Old Newspaper News

(Starting with the week ending 8-29-04)


On CNN tv news, a BOLD headline about the state of affairs in Florida after Jeanne's storm dance; 'More that 34,000 people have already applied for federal aid.' These words did not move; they were headlines on the screen. Ha.

Overnight Guy's Comment: #1. It should be 'More THAN 34,000...'. #2. Don't you think that more than 34,000 people will be asking for aid before it's all over? Isn't this particular headline totally unnecessary? Is CNN a joke like the rest of them now?

2. The national deficit is over $400 billion. Well, that's what the papers say, anyway. Politicians keep talking about a middle class tax cut, too.

Overnight Guy's Comment: I'm just over here, loving my country (ha), and wondering how I can afford to make it halfway into October. It's not looking good for me financially.

2 and a half: "Pops" Frisby, a walk-on receiver for the South Carolina Gamecocks (I affectionately call them the "Superchickens"), made his college debut in the 17-7 victory over Troy on Saturday. Frisby is 39 years young.

Overnight Guy's Comment: He's a 20-year Army vet. The NCAA finally cleared him to play this weekend; there were legitamite eligibility concerns from his time at 2 Allentown, PA high schools that kept him on the sidelines for the first two games. But he's playing now, baby! And I want this guy to catch 20 touchdown passes, and get in fights, and have all the fun that can come from college football.

3. (From the safe-driving southwest:) A sting at the Motor Vehicle Departments of Arizona found that 26 state workers are guilty of taking bribes to give drivers licenses to illegal immigrants. Workers at 10 different locations took the bribes.

Overnight Guy's Comment: I can't fucking believe this shit. These are supposed to be state workers, entrusted to keep authority, morality; expected to uphold the law--in the simplest order of tasks. Ha. "Buy your drivers license here."

Sunday 9-12-04

1. A mother in Phoenix goes to the bar, and leaves her baby daughter in the car--while mom starts drinking. Mom sends a random bar customer out every 30 minutes or so to check on the kid. Mom gets good and drunk.

Overnight Guy's Comment: One guy got tired of being asked to go check on the baby, and called the cops. The cops showed, and arrested the drunk mom. This story is so good, you think I'm making this shit up--don't you?, the names of the people involved are not released yet while it's all under investigation. I love these stories.

2. Here in Arizona there is a ballot initiative to require U. S. citizenship for voting and welfare purposes. At this time, 66% of people in the state favor this measure.

Overnight Guy's Comment: It's basic common sense to any person with a clue that a person should have to prove citizenship to cast a vote OR to get free money from the state. I can't believe only 2/3 of the legal lizards in this desert agree with it--it should be like, 90%.

2 and a half: The figures have been released. All totaled; 80% of the 10th-graders in Arizona flunked the AIMS test.

Overnight Guy's Comment: 4 out of 5? Wow. See; now this isn't like what skool was like back in my day. If 80% of one of my classes were all flunking, my parents would do my homework WITH me to make sure that I was...Get-R-Done! I don't know why this is so hard for the angry strippers. Aww, who gives a shit? We should just lock the kids, strapped in their little car seats, you know, leave 'em in the car. At the bar. Or at work. Sure.

3. From the mobile oven state: 27 yr. old Kim Crawford of Mesa drove to work Thursday. She somehow forgot to drop off her 4-month old daughter at daycare; leaving the baby in the car for more than 3 hours while the infant's body temperature reached 109 degrees. The baby is still in critical condition.

Overnight Guy's Comment: This seems to be a trend--forgetting the children in the car. Apparently there still are no rules for breeding; keep up the great work people.

Sunday, 9-5-04

1A. On September 14th, the temporary ban on sales of assault rifles will be lifted.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Well that's good to know. "Pawn Shop Uzi's" would be a good band name.

1B. "Global oil crisis lurking. Demand growing, supply leveling off." And despite record revenues, oil companies are barely increasing their production capacity. Fuel prices will soon be higher than they've ever been.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Higher than they've ever been? High gas prices is/are how you keep the middle class paying out their ass. And look; nobody is thinking about solutions. Isn't this great? I love this country.

2. Normally I don't get way political. But I did find it amusing over the last few weeks how the Swift Boat Veterans tv commercials denounced Kerry's actions while serving in Vietnam--although George Bush did not serve. Here's why those commercials aren't on tv anymore.
It turns out that the lawyer for the Swift Boat Veterans is (was) also the lawyer for the Bush-Cheney campaign. Seriously. The world finds this out after the Bush-Cheney campaign has made repeated announcements that there is "no connection" between the Swift Boaters and the president. Seriously. The lawyer, Benjamin Ginsberg, has since resigned form the Bush campaign.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Now you would think that having the same lawyer, or perhaps BEING the same lawyer working for BOTH the Swift Boaters AND the president MIGHT look kind of questionable--and a little like a link. It makes the poor average guy (me) wonder what the Republicans think they are doing.

2 and a half: Some parents argue that teaching kids about condoms in school enables those kids (for sex) to a certain extent. I guess I can see both sides, can you?
The product is called RU-21. You take it before you start drinking; it doesn't stop you from getting drunk, but (in a few hours--during sleep) it helps your body to break down/deal with alcohol effectively, and it prevents the buildup of acetaldehyde--a toxic by-product of alcohol metabolism. (The California company that distributes it is Spirit Sciences. They may have a website; the product is sold as a "dietary supplement" so the FDA is not involved yet.)

Overnight Guy's Comment: Wait, wait, wait. It eliminates BOTH hangovers AND alcohol poisoning? It's like a dream drug, huh? Enable me; right over here. No more hangovers, and no more alcohol poisoning; I'll drink to that--and the kids will, too!

3. From the immigration capital that is the southwest. Have you ever heard me say "I couldn't make this shit up" about a news item? How about my saying something like "No White person could have come up with this without being called a racist."? A couple of e-mails came to me about this story, and I didn't believe them (who would?)...then I saw the previews on television. You probably saw them, too; did the storyline register in your brain? I ain't believin' this shit:
"Green Card"; the new reality show where illegal immigrants do crazy 'Survivor'-type stunts, and the winner gets full U. S. citizenship. Check your local listings.

Overnight Guy's Comment: No fucking way. National criminals galmourized on tv. This is real; I saw the previews again yesterday. What do you think about this? I need to do a commentary, huh?

BONUS from the desert: The only pro football team that lost money last year was the Arizona Cardinals. The average profit earned by an NFL team was $26.6 million. The Cardinals, however, lost $4.9 million.

Sunday, 8-29-04

1. We've all heard of the documentary "Outfoxed"; it's all about how the Fox News Channel is neither fair nor balanced. Supposedly Fox is a completely Republican discipline, and meant to cast a negative light on anything non-Republican (like "democracy"). I said "supposedly" because in our Michael Moore reality, where we are, people can easily prove whatever they set out to. So it turns out that this is no conspiracy accounting; it's all true. Fox News is a crock. A former Phoenix anchor for Fox is the only one who had the balls to go on camera and talk about it.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Wow. What about journalistic integrity and stuff? I've got your free press dangling here. I need to see this thing.

2. From the Olympic Sports Coverage, we get this warning: Gene-altered athletes will totally change the way we record records.

Overnight Guy's Comment: We will long for the days of simple performance-enhancement. Please. I don't make this shit up--I don't know if I COULD make this shit up, but check it out; we'll splice some hummingbird, or maybe some mouse or cheetah DNA into a track star; are you with me? Then he'll be able to run 9,000 miles per hour. Or, wait, 15,000 kilometers. Whatever.

2 and a half: 16 students going to 3 different Scottsdale high schools are all facing charges for being part of a heroin ring. Students as young as 13 were on the demand side of this supply issue.

Overnight Guy's Comment: We will long for the days of simple pot-smoking. Please. See; I didn't have access to heroin until I was old enough to know better. Be sure to keep having children everybody; you're doing a great job at it.

3. Oh you won't fucking believe this; Arizona has a $13 million fund of taxpayers' money to fly illegal immigrants back to Mexico. We fly them back. I told you that you wouldn't believe it.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Show me 1 taxpayer who agrees to take money out of his own paycheck to do this shit. Fly? We put these criminals on our airplanes; how long have we been doing this? Why can't we march them "Cool Hand Luke"-style, in chains and zebra stripes, back to the border for a good old-fashioned beat-down?

Arizona Bonus: The school kids out here are even dumber than the ones in Georgia; just go with me on this for now, it'll make sense soon--maybe. Out here there's more scum than just the pregnant strippers and the "you can't stop me" teenage girls; out here we also have the illegal immigrant criminals and the Fundamentalists all breeding ASAP. It's a mess. And the kids are dumb--only the lawmakers seem to have caught on. Right; so Arizona kids can't compete on any level nationally. Trying to at least fake like they care, Arizona lawmakers came up with this test for Arizona kids, the AIMS test (Arizona's Instrument to Measure Standards), which is a much easier test that will make it look like Arizona high school seniors really aren't that far behind. Do you get it? It's just a band-aid over a bullet hole, but even I see the point--it's good politics.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Last year, in the paper, they actually printed some of the questions. This shit is for babies; what color is the sky, where is Canada, does the arrow point north or south? I am seriously contending that pre-first graders should be able to pass this fucking retarded test, but the test was given to 10th graders. This year, 2004, again--I couldn't make this shit up, 10th graders; 61% failed math, 41% failed reading, and 38% failed writing. Know what this means? It means that the writing test isn't hard enough, ha! Now, the kids do have 2 years to figure out some of these more delicate inquiries, like 'when driving, what do you do at a yellow light?' But Arizona is a beautiful early example of what happens when you don't pay teachers squat, and there are no rules for breeding. Keep shittin' out the babies you dumbass bitches--you're doing such a great job! God damn I love this country!

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