Old Newspaper News

(starting June 2nd, 2002)

Sunday, September 15th, 2002

#1 Miami, FL: Florida's child welfare agency employs at least 183 people with criminal pasts like child molestation, child abuse, and sex crimes against children. This department has been under fire for months because of the way it has (mis)handled cases involving missing and abused children.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Horse; water; drink.

#2 Hollywood fun: Winona Ryder may have a history of shoplifting and bad behavior, although she's only been arrested for shoplifting once. The prosecution hopes to somehow establish a pattern.
In L.A., a droopy-eyed, drooling Nick Nolte was pulled over in his '92 Mercedes for swerving and squealing tires. His publicist says that Nolte was not drunk, but high on drugs.
(What a relief!)
In Pasadena, a small crowd of people were waiting outside radio station KIIS-FM to meet Justin Timberlake. Anne White, 21, was standing on the sidewalk when a pickup truck backed up and hit her. She was pinned under the truck, which then went forward, dragging her for a block and killing her.
(Insert your own 'what the fuck?' comment here.)

#2 and a half; Mexico City: That lying, pussy, water-stealing corporate Coke whore, Vicente Fox, will NOT back President Bush in an attack on Iraq, but still wants Bush to open up the borders and make a few million Mexican criminals legal U.S. citizens. Isn't that cute?

Overnight Guy's Comment: Okay; let's go invade Mexico, and put Vicente Fox's head on a goddamn stick and parade it around Mexico City, with a big trailing banner that says "Saddam is next!"; that'd look pretty good on tv. I oughta be in fucking politics by now.

#3 (from the sandpit) To fix Arizona's $billion budget shortfall, hundreds of millions of dollars will be taken from the state parks and schools budgets.

Overnight Guy's Comment: You probably think I'm making this up.

Sunday, September 8th, 2002

#1 Vilnius, Lithuania (I don't even know what fucking continent we're talking about here) To face a traffic police shortage, and rampant speeding on those Lithuanian racetracks disguised as roads (?), about 300 cardboard cut-out cops have been propped up on the sides of streets to slow speeders. Ready for the kicker? It apparently works.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Respect my (cardboard) authority!

#2 New York; Reporters investigating airport security were able to smuggle small knives, pepper spray and razor blades through checkpoints at 11 major U.S. airports during the Labor Day weekend.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Weapons! Why does it always have to be fucking weapons? Why can't somebody smuggle some good old-fashioned drugs anymore?

#2 and a half: You knew college was a bad joke, right? 44% of college students carried credit card balances in 1999-2000. Among those, the average debt was $3,066. Credit card companies now target all students; not just juniors and seniors. Some Universities contribute to the problem by entering contracts with credit card companies; like the University of Tennessee's 7-year, $16.5 million contract with First USA that gives the company the financial information about all of the University's students.

Overnight Guy's Comment: This is outrageous, invasive, and illegal in at least 3 different ways. Have fun down there at UT!

#3 (3 from the desert) A. Scottsdale, AZ; those poor students at Coronado High School were dismissed at 12:15 pm Wednesday because their air conditioning was broken.
B. Ahwatukee male, 12-yr old Sean Connelly threw rocks at a beehive, and as the bees swarmed, he ran out into traffic and was splattered by a minivan.
C. Glendale, AZ (near where I work) Tere Lopez, 30, told police she was "handling" a .22 caliber handgun in front of her baby, when the weapon discharged, shooting her 18-month old little girl.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Sometimes I wish I would have made it onto a telelvision news show so that I could smirk through the occaisional stupid woman/baby story like this one. "I guess ol' Tere's baby would have been safer sitting in a smokey bar somewhere, huh?"

Monday, September 2nd, 2002

#1Los Angeles, CA: Compact disc music sales fell 7% during the first half of this year. This decline has cost the music industry $284 million, as people are downloading more music, burning CD's, and buying less.

Overnight Guy's Comment: I've already been played by the music industry, and the small, worthy record stores are drying up. The whole business can go straight to hell; CD's should be free anyway.

#2 Oslo, Norway: McDonalds has come out with the new "McAfrika" burger. Okay; beef and vegetables wrapped in pita bread is either a gyro (in Europe) or a soft taco (in Mexico), but McDonalds tastelessly misspells it the "McAfrika" BURGER.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Sell these things in Cincinnati and watch the riots return.

#2 and a half: The real Africa: Zambia and Zimbabwe have already rejected humanitarian shipments of grain, because the grain is genetically modified. Zambia President Levy Mwanawasa said "We would rather starve than get something toxic."

Overnight Guy's Comment: You will eat whatever the fuck is given to your dumb black asses. Why exactly are we trying so hard to save this stupid continent?

#3 (from the desert) Scottsdale, AZ: Salon owner Valerie Pape plead guilty to shooting her husband in the back. A receipt for a reciprocating saw is found in her purse, and she was caught red-handed disposing her husband's torso in a dumpster. Now she faces a maximum of 16 years in jail.

Overnight Guy's Comment: There's something very wrong here; see if you can figure it out.

Just so you know; Arizonans have voted FOR medical marijuana twice, and a 1996 law makes medicinal marijuana available--with a doctor's prescription. But state lawmakers effectively nixed the practice. Proposition 203 comes up in November, but even if passed it will just be the third ignored marijuana initiative.

Sunday, August 25th, 2002

Some people say that I never report any positive news; that all of my little nuggets here are always negative and shortcoming. Well fuck them. And fuck you, too. I may be obsessed with the dark side, but sometimes something positive will sneak in here, like:

#1 ASU Professor Han Zhu has developed a process that uses cement and crumb rubber (from used tires) to make a new form of portland cement concrete. It's used for roads and house foundations (ASU sidewalks, our ADOT parking lot, etc.).

Overnight Guy's Comment: Brilliant. Nice job. Fucking boring, too.

#2 Washington; A phone survey of 1000 12-17 yr olds confirmed (for the first time) that pot is easier to get than alcohol or cigarettes. 27% of those surveyed said that they could get pot in an hour or less.

Overnight Guy's Comment: I used to could get pot in an hour or less, too. I guess I'm just getting too old now.

#2 and a half: Brilliance from the business world; from Denver, CO: Qwest workers are no longer allowed ro buy shares of their own stock; the value of Qwest stock has gone from $1.11 to nearly $3 a share.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Is this the craziest shit you've ever heard?

#3 (from the crack-mama strewn desert) Phoenix, AZ: crack-mama Demitre Lashoun Robertson, 23, brought home her baby after 10 days of intensive care (trying to get the crack out of the baby's system), and then she and her mom (the baby's grandmother) smoked more crack in front of the baby, killing the infant with second-hand crack smoke. This happened in 2001, but Demitress was charged this week with murder and child abuse. Demitress is 9 months pregnant now, and she has 2 other kids that she has been known to smoke crack in front of...This is an ongoing story; with newspaper articles on Thursday, Friday, and Sunday. Apparently Child Protective Services (CPS) does not consider drug use (by parents) as child abuse. I just giggle at the thought of this crack whore--who's about to have her 4th child--and nobody has done anything to stop her yet.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Again; if I wrote out this story as fiction, I would get blacklisted, and be told that I was making up horrible shit about women and babies. But this shit is true, and (as I said) it makes me giggle.

One more desert nugget; For driving his boat drunk, having a friend fall off and drown, and lying to police, Sean Cooney got 30 days in jail and a $442 fine. Cooney's lawyer considers this punishment "harsh".

Sunday, August 18th, 2002

Wait a second; the news has been kind of weak here lately, what with us about to go topple Saddam and all (ha). I don't force the news, okay? If there's not enough messed up news to make fun of, then fuck it, you might not get the regular number from me. It ain't my damn problem. By the way...

On Saturday, at the (losers) Mets and Cubs stadiums, the fans were screaming it:

#1 West Palm Beach, FL; The new adoption laws; if the teen whore mother (I guess I didn't really want this baby after all, tee hee) who puts her baby up for adoption doesn't know who the father is, then she must take out newspaper ads identifying herself by name and address, and listing the names of all the boys she had sex with during the 12 months before the baby's birth.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Whatever, man.

#2 Chicago, IL? Conrad Worrill, head of the Chicago-based National Black United Front, is organizing a huge march for reparations this weekend. Under the banner "They Owe Us", thousands will march (marched) to demand monetary compensation because their ancestors were slaves. This is an idea that DIVIDES our country, rather than UNITE it.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Those words; 'All men are created equal', were written by (pay attention) SLAVE-OWNERS. And those slave-owners referred to their slaves as "property" (not "men"). I have lots of comments about this issue, but I'm going to hold them back. However, I am going to giggle the next time I see a black person on tv saying to "stop the hate".

#2 and a half: Shanwa, India; either soccer-ball shaped UFO's with sparkling red and blue lights, OR some new kind of 3 and 1/2 inch long-winged flying insect is burning people and leaving rashes. These attacks happen at night, so people have stopped sleeping outside, and villagers have formed squads to patrol Shanwa at night. (Think this is a joke?) 7 people have died, and hundreds of others have suffered scratches and surface wounds. Most of the wounds are facial. Cool, huh?

Overnight Guy's Comment: This is all I ask for; a nice, simple, unsolved real-life X-File to give the little kids nightmares. Thank you, India.

#3 (from the kitty litter that is the southwest U.S.) Tucson, AZ; (Driver) Iris Jazmin Rangel crashed her truck while breast-feeding her baby. She's charged with negligent homicide, and was sentenced to 3 years of probation.

Overnight Guy's Comment: $20 says this dumbass spic bitch will have another kid within the year. Maybe she'll have twins, and then she can do a double-suck while driving. Hell, give her a cell phone and a Big Gulp, too...At my job, girls were trying to DEFEND this cunt, saying that 'sometimes a baby just won't shut up, and you have to do whatever it takes'. And I say "You mean like...pull over?". Women and babies; hey it's YOUR world; live it up.

Sunday, August 11th, 2002

#1 Washington: The FBI + INS have lost track of 775 weapons and 400 laptop computers, more than half of which contained national security or sensitive law information. Also, over the last 3 years, more than 2,000 computers and 75 weapons have been lost or stolen from U. S. Customs.

Overnight Guy's Comment: I still want to do border patrol for the INS; obviously they are a bunch of thieves and dumbasses. I should fit.

#2 National; Internet radio is going bye-bye, thankfully, because on June 20th a copyright appeals board set a rate of $0.07 per song. This royalty fee wipes out non-profits, radio station simulcasts, and small businesses.

Overnight Guy's Comment: I told everyone who would listen that satellite/internet radio was a bad idea. Kiss my ass.

#2 and a half: Houston, TX; Suspecting her husband of having an affair, Clara Harris hired an investigator. As the Blue Moon Investigations video camera rolled, an enraged Harris allegedly killed her husband in a parking lot by running him over 3 times with her silver Mercedes-Benz. The victim's 16 yr. old daughter was in the passenger seat.

Overnight Guy's Comment: I can't wait to see this video in an e-mail forward.

In New Orleans' Aquarium of the Americas, a catwalk fell and dumped 10 visitors into a shark tank. Kicking and screaming, it took another 15 minutes to fish them all out. I like that. I don't like the Boston Dr. David C. Arndt walking out of a 6-hour back surgery he was performing for 35 minutes to deposit a paycheck; leaving the patient with his back wide open. Bad.

#3 East Phoenix: Adelita Villegas, Hispanic Justice of the Peace, is charged with reverse discrimination, and for going easy on Hispanics. She is quoted as saying "By the time I run for re-election, I want this court to be 75% Hispanic."

Overnight Guy's Comment: At least there IS a line in the sand that finally DID get crossed; I was worried that the "Hispanics" were going to be allowed to run rampant forever.

Supposedly there is a state law against automated-voice telemarketing calls in Arizona. $500 per call; if you're willing to sue them in small claims--they're supposed to pay. Cool.

Sunday, August 4th, 2002

#1 Sioux Falls, SD: Some parents are suing the schoolboard of the Wagner Community School because school officials walked a drug-sniffing dog through all of the classes.

Overnight Guy's Comment: I would tell those pussy-assed parents that "THIS is how we're going to keep drugs away from YOUR children. If you don't like it, then send your kids to school in Detroit or Chicago."

#2 Washington: The U.S. job turnover rate is at 39%. In the past year, 52.9 million workers were fired, and 52.3 million were new hires.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Round and round and round she goes. What exactly is 'job security'? I don't have it, either. This is why we all need a money-making venture on the side.

#2 and a half; The Russian mob now says that as many as 6 ice-skating judges may have been involved in that Olympic scandal.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Check it; an entire sport is being sacraficed because one Russian judge wanted to go back and live in France. That's it; that's what this whole ordeal is about. No money, no kidnapping, no pictures of a guy having sex with a goat; just a judge who wanted to go back to Paris. Oh well.

One more national nugget, from Port St. Lucie, FL; (Boys will be boys, or, my son can whip your son) Tim Scott, a father involved in a brawl at a youth baseball game, had part of his ear bitten or kicked off. (Do you think he'll be doing the talk-show circuit?)

#3 (from the desert) Arizona: (I hate these ones that start out as just "Arizona", because it means that the stupidity is widespread) There is a new scam going whereby 2 Mexican men will approach you in a parking lot, and tell you that they have a winning lottery ticket, but they can't claim it because they're illegal aliens. These spics convince the victim to give them money somehow--to be repaid later. A person in Tucson lost $19K, and one in Flagstaff lost $20K.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Are you as confused as I am? I wish a couple of criminals would approach me with this.

Sunday, July 28th, 2002

#1 New York: Lawyers charge as much as $700 an hour, and the legal bills top $142 million in the five bankruptcies including Enron and Global Crossing Ltd. And remember, lawyers' fees are paid off first.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Bottom feeding on bottom feeders.

#2 Washington: The snakehead fish "are like something from a bad horror movie" said Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton. These walking and breathing fish (some over 3 feet long) have even attacked humans when they felt that their offspring were threatened.

Overnight Guy's Comment: These snakeheads are my favorite July story this year.

#2 and a half: Some fat guy in the Bronx is suing the fast food companies for not disclosing the true nature of the foods they sell.

Overnight Guy's Comment: At first I thought that this lawsuit was a joke. But if this suit leads to fat and caloric contents being clearly posted on all restaurant menus, then it is a good thing that is long overdue.

#3 (from the desert) Arizona: Texas-based "Tanknology", a company that (supposedly) inspects underground storage tanks for the federal government, has pleaded guilty to 10 felony fraud counts, and they will be paying $2.3 million in fines.

Overnight Guy's Comment: As you read over this, do you have ANY idea how messed up this is? The company in charge of making sure that land and water are not being contaminated by corporate fuel tanks is not doing their job. In the X-Files of reality, nobody actually knows how contaminated soil and groundwater are. Go back to sleep everybody!

One more bit of sand for your underwear; in Peoria, AZ, 5 people were injured when 2 boats collided on Lake Pleasant. Police do not believe that alcohol was a factor. (Insert your own 'What the fuck do you mean alcohol was not a factor?' comment here.)

Sunday, July 21st, 2002

#1 Washington: A government report concludes that teens are twice as likely to be the victims of violent crime. Also, the liquor industry is reaching teens via their "alcopop" and "malternative" beverage ads--with loud music and attractive people dancing.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Now if we could just get them drunk and let them kill each other off...it'll never work.

#2 Washington: Trans Union LLC and other credit-reporting companies lost their lawsuit, and now have lost their appeal to distribute personal financial information about consumers without their consent.

Overnight Guy's Comment: I had been wanting to know the name of the company behind this stupid idea; Trans Union. Okay.

#2 and a half: Detroit, MI: Here's our crack airport security in action...on a filght from Saudi Arabia to Detroit, Omar Shishani, 47, an al-Qaida trained suspect, was nabbed with $12 million in false cashier's checks.

Overnight Guy's Comment: "Nabbed"? Did we at least arrest him? Is he going to be tortured or killed for being al-Qaida? Did we at least confiscate his false $12 million? Detroit is a messed up place.

More shit; from London: Dr. Harold Shipman was/is a cold-blooded killer. Since 1975, he has killed at least 215 people, mainly by lethal injection, while still keeping the trust and respect of the victim's families. (Wow. Now that's fucking good. Let's make a movie about him.) And now folks; for the end-all, cure-all, hands-down BEST story from the past week, back to New York we go for the tale of Iris and Eliezar Fernandez; posing as doctors, or experts of some kind (fuck if I know what), they invited people over to their APARTMENT to get faux 'Botox' injections; so far there are 9 cases of people being scarred, disfigured, and hospitalized. (Since you're a fucking moron, let me spell this out for you: fake doctors invite suckers to an apartment to get injections of an unknown substance that MIGHT mimic the results of Botox. I am NOT making this up; this is how fucked up Americans are right now--wanting fake Botox.)

#3 (from the desert) Phoenix, AZ: Valley brothers Harvey and Tye Sloniker are being sued by the FTC for deceiving consumers out of millions of dollars in a telemarketing program that claimed to sell telemarketing protection services (and identity-theft protection).

Overnight Guy's Comment: This is the program that I wanted to sell. I mean; you scream and yell about how the common person needs this protection, convince the sheep that the service is worth $400, get their credit card number, ha, but you haven't actually sold them anything.

Sunday, July 14th, 2002

I have tried for many months now to take the best news stories from wherever and put them up here for you to savor. During this week of July, I was able to watch the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and the Dennis Miller show (which is soon to be cancelled). As it turns out, both of these guys do a better job than I do of reporting on (frequently) the same exact stories that I have here. So I may cancel all of this shit soon; it's not like anybody cares anyway. I used to care, back when I thought I was doing something special.

#1 U.S. scientists have created a synthetic polio virus, and they are proud of it. It was on the front page of Friday's paper. These scientists warn that any intelligent terrorist could also create this virus.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Like, no one is safe.

#2 A government auditor's report indicates that inspections of meat and poultry in the U.S. are faulted. Neither the inspectors nor the plants are doing their jobs. A lack of sufficient training is partly responsible.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Don't they have to watch those black and white films from the 1950's about how important it is to wash your hands and stuff?

#2 and a half: London; a White couple have become the parents of Black twins after a mistake by a fertility clinic during in-vitro fertilization

Overnight Guy's Comment: Okay; explain the simple purpose of a fertility clinic to me.

The absolute BEST news story this week, bar none, is from Annapolis, MD. Nearly 100 meat-eating fish have been found in a pond where a pet owner dumped 2 of them in 2000. Native only to China, these northern snakehead fish can grow to be 3-feet long, they can spend up to 3 days out of water, and they can even walk out of water--on their fins--in search of food. And this pond where the fish are is only a short walk from a major waterway.

#3 (from the desert) Phoenix, AZ: Robert Rowlie was found dead in his Phoenix home after apparently trying to set the place on fire. He died "in the act of arson" (according to police), as 2 gas cans were found near his body.

Overnight Guy's Comment: This is the type of story that makes you go "Huh?". And then, you ask the person to repeat the story, or you read it again, to see if you missed some little nugget that actually makes it make sense. But, you didn't...and now you're even more confused, so you just start to shake your head softly.

And I wrote down a bunch of other stories to put up here--trying to make me look so incredibly well-informed. Screw them, and screw you. Why aren't we dead yet?

Sunday, July 7th, 2002

#1 Washington: Up until this week, Wal-Mart's policy on gun sales had been that if authorities cannot complete a background check on a customer in 3 days, Wal-Mart would go ahead and sell the weapon to the customer.

Overnight Guy's Comment: I guess that this is just another example of how we should all be shot dead and blown up by now. Ho-hum.

#2 Southfield, MI; Tarajee Maynor, 25, left both of her daughters (10 months, and 3 years old) to die in her car while she got her hair done for 3 hours. She first told police that she had been abducted and raped.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Being abducted and raped would probably muss your hair up, right? I'm no cop, but I see the problem with her alibi.

#2 and a half: Los Angeles; All over the tv, you've heard about this 52 yr. old guy at the Israeli ticket counter who started shooting, and then was shot himself in just 2 or 3 seconds.

Overnight Guy's Comment: This is just too neat and clean. We haven't heard a word about this shooter, his ties, or anything else. This whole ordeal was a situation-plant set up by our government to ease the tension of the American people, DUH! How dumb do you have to be to miss this?

#3 (from the desert) Another initiative has been filed to change the law for marijuana in Arizona. If passed, possession of 2 oz. or less would go unpunished; and 2 plants would be allowed in every residence.

Overnight Guy's Comment: It looks brilliant; so it will never pass.

Sunday, June 30th, 2002

#1 California; 50 miles east of San Diego, a van loaded with 33 illegal immigrant criminals crashed into 3 other cars; 7 are dead, 31 injured. The van was driving with no headlights, and traveling into oncoming traffic--trying to avoid an immigration checkpoint.

Overnight Guy's Comment: It's time to make an example.

#2 Wiscasset, Maine: Sally Schofield, 41, was convicted of manslaughter for suffocating her 5 yr. old foster daughter with 42 feet of duct tape.

Overnight Guy's Comment: 42 feet does seem a bit excessive.

#2 and a half: Calgary, Alberta; President Bush, on Wednesday, told key allies that the U.S. would cut off aid to the Palestinians if they fail to embrace the kind of changes he demanded Monday.

Overnight Guy's Comment: We're still giving aid to the suicide bombers? Wow; Georgie might be onto something here. Yes; let's stop giving aid to the Palestinians. Great idea! It must be so tough to be the prez.

A couple of other national nuggets; postage rates go up 3 cents this weekend, and al-Qaida is gearing up for a cyber-attack, ooooo.

#3 (from the desert) AZ; Russell Finley, 27, smothered his 3-month old son Ralph with a pillow, and then went back to bed around 5 am.

Overnight Guy's Comment: He had been in bed with his wife when the baby started crying, and said "You just lay here and go back to sleep; I'll take care of the baby."

More drought for you; Thanks to the Supreme Court, ALL of Arizona's 168 death row cases will be going back to court so that juries can re-decide their fates. In Phoenix, Carlos Torres was backing his car out of his driveway when he apparently passed out, driving into a neighbor's backyard pool, and submerging the car. Police came, administered CPR, and saved him (why?).

Sunday, June 23rd, 2002

#1 From the Great White North; a Canadian Senate committee has expressed initial support for decriminalizing marijuana. If Canada follows the committee's recommendations, marijuana would still be illegal but users would not be penalized.

Overnight Guy's Comment: I hear they have pretty good beer up there, too. And hockey. This may require further study.

#2 U.S. Lawmakers insist that we need troops on our national borders; the INS is called "abysmal", as fewer than 700 of the 314,000 individuals issued deportation orders have been arrested.

Overnight Guy's Comment: 700 divided by 314,000: That is a 0.002% success rate of catching/deporting criminals. We suck. And I have tried to help--nobody listens to me.

#2 and a half: Almost from the desert; Colorado River rafters, getting an inside view of the Grand Canyon, are being infected with some kind of weird stomach flu/virus thing. 59 people are sick so far. As of Friday it's being called a Norwalk-like virus.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Hello? We're in a drought, and their water's contaminated. Oh wait, it's OUR water, too. Panic!

More national denials: The American Medical Association (AMA) has REVERSED its position, now saying that all adults should take multi-vitamins. Also; the AMA supports a study on payment for organ donors (a brilliant idea). Plutonium will be coming soon to S. Carolina; Governor Jim Hodges has decided to let the trucks in. Fast-food restaurants like McDonalds, with their 'super-sizing', are being blamed for our obesity. An asteroid just missed the earth by 75K miles (Don't people and computers watch for shit like that?). And the winner is: Purple M+M's are coming in August.

#3 Desert news: Phoenix, AZ; Billie Jo Peters, 26, got high and slit her own wrists, then her baby's wrists. Both survived; she's in jail for Murder 1.

Overnight Guy's Comment: You watch, you wait, and you see; THIS BITCH will be allowed to have more children. Hell, I bet that Andrea Yates is pregnant again.

More fire from the furnace: In Sasabe, another body was found; that's 21 migrant deaths in 2 weeks. The next day, in San Pedro, a woman's dead body was found by BP Agents (that's #50 for the year). Arizona is closing 11 State Parks because of the budget crunch, and, 1500 abused women and children will be turned away from domestic violence shelters in Tucson because the non-profit centers lost $175K this year.

Sunday, June 16th, 2002

#1 Columbia, MD: Robert E. Filippi, 43, strangled both of his children (ages 2 and 4), to keep his estranged wife from taking the kids to her native Japan.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Define "estranged"; it sounds to me like ol' Robert took the kids out of their customary environment, so Robert is estranged. Wait; no, I mean the kids are. Um, were. Shit. Okay, where's the dictionary?

#2 South Carolina: Apparently, the Federal Government is going to truck 6.5 tons of plutonium across the country, to some weapons-manufacturing plant in South Carolina. The governor of South Carolina doesn't want this new plutonium in his state, and has set up National Guards along the highway borders to stop the trucks and keep the plutonium out.

Overnight Guy's Comment: A true southern state, with an ongoing state flag controversy, is telling the national government to screw off. I feel like 5 yr. old Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes), setting up a big car wreck and saying 'this is going to be good'.

#2 and a half; Summerville, GA: Frank Price (my new hero) wants to have a barbeque restaurant and a crematory side-by-side on the same piece of property. Price wants to buy the cremation machine from Ray Marsh Sr. (father of Ray Brent, the guy in jail on 294 counts of theft by deception--for NOT cremating dead bodies).

Overnight Guy's Comment: This is the kind of story that makes me miss GA. I want to work for Frank at the "barbequematory".

Other weird world news: the World Food Summit concluded that 800 million people are malnourished (women and babies; show me the logic), telemarketing is a $270 billion industry (updates in our files indicate that you are now eligible for a low-interest credit card...), your dog's shit is contaminating the water (nice), and a priest in Maryland had a sex-change, yes folks--"Richard" has become "Rebecca"; and this "Reverend Steen" is looking alot more feminine now (MANY comments are being passed over).

#3 (from the desert) Tucson, AZ: At least 14 illegal immigrant criminals have died since Thursday from ill-advised border crossing attempts. 8 others are hospitalized, and 70 more are out there waiting to be rescued from the 110-plus temperatures. Ray Bourne, mayor of Douglas, asked "When is the American government going to realize it's killing people?"

Overnight Guy's Comment: Nobody forced these dumbass spics into anything; maybe they should wait for the winter to relocate.

More from the desert: a senior high school English teacher, Elizabeth Joice (my local hero), was threatened by a lawyer to pass some girl who failed the class (English, got it? The national language). Joice said 'no', but then the school board passed the girl anyway (common sense has left the building). Many Phoenix FBI agents were assigned to arson cases, instead of international terrorism last year (more proof that our government was "looking the other way" for September 11th). Another police officer has died from his Ford Crown Victoria exploding after being hit from behind.

Sunday, June 9th, 2002

#1 Washington: Tuberculosis (TB) is the #1 killer of women of childbearing age worldwide, and the epidemic is growing with the spread of bacteria resistant to drugs that have worked in the past.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Boy it must have been a slow-assed newsweek for this to be my lead story. Isn't TB a relatively easy drug to eliminate early? Hey; fuck it, I'm not going to try to use anything logical when it comes to women and babies. Next!

#2 The ACLU filed 5 lawsuits on Tuesday accusing airlines of illegally removing passengers who looked Middle Eastern. Passengers claimed that they were "bothered" by the Middle Easterners.

Overnight Guy's Comment: 5? Shouldn't there be, like, thousands of lawsuits filed by towel-headed, foreign, non-showering, brown-assed fucks who shouldn't even be in this country anyway? Guess what? They fucking bother me, too. Boy this was a slow newsweek.

#2 and a half; President Bush (here we go--it's always good when "Captain Penis Envy" is involved) just admitted, for the first time, that global warming is real. Wow! The U.S. Climate Act of 2002 confirms that the U.S. way of life increases the temperature of the greenhouse gases. And now the Bushies say that the problem--just admitted--is so serious that nothing can really be done but to live with it.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Are you kidding me? This tiny oil prick has just allowed the entire petrolium industry to cancel any plans to combat the problems that they they themselves created. He needs a new nickname; I think that "Tiny Oil Prick" is a good one. He claims to be 'no friend of big business'. That must be because he's too busy being the 'little bitch of big business'. He must suck dick really well; I wonder how well his little drunk daughters do it. Let's find out!

From the "close the goddamn borders" department; foreign born citizens now make up 11% of the U.S. population--NO country has ever attempted to incorporate 31 million newcomers into society.

#3 Nothing from the desert! It hit 110 degrees and you just wouldn't believe the stupidity level out here. The shoe-less drunks have to sleep in the grass because the asphault's too hot, and the homeless ones camp out in bus-stops.

Overnight Guy's Comment: If I buy a gun, then I will use it. That is the problem.

Sunday, June 2nd, 2002

#1 From the stolen cyanide department in Mexico: Around May 10th, the truck with 96 tons of sodium cyanide was stolen. On May 16th, the truck was found with "most" of the cyanide on it. The search begins; on Tuesday, officials are "still desperately searching" for 8 tons of cyanide. On Wednesday officials were looking for 10 tons of cyanide. Then on Thursday they were searching for 7 tons of cyanide, "most" of which was found by a peasant farmer. On Friday morning, supposedly all the cyanide is accounted for.

Overnight Guy's Comment: Sure it is.

#2 Washington: Studies show that organic farms yield 20% less than conventional farms, but that the production on organic farms uses about 50% less energy and builds healthier soils.

Overnight Guy's Comment: I'd been waiting for a study like this.

#2 and a half: Former Mesa, AZ Catholic youth pastor Marc Martin James, 32, originally charged with 15 counts of sexual misconduct with minors, was sentenced to 1 year in prison + 1000 hours of community service...
By comparison, James Lee Davis was found guilty of selling 15 counterfeit badges to the Masters Golf Tournament, and he was sentenced to 30 years in prison without parole.

Overnight Guy's Comment: It's all about priorities.

There's more good national news, too; September 11th has caused a major baby boom, so there's a shitload of little waterheads being born right now. From New Delhi, India; Pakistan has now test-fired 3 missiles into India since Saturday (these missiles are capable of carrying nuclear warheads). A liberal Roman Catholic group, "Call to Action", says that priests commiting misdemeanors in child molestation may deserve a second chance (you know, to try for the felony). Mexico owes the U.S. at least 456 billion gallons of water; Vicente Fox said he would have a payback plan outlined by now, but he has nothing.

#3 More from the desert: The jail system, originally designed for 5,600 inmates, now has a record 8,133 (and growing).

Overnight Guy's Comment: We should set some killers free to make room for the recreational pot-smokers; oh wait, we are!

More sand for your underwear; depending on which study you read, either 6 or 10 Arizona kids have already drowned--and it's just now June. (Children Require A Caring Kommunity) the CRACK program pays drug addicts to NOT have MORE babies; but the ACLU doesn't like the program. Arizonans drink more bottled water per person than any other state.

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