...the first time in 13 years that she's snuck up on me and I was NOT verbalizing something. Wow. And then, the next day, she caught me again, NOT talking to myself. She said 'Maybe you don't talk to yourself anymore.' Luckily, on the next day, she caught me waving, and totally talking to myself in at least 3 voices. Good...New dishwashing rack! It was her idea; the old one was definitely a germ orgy...Static Girl does not like my soy protein breakfast smoothies. All of those good, healthy ingredients are completely for nought. She will not be swayed...On 3-16 I picked her up and we went to Petsmart. Then she offered to treat me to a Ring of Fire dinner. It was a wonderful event; we were the only people at the restaurant for awhile...She worked overtime on a Saturday. She said that she made $18 an hour for a few hours. So she could have "bought a new hardback book" for every hour she worked after 9:30 am. Books; that's how she anticipates funding. Wow--we are very different sometimes...Saw a new picture of Pink; her current haircut is a direct copy of Static Girl's...3-23-11; Static Girl started to get sick. But we nipped it early with good food and lots of sleep...

My FCP has this for me: She's a busy woman. She shoots me the occasional e-mail, and casts a devious stare in my direction. I appreciate that.

Comments From The Peanut Gallery: Some reports say that we went to war with Libya on 3-18-11. Have you heard of this? Yes; but not until days later...ON THE NEWS! A breast-milk doll for little girls; seriously. And; Radio Shack wants to give away guns with some purchase of something. I wish I was making both of these up; I am not.

A thought to take with you: Since hangovers last all day now, and because I'm old, the thought is "Hangovers: they're not just for breakfast anymore."

Justin Bieber is the 16 yr. old version of those 10 yr. old boys that the teachers were kidnapping and taking out of the country to marry. Yawn.

real Oregon Bumper Sticker: "Boobies!"

Band names: "Japanese Tsunami Water", "Germ Orgy", "Uncles with Needles" (good story),
"Big Tasty Mess"--Static Girl,
"Unforced Error"--Daily Show,





SIDEBAR 145

May 2011


(...last month we were...)


Reading: My comedy-writing book is great!..Ooo; I heard about this book "The China Study"; it's all about food, inside and out. More (actual) proof that the American diet is lethal...

Watching: Free Radio episodes at VH1 online...My Dish Network DVR started dying on 4-25-11. Me not happy. We should get a new DVR on 4-30-11...We did, and it's hooked up. Yay us, and free Cinemax for a month; cool.

Class Projects: Castle, Oregon Art Beats, House, Bones; we may togetherly watch some of this new Drew Carey Improv show that starts/started 4-11-11...On 4-23-11...wait for it...The new Dr. Who comes back!

movies together: nothing

Shit I watch alone: I went to see a SUCKER PUNCH matinee alone on 4-5-11; only 5 total people in the theater. I went for the music, which was smart, because it wasn't much of a movie (it was pretty much just a 90-minute music video)...It's not just hockey; it's PLAYOFF hockey!..America: Freedom to Fascism-Full Length Documentary (You Tube)...Cougar Town is back!...
I WILL watch "Workaholics" on Comedy Central (it's decent)...

Comedians: Chris Spencer, Doug Benson, Tony Roberts, + many other deleted short sets from Comedy Central, Hal Sparks "Charmageddon" (again), Dennis Miller "The Big Speech", Colin Quinn "Long Story Short", "American: The Bill Hicks Story" (from Xfinity on Demand), "Bridging The Gap", Pauly Shore Presents, "Fierce Funny Women", HBO's "Talking Funny", a Jon Lovitz Presents special, Nick Swardson, Nick Griffin, + "The High Road" with Doug Benson.

Crappy cable movies: (Michael Moore's) "Capitalism: A Love Story", "The Taking of Pelham 123",

Play it Again's: "Tin Cup",

Watching and Hearing: It's not like a quick blurb for less than 2 seconds that you have to nail down--like I did with the 30 yr. old U2 in last year's World Cup promo's, okay? When the entire GMC truck commercial rides on the same weak Collective Soul loop--that's just sad; and sadly, 'the world I know'...You Tubin'; some Richie Jackson skateboard videos; (songs) "Do It With Madonna"--the Androids (always loved the song--never saw the video), (lots of Sucker Punch stuff) "Panic Switch"--Silversun Pickups, Lords of Acid, Bjork/Skunk Anansie, Queen/Armageddon, etc., I even found some old 80's Newcleus, Russ Ballard + Billy Thorpe; saw Elton on SNL, Foo Fighters on a 2009 Austin City Limits, then Foo on SNL, and more Foo on the Daily show, and next day Foo on Letterman (Foo is everywhere!). "Back and Forth" is the name of the new Foo Fighter's documentary--I want to see that!..I am not yet, maybe, but soon will be a You Tube junkie!..

I have enjoyed my Sucker Punch soundtrack bands' research!

Should I be proud, or in pain, that new Foo is used on Sportscenter?..


Hearing: Too much to list here; new Foo, new Volbeat, old Garbage, etc.

New on the radio; Sunday April 10th is/was a Foo radio documentary that I will miss between poker and comedy; boo. But; there's new Foo on the radio--"Rope" last month, and "Walk" this month...What do we know about Hollywood Undead? They have a new CD out...Is there really new Steve Miller out there?..New Neon Trees "Your Surrender" is nice...New Steve Earle is out...

Musical Purchases this month from the Tom Tucker discount wall at Skip's Records And CDWorld; my future place of employment, and permanent Barbie Dream Home: New Foo waits for me patiently...Wow. Skip sent me an e-mail reminder that the new Foo was only $10 for the first week. So I made sure to win $10 in a cash poker game, and I got me the new Foo "Wasting Light" on 4-12-11; it's good!..4-16-11 is 'Indie Record Store' Day across the country. CDWorld will have live music all day long...

Out and About: REM at the mall (Sucker Punch day), Wallflowers + Sheryl Crow at Bi-Mart, Dire Straits and The Sundays at Burger King,

Singing: "Semi-Charmed Life"--Third Eye Blind, "Panic Switch"--Silversun Pickups, "Seeing Red"--Unwritten Law, "Green Is The Colour"--Pink Floyd (I LOVE You Tube!), "Gone Away"--Offspring, "Right Where It Belongs"--NIN, "You Shook Me"--Led Zeppelin, "It's All Over But The Crying"--Garbage

What I want today: I want the 15 lb. hand weights to do my exercise walks with! And; I'm wearing out my leg weights (time for duct tape); I may have to get newer ones...I want an orally-fixated, top-heavy, flexible woman with pretty feet...

New stuff this month or so: left-winger T. J. Galiardi sits atop my Avalanche calender...It is possible that Foo Fighters are the biggest band in the world; yes, worldwide, making them (again, possibly) the BIGGEST BAND EVER--I just wanted to point that out...Saturday Market opens back up on 4-2-11; maybe we'll go! (No.)...(Next month:) A Perfect Circle tours in May; Slayer + Rob Zombie tour this Summer, also Soundgarden's first tour in 15 years!..Wait; is Hollyweird re-making "Arthur" from 1982? Why?..In June; the Moody Blues, Jethro Tull, and RUSH are coming to town. Wow...Oregon cheerleading tryouts began on 4-13-11...4-16-11; The Cascade Medical Team is doing some free medical stuff for Eugene people who have no health insurance, including teeth cleanings. Well, I went; no teeth cleanings. Oh well...The "Portland Timbers" soccer team started up; good for them...Glenn Beck's show is being cancelled, finally...Speaking of being cancelled; One Life to Live + All My Children are gone; and the 3 major online poker sites are also gone...When did a Whopper go up to $3.49; and a BK Chicken sandwich become $3.79? No wonder I don't eat fast food anymore!..

This Month of bargain-shopping (Dollar Tree, Cash King, Big Lots, etc.): more incense,

Occupational Hazards: Ha! I am amusing. I don't ever want to work again. Fuck work. Fuck the people who say that 'having a job' is important. A "job" is a piece of shit, old-as-dirt idea from the 70's. My DaD eventually worked freelance--he was on to something. How important is "work" on this crumbling planet? I say; "not very"...

Personal shit for my own memory banks this month: My big $50 poker tournament was 4-10-11; I took 2nd place. Then I went and had a decent set at open-mike comedy, too. Just wait until the comedy "stage" no longer terrifies me; it took about a year to get comfortable with radio...I've added some punching exercises, with my hand weights, to the daily exercise walks...4-13-11; big day! I had a 'punch up' session with my comedy mentor, saw new Bill Hicks, and got checked out by women!..I learned about Leigh Anne Jasheway, a comedienne who teaches a comedy course here at the community college...It's new, and personal, too! Bar drama; my favorite bartender is leaving my favorite bar. Details later...4-14-11? Around here I got a new contact through The Compassion Center; cool...I'm going to need a bigger comedy notebook; that's good, right?..4-19-11 I got me a new toy to use on 4-20. Then on 4-20-11, I got me some new "product" for my new toy. Look at me--gettin' stuff done! So on 4-20, I was home, after comedy, before midnight, doing new bong hits--of new pot. Thank you...4-21-11; got me an appointment to get my teeth evaluated on 4-27. Yay me. Also; somewhere in this deluge of 4-20 madness, I started drinking Voltage Mountain Dew right out of the 2-litre bottle again. Go me!..4-24-11; I MISSED open-mike comedy (boo), because...wait for it...I was busy WINNING my own poker tournament (yay)!..4-29-11; I "celebrated" 3 years of being unemployed...4-30; my right arm is hurting badly. Boo...

Pinball and Golden Tee stuff: I LOVE pinball, and I can play Golden Tee. But I'm beginning to wonder just HOW important these distractions really are...Portland is having a huge pinball tournament this month at Ground Kontrol. That's nice...

Grammar: I saw the word "commitment" spelled 2 different ways on 2 different news/entertainment sites. The question is: does the word have 3 "t"'s, or just 2? The vision in my head was of the word "committing", with the 2 "t"'s together, so I sincerely felt that the 'committment' in question had 3. "3" was my guess. WRONG! "Commitment" only has 2 "t"'s. So I've been misspelling it for 30+ years. Look at me--learning new corrections!..Bonus note; I asked my girlfriend how SHE would spell it, and her immediate reaction was also to have 3 "t"'s--so we're all dumb around here!..

New foods this month: 4-1-11 Pizza Friday was "Banana-cado". I LOVED it; she thought it was 'okay'...4-6-11; Soup Wednesday was yummy basic bean + barley...4-8 pizza was the best standard pizza ever! (I'm getting better at it!)...4-15-11 Pizza Friday made to the new Foo (Boo loves the new Foo); 4-22-11 Pizza Friday added broccoli! Now IT was the best ever!...4-29 Pizza Friday had NO celery, and NO olives; just mushroom + broccoli. It was still great!..

This month of Blues Jamming: 4-7-11; set 1; Z-Bass, Ri + Ra on guitars, Scotty B on harp, JP, Jimmy D drums. 2 was T-Mart on bass, Ra + Ro on guitars, Mark the Harp, Lenny drums. 3 was Z-Bass, Jeff E. + Kyle on guitars, (new, White) Billy on harp, Cheeseburger Clark drums. 4 was Z-Bass, Jeff + Max on guitars, JP, Axel drums. BONUS Blues Jam; Friday 4-8-11, Heavy Chevy at Mac's; Brian Chevalier leads, Janie Smith on sax, Fred on bass, Julian drums. Nice! Good pictures, too. BONUS Jam! 4-9-11; Highwater at the Overtime: Nate, Josh, Kyle, and Rai Wheat on the stand-up bass put on another fantastic show! These guys are good! And there's drama!..4-14-11 Blues Jam; more drama everywhere! Set 1 was Z-Bass, Ra + Ri guitars, Scotty B harp, JP in + out, Lenny drums. 2 was Russ Whitlatch on bass, Brian C + Morgan Cagle on guitars, Mark the Harp, Jimmy D drums. 3 was T-Mart on bass, Ri + Kyle on guitars, Fiddler Bob, (new) Les Wolf drums. 4 was Rai Wheat on bass, Max L. + Jeff E. on guitars, Axel drums. Good show--lots of pictures!..4-21-11 (Our 4-20 Blues Jam), set 1 was Z-Bass, Ra + Ri on guitars, Scotty B harp, JP, Jimmy D drums. 2 was T-Mart bass, Brian C + Ro guitars, Mark the Harp, JP, Lenny Perkins drums. 3 was Z-Bass, Morgan + Kyle on guitars, who drums? Set 4 had 8 people onstage; T-Mart, Max + Jeff + Ra on 3 guitars, (regular Black) Billy on harp, Janie sax, JP, Axel drums...4-28-11; 2 Jams? Maybe? Yes; it starts at the Whiskey River, because their guest tonight is Brian Chevalier. The house band begins; it's Bill Shreve on bass/vocals (his son, Hank, had to go play a Ty Curtis band gig tonight), so (instead of Hank) it was Skip Jones on keyboards/vocals, Tim Donahue on drums, and Stan Welch (in and out) on guitar when he's not running the sound board. It's a showcase that centers on the dance floor, NOT the music. Set 2 adds Brian Chevalier on guitar/vocals, and he tore that place up. Most of THOSE people had not seen guitars played like that; they were blown away, but it was just another day at the office for me--running around and trying to take pictures. Whiskey River SUCKS ASS for pictures; I took 50, and maybe have 3 workable photos. Boo. Then it's a sober race back to Blues Jam at the Overtime! I missed a pretty standard first 2 sets; Z-Bass (1)+ T-Mart (2), Ri + Ra (1), then Ra + Morgan (2) on guitars, JP in + out, tenor sax (?) set 1, Mark the Harp set 2, Jimmy D (1) and Lenny (2) drummed. I was there for half of set 3; Z-Bass, Jeff E. on 1 guitar, while Horn Boy Jeff made a brief appearance, JP, and Axel drums. Jeff E. pulled off "Layla" fairly well. 4 was T-Mart bass, Max + Ra guitars, JP, + JImmy D drums.

My trials and trib.s as a critical believer in the concept of God: God's going to help me write some comedy. HE doesn't know it yet...

What's different here than in college town: The U of O won the CBI basketball title; yay...Oregon has now outlawed fake cannabis. I don't even know what fake cannabis is, and I USED to be really connected and stuff...Noam Chomsky will speak in town on 4-20-11 at the U of O; sorry, but I'll be at an Oak St. Speakeasy comedy show...The UO Chamber Choir placed first in some judging thing. Yay them...The U. S. Attorney for Oregon called the state's medical marijuana program a "trainwreck"...

What's different here than dumbass Arizona: In March 2011, the city of Eugene had some measurable rainfall everyday, and THAT is impressive...Oregon and Vermont are trying to try out single-payer healthcare...4-6-11 Weather; it's cloudy and drizzly. Then the clouds break (rain stops), so I go to take my exercise walk. 5 minutes into the walk, it gets dark, and rice-sized hail starts pounding everything. Then the hail stops. Clouds break again; and the sun almost comes out. 5 minutes later it's dark, and raining again--as I get back home. That's a lot of weather in a 25 minute walk...Back in Phoenix, the sheriff's office has been inappropriately spending $100 million in funds over the last 8 years. Good for them...End of the April month; Oregon is giving a little more unemployment to the losers who've been unemployed since 2008. Yay us!..

How Does Your Garden Grow? (Tales from our community garden plot): We bought some seeds--that's a start...We planted some peas on 4-2-11...We went and dug a little more on 4-24, too. We should be more motivated...

Life with Static Girl: I wrote a joke for her; I say 'I'm getting tired of your apathetic attitude, young lady. How does that make you feel?' And she quickly shrugs her shoulders (ha). I like incorporating her into my comedy. I may do some 'vegan' comedy next!..I NEVER get sick of her, because there's nothing to get sick of. She does not annoy anybody, ever. However; it has been made clear that she DOES get sick of me--and often! I DO annoy her. I need to remember to give her lots of space--especially on the days when she's expecting it. I'll do better...I am CRAZY about my girlfriend, and I DON'T want to annoy her...She is SO sick (annoyed) of hearing "Panic Switch" by Silversun Pickups. It's like I play that song 50 times a day. Oh wait; I do...SHE is the PERFECT Oergon girlfriend! She's gloomy most of the time, and off in her own little tortured, bored, frustrated world--no wonder she loves it here!..We have a new hot pink post-it note pad on which to leave our little cutesy "like" notes to each other...She almost went into shock when our house ran out of tater tots; me, too. I had never let that happen before. Bad W C!...She leaves me the 'ends' of her Static Girl bread loaves because she knows I love them. I like it when I go to make a sandwich, and there are 2 end pieces waiting for me...4-24-11; after a short garden trip, I got my little vegan cupcake a little vegan cupcake...

My FCP has this for me: "I want an orally-fixated, top-heavy, flexible woman with pretty feet..." Hey; that sounds a LOT like my FCP--I know what I want!..

Comments From The Peanut Gallery: Transocean, the company who brought you the Deepwater oil spill, is paying out record bonuses for 2010. Nice...CEO pay increased 27% in 2010, while worker pay dropped across the board...There are 104 nuclear plants in the U. S., and 24 of them are painfully similar to the Fukushima plant...The Winklevoss twins lost their Facebook appeal; they'll have to survive on just $200 Million...Super rich see federal taxes drop dramatically, and half of U. S. households pay zero income tax...

A thought to take with you: AA says to 'quit hanging out with drunks'. Okay. I guess they mean EXCEPT for here at AA, right? 'Coz there ain't nothin' but stupid drunks in this place.

Band names: Kidney Bean-Stalker,





SIDEBAR 146

June 2011


(...last month we were...)


Reading: The May issue of "Wired" magazine. It's her subscription, but I'M reading it--Static Girl won't touch the 'humor' issue...Have you heard of this Robert Fogel book "The Changing Body: Health, Nutrition, and Human Development in the Western World Since 1700"? From 1850 to 1980, the average adult American male grew 3 inches (to 5 ft. 10), gained 30 lbs. (to 175), and incresed his lifespan 30 years (to age 75). This sucks...

Watching: I want to see the movie ďPaulĒ, with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost...

Class Projects: Dr. Who, House, Bones, Castle, Criminal Minds,

movies together: "Serenity",

Shit I watch alone: "Inside Job"; it's more depressing than I thought!..Aqua Unit Patrol Squad is okay,

Comedians: Frank Santorelli, Wyatt Cenac "Comedy Peson", Finesse Mitchell, Ricky Gervais 2010, Pete Holmes, Mike Vecchione, Jessi Klein, Amy Schumer,

Live Comedy Shows: 5-14-11 @ Eldorado, Franky Boy's Comedy Explosion 2.0 (C X 2.0)--Cole Edgely, Andy Schanz, Patrick Thomas Perkins, Bri Pruett, a feature set by Jimmy Newstetter, and headliner - Tristian Spillman...5-28-11 @ Eldorado; Eugene's first ever all-female comedy show.

Crappy cable movies: "Whip It", "Salt", "The Other Guys", "XXX", "The Tourist",

Play it Again's: "The Bourne Identity", "Thirteen", "Fast Times At Ridgemont High",

Watching and Hearing: NIN in the back of a "Criminal Minds" episode; Rusted Root gets ripped in an Enterprise commercial; and, only by looking for it (because I don't watch hardly any live tv or commercials at home) I FINALLY saw the Weber grill ad with the Open Sky jingle 'You Light Me Up' (it's good)...'Supermassive' Muse in the 5-21-11 Dr. Who...

Hearing: Tons of Blink 182.

New on the radio; many last month--new Rise Against "Help Is On The Way" is great, new Beastie Boys is good, new Sixx AM is also good, Red Light Kings have redone Neil Young (ehhh), new Three Days Grace and new Neon Trees are both okay. That's a lot that I missed last month!..THIS month has new Moby, new Against Me, new Beastie Boys, the Cars reuniting, new Steve Miller, and new Hank III "Hilbilly Joker". And, hey! Stevie Nicks has her first new CD out in 10 years, with at least one song from the early 70's!..Heard some good new Incubus on 5-31-11.

Musical Purchases this month from the Tom Tucker discount wall at Skip's Records And CDWorld; my future place of employment, and permanent Barbie Dream Home: Dude; let me win some $ first...

Out and About: Toad The Wet Sprocket at Carl's Jr., Wang Chung at Albertson's, Lionel Ritchie at Fred Meyer, and then I heard it: Modest Mouse's "Doin' The Cockroach" on the GREAT internet music service at Diablo's (pre-comedy show) on 5-7-11--I was jumping around like a college kid; it was the FIRST time I'd EVER heard that song on something other than my own stereo!..(Static Girl Birthday music) A Jack Johnson CD at Ring of Fire, a Bob Dylan CD at The Divine Cupcake...Smashmouth and Train at Albertson's; OMD at Fred Meyer...Bon Jovi + Counting Crows at Fred Meyer; 311's do-over of the Cure's "Lovesong" at Burger King (wow)...

Singing: "Connected"--Stereo MC's, "You Shook Me"--Led Zeppelin, "Runaway Train"--Soul Asylum, "Seeing Red"--Unwritten Law, "Everyday Is Exactly The Same"--NIN (Criminal Minds), "Doin' The Cockroach"--Modest Mouse (Diablo's, duh); I can't get either "Panic Switch" OR "Lazy Eye" (Silversun Pickups) out of my head. I broke into "It's All Over But The Crying"--Garbage, again...

What I want today: I want this current writer's block to end. Soon. Or else.

New stuff this month or so: Defenseman Kyle Quincey is the May 2011 Colorado Avalanche calender boy...5-1-11 was the Eugene Marathon...5-5-11 Cinco de Blues Jam; I found out that drummer Mack Singleton passed away last week, and then (after set 2) drummer Lenny blacked out/fell in the parking lot. Our drummers are dropping like flies!..Plus; there could be some Judgement Day on 5-21-11; so (please excuse me while) I'm going to eat some barbequed lasagna, chug some Mountain Dew, and watch/perform some comedy--this is how I roll. So; AFTER the world ends on 5-21-11, please go back and read the dated poetry and commentaries on this website, where I predicted all of this shit. Thank you...FINALLY, an article that says EXACTLY what I've been saying ALL along! It's a 2-minute read, so go read Itís Not a Deficit; Itís Robbery, and just shake your head like I do...

This Month of bargain-shopping (Dollar Tree, Cash King, Big Lots, etc.): dried onions, wraps, chopped garlic,

Occupational Hazards: Employment? How about a short-lived 'unemployment extension'?..

Personal shit for my own memory banks this month: My awesdome Response Gear "Delivery" boots need help!..I have been walking with weights at least 6 days per week, but not doing so many core exercises since mid-April. Sorry...I had the weirdest dream the Mother's Day night of 5-8-11 (BTW; Happy "Five Eight Day" everybody!). Obvious references to 'not living up to potential', on a huge indoor college campus with holes in the floor to fall through--to lower levels; hundreds of rooms with adventures in every one. I had my new backpack, and somebody took it, and I was going after it. There was a TON of actual, RIGHT NOW--FROM MY LIFE shit in this dream. I woke up, then fell back asleep, and went BACK into the same dream 2WICE--which is physically impossible, thank you. 2 days later, and I'm still pretty shook up...I got "sick" on Monday 5-16. Didn't die. Yay. Feeling a bit better on 5-18. 2.5 days left to live life full!..I did not walk during my "sick" week...I had an 'equipment failure' on a Friday; weird. But I was reincarnated by Monday; yay...Health concerns; my incredible girlfriend has suggested that I get back into taking vitamins everyday--she's smart...After getting sick last week, now I have developed a rash on my neck. The fun continues!..

Pinball and Golden Tee stuff: 5-7-11; new #1 score (337 mil.) on Spiderman pinball @ The Wetlands (SCT is Grand Champ, 389 mil.)...5-14-11; new Grand Champ (53 mil.) on Ripley's Believe It Or Not pinball @ Jackalope..."The Location" is to open soon in Eugene; vintage pinball and video games. Sweet!..

Grammar: Stop saying anything about 'going off the deep end'. There is NO going off the deep end--you cannot GO "off" the deep end. You can go INTO the deep end, and sink; right? And that would be bad; 'into the deep end' is simile to being 'thrown to the wolves'. If a person goes "off" of something, then that person is probably going 'off the rails'--like a train that's about to wreck. You would NOT say that a person is being thrown 'into the rails'; so DO NOT say that a person is going 'off the deep end'. Thank you.

New foods this month: Beer is food; my current favorite beer of all time, "Twilight" Summer Ale by Oregon's Deschutes brewery, is (was) back at my favorite current bar (apparently I drank both kegs in 2 weeks; oops). As you may, or may not know; my favorite beer, and favorite bar, could be changing soon. It's complicated..."Vegan Wacky Machoroni"; it was YEARS in the making, but came to light on Friday 5-13-11, and my girlfriend LOVED it!..Rice pilaf with crumbles and peas becomes Crumbly Green Pilaf rice...

This month of Blues Jamming: Cinco de Blues Jam, 2011! set 1 was Z-Bass, Ri + Ra on guitars, JP, Jimmy D drums. 2 was T-Mart on bass, Brian Chevalier + Natty Bump on guitars, Mark the Harp, Lenny drums. 3 was Z-Bass, Kyle + Ra guitars, Billy Elias on harp, Jimmy D drums, Eppi sings! (During this 3rd set is when Lenny passed out + fell in the parking lot, and the parameds came. Lenny is still in the hospital Friday--but recovering.) 4 was Z-Bass, Max + Ra on guitars, Billy E on harp (again), Jimmy D drums...5-12-11; set 1 was Z-Bass, Ri + Ra on guitars, JP, Jimmy D drums (all 4 sets), Val sang 1. Set 2 was T-Mart bass, Morgan + Ra on guitars, Mark the Harp, JD drums. Set 3 was Z-Bass, Ro + Ra guitars, JD drums. 4 was T-Mart, Max + Ri guitars, JP, JD drums...5-19-11; I missed due to personal sickness. I also missed bonus shows on 5-20; oh well. Bonus Jam; 5-21-11 (the world ending show of:) Highwater at the Eldorado! That's Rai, Nate, Josh and Kyle, with no drummer. Wow. These guys are good!..5-26-11 Blues Jam; not much new here, and I drank rum--a shitload of rum; 'pirates' were saying that I drank a lot of rum, so I can barely read my writing. Fiddler Bob played the 2nd set. Max played sets 3 + 4, maybe. Good luck reading those scribbles--I should have been a doctor, with writing that bad. Yeah; a rum-swilling, pirate doctor. Career advice. Hey MoM!..

My trials and trib.s as a critical believer in the concept of God: Nope. I haven't talked to God in weeks.

What's different here than in college town: The Eugene Weekly won 14 awards for content. I do not know how many the Flagpole won this year...UO GETS BIKE SILVER AWARD, whatever that means.

What's different here than dumbass Arizona: Similar; Arizona is trying out medical marijuana...The Oregon Vagabond newspaper is contributed to, and sold by, Oregon's homeless; a brilliant idea.

How Does Your Garden Grow? (Tales from our community garden plot): We went and did some work on 5-1-11; not much. Oh well. Neither one of us is super-motivated...We went up there and looked around on 5-13-11. So?..

Life with Static Girl: This is her birthday month. She deserves to be SUPER-appreciated!..She got a Kindle; that's good, right?..After I got sick on 5-16-11, I got her sick on 5-19. It sucks when we are sick together...

My FCP has this for me: She's still kicking butt in Ohio, and she still wants me!

Comments From The Peanut Gallery: Osama Bin Laden died on 5-1-11 apparently. He will be missed (by our government)...Oregon State Attorney Dwight Holten called the OMMP a "trainwreck". I disagreed, onstage...Exxon only profited $11 billion in 2010; awww...Texas is allowing guns in classrooms now...$14,380,651,859,526. THAT'S the U. S. debt right now...Outsourcing goes full circle as Indian firms look to the U.S. for cheap labour...5-31-11; the World Health Organization has concluded that cell phones may cause cancer. Follow-up; a team of experts has concluded that cell phones may be carcinogenic. "May be"...

A thought to take with you: "I have never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure."--Mark Twain

'In the dark, all cats are gray.'--Ben Franklin

Where in the world is Carmen Monoxide poisoning?

Band names: "Clif Bar Dinner", "Storage Unit", "Contaminagious", "Facebook Bullies", "Recovering Catholics", "Crystal Methodist Church",

"Micropenis"--Southpark,

REAL Oregon band: "Slow Children",

Oregon Bumper stickers: "Be Kind To Animals / Don't Eat Them!", and "Gas Sucks / Ride a Bike"





SIDEBAR 147

July 2011


(...last month we were...)


Reading: I have 2 library books, and more issues of Men's Health magazine than I can finish.

Watching: New 'Countdown with Keith' on Current Tv started 6-20-11. It was/is/will continue to be probably the best news show ever...Franklin and Bash is really funny...

Class Projects: Oregon Art Beats, NOVA, House, Drew Carey's Improv show from the Las Vegas MGM Grand is EXCELLENT!,

movies together: none

Shit I watch alone: I watch tv alone. The Soup, Web Soup, Tosh.0, Countdown, PTI,

Comedians: (Live shows:) 6-4-11; Lonnie Bruhn headlined the Sat. Laughing Lounge show downstairs. Seth hosted, Chris Castles, Andy Andrist, Don Frost, then Lonnie. Fantastic show; Don + Seth gave me great writing advice!..

Crappy cable movies:

Play it Again's: American History X,

Watching and Hearing: You Tubin'! Garbage B-sides, tons of Bill Hicks/Ron Shock, Silversun Pickups, All American Rejects,

Hearing: the first 2 Angels + Airwaves CD's (I don't own "Love" yet), God Lives Underwater "Empty", Volbeat "Guitar Gangsters...",

New on the radio; I'm not even listening intently anymore.

Musical Purchases this month from the Tom Tucker discount wall at Skip's Records And CDWorld; my future place of employment, and permanent Barbie Dream Home: I didn't go, but Flogging Molly was at CDWorld on 6-1-11, right before their show at the McDonald Theater that night...

Out and About: Spin and Gin at Fred Meyer.

Singing: "Ballroom Blitz"--Sweet, "Pina Colada"--Rupert Holmes, "Hey Hey My My"--Neil Young, "Big Bad Bill"--Van Halen, "Ready To Go"--Republica, "Nobody's Fault But Mine"--Led Zeppelin, "Another Heart Calls" + "Swing Swing"--All American Rejects,

What I want today: Seriously; this writer's block needs to go away...Okay--I can work around the writer's block...Yeah; Go writer's block, and take the gout with you!..And the new metaphor for 'kicking a tire' is to go 'bowling'. I like it! I want to go 'bowling' almost everyday!..I want new leg weights, and some new headphones. Ooo; adjustable hand weights look nice, too...

New stuff this month or so: 20 yr. old Matt Duchene tops my Colorado Avalanche calender for June...Is there ANOTHER Transformers movie coming out? Why?..Summer started 6-21; so?..

This Month of bargain-shopping (Dollar Tree, Cash King, Big Lots, etc.): wraps, garlic, candles,

Occupational Hazards: I don't miss working.

Personal shit for my own memory banks this month: Yeah, fuck it. I am DONE with people. It's time to start the thinning...6-5-11, Sunday night sober. After going to open-mike comedy, and doing okay at it, I stayed up all night (in my underwear and socks) writing! I haven't stayed up all night writing in years. Goodbye writer's block!..Okay (6-2-11 to 6-8-11); I WANT to exercise. And maybe I'll need to devise some improvisation here, because I simply cannot go out and powerwalk with my foot-gout swollen + stinging like this. Sorry...But on 6-9-11, I am back--almost zero gout pain! Went and saw Cirque Du Soleil with my girlfriend. Nice...6-10-11; a physical for me. 196 lbs. sucks, but my health overall is okay. Exercise kicking back in will get the weight back down a bit...6-11-11; I shaved my own head. It's part of my new awakening...6-13, back to working out again...6-15-11, Wednesday; I "discovered" the 'shootout' poker tournaments on Facebook poker. I have played about 15 hours of it in 3 days; been to the 2nd round about 15 times, and the 3rd round twice. That's pretty good, and it's REALLY helping me with my tournament play...6-19; took 3rd place in my own BIG poker tournament, which is okay. But then I crashed and burned BADLY at open-mike comedy. I'm depressed and I need help...6-20; Long exercise walk, full low-scale workout, and a bike ride to the library to check out 2 more comedy books. Maybe this will help...6-21; my gardener checked in with me. She has sweet crops!..I signed up for a comedy workshop in mid-July...6-25; I took 2nd place in a pinball tourney, then (next day) 6-26-11, took 2nd place in my own poker tournament...My new "toy" from 4-19-11 dropped and broke in the parking lot. Oh well...After discovering Zynga "Shootout" poker on Facebook 6-15, on 6-29-11, late night (2 am) I won round 3 of the Shootout poker tournament on Facebook (and posted it) "Wc won 500000 chips by winning all 3 rounds of the Zynga Poker Shootout Tournament." I am the FIRST of any people I know to have done so (it took 7 games of round 3 to win it)...I may have a new leg-exercise device; stay tuned...

Pinball and Golden Tee stuff: MY GT handicap dances between +13 and +14; I am not as more gooder as I used to be...PS2 William's Collection pinball update; When I turn over Black Knight pinball (10 million) while still on ball 1, I have to just let the game go. My hands/thumbs hurt too much. I've done it 2wice now...Eugene has a pinball blog now; no, I don't know where it is...I'm signed up for a pinball tournament (Whitflip 2011) on 6-25-11. And I made the finals! Of 24 total players, I came in 2nd place. Yay!..

Grammar: I know a community college Journalism teacher who has a website that I go to. I can talk about her because she doesn't come to my website. But EVERY page of her website has type-o's of some kind. VERY FEW of my pages have any problems at all--and I'm a college flunk-out. Just sayin'.

New foods this month: Quinoa w/mushrooms + peas; yum!..Quick-turn pizza; in just over an hour I can create a fine pie!..Quinoa with carrots and peas is up next. Yum!..Quinoa with sauteed mushrooms is great!..I have micro-sauteed mushrooms and onions now; nice!..

This month of Blues Jamming: 6-2-11 Blues Jam; 5 sets, and drama! 1 was Z-Bass, Ra on 1 guitar, + Jimmy D drums. JP came in late. 2 was Z-Bass, Ed + Ra on guitars, Mark the Harp, JP, and Golfshoes started drumming. Then Golfshoes got kicked offstage, and Jimmy D finished. 3 was Ed on bass, Ra on 1 guitar, JP was MIA until the 3rd song (?), Greg drums. 4 was Ed bass, Ra, JP, and Axel drums! Mustang Sally (Axel twirled his sticks for me!). Short set, so 5 was Z-Bass, Max + Ra guitars, JP, JImmy D drums. I drank substantially less rum tonight; yay me...6-9-11 I missed for Cirque de Solei "Dralion". I'll try not to sleep through the whole thing...6-16-11; 1 was (rockin' fast) Z-Bass, Brian C. + Ra on guitars, Michael Johnson on harp, JP, Jimmy D drums. 2 was T-Mart bass, Jimmy B + Ra on guitars, Mark the Harp, Lenny drummed for 2 songs (Excellent job for a man still in recovery!), then Jimmy finished drumming; Sax Janie showed up toward the end of set 2. 3 was Russ W. on bass, Brian C. + Ed on guitars, Janie on sax, JP, Jimmy D drums. 4 was Z-Bass, Max + Ra on guitars, JP, Jimmy D drums (the only full-time drummer tonight)...6-23-11; 1 was Z-Bass, Ra + Ri on guitars, JP, Jimmy D drums. 2 was T-Mart bass, Jeff E. + Ed on guitars, Mark the Harp, Lenny drums (at 85%, he is green-lit for full sets again); Val sang 1. In between sets, Jenny sang 'Mercedes Benz' well. 3 was Russ W. bass, Jimmy B + Roger G on guitars, Greg drums. 4 was T-Mart, Max + Doug on guitars, JP, Jimmy D drums. Dave Cooper guitars? 6-30-11; I stayed home; no comedy, no Blues Jam, nothing. In fact, I went to bed at 8:30 pm.

My trials and trib.s as a critical believer in the concept of God: God no longer pays attention.

What's different here than in college town: A football player here, who already had multiple speed-driving infractions, rented a car and got caught going 118 mph. This would NOT have happened in GA (some booster would have just GIVEN him a car there)...

What's different here than dumbass Arizona: I just don't care enough to check anymore.

How Does Your Garden Grow? (Tales from our community garden plot): We planted stuff (peas, beans, basil, a hot pepper), and removed most of the cardboard.

Life with Static Girl: I took her to Chocolate Decadence on a Friday (6-3-11) and bought her lots of good stuff. The theme was: I can be a better boyfriend...Life is good; she puts up with all my whining about gout and writer's block, and she still likes me!..Long overdue praise; for years I have been meaning to mention this: There are NO 'celebration dates' in our relationship; no "anniversaries" to keep track of; none. She and I MET in '97, and we started our relationship in '98. Dates of importance? Her birthday is in early May; mine is in early August. There're your dates of importance. We have no first-date, first-kiss, or first-night together crap to worry about, and it's nice!..On a similar note; I'll ask her if she remembers such-and-such about something that happened more than 6 months ago, and she just shakes her head 'no'. I AM the luckiest man alive...MY girlfriend makes my head happy. Most other girls make my head hurt...When either of us has a bad day, the other is always there for some amount of support. I REALLY appreciate that!..Around 6-20, she kicked her bicycle and hurt her foot, or something. Poor thing is limping all around; I will carry her/pick her up wherever she needs to go--whenever she needs to go there...

My FCP has this for me: It would appear that my FCP also wants to be my DLS, and I am good with that! GOOD with that, I am...

Comments From The Peanut Gallery: (Last month?) Washington schools ban e-cigarettes (battery-operated devices that look like cigarettes and pull vapors from nicotine-soaked replaceable cartridges). WTF?..(Jun 20 16:29) NC man robs bank for one dollar so he can (go to jail and) get free medical care...

A thought to take with you: It is important to experience varying degrees of both success AND failure; that is what makes you well-rounded.--W. C. Davis

"You are only as strong as the table you dance on..........."--Facebook note

Oregon Bumper Stickers: "Pesticides Suck", and "Support Our Independents--Buy Local",

Band names: (mine) Anthony's Weiner, Angry Retards, Red Towel Sex, Day-Old Decaf, Virgin Mary Cum Stains,
Buckets of Blood (Joe),

Real Oregon bands: In fact; Terry, one of the better (than me) open-mike comedian's bands is called "Game Over", and another local band is "Poison Control Center",





SIDEBAR 148

August 2011


(...last month we were...)


Reading: "Yoga For Your Funny Bone" by (Eugene's own) Leigh Anne Jasheway, and "And Here's The Kicker" (conversations with 21 top humor writers on their craft) by Mike Sacks. I will read other comedy books, poker books, meditation books, and pinball books, as well.

Watching: PTI is taking a couple of weeks off, and so am I. I haven't watched much tv in July.

Class Projects: Improv-A-Ganza, The Daily Show, Oregon Art Beats, Warehouse 13,

movies together: none. I want her to watch The Social Network with me.

Shit I watch alone: Breaking Bad, Rescue Me, Franklin and Bash, Tosh.0,

Comedians: 7-16-11; Laughing Lounge Comedy. Charlie P., Joe Parra, Mark Saltveit...On tv, Eugene Mirman.

Crappy cable movies: no time for old movies, and hardly any time for online poker this month.

Play it Again's: The Social Network (2wice, it may end up being one of my favorite movies)),

Watching and Hearing: Collective Soul (in 3 commercials?) also in a Pennzoil spot now...

Hearing: Volbeat, Tool, GLU,

New on the radio; 311, Blink 182, Coldplay, Sublime with Rome, Staind, and The Red Hot Chili Peppers may have as many as 70 songs ready for recording!

Musical Purchases this month from the Tom Tucker discount wall at Skip's Records And CDWorld; my future place of employment, and permanent Barbie Dream Home:

Out and About: Gordon Lightfoot + Queen at Burger King.

Singing: "Highway 90"--Jane Jensen, "You Shook Me"--Led Zeppelin, "OK Nightmare"--Caviar, "My Favourite Game"--The Cardigans, "Stand By Me"--The Clash, "Had a Dream"--Roger Hodgson, "3 Strange Days"--School Of Fish

What I want today: I NEED some new Summer socks, and more shoes.

New stuff this month or so: I start July 2011 with my OFFICIAL Oregon Medical Marijuana Card. Suck it, bitches!..Center Ryan O'Reilly is my Avalanche calender boy...Widespread Panic played the Cuthbert July 6th. Me not go...Movies; Cowboys + Aliens, Captain America, and another Planet of the Apes movie.

This Month of bargain-shopping (Dollar Tree, Cash King, Big Lots, etc.): Antacids, burrito wraps, and a blank coffee mug to be drawn on with permanent marker by my girlfriend!..

Occupational Hazards: work, ha.

Personal shit for my own memory banks this month: Going to do more gooder at exercising, pokering, pinballing, and laugh-inducing this month. You'll see (ehhh)...7-12-11; 191 lbs., fully dressed, with jeans (nice)...7-16-11; went to my Comedy Class, downtown at LCC (I was the only male in the class)...7-26-11; with Mom's birthday $, I traded up from the 10 to the 15 lb. hex weights. Just like a year ago; that first triple-walk (today) was a killer!..My left foot is messed up. Some kind of weird arch pain; thanks for that...I did okay at improving this month, but not great. I will have a better August!..ALL of my free time has been spent pinballing at The Location.

Pinball and Golden Tee stuff: 7-16-11 at The Location; I am the first to finish the race on Pole Position, and I got both Grand Champs on Bride Of Pinbot pinball; regular 65 mil, Billionaire's Club 1.090...7-18-11; Bride of Pinbot, 1.105 in the Billionaire's Club (I was told that NOBODY would EVER beat the 1.075 Billionaire on the game; well, I beat it 2wice THIS month!)...7-22-11 The Location; I rolled over Strikes and Spares pinball 1,063,370; verified by Gavin. It was amazing...7-23-11; after Gavin's personal tutorial on Grand Lizard pinball, I was able to put up 2.5 mil, good enough for the #4 score...7-26-11; The Location, I am new Grand Champ on Star Trek pinball 1.404 bil, and signed up to referee in the pinball tournament from 3-5 pm on 8-6-11...7-29-11; The top 3 from Whitflip 2011 (Steve, me, + Darrin) played hours of mini-tournaments on different games! And, (All I really wanted...) The new high score on Strikes and Spares; 753 K (from 742 K) is MINE! I OWN Strikes and Spares...I finished the race, and scored 50,950 on Pole Position--that's apparently a good score.

Grammar: Okay--it's totally WRONG, but I like it..."proudernshit", which is short for "prouder than heck" about something. As in; "Don't it make you proudernshit to be an Americun?". Seriously; fuck it. I don't give a rat's ass anymore. Let's have some fun with this dying language, mmmkay?..

New foods this month: A new name for my non-alcoholic pepsi/orange juice drink; I called it "liquid shit". But a barkeep at Rennie's has already named it "bongwater", and I like that!..Hey! Static Girl tried using veggie juice instead of soy milk in a bread recipe; so we have 'Slightly Red V-8 Bread'; yum!..

This month of Blues Jamming: Oh God. 7-1-11 Friday was the opening night Rock Jam @ Quackers Last Stop: Z-Bass, Brian Chevalier, and Max L. are supposed to be the triple hosts; wow. Kyle played 2 sets, + Fiddler Bob rocked...7-6-11 Wednesday night Blues Jam at Diablo's, with new host Brian Chevalier: Brian runs it, Russ W. is house bass, Axel's house drummer (tonight). Michael Johnson played harp first set, then Neil Johnson played guitar 2nd set...Then 7-7-11, TH, was the first OUTSIDE Overtime Jam of the season! 1 was Z-Bass, Ri + Ra guitars, Scotty B harp, JP, Axel is house drummer tonight. 2 was T-Mart bass, Ra + Ro guitars, Mark the Harp, Lenny drums a full set. Val sang 2. 3 was Z-Bass, Ra + Ri guitars, Scotty B harp, Axel drums. 4 was T-Mart bass, Max + Ra + Ri on 3 guitars, some JP, Lenny drums. From 1 hangover to another, next up is Fri. 7-8-11 back at Quackers: 1 was Z-Bass, Brian C + Max guitars, Scotty B harp, Jimmy D drums. 2 was Russ W bass, Max + Ro guitars, Fiddler Bob, Mark the Harp, Lenny drums. Val sang, then Darcy Lee got up and joined her; full stage foot-stomp, I almost cried. 3 was Z-Bass, Brian C. + Max + Jay on 3 guitars, Scotty B on harp, Axel drums. Darcy sang some more. 4 was Z-Bass, Max + Jay on guitars, Brian C. on harp, Jimmy D drums. Wow...7-14-11, outside again! 1 was Z-Bass, Ri + Ra guitars, JP, Scotty B harp, Jimmy D drums. 2 was Z-Bass, Morgan + Ra guitars, Mark the Harp, Lenny drums. 3 was Z-Bass, Kyle (on his loud pink Strat) + Ra guitars, Scotty B harp, Axel drums! Sax Jared showed up. 4 was Z-Bass, Max + Ri guitars, JP, Jared sax, Jimmy D drums...Quackers 7-15-11 Jam; I missed 1 + 2 while playing pinball. 3 was Z-Bass, Max + Kyle on guitars, Scotty B harp, and Jimmy D drums. 4 was Z-Bass, Brian C. + Jay on guitars, Lenny P drums, Mike (the keyboardist) on harp...7-21-11 Overtime, I didn't go because I was tired...7-22-11, not back at Quackers, because I was in shock after turning over Strikes and Spares pinball...7-28-11; Overtime outside with Brian Chevalier! Yes! Set 1 was Z-Bass, Brian C + Ri on guitars, Scotty B harp, JP played guitar, then keys, Jimmy D drums. 2 was T-Mart bass, Brian C + Kyle on guitars, Mark the Harp, Greg drums. 3 was Russ W. bass, Max + Jay on guitars, JP keys, Lenny P. drums. 4 was Z-Bass, Brian C + Max + Ri on 3 guitars, then Brian drops off guitar to zydeco and harp, JP, Axel drums. Wow.

My trials and trib.s as a critical believer in the concept of God: God is at The Location playing pinball.

What's different here than in college town: The 40 Watt in Athens was rated to be 1 of the top 50 places to see live music in America. Hats off, and thumbs up, to the Dimly Lit Theater in college town!..

What's different here than dumbass Arizona: Some guy in Phoenix stole an ambulance that was running and went on a joyride that ended with him crashing into signs, poles, and parked cars. Damn; I always wanted to do that...

How Does Your Garden Grow? (Tales from our community garden plot): I tried to cut my left thumb off with girlfriend's new super-shears...We picked snowpeas and some basil. A zuc is growing, and my hot pepper plant has some buds; yes! My first hot pepper was extracted and eaten this month!..Carrots are trying to sprout, and we get to keep ALL the squash that grows over from the guy's plot in the back.

Life with Static Girl: She's my unimpressed cuttlefish...She never wants to talk about anything; to her, conversations are pointless.... She doesn't care what I do, ever...She is my skworm (skinny worm)...

My FCP has this for me: Total radio silence.

Comments From The Peanut Gallery: "FOX News finally admitting Fukushima radiation is in our food." and "Official Calls For Riverside, 12 Other Counties To Secede From California"--WRH, 7-2-11...Bath salts are a new drug; really?..U. S. employers fired another 41,000 employees in June, and let 21,000 more go in July; the layoffs continue...Memphis City Public Schools Closed Indefinitely Due To Lack Of Funds (07-21-2011)...Ford takes US Taxpayer bailout and deserts sinking ship; will build three new car factories in China! (7-27-11)...

A thought to take with you: "I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile. I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as will. I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me.

"I've never seen a penis in this room."--a lady at the plasma center

"This cracker's looking for some tuna."--Facebook friend "M"

(on a black shirt) "I'm only wearing black until they invent something darker." and "I know I'm psychic because my underwear says 'medium'." and "You're not playing with a full deck. You're a Jack off!" and "I can do this. It ain't rocket surgery."

Real Oregon bumper sticker: "Sure, you can trust the government. Ask an Indian."

Real Oregon t-shirt: "Groceries, or Records?"

Band names: Lethal Bath Salts,
(Real bands Mike Dillon drums in:) "The Dead Kenny G's" + "Garage a Trois", (real Oregon band) "saviorself", "Seattleites"





SIDEBAR 149

September 2011


(...last month we were...)


Reading: Men's Health magazine has a new 'girl next door', and I'm sure she'll be excellent. But I was not done with Carolyn K. yet. In fact, I'm going to need a 'cramming' session with Miss Carolyn (she looks like the perfect combo of my girlfriend, and FCP, in ONE woman). Did I say 'cramming'? More like; cramming, jamming and slamming, baby! I'd like to "thank" Carolyn for hours; you know, for her insight and stuff.

Watching: pre-season football; more more more. This is what I live for: Patriots and Eagles in Superbowl 46...

Class Projects: Warehouse 13, Oregon Art Beat, The Daily Show,

movies together: not yet

Shit I watch alone: 50 Documentaries To See Before You Die (all 5 hours), Breaking Bad, PTI, Countdown,

Comedians: Steve Byrne is great!

Crappy cable movies: "Alone With Her", "Jennifer's Body", "Teenage Dirtbag",

Play it Again's: The Social Network,

Watching and Hearing: my first 3 songs to pull up on YouTube are: "Swing Swing" + "Another Heart Calls" by All American Rejects, and "Sweetness" by Jimmy Eat World. 4th and 5th are 2 Rise Against songs; usually "Savior" and "Help Is On The Way". The 6th song I pull up is "Last Time I Saw Cole" by Deadbolt. Ha; and you thought you knew me...Rise Against has 2 different songs on Sportscenter. That makes Rise Against almost as cool as Foo Fighters (they also had 2 songs on Sportscenter)...8-30-11 is/was a big day for (legendary) The Red Hot Chili Peppers; they take over the Fuse channel, have a new single + DVD concert/movie out; heck, they might even take showers that day! Fleabath!..

Hearing: Go check out the Florida band "Glitch" and see what you think. I was not disappointed...On Chad's computer at The Location, THAT'S where I discovered Deadbolt (the world's most dangerous band); it sounds like Satan's surf music. Yay...

New on the radio; I listen when I can, but I am no longer engaged in pop songs for grading/comparing. I still MISS more good music than I ever hear, but at least I admit to it...The new Bush is okay, but I only heard it 2wice this month.

Musical Purchases this month from the Tom Tucker discount wall at Skip's Records And CDWorld; my future place of employment, and permanent Barbie Dream Home: maybe if there was a dentist at CDWorld...

Out and About: 40 hours a week at The Location, and I can totally tolerate Chad's music collection. He has more Newcleus than I do, plus B-52's, Hall + Oates, the Deadbolt, and some really obscure Depeche Mode, Cure, and OMD; nice...We heard all of Physical Graffiti at the bar during my big poker tournament on 8-28-11; nice...Collective Soul at Carl's Jr.,

Singing: everything and more

What I want today: a new mouth, new teeth, more pot + pain pills, and I want to remove some people. Yeah; it sucked that I got new teeth problems JUST as I was running out of pot + pain pills. Lousy damn timing. I'm licking the insides of old prescription bottles, and digging out expired stashes. Never mind. La la la la; NO expired stashes here...

New stuff this month or so: Defenseman Kyle Cumiskey was my Colorado Avalanche August calender boy...A remake of the movie Fright Night; why?..8-20-11; Quackers Last Stop Grand Re-Opening with RayBob (+ Dad) as owners. Yes; my favorite bartender, and cook, Ray, is also now a bar owner/manager. He already got me a Sopranos pinball for the bar, and their golf game has access to retro Golden Tee courses. Both Highwater, and Heavy Chevy played music on 8-20-11. Coming soon; poker games and comedy at Quackers...New this month in Portland: as of August, Ground Kontrol now has Twilight Zone pinball (my #3 favorite), and the "C Bar" in Portland has HS2 The Getaway (my #1 favorite)...New Levi's jeans are ON SALE at Fred Meyer for $37.99 a pair; regularly $53.99. Who the F is paying that much for blue jeans? I paid $6.99 for a pair of new "Most Wanted" jeans from Bi-Mart...One more complaint: you know that I LOVE my Men's Health magazine, right? Sure; and Men's Health is doing a bit of cross-promoting for Carl's Jr.'s new turkey burgers. They're not as unhealthy as other burgers, and good for them. Unfortunately, there needs to be a reminder for us Men's Health guys to order the turkey burgers WITHOUT mayonaise. Yuck. One crappy condiment can ruin an otherwise great idea...

This Month of bargain-shopping (Dollar Tree, Cash King, Big Lots, etc.): Bathroom cleaning stuff for The Location, a scrub brush, and burrito wraps for me...onion bits, a Dollar Store Shamwow, 12 coat hangers...Hand soap, lemon juice...Who would buy a Dollar Store pregnancy test?

Occupational Hazards: My Dad is baggin' groceries at Winn Dixie; I did that back in 1991. I (kind of) work at The Location Vintage Arcade, aka. "Blairally", at 245 Blair Blvd. They don't pay me (yet), but I get to play cheap pinball...Chill out! I got cold at Blairally, so I went outside to smoke. As I sat there smoking a cig, and shaking off a shiver, I realized the true meaning of 'chilling out' (getting the chill out). Cool...8-31-11; Gavin (did all the work, but I'm going to say that I helped) and I soldered some connecters on Flash Gordon pinball WHILE we listened to EVERY Deadbolt song in Chad's library (sweet). I was leaning over to see him work, and realized that my face was 3 inches above the hot soldering sponge. What's that smell? So I was huffing soldering fumes for at least 10 minutes (heavy metal, baby). I'll be dead soon (I'm a flux-snorter now), probably in the next couple of days; well, and now you know why. Okay.

Personal shit for my own memory banks this month: 8-1-11; my Diversion agreement is fully paid off, my double-secret-probationary period is over, and I am (once again) a free man with no criminal record. They can all suck my nuts. Commentary coming soon...8-7-11; 2nd place in my poker tournament; woo...My favorite shoes died...With the new 15 lb. weights, I could not walk around the neighborhood without a short break. But after 3 tries (daily walks), and improvements, I am now doing it easily. It's fun to watch your own strength build...I took a month off (roughly) from comedy, and played pinball for 40 hours a week in July. And now the pinball tournament is over. Is there more comedy in me now?..On 8-15-11 I set up my new checking account with my new Credit Union...8-17-11; I cleaned 3 bathrooms today. Did any other guys clean 3 bathrooms today? I bet they didn't...8-21, after the Quackers party, I woke up with a tooth broken off at the base...8-24-11; cleaned 3 bathrooms again...8-25-11; finally got to see a dentist at the cheap Whitebird Clinic. 2 teeth fully removed ($140). Ow. 3 pretty crappy days to follow (maybe), as there will be no: eating, drinking bubbles, smoking, or exercising. Smoothies and Slimfast--fun...Parents sent me birthday $ and shirts. Yay. $ will go to dentists, and the nice new shirts will be hung in my closet, NEVER to be worn, because that's how I roll...8-29-11; Monday morning update: I was good for 36 hours after teeth extractions (until Friday night)--and still with no pain pills, thank you. Yeah, but, um, since Friday I've been deep-throating my bong (I'm so smart), and slow-dragging cigarettes (that's the CORRECT use of the term 'slow dragging', thank you). I drank screwdrivers (no bubbles) at poker Sunday 8-28; bite me...End of month; my weight has lowered substantially. I'm in the 180's, and it's probably even the lower 180's now--I'm not kidding. All my clothes are too big; I'm on the 5th loop of my skinny belt now, as of 8-31-11, a day when I (again) cleaned 3 bathrooms...

Pinball and Golden Tee stuff: 8-4-11 The Location; I am the new Grand Champion on Whirlwind, 41 million (old high score was 36 mil)...8-6-11; The Northwest Oh-Pin Tournament at The Location. After 8 hours, I was the #1 qualifier. I eventually came in 2nd place, and I'll have a numerical world-ranking next month (probably around #1000). Wow...Oh it's just fucking obnoxious now; I have the high scores on more than half of the pinball machines at The Location--and have improved some of the high scores I already had; and I had the high scores on 3 of the 6 machines we played in the Northwest Oh-Pin...8-8-11 The Location; I finished Pole Position (with 13 seconds left) in 1:70, and scored 51,650. That's all 3; yes, ALL THREE Pole Position records at once, thank you...8-12-11, The Location: the new high score (mine) on Eight Ball is 822,830. AND; the new high score (finally, after 3 months!) on Flash Gordon is 5,269,780...T-shirt idea: "I Want To Do Another Eight Ball With You!", above a picture of the Eight Ball pinball machine. Genius!..8-17-11, The Location: I am the first person to turn over Eight Ball pinball; 1,009,790, with a witness (picture coming soon)...(8-17 + 8-18) 2 nights in a row I stayed at The Location until after 4 am playing pinball (and til 3 am on 8-19). So; fuck all of you maroons with REAL lives; I'll stay with my fake one here...My right thumbnail is mashed, and my left ring finger nail also is half purple. It looks like working man's hands, but it's just from playing Pole Position...I LOVE seeing a big paragraph of shit in this section--it's been too long without pinball!..Nonsense on Pole Position; Chad + I BOTH scored 51,600 and finished in 1:70 on the same night; I was 2/10 of a second faster (if that even matters)...Never mind the nonsense on Pole Position--nobody has beaten my 51,650 yet. But Chad did get a 55.85 qualifying lap--so that's better than my 55.98. Let's go to Black Knight pinball: Since the Northwest Oh-Pin, nobody had topped the 2.5 mil that starts fresh on the game. and then I scored 2,770,690 at 3 am of 8-23-11. Ho hum...Look at this shit! The biggest fucking paragraph of this Sidebar is pinball shit, and we haven't even gotten to the SAVE THEE BLACK KNIGHT pinball tournament of 8-26-11 (donate $1 to save an incredible pinball machine): I scored a very strong 2.6 million early, but was beaten later by Darren's 2.7 mil. So I have finished in 2nd place in ALL THREE pinball tournaments I've played this Summer (How well did you do?)...Chad finally Poled out; he scored a 51,850; and finished Pole Position in 1:69; that's amazing, and the new #1...Pinball Wade, from 2008, finally came down and met up with The Location people. He likes the whole set up; there may be Wade games consigned to Blairally..."The Location", or "Blairally"? I like both...I turned over Captain Fantastic pinball again, and kept going; wrapped around back up to 89K, and it gave me another replay...(Next day) The internet says that the world record on this Captain Fantastic machine is 125K. So I announced: "Really? I will break the world record right now.", and I put up 129K (ho hum). Well; that was fun (I'm just 1 of 5 people at Blairally who can/do beat 125K regularly)...New settings on Pole Position. They suck; it's back to full "arcade" mode now. We need side-by-side Pole Position games; one with these old crap settings (no 200 mph), and one with the old, warped out 244 mph top speed...

Grammar: "of" and "have" are not interchangeable. It fucking cracks me up to see college students/teachers screw up in such a 3rd grade manner.

New foods this month: At the Whiteaker Block Party (where the 8-4 pinball tournament was) I had a can of Chronic Ice . It's called hemp tea, but it's more like Gatorade. I like it!..Zuc's and cabbage from the garden; yum!..I added carrot paste (Magic Bullet) to quinoa, and it's goood!...New to me; I quietly found Famous Dave's 'Devil's Spit' bar-bque sauce; Triple XXX rated, for adults only. I strongly approve...Hmmm; vegan sloppy joe's would be like, cole slaw sandwiches, right? Okay; so--cole slaw sandwiches, that's the new food I want to make--on Static Girl bread...Girlfriend bought a rice cooker, because our microwave is a leaky radiation factory. I will learn how to use said rice cooker, and make quinoa in it...Rice-maker quinoa is gooood, yay...(With my teeth troubles) My awesome girlfriend made 'garden' soup for my non-chewing, almost-liquid-only food enjoyment. She rocks!..BTW; as for almost-liquid-only food enjoyment; Magic Bullet smoothies rock! Slimfast sucks...

This month of Blues Jamming: 8-4-11; I missed it while practicing for the pinball tournament...8-11-11; outside and insane! 1 was Z-Bass, Ra + Ri on guitras, Mark the Harp, JP, Jimmy D drums. 2 was Rai Wheat bass, Ra + Kyle on guitars, M the H, Lenny drums, Val sang 2, Axel sang 'Haircut'. 3 was Z-Bass, Max + Jay on guitars, Darcy sang some, Jerome did great harp, Axel drums. 4 was Z-Bass, Kyle + Ra guitars, Darcy sang mostly, JP, Jimmy D drums. 8-18-11 I missed it while on duty at The Location...Friday night 8-19-11; I missed the Quacker's Jam, too...Sat. 8-20-11; The Bad Ass Quacker's New Owner's Party; Highwater at 7 pm, which was fantatstic! Then Heavy Chevy at 9 pm, which was even better!..8-25-11 I missed because of my teeth extractions...

My trials and trib.s as a critical believer in the concept of God: God is happy with my 5.269 mil on Flash Gordon pinball. And God was more entertained with the old Pole Position settings, too.

What's different here than in college town: The same! In the soon-to-be-famous "Blairally", after midnight one night, a stand-up bass, bongos, and high hat (me) were improvised to 2 hot girls singing well together. It's amazing, and it's on a video somewhere...Different! Different! Different! There are two different 24 hour porn stores in town; never mind how I found the 2nd one at 5 am on a Wednesday morning. Ain't nerthin like dat in bible-belted Athens, GA...In an attempt to be way green, Eugene is adopting car-less Sundays for about half of downtown. Super smart; with people walking everywhere, and no cars honking...Is there any Georgia coffee? There are lots of local coffee companies up here; we will be trying out Goodbean, from Medford. It's supposed to not be bitter; we'll see...Former Lane County resident Jeri Rutherford invented the Carbon Comfort bike seat. It flexes a litle--under your buns, keeping blood flow from being constricted (less pain). Very smart!..

What's different here than dumbass Arizona: In Arizona, bodies get left in the desert to disintegrate. Up here; bodies get choked and/or cut up, and then their house gets burned down around them--just to make sure. I like it up here...The second-largest outdoor marijuana growing operation has resulted in the arrest of two men and the seizure of more than 10,000 plants in remote northeastern Oregon...

How Does Your Garden Grow? (Tales from our community garden plot): I make salad from the basil, cucumbers, and zuc's from the garden; yum. Oh; and the cabbage! Cabbage grows well here, also...

Life with Static Girl: From my Men's Health magazine; this guy talks about his very attractive 38 yr. old wife wanting to become a nude art-school model. And she does, and there's a thumbnail sketch of her, and she IS very attractive. And I just look at it and say 'Damn; my Static Girl is so much hotter than that.' And I start to wonder how old my girlfriend is; so I do the math, and SHE is 38, as well. So; my girlfriend is way fine enough to be a nude art model. But she won't be doing anything like that, ever. MY girlfriend!..I must anticipate things she will need; sometimes I do good...At 8:15 pm on 8-15-11 I was kissing my girl; yay...Oh my goodness! You want to understand OUR relationship? Good luck with that, by the way. But here's a pretty good one: my Men's Health magazine (which I love) reminds that communication is vital to any relationship. I agree. So I ask my girl; 'Baby, do you think we have good communication?' And she said 'Who cares?' Is that great? This conversation is OVER, dude! I like my girlfriend!..I also ENJOY arguments with my girlfriend. Seriously. If she and I disagree on something, it lasts for about 4 or 5 seconds, and then she says 'Go away now.', which means I have to leave the scene, and this conversation (too) is OVER, dude!..Art show! One of my girlfriend's very talented coworkers had his own art showcase, at a real art studio, with wine + cheese, all hoytie toytie and stuff. Static Girl and I got all dressed up and went--it was nice...I played some of Satan's Surf music for her (Deadbolt), and she's just not into it. But; credit where it's due; Static Girl listened to it for a couple of minutes--she tried to like it. But it's my type of music, and not nearly hers. The point is; my girlfriend was willing to listen. Not all girls do...8-29-11; her back bike tire died. So I went and got her a new back tire, a new heavy duty tube FOR the back tire, and took her bike TO her at work--because I'm a pretty good boyfriend. The only problem is that now her tires are inflated all properly and stuff, and that makes for a bumpy ride that annoys her. I just can't win!..

My FCP has this for me: She's doing a stealth, underground, invisibilty-cloak thing. She's going to be just fine. We both are going through some refurbishing...

Comments From The Peanut Gallery: News comments? Good luck to politicians!

A thought to take with you: "They all laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now."--Bob Monkhouse, comedian (1928-2003)

"Teenage girls excited by the sight of a playful baby need to be beaten with a brick of used condoms by a tantrum throwing toddler."--Patrick Thomas Perkins

"Perpetual motion is like a really good pinball shot; it's only impossible until I do it--one time. After that, it's no longer impossible--so shut up."--W. C. Davis

Band names: Cheap Drinks,
real Oregon bands: "Rocket Propelled Chainsaws", "The Eager Beavers" (all girl band),





SIDEBAR 150

October 2011


(...last month we were...)


Reading:

Watching: Archer is back! That is one funny show!..Raising Hope is back for round 2...Workaholics also made the 2nd season...

Class Projects: Castle, Daily Show, Warehouse 13, Dr. Who,

movies together: not yet

Shit I watch alone: I'm trying to get into "Wilfred" on F/X and IFC; it's okay...Funny As Hell is British comedians on the BBc network, also Chris Hardwick's "The Nerdist"...

Comedians: second half of the new Kathy Griffin on Bravo...Eddie Izzard on Youtube...

Crappy cable movies: "The Babysitter",

Play it Again's: no time for movies; I am Mr. Pinball.

Watching and Hearing: I got Hulu in order to watch "Special When Lit", the 2009 pinball documentary...Youtubin'; what do you think of this 'Hey You' band, and/or the Quick And Easy Boys?..Adding to my Youtube staples; the lyrics to Volbeat's "Sad Man's Tongue", and My Chemical Romance's 'Black Parade'...

Hearing: Rush' "Signals", Zep's "Physical Graffiti",

New on the radio; new Evanesence is good, new Primus on 9-13-11, Bob Seger and Pink Floyd are doing new/old releases...Not new, so much, but first time ever: I heard Volbeat on 101.5 KFLY!

Musical Purchases this month from the Tom Tucker discount wall at Skip's Records And CDWorld; my future place of employment, and permanent Barbie Dream Home: no

Out and About: Linkin Park at the garden--now that was cool...I LOVE walking into the back of the Overtime, and nailing down whatever the radio song is in 3 seconds or less...

Singing: Really? You want me to list how I can start a breath in one song, skip a couple of decades and genres, blip-taste a bassline, scratch out a 3-way combo guitar solo, then pull back and restart the lyrics from where this rocket ship shot out from? Dude; I can't even keep up with my own thought after-burners. Good luck making sense out of my mind.

What I want today: Fibromyalgia? I always thought I had that..."We Smoked It All!" t-shirts, stemming from a traffic stop of UO football players (I want one, NOW!).

New stuff this month or so: Goalie Craig Anderson is my Avalanche calender boy...9-7-11; it's 100 degrees? Okay; so I postponed my exercise walk until 2 pm so it would be really hot + painful. Yeah; not so much...9-11-11. 10 years later. So what?..Oh! And Duck-lips have been banned from stadiums...There is a small black field mouse in our apartment; he is fast!..REM is disbanding after 31 years...WTF is Google+, and why is Captain Beach Bum sending me posts from it?..9-28-11; it's my favorite bartender's last night at my (old?) favorite bar. It's been a monumental run for Ray at the Overtime, and now he moves on to work 75-hour weeks at Quackers...

This Month of bargain-shopping (Dollar Tree, Cash King, Big Lots, etc.): I need candles, incense, and AAA batteries...

Occupational Hazards: Wednesday poker games at Quackers begin on 9-14-11 (or not)...Okay; and there also could be Monday night poker games at Quackers (no). Poker 4 straight nights per week, anybody (no)?..We'll try for Quackers poker again on 9-21-11 (that's another big negative)...One more time, on 9-28-11--yes! 4 people, with the Blues Jam in the background...

Personal shit for my own memory banks this month: Okay, this is pretty important. On 9-6-11 I went to weigh myself at the plasma center. With clothes and shoes on, I still only weighed 178.9. So I have now surpassed MORE than ALL of the weight loss goals I EVER had for myself. Weight loss is done; it's time to tone up the outer frame now...9-7-11; I was at Big 5 Sporting Goods, and had to show my ID (to do an exchange for another pair of Response Gear "Delivery" boots). The cute girl behind the counter saw 200 as my weight (on my license), and asked 'Have you lost a bunch of weight?'. I said "Yup.". She was just being polite, but I say she was definitely flirting with me. New shoes mean: new blisters--ahh, the fun!..9-8-11; after Blues Jam, somehow I lost over half of another tooth. The tooth had already been chipped, but now the tooth is mostly gone. It's going to really hurt soon. Another 'one less tooth to floss'. I love my mouth...So I got 2 teeth extracted at the low-cost Whitebird clinic, yay, so I can live for now. And they will become my regular dentist on 10-13-11--MY FCP's birthday!..So; I've lost nearly 50 lbs. in 16 months? Jeezus. I need new clothes; which, I cannot afford. So I guess I'm going to need some more new skinny belts...9-16-11; I got drunk on Tricerahops (11.5% aclcohol), threw some awesome frisbee, but then wound up falling and cracking my head open later. The concussion caused a blackout; so I don't remember anything after the frisbee. I bled like a bad B horror movie; you should see my bathroom and bed; ha...9-23-11; Static Daddy's birthday, we were in a music video at The Location. I also was disrespected and stolen from. I'll make an example out of somebody there?..9-26-11; had to go get a new cheap watch--old cheap watch finally broke. I'm also working on a new exercise routine for toning up this current frame. See; the walks with the 15 lb. hand weights are killing my arms. So I do a quick bike ride after the walks--to cool off, and the bike ride kills off whatever is left of my legs, and THEN I can do some core exercises. I'm calling these things 'Urban mini-triathalons', and they hurt! I'm a fucking genius...9-28-11; day 2 of my new exercise routine--it's a killer!..At the bar last night, I said (about a female who works there that I had a problem with) I often let people shit on me, and I had said that I was going to stand up for myself this time. But; 'Sometimes you have to eat a little shit; and, give up on a battle that you could easily win, just to keep the equilibrium.' (That seems to be a VERY well-liked comment.)...Learning lessons/perspective/experience is its own teacher; that was quite a video shoot Friday night!..Just a reminder; my favorite shirt (the green 1996 Fig Dish one) is 3 BANDS AGO! They've been The Prairie Cartel since 2006, and they were Caviar from 2000-2005 (Fig Dish went buh-bye in 1999)...My own comedy; earring (hearing) aids, and a tiny promise earring.

Pinball and Golden Tee stuff: I start Septiembre 2011 as the 865th ranked pinball player in the world (329th in the USA); just sayin'...The Location's Pole Position is set up to Twin Galaxies spec.s now, so we can register our high scores--like my 64,000 on 9-7-11 (4 laps, 2:26:48). Apparently that is the 14th best Pole Position run, ever. Woo...Congrads to Scotty Mac for becoming the 2nd person to turn over the Eight Ball pinball machine on 9-8-11 (it's HIS machine, but I turned it over before he did)...I'm going to spend the night; yes, LOCKED IN The Location arcade (!) all night on Friday night, 9-9-11, until static Girl comes back for me Saturday morning. The "Clarcade" (not nearly as cool as it was meant to be)...(Kale) KNK scored 64,300 (and 2:25) on Pole Position to top me (and because Scotty finally turned over his Eight Ball pinball); THOSE 2 records are gone. BUT; I still have the 5.269 million high score on Flash Gordon pinball (Scotty's other game)...I have joined the Eugene Pinball Nights for their inaugural season, and such weekly competition should help all of us with world rankings...I blinked, and the Overtime has Harley Davidson pinball; guess I'll have to learn how to play it now...As of 9-13-11, it is official! The Location is expanding! More pinball/video coming soon, as they/we get ready for October!..9-14-11; 64,150 and 2:26:14 are my new bests on Pole Position. So; KNK has #12, and UUC has #13--I'm okay with that...9-15-11; surprise Clarcade night, until after 5 am. Much nicer...9-19-11; my new Pole Position records are 64,850; finished in 2:23:47, with 21 seconds left (it was the high score for 3 days). Is it a top 10 score ever? NO; it is not--Chad (CAB) put up a 65,110 on 9-22-11. So (world record-wise) CAB is 9th, UUC (that's me) is 11th, and KNK is 12th--all from The Location...After the turmoil of a 9-23 Friday night video shoot, and my beer being stolen by people who had claimed to be my friends, I have decided to take some shit, give up a battle, and keepuilibrium'. And GOOD for me, because on Monday 9-26, The Location showcased Flash pinball; 1 of the 2 most important games from my childhood, and it was the first game I turned over in a public place (2nd overall, after Trident). I scored over 900K 4 times before actually turning it over; but I did turn it over on that Monday night 1,048,860--with Alfonzarelli as my witness...Pinball Sam told me that he went and played Spiderman pinball at the Wetlands, and put his name up a few times. So I went on 9-27. Yeah; um, sorry, Sam. I'm the new Grand Champ at 246,794,240, with 30 combos and 54 spiders also as new records...I made level 15, and 92K on Dig Dug...9-30-11, first meeting of the Pinball Nights. Round 1 was pathetic (I lost all 3 games to Gavin). Round 2 (I won all 3 against Darren) gave me 2 records for the night; 689K on Eight Ball pinball, and 2.7 mil on Grand Lizard pinball (ha). I start the league with the 2nd highest handicap (on 4 machines), Alfonso has the highest handicap (on 5 machines)...

Grammar: "Weather" and "whether"; outside temperature, and choice option. It takes a special kind of (college graduate) brain/lack of to confuse these 2 words..."Except" and "accept"; same deal...First time ever (or, here's something you don't see everyday); an Ebaum's Facebook post used the word "you're" when they needed to use "your"; wow...

New foods this month: buttery mushrooms and peas with quinoa--no leftovers!..2wice, again with no leftovers--that shit is good!..Zucchini boats full of garden veggies; yum!..Goop-oa! Her soup, with my quinoa--yum!..Next day; quinoa with mushrooms and tomatocado/lemon sauce. Mmmm...Static Girl made more soup on Sunday 9-25-11...Best rice ever! Her rice-cooker works very well, and her soup from 9-25 is made even better by the perfect rice...

This month of Blues Jamming: 9-1-11; outside! I missed set 1 of Z-Bass, Ri + Ra guitars, Mark the Harp, Jimmy D drums. 2 was T-Mart on bass, Ra + Ri (again), Scotty B harp, Lenny drums. Val sang 2 songs. 3 was Z-Bass, Ri + Ra again, JP on keys, Jeff on trumpet, Jimmy D drums. 4 was T-Mart on bass, Ra + Max guitars, Hornboy Jeff on trumpet, Jimmy D started drumming, then Lenny finished the set on drums. Beautiful. Rai Wheat was there, hanging out w/me, but on Dr.'s orders to not play bass with his broken collarbone. Kristi + Joy were the pill girls tonight...9-2-11 Friday Jam at Quackers I missed because of The Location...9-8-11; Axel's Birthday Jam! Set 1 was Z-Bass, Ra + Ri on guitars, Mark the Harp, JP on keys, Art on sax, Jimmy D drums (I missed most of the first set, but showed up during the sax solo of Speaker Monkey, which was pretty cool.). 2 was Z-Bass (the only bass tonight), Pops + Max on guitars (!), Scotty B harp, Lenny P drums. Max leads 'Shake Your Booty' blues style (wow). 3 was Z-Bass, Jay + Kyle on guitars, JP (also played guitar), Axel drums + sings. Not even drunk yet, Axel did a fine Mustang Sally. 4 was Z-Bass, Ra + Ri + Max on 3 guitars, JP in and out, Jimmy D drums. Kristi was there (Joy's back in rehab), cabbie Dave + Josh, Ryker showed late, what a night!..Unless the employees of Thursday night Blues Jam change, I may quit going there for awhile...9-15-11, no Blues Jam, I did another Clarcade night...9-16-11, no Quackers Jam; Friday night blackout drunk at The Location, with a new head wound. Bad...9-22-11, no Blues Jam, back at The Location...9-28-11; 1st poker game at Quackers with their Wednesday Blues Jam as background noise--nice! (I want this to happen every week!)...

My trials and trib.s as a critical believer in the concept of God: God is busy watching over the Wall Street protesters.

What's different here than in college town: Indie Pop Soda! Made here in Eugene; natural soda made from fruit and other real ingredients. Yay. Wean me off of Mountain Dew already!..Music; let's learn about "The Ferns"; a 3-piece indie pop band from Eugene, OR...Troy Davis was legally executed in GA. If there is ANY doubt on guilt (like his), shouldn't an execution be stayed?..I know a homeless guy here in Oregon with a laptop computer. He just needs any bar's wifi to be a connected homeless guy worldwide--and I've seen him do it!..Different? I'm not sure about GA, but here in Oregon you can have guns on college campuses--very smart...

What's different here than dumbass Arizona: #1: We ain't there no mo...

How Does Your Garden Grow? (Tales from our community garden plot): baby hot peppers, tons of cucumbers, and 3 zuc.'s at a time!...

Life with Static Girl: 9-5-11; my girl went on an exercise walk with me--so she got to hear me wheeze, and cuss at myself. I'm a fun date...I finally found a gift for her at Big 5 Sporting Goods. The medium-tension hand exercisers make good stress-relievers--nope; still too stiff...

My FCP has this for me: She's letting me figure out some stuff for awhile; she'll check back in when she's ready...

Comments From The Peanut Gallery: Post Office to cut 220,000 jobs (Ha; what could possibly go wrong?)..."Five Banks Account For 96% Of The $250 Trillion In Outstanding US Derivative Exposure"...

A thought to take with you: "It is said that men go mad in herds, and only come to their senses slowly, and one by one."--Charles MacKay. A GREAT quote; want to know where I saw it? Click here: A Decade Of Denial And Deception

"If you don't like gay marriage, blame straight people. They're the ones who keep having gay babies."--Facebook post

"It's so hard to load a gun when I'm this drunk and crying."--Seth Milstein (my comedy mentor)

"A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation."--Howard Scott

Band names: Slug Shit, Maximum Capacity,
"Titanium Sponges" (is written on a green trash can out back of the Overtime Tavern)



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