Overnight Guy's Comment: So we're going to show those guys how to patrol THEIR border, because we do such a great job of it here. I get it. This is like some bad Saturday Night Live sketch.
#2 Mexico City; UNICEF'S "The State of the World's Children 2003" report is now out, and you know how I love to rip on women and children. Okay; 150 million kids are malnourished, 120 million school-aged children are not in school, and 6,000 kids a day are infected with HIV. Most of the children said they have no faith in government, didn't trust politicians, and had no role models.
Overnight Guy's Comment: There was alot of information about the study in the newspaper article. In general, all over the world, children are becoming more pessimistic and less trusting. Hey, why don't we all just stop what we're doing and shit out a whole bunch of kids? Static Girl said 'no'.
#2 and a half: You want me to talk about Trent Lott, don't you? You should.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Remember folks; you can grab a microphone and say any kind of crazy racist shit you want; you can even say you want to "smack all white people in the head". But you can do this ONLY if you are NOT white. Trent said that he wished Strom would have been elected president 50 years ago, because then we wouldn't be having all of the problems we're having now. Seriously; that's it. That's all he said. Racist? Wild, huh? But because Trent is White, now he's an evil White Klan Master Wizard Genocide Supremist. Ooooo, I'm scared.
BIGFOOT SIGHTING; okay, not really. Ray Wallace claims to be the prankster who made all the Bigfootprints; he also claims that the famous film is actually his (Wallace's) wife in a gorilla suit. Whatever, well ol' Ray died this week. No further word on his wife, or the gorilla suit.
#3 (from the sandy ashtray you cannot smoke in) Phoenix has a budget crisis, maybe you've heard of it by now. And even though the federal government has already given Arizona MORE money for border patrol agents and more police officers, NOW Phoenix is considering a 20% cut in police and fire department personnel. They want to lay off 600 police officers.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Enough is enough. It's time for the rich people of the world, starting with those rat fucks who have more than one home, to start paying some damn extra money. In fact, what you do is start with a (pay attention) HOME OWNER'S TAX, make 'em pay 10% of whatever the fuck their houses are worth--every other year. (Oh, gee, your house is worth more this year? Well, then you can pay more this year.) See how easy this is? Plus, it's an extra incentive to sell your house for less than it's worth--thereby creating MORE home owners. I'm a fucking genius. Bill Hicks was right; there is no economy.
One more nugget from the future west coast beach; 8,000 Arizona DPS files that possibly could show racial profiling have disappeared from the record, but that's not the real problem. The real problem is that a total of 25,000 files are still missing.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Non-educated aren't going to be able to read this report; besides, they're too busy shitting out a kid every year to realize that they are the problem. Women; sheesh.
#2 You've seen the "face on Mars"; it's a picture of a rock formation that resembles a human face. It's from the Viking expediiton, 1976. Well there's a big smokescreen up from the American government, due in part to "The Brookings Report" from 1963. This report says that the U.S. government should cover-up (and utilize disinformation of) any proof of life on other planets--if it finds any--to avoid any religious confrontations. ASU is in a little trouble for making noise about the face right now.
Overnight Guy's Comment: What about Roswell in 1947? The military said that we recovered a crashed flying saucer; the military SAID it. I say that the Brookings Report is a good idea; what we need here is to get everybody on the same page. Are we agreed?
#2 and a half: According to VISA (credit card company), the DISCOVER is not a real credit card.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Isn't this great? In psychological terms, I think the doctors would call this "denial".
#3 (from our sandy neighborhood) Phoenix is spending approximately $331,000 for its media campaign to urge residents and businesses to reduce water usage.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Really? How does this play in the same sandbox with that other campaign about how drinking Phoenix's water is safe? I'm getting mixed signals here.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Thank God.
#2 Nothing; I've got nothing. Wait a second; released to the public, there's some 20 yr. old British UFO encounter that's all messed up, bodies and spaceships and green blood, and proves some element of cover-up, and it's all out in the open now. Woo-hoo.
Overnight Guy's Comment: There ain't no aliens, no spaceships, no bodies; nothing. Pay no attention to that October dig in Roswell. Bite me.
#2 and a half: Boston, Mass: College parents are "out of control"; harassing admissions boards, making threats, offering bribes, etc. Doing and saying anything to get their kiddies into college.
Overnight Guy's Comment: See; this is the type of shit that I don't understand. Parents are stupid, kids are stupid, college is stupid. Does that pretty much cover everything? Okay; is it time to eat/smoke/kick some dead people yet?
#3 (from the desert) Chandler, AZ: Billy Canfield is on the record as a miracle baby; he had 4 heart surgeries at the age of 3 months, received an artificial valve at 6 months, and got a pacemaker at 6 years. At the age of 17, last Friday night, Billy Canfield was killed by a driver running a red light.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Medical miracles are once again trumped by traffic terrors. Billy deserved better.
Overnight Guy's Comment: North Korea is like a bitchy stripper who thinks that she's the most important girl in the bar; she needs to be slapped.
#2 San Diego, CA; Saying that teenage use of Ecstasy is reaching epidemic levels, the DEA plans to double the number of club-drug investigations.
Overnight Guy's Comment: I remember this EXACT SAME story 6 years ago. I think that the DEA needs some better drugs.
#2 and a half: Lincoln, Neb: At least 81 people treated at a cancer clinic have tested positive for Hepatitis C. Repeated use of needles is most likely the problem.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Really? And I thought that needle-sharing was such a good idea!
More shit for you to wipe; U.S. Senators got another raise; they're up to $155K plus travel, meal, and car allowances. An International Congress has recommended that we start having more sex to boost the economy; cute, huh? And I put that little sex reference there to lessen the impact of this real live military X-File here; with the exception of ONE of the FOUR Ft. Bragg killings, the Beltway sniper, the University of Arizona gunman, the Ft. Bragg murders, and the Oklahoma City bombing were ALL committed by veterans of the 1991 Gulf War. Sweet dreams.
#3 (from the immigrant oasis) Arizona has no money, the food banks are empty, and the schools need repairs. In Tombstone, a group of Americans has issued a public "call to arms" because our government obviously cannot be depended upon to secure our borders. (Personally I like this idea.)
Overnight Guy's Comment: Blood. Shed. Boom. Give me a gun.
Overnight Guy's Comment: This is funny. Are there fat kids in the starving countries? Can we send our fat kids to the starving countries?
#2 National: A survey of CEO's indicates that 60% of U.S. companies will eliminate jobs, and companies won't increase spending on new equipment next year because the U.S. economy is expanding at an anemic pace.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Corporate America is so cute.
#2 and a half: Pro Football; you may know that the Arizona Cardinals have the lowest average attendance of any football team; 39,153. The second lowest average, Cincinnati, is 56,915.
Overnight Guy's Comment: The fucking Bengals get 18,000 more butts in seats than we do; how exactly is that?
More shit to make you shake your head; Bill Gates is giving $100 million to fight AIDS in India (lemon juice there, Bill), Eminem's "8 Mile" was the top movie in the nation last week--$54.5 million (Has it really come to this?), Iraq had until Friday to submit to being our little brown bobbing bitch, but her mouth is still shut; The Pope told the Italians to go make some babies/reverse the declining birth rate (the Pope needs to shut his 80 yr. old ass up).
#3 from the quiet neighborhood of Mesa, AZ: Wednesday night, Arthur Curthey, 50, beat his wife to death with a hammer, callled 911, and threatened to shoot police when they arrived.
Overnight Guy's Comment: A hammer? Wow, that's really kinda...a hammer? Man, I just--you mean like my hammer; a regular hammer? Wow. And then he called 911 and bragged about it? Wow.
More sand; from the Elliot child-care center in Ahwatukee Foothills; a 20 yr. old female employee there breast-fed a child that was not her own, and that is completely disgusting. Breast milk can transmit blood-borne diseases like HIV and Hepatitis. Women and fucking babies; I swear. Hilariously, I giggle.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Sometimes I am glad to no longer be associated with the music industry; those dumbasses.
#2 Carson City, Nev.; Attorney General Frankie Su Del Papa is suing El Paso Corp. and Sempra Energy; Del Papa alleges that the companies colluded to drive up Western natural gas prices.
Overnight Guy's Comment: It won't be done by the media of course, but if you were to dig in the right places--what you would find is that the government "helped" this collusion to drive up natural gas prices. It is the governments' job to keep us dependent on crude oil and the tyrants who sell it to us. Watch this little Nevada story die quickly.
#2 and a half: Atlanta, GA; Women who have Caesarean births (not real childbirth) are opting to repeat the procedure 85% of the time.
Overnight Guy's Comment: This is bad; you have to make the women SHIT the babies out. Otherwise there is no pain, no risk, and stupid-assed women will be wanting to have a baby every year. We fix this little situation by OUTLAWING C-section births; but nobody listens to me.
More; a Time magazine poll puts those in favor of medical marijuana at 80% (that's 4 out of 5 people who know how to read--the dumb ones are already toking it up). Cap'n Crunch is now making 'little chocolate donuts' cereal (John Belushi's turning over in his grave). A Sony Playstation now costs only $50; Gran Turismo is $10. McDonalds still has 43% of the quick-service hamburger market.
#3 from right here in Rockford-Fosgate central; Scottsdale/National: Car stereos are already annoying with the new 100 watt stereos that come standard. In order to appeal to young male drivers, some car makers are putting in stereos with over 1000 watts. A jet engine cranks out 75 decibels; some of these "big mutha" stereos register between 100-155 decibels.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Boom-Boom Motherfucker, Boom-Boom Motherfucker! Now that's what I call music; NOT.
More from the $billion local deficit: Peoria's Rose Valley water was shut down for 4 days because there might have been some meningitis-causing shit in it. In Glendale, where I work--God I love this one, Geoffrey Thomas Frank was evicted from his apartment on West Olive rd, so he set the place on fire (if I can't live here, then nobody can). In Tempe, college land, there are 6 Starbucks and 7 tattoo parlors; while needing permits, licenses, and to meet regulations to run a coffee shop, ANY drunk child-molester with a needle can do tattoos in Tempe--it's the law.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Yes, I was worried about those metal bats chipping, splitting, and shattering; dangerous splinters flying up into the faces of kids and all. We should just outlaw metal bats. 'Safer'? Is that hilarious or what?
#2 California: The Polo Ralph Lauren Company is being sued by employee Toni Young, because employees are forced to buy the company's expensive clothing (uniforms), but the clothing is not provided by the company.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Some of the employees make less than $10 an hour (like me), but they are expected to buy and wear those $50 Polo shirts. See; I never get to be in any good lawsuits; I would have led this one.
#2 and a half: National; The Glaxo Co. got the "OK" from the FDA to produce nicotine-laced hard candy--to hook children on nicotine. Last year, the FDA did not give the "OK" on nicotine-laced lollipops, because THAT would be a little too obvious.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Using candy to orally fixate kids into smoking; is this a great country or what?
Look at all of this shit: On November 12th, Rhino Home Video will release "The Happy Holiday Hearth" on DVD. This hour-long "screen-saver" for your tv will picture a roaring fireplace, complete with crackle sounds. It's only $7.95, but if you order now...2 from across the pond; The European Union alleges that R.J. Reynolds smuggles cigarettes into Iraq, and that Saddam makes million$ off of them; French McDonalds commercials come with a disclaimer advising children to eat this food no more than once a week; or else they risk obesity and health problems. Stolen shopping carts cost U.S. retailers $180 million a year. At the lowest mark since 1993, "consumer confidence" fell 14 points in October--whatever that means. And Kodak developed a much better computer monitor, using OLED's (organic light-emitting diodes), back in the 1980's; these monitors are brighter, more colorful, thinner, lighter, they use less power, and they are STILL not available to the public.
#3 (from the desert) Tempe, AZ: A new bar is opening up, called "The Library"; you can donate a book and get a free beer. Also; all the girls will dress as either librarians or plaid-skirted schoolgirls.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Life is good.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Kills HIV? Now here's a story you won't read in any newspaper, especially not a Gannett paper.
#2 National: For the first time in 5 years, the national budget is at a deficit of $159 billion. And now Bushie wants to give the Russians a $10 billion bribe to stop helping Iran develop nuclear weapons.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Hey Bushie, why don't you bribe me to not kick your whiney ass?
#2 and a half; National: Teenage girls tend to shy away from business jobs. 60% of girls in school say they would quit "working" to care for children, and do not expect careers.
Overnight Guy's Comment: They don't want to work; they don't want to make any real money either; they just want a reason to start having children. God I love women. Aren't women cute?
More: N. Carolina has ceased all cosmetic government water usage in respect of the drought. Alaska decriminalized possession of homegrown marijuana in 1975. Here's a winner; the FDA is cracking down on the illegal importing of decorative contact lenses (Apparently there is a widespread problem of Americans paying money to put foreign objects in their eyes. I find this hilarious--bordering on psychotic).
#3 Arizona: The Border Patrol warns against aiding illegal immigrants. The Tucson-based Samaritan Patrol has been transporting these criminals to churches and hospitals.
Overnight Guy's Comment: These Samaritans need a new hobby.
More desert rain; a 13 yr. old girl was hit by a car while walking through a crosswalk and blabbing on her cellphone; I can't wait for her to be old enough to drive.
Overnight Guy's Comment: The Agriculture Dept. didn't, and still doesn't have a test for listeria, so let's look at the big picture here.
#2 Washington; A year after September 11th, you would think that people would know better than to take weapons through airports. Not quite. During September of 2002; 62,000 knives were screened, 59 firearms, and 2900 boxcutters.
Overnight Guy's Comment: That's in 1 month? Why do we let these people live?
#2 and a half: Guadalajara, Mexico; (a stripper's revenge) Miriam Yukie Gaona, former stripper, has been posing as a plastic surgeon since 1998. She claimed to be injecting people, mainly women, with citrus and collagen. Instead, she was injecting them with a mix of industrial silicone (used to seal car parts), soy oil, and a gelatin-like substance. Highly toxic, many women are now suffering from lumps in their breasts, hardening of muscles, and blackened skin. 346 women have been treated at state hospitals so far.
Overnight Guy's Comment: What a gorgeous car wreck! 400 or so people signed up and paid money for illegal injections--from a stripper with a needle, and they got screwed! If Miriam doesn't go to jail, then she should get into politics.
More national nuggets; North Korea, part of the "axis of evil", says that they have been testing weapons of mass destruction since 1994--and they are ready to share their weapons with the rest of the world. Duct tape cures warts better than liquid nitrogen, and "Question 9" is the Nevada ballot issue that would allow adults to possess up to 3 ounces of pot, which could be taxed and sold in licensed shops.
#3 (from the north central circus that is 11th st. and Bell; MY neighborhood) A bar fight spilled out of River City Pockets pool hall, where 3 guys chased down an innocent onlooker (what are you looking at) and beat him to death. And this used to be such a nice neighborhood...More from the state office; so far this year in Arizona only 4 babies have drowned in bathtubs. Go team.
Overnight Guy's Comment: The bar-fighting nazis don't live up here, and the number of drowned babies is DOWN from the last 2 years. Look at me trying to put a positive spin on all this.
Overnight Guy's Comment: I just found the problem; 1%? We should have 25% solar energy NOW; all new buildings should be built with solar panels and specs for 50% power. This is what happens when you let morons run things.
#2 Washington: Health regulators have stopped imports of herbal "yellow jackets" that are being promoted as an "alternative to illegal street drugs". But these are just your standard ephedra and snortable caffeine pills. So it's actually the Dutch operator of the Yellow Jacket web site who is being punished for a brilliant advertising campaign.
Overnight Guy's Comment: The government makes too much money off of coke and crack to let legal drugs cut into it; especially some Dutch guy.
#2 and a half: Newark, NJ; Xenon headlights are now the single most often stolen item from luxury cars. Sometimes entire car lots are hit.
Overnight Guy's Comment: They are extremely popular with the c-rappers, hip hoppers and wiggers of our culture. Jeez. These people need to snort more glue, and quit fucking with hundred-dollar headlights. "Xenon" was an excellent pinball machine back in the 70's.
More national news; stocks are way down, but CEO pay keeps rising. The Longshoremen lock-out cost us $1 billion a day for like, 8 days? Children laugh 400 times a day; adults average 15 times. We're supposed to give Israel 3-days notice before we ass-rape Saddam; sure. Oh by the way; our government tested nerve gas on U.S. citizens 30 years before Saddam gassed his own people; so be careful who you call a terrorist, okay?
#3 (from the solar power-less center): Scottsdale, AZ: Closet kleptomaniac Larry Melsky, 65, was caught shoplifting, again, at a Fry's grocery in Gilbert. Store security took him to the back; he struggled, then fell and hit his head. He would later die in a hospital. This incident took place while Larry's wife was outside waiting for him--with the car running! His wife didn't even know that he had been convicted of shoplifting twice before.
Overnight Guy's Comment: I kind of feel sorry for this woman, who will now live the rest of her life knowing that she did NOT know her husband that well.
More disposable energy: Everybody's favorite crack mama, Demitres Robinson, 23, on trial for killing her 3rd crack baby, just had her 4th crack baby, while in custody! (You don't see Demitres dicking around with ephedra or xenon headlights, do you? No.)
Overnight Guy's Comment: "Deter"? That's the big catch-phrase? I think we're way, WAY, past "deter" now. Those towel-heads need US to fix THEIR problem; they'd better not fire shit at us.
#2 Billings, Montana: Jimmy Ray Bromgard, 33, was released from prison after serving 15 years for raping an 8 yr. old girl. Prosecutors said that DNA evidence proves his innocence.
Overnight Guy's Comment: "Prosecutors"? These are the people who said he was guilty 15 years ago. Are these prosecutors apologizing now? Let's punish these "prosecutors" for being able to prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that ol' Jimmy Ray was guilty.
#2 and a half: Atlanta, GA; Police have charged Nakia Burgess, 28, with murder and cruelty to children because Nakia left her 3 yr.old daughter (with Down syndrome) strapped in a sweltering car on the first day of her new job. The daughter was later pronounced dead at a hospital, with a body temperature of 108 degrees. Burgess' attorney said that her client left the child in the car because she couldn't find affordable day care.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Females get upset with me because I'm always saying that 'women are stupid', and then a story like this comes along (snicker). This Burgess bitch cooks her kid in a car seat, and she WILL be allowed to have more children--I promise you. Women are so cute.
#3 (from our safe little sandbox) Glendale, AZ (where I work): Graciela Zazueta was shot dead in her apartment at 3:50 am this week while on the phone with 911 operators--complaining that her crazy ex-husband was at the door. After killing her, the man flees. So; she's dead, and then the 6 yr. old daughter has to come out and finish the phone call with the operator. Later, the ex-husband is found shot dead in his apartment; apparently this was a dual-location murder/suicide.
Overnight Guy's Comment: This is a horrifying, post-traumatic tragedy; no jokes. Gracie deserved better.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Might? This a great measure of how America deals with a "new" (or unique) threat. I don't think they even care.
#2 The Dow hit a 4-year low on Wednesday, and consumer confidence is the lowest it's been since November of 2001.
Overnight Guy's Comment: I can't even afford a savings account, much less invest in lying corporations; it's a slow news week.
#2 and a half: That little guy in the White House wants congressional approval to provide military training for up to 10,000 members of Iraqi opposition.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Okay; we're already bombing the shit out of Iraqi defense sites, and we're already getting set for a massive Iraqi invasion. But now Bushie wants "permission" to train Saddam's pissed off neighbors. What kind of crap is this? Train 'em or stain 'em.
#3 (from my lake-front desert home) Illegal immigrants are expensive to Arizona hospitals; for the state, some counts are as high as $400 million.
Overnight Guy's Comment: But it can be hard to get the exact amount because of all the politically correct bullshit about exactly what makes an illegal immigrant. The scary part is that the actual amount could be twice as much.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Well, at least our military is staying a week ahead of the media on this one. Oh, and be sure to tell your tree-hugging buddies with their "No war on Iraq" posters to keep pacing around in their little circles. Pacifists (like feminists) are so cute. Bite me.
#2 Washington: The National Low Income Housing Coalition, in its annual "Out of Reach" report, found that the average U.S. employee must make nearly 3 times the federal minimum wage, or about $14.66 an hour, to afford a modest 2-bedroom rental and still pay for basic needs.
Overnight Guy's Comment: I make a little over half of that, and so does Static Girl; no wonder we're so broke!
#2 and a half: Beijing, China: A jealous business rival, Chen Zhengping, has admitted to spiking the food of a nearby snack shop with rat poison, killing 38 people, mostly schoolchildren, and sending hundreds more to the hospital. Witnesses said that some patrons collapsed right in front of the shop, bleeding from the mouth and ears.
Overnight Guy's Comment: "Bleeding from the mouth and ears"? Holy shit; I'm drooling. This is better than any movie coming out of Hollywood right now.
Hey yeah, speaking of the truth being better than anything coming out of Hollywood right now; pay attention, because like the Titanic sinking--this is real:
The West Nile virus is IN our blood supply, and we have NO way to test for it, much less filter it out.
We could talk about the Santa Cruz, CA, mayor Christopher Krohn supporting the free governmental dispensing of marijuana to any and all who can provide a doctor's note for it, but that's good news. I want you to think about the unchecked killer blood virus in our supply. G'night.
#3 (from the sandy valley that is now my home) Folks, there is no way to narrow this down; we must do 2 major stories from the desert, and a couple of extras:
Ajo, AZ: 85 yr. old William Novick, also known as George Baker, is a sexual predator throughout the Southwest. He is known to befriend elderly women in order to gain access to their grandchildren, who he then seduces and molests. A search of his trailer in Texas reportedly found over 200 pictures of Novick with young children. Novick is an extremely ambitious man, huh?
Phoenix patrolman Anthony William Bunten (a 4-year veteran), 34, had sex with a 13 yr. old boy he met on the internet. This was on Bell road (where I live). He was caught by the victim's 10 yr. old brother, who walked in on them while they were having sex.
Overnight Guy's Comment: If you're going to molest children, you've GOT to LOCK the door, dumbass.
And while we're talking about perverts, remember that Arizona doctors and dentists can keep practicing, even after being CONVICTED of sex crimes. Continuing the permeating pervert theme here; at the Safeway Inc. warehouse in Tempe, male employees have been spying through a peephole into the female restroom for 20 years now--and now the women want some money for it. And while we're talking criminal activity, in Flagstaff violent crime increased 47% last year.
And I have one final note from the desert land that is next-door; Nevada. As you may know, gambling and prostitution are both legal in Nevada; I never really stopped to think about how cool that was, but wait'll you get a load of this: there is a real-live initiative, a legal reform, people are actually fucking voting to decide whether marijuana should be legal in Nevada. This is not medical chemotherapy bud, this is not 'less than an ounce is a misdemeanor' paperwork, THIS is LEGALIZED POT in Nevada. And if this shit goes through, I am SO fucking already living in Las Vegas--my van parked in back of some telemarketing room/sports bar/brothel somewhere with smoke billowing, I mean BILLOWING out like some goddamn 70's Cheech and Chong movie. I'll show you 'up in smoke'; blow me for a bong hit, baby!