New Rules To Live By:

April, 2006

1. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

(Overnight Guy's Comment: How pathetic do you have to be to want to go back and associate with those dips and drips you were forced to deal with during your own puberty? My high school reunion committee [Could there be a worse name for a group?] was willing to let me come to all the reunions for free; some people I almost consider "friends" paid money to go back and see how fat the cute little cheerleaders had become. I stayed home and drank--I know what's important. How about this: while they're all holding in their stomachs at the 20-yr. class reunion, I'll go babysit their teenage daughters.)

2. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

(Overnight Guy's Comment: Finger-lickin good, give it the finger, I just can't put my finger on what's wrong with this chili, this chili's pointing at me, 'hey look what I almost ate'. Come and 'give me a hand' with this chili, lift a finger to help me; "Finger Chili" would make a fine band name.)

3. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

(Overnight Guys Comment: I'd like to go have sex with some hot school teachers right now; it's too bad that they all like little boys. Maybe they take the little boys to Wendy's.)

4. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

(Overnight Guy's Comment: Men on steroids, in tights, trying hard to look serious. I collected baseball cards until I was 28; what was I thinking? Wanna buy my baseball card colleciton?)

5 New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

(Overnight Guy's Comment: I'm way ahead of this one; I wouldn't date a girl who cared about her eyebrows. In fact, I shun most aspects of cosmetology; those girls are stupid anyway. Girls; if you don't want to talk to me, then just wear lots of make-up. How easy was that?)

6.New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

(Overnight Guy's Comment: No comment necessary--it sounds like Ron White already got a hold of this one.)

7. New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

(Overnight Guy's Comment: No; we NEED to f**k with old people, and old people need to die. I don't have any use for anybody over the age of 65, and until they are eliminated they are a burden to us all. Let's make chili out of the old, drooling, blind, can't drive, adult diaper consumers.)

8. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooooohhhhhh, you're a huge asshole!

(Overnight Guy's Comment: It's been 15 years, or longer, and I still don't get the whole "coffee bar" thing. Back in 1994, Jittery Joe's in Athens, GA was a pretty cool place to go kick back on some moldy furniture and listen to really obscure local music. But after you do that 3 or 4 times, it's just another place to yawn and pass out. There are people, maybe you are one of them, who go to coffee bars everyday. News flash; you can make coffee at home. Shhh.)

9. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

(Overnight Guy's Comment: No futhermucker, you have missed the point entirely. Why are you using a card anyway? Make the kid ringing you up do some work. Crumple your bills into tiny wads with boogers on them, pay with a handful of nickels, and count pennies. Swat at gnats while you argue with your imaginary spouse/children, and shake your head like you're about to start convulsing. Say loudly "Let's not do this here!", and then tell anyone who asks that you're not speaking to them; and giggle. Card-sliders get the finger. Damn I'm hungry.)

10. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

(Overnight Guy's Comment: Tattoo's? Tattoo was the little "ze plane, ze plane" guy on Fantasy Island, right? [I'm just waiting for the 'Fantasy Island' movie.] Yeah; sorry, I don't DO tattoos. Spirituality is personal, and is meant to be independent. Tatoos are personal advertisements; sell yourself anyway you want, baby! I'm not judging you for having tatoos; I'm judging me for not having any.)

11. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

(Overnight Guy's Comment: There are people, maybe you are one of them, who will watch anything on tv; Idol, Survivor, Deal, Poker, Paintball, God or the Girl, Dancing/Cooking/Spitting with the stars...don't ask me to explain it.)

12. New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

(Overnight Guy's Comment: Again you miss the point. I LOVE M + M's, but they are boring. What we have needed for years are some options; mega-, tiny, inside-out, and different fillings--like fingertips! Wait; I meant 'chili'.)

13. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

(Overnight Guy's Comment: Not a bad plan: movie screen remotes; I am intrigued. Hollywood needs a busy boost, since they cannot come up with an original thought. Here's one of MY dream "busy boosts"; team Kevin Smith up with Rob Zombie to make a string of 2-hour slacker/slasher big-screen orgasms with the best soundtracks ever. Sponsored by Wendy's chili!)

14. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

(Overnight Guy's Comment: I don't know what gift registering is, and don't want an explanation of it, either. If somebody I know is getting married or having kids, or considering either, then they will be out of my life soon enough. I'm not going to also buy them a 'goodbye gift'. Perhaps I'll "give" them the finger. Hey; was Wendy's chili on your register?)

15. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands!

(Overnight Guy's Comment: I don't know how a person ends up in handing out towels in a restroom. THIS MUST BE ONE OF THE JOBS THAT MEXICANS HAVE TO DO BECAUSE AMERICANS WON'T.)

16. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

(Overnight Guy's Comment: If you talk to children, or the parents/guardians of children, then you have to expect the probability of a response. Blah blah blah blah blah, and then blah blah blah. What could possibly prompt an intelligent person to want to ask questions of a person with a child? Are you that sick for human contact? Perhaps you should get some chili and look up some old high school classmates; play with your eyebrows at the coffee bar; or drink flavored water and watch some new fake reality tv.)

I answered this e-mail THIS time because it's been sent to me by 3 people already; 2 ex girlfriends, and one old drinking buddy who swears that I started this thing. I did not start this thing; I'm a busy, busy drunk. You can tell that I didn't start this thing because there are no answers (directly) involving caffeine, nicotine, or sex. Mine would have nothing about coffee bars, eyebrows, or toddlers, either. Somebody had a pretty good concept here; so I'm just picking up the bowl and tossing it back into the food fight. Happy Freakin' Easter.

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