School Problems: 2005 Update

Hello; hi, how are you? Like I really care. It's 2005 now. I wrote (most of) the following commentary back in 2002--I have since cleaned up the language. I've cleaned up alot; it's a whole new commentary now. So; there have been 2.5 years for somebody to explain to me when all the rules changed. Nobody has. In the news, here, today, 5-24-05 I see that 3 states (Connecticut, New Jersey, and Oregon) are all considering the idea of eliminating junk food on school campuses. Wow. What a novel idea! Tell me; are the kids all fat and lazy now? They are? Why do you suppose that is? When exactly did junk food become AVAILABLE on school campuses? My generation used to have to smuggle that stuff in ourselves, or we'd pay 3X the retail price for it to somebody with big pockets. 2 frosted chocolate cupcakes (bought for 50 cents) could get a bidding war up to $2 in my 8th grade class. Have you ever paid $1 for a warm can of Coke? My people did! We learned how marketing worked before puberty. Thems was just the times.

Back in my day, if you were caught with a soda at school, boom, you were sent to the principal's office, or just suspended right on the spot. Period. Also; you were on campus until the end of the day--unless you had some kind of special circumstances (bleeding from the head). If you got caught trying to leave (or coming back onto) campus, then you were just suspended right on the spot (or expelled--we had no sissy "3 strikes and you're out" rule). Period. And, back in my day, if the school band wanted new uniforms, or if my baseball team wanted better equipment, then we students knocked our butts out selling candy bars and raffle tickets. Period.

Apparently it is a bit different now. Kids drink soda all day at school; and they are mostly overweight, and they can leave campus at lunch, and they are not required to do their own fund-raising. You know, I think I'm starting to understand the problem with those cute teen kids now. When did school become such a gosh darn joke? Who LET the kids have access to all of these vices on campus?

Remember the whole point of school? You have to "teach" responsibility, okay? And since the parents cannot be bothered to do it, the teachers and coaches have to. You have to teach kids the value of suffering through a school day with no Dr. Pepper. You cannot let children ask themselves questions like 'Gee, what kind of fast food do I want for lunch today?' Seriously; kids should either wake up early and make their own lunch, or be forced to eat that gruel in the cafeteria. Period. If the cafeteria doesn't have the resources (horse meat) to feed all of the students, then there are too many students in that school (look at me--knocking out all of the problems one-by-one). And when it comes to fund-raising, schools should not get contract-money from Coke, Pepsi, and Gatorade (for the now available drink machines). If the kids want something new or different, then let the kids pay for it--that's the way it worked for us. And it worked for us.

The junk food is ALREADY there, see? Let's not take choices away, let's give your fat kids MORE options! Put slot machines in the lunchroom--so kids can gamble away their lunch money--like adults do! We could set up some dance poles on the tables, and let young girls grind up on them and try to EARN some lunch money (who needs food when you can have a little fuzz in your face?). Wait; why even have a "lunchroom"? Let's fire the entire cafeteria staff and stop buying food altogether (just say "no" to horse meat). Set up one big Pizza Hut stand--do you know what the profit margin is on a single pan crust pie? Less junk food? No! We can also install 50 or so MORE Vend-O-matics in the cafeteria, where the kids can buy cupcakes, cream pies, and twinkies. (Let's get some contract money from Hostess, too. Heck; make a big, fat, yellow "twinkie" your new school mascot. Or one of those round coconut snowballs!) Can we sell cigarettes, too? Let the Marlboro Man and Joe Camel come and show us how to blow smoke rings (look what I learned at school today). Now we're not only saving money, but making tons of it! Sweets and soda and slots, oh my! Puffing, pizza, and poontang; clear the stage, baby! Since you're obviously not going to teach kids anything about responsibility, then let's at least show these future leaders of America how business works.

"Junk food" in the high school is not the problem. The school board wanted kids to have choices (the school board wanted some free money--to heck with health). So let's go ahead and flood the kids with the chaos that makes up reality, and let them figure it out. MY generation was kept OUT of the deep end of the swimming pool; but now why not just (stripper logic) throw the kids in the deep end--let 'em learn how to swim? It wasn't MY people who made junk food available either--we paid DEARLY for OUR Doritos. I'm just saying that since YOU'VE already made a mess here, let's do the Denis Leary thing and make ALL the vices available. The school board is the problem--not the snacks. Now the kids are familiar with limited junk food; how do you think they'll respond to your taking it away? I can hardly wait for the pep rally riots that are coming.

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