I'm starting to feel better...
Okay, okay, here are some stories from the newspaper:
Overnight Guy's Comment: This kid was sent home for throwing water balloons, and then he came back with a gun and killed his teacher. He is a cold-blooded killer. Take his ass to the big house and let the butt-raping begin. I wish they'd videotape it.
#2 Houston, Texas: Maybe you've heard about this dumbass bitch, Andrea Yates. She drowned all 5 of her kids in a bathtub. There was a hearing this past week to determine if she was competent to stand trial; because she is trying to plead 'not guilty by reason of insanity'. As amazing as it may sound, she WAS found competent (yay). So now the real trial can go on.
Overnight Guy's Comment: I'd like to point out that this woman went into depression after her 4th child was born. She attempted suicide twice (now that's a good mom) after the birth of #4, and was advised by doctors to not have any more children. However, she did, and then she killed them all.
Why are stupid women allowed to shit out as many kids as they want--even after being advised not to?
I want to see some red glare, hear some bombs bursting in air, some proof in the night that we are not just a big paper tiger. My arm is growing tired of waving this fucking flag around; allright? I want some blood.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Hey wait, that was my comment. Yasmine Bleeth was caught (after wiping out her rented car--and failing a field sobriety test) with 4 syringes in her purse, at least one of which tested positive for cocaine. A Salt Lake City K-Mart is being sued because (get this) an employee sold a rifle to a customer. A Texas barge wiped out a Texas bridge, which in turn dumped some cars 85 feet down into the water (which is another 50 feet deep); 4 are dead--a few are missing.
You want news highlights? Screw you. I want some sports. It's been 5 days since we've had anything other than women's golf...and an auto racing tragedy that cost Alex Zanardi both of his legs (Saturday). I'd even watch bowling at this point...maybe.
#1 Hepatitus G was discovered 6 years ago. It inhibits (and virtually eliminates) the progression from HIV to AIDS. This explains how some HIV positive people still look, act, and live well--and never contract AIDS.
Overnight Guy's Comment: It took these lab coats how many years to figure this out? And remember folks, I am chock full of Hepatitus antivirus right now!
#2 Harvest time! Cured marijuana sells for $4k+ a pound--almost as much as gold! Today's pot is about 20 times stronger than the stuff your parents smoked in the 60's and 70's. NORML says that California's 1998 crop exceeded $3.8 billion.
Overnight Guy's Comment: TPG and I did math, and found that gold is still in the lead, coming in at just over $6k a pound. But you can't smoke metal. Well, actually, I can--but you probably shouldn't.
#2 and a half: Headline News states that George W. has asked for $343 billion for defense. The strange part is that the House has already approved it.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Is that $343 billion for the missile condom, the $200 million dollar planes, or the underground nuclear test race with China? I'm confused.
#3 Arizona: we'll do "Stadium Steel" in a moment. But first; this unemployed Spanish woman (Mayela Garcia Jara) ran over and killed an on-duty (Sylvestre Herrera Elementary School) crossing guard (Gabriel Marquez); then she fled the scene and tried to hide. After being caught, tried and sentenced, her punishment is 6 months in jail, and 4 years probation. Does anybody else have a problem with this? Where is the vehicular homicide, manslaughter, leaving the scene of, speeding in a school zone, and at least a handful of other offenses I can't think of right now? I am going to scream. Okay, okay, let's smoke some steel:
If Arizona ever does get around to building a new stadium for the worst team in football, $60 million worth of steel will be imported from "specialized European steel mills".
Overnight Guy's Comment: What? Isn't USSteel the best steel in the world? I'm almost sure that there's a pretty decent football team called the "Steelers", too. So; the land of Border Patrol bullshit that plans to build the stadium with illegal immigrants also plans to import the actual materials? Wait, damn, I was supposed to make a comment. Okay; this sucks ass.
There were lots of other news stories, too; the Miami police force is massively corrupt and selling itself out...There is talk about the need to close many more military bases, as we have done in 5 of the last 12 years ($343 billion for what?)...It's hurricane season, but there hasn't been even one hurricane yet...The dengue fever epidemic in Venezuela has only killed 6, but it's sickened over 36k; and the type 3 dengue fever has this bonus of letting its victims "appear" to recover, but they actually begin to bleed internally (cool!)...African Tribal Leaders invented the "slave trade" back in the 15th century, but now black people want the whole world to give them money, awww...
The Seattle Mariners' record is up to 102-40. You know, if I could, I might actually go and see the Mariners play a game. They are the ONLY sports team I might actually pay money to go and see, and I'm not saying that I definitely would or anything, but I might.
It's all over the paper today about how baseball will probably have another strike next year. Look at the concern on my face.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Ha! Here's just one of the many reasons that I don't take women seriously. Standard, free-thinking females are not only a joke, but also dangerous. And there are thousands of other things that I would like to add to this, but I won't.
#2 Christmas Island, Australia: Prime Minister John Howard is refusing to allow a ship full of 460 refugees to land. He doesn't want Australia to become some kind of dumping point for little brown people.
Overnight Guy's Comment: You know; like America is. Hell, I'm ready to go to Australia. It's too bad that the tectonic plates around there are so unstable.
#2 and a 1/2: (Did anybody else know about this?) In 1998, the Sara Lee Bil Mar foods facility in Barculo, MI, produced tainted meat that killed at least 15 people, and sickened 80 others. At least one employee knew the meat was bad; that employee claims management also knew that the meat was bad; in fact--a federal meat inspector said that the company was aware of increased levels of listeria (monocytogenes) in the meat 8 months before the breakout, AND management knowingly shipped out bad meat without testing it.
This 3-year old story came back into the news because of 2 new stories; in Green Bay, WI, American Foods is recalling over 530k pounds of ground beef from 17 states because of possible E. coli contamination, and in Lincoln, NE, IBP is recalling 500kpounds of meat from 35 states for pretty much the same reason.
Overnight Guy's Comment: I don't know nothing; I just works here. Seriously; what do you say about this? What would your comment be?
#3 Arizona: 3 children drowned in buckets here this week. It's tragic and horrifying, yes.
Overnight Guy's Comment: So I asked my mother "How do you fucking drown in a bucket?" And she's all like "Well, their little heads are way too heavy, and they just kind of ploop down into the bucket, and they can't get out. They can drown in less than 2 inches of water." Huh? Okay, whatever. When I was a kid, the buckets I climbed in would always flip over--and empty. Do these unsupervised babies of today (key term: "unsupervised") have some kind of built-in ninja balance thing going? Out here, you come to expect at least one stupid baby drowning a week; but 3 babies drowning--in buckets--in 1 week, now that is pretty bizarre.
There are, as always, lots of other news stories that deserve attention; it's just really hard to walk away from 70% of all mothers admitting that they were stupid and wrong. But don't fret, silly girls, for men can be pretty dumb, too...In fact, 6 men (aged 17 to 25) were all run over by a train (and killed, duh) in Mexico City. These 6 men were waiting to hop aboard the train, and apparently had decided to sleep on the tracks while waiting. (And all 6 were so drunk that a speeding, oncoming train could not wake even 1 of them.) Sony, already in hot water for many offenses (like making up fake movie reviewers), has apparently stolen at least $4 million from the Dixie Chicks.
Job cuts; Toshiba-17,000; Gateway-5,000; Charles Schwab-2,500. I read a nice article in today's Sunday paper about how high schools keep pushing "college, college, college" just like they always have--but that companies now are more interested in hands-on experience than in pieces of paper (I've been saying this for 20 years; glad you could catch up).
The Seattle Mariners are up to 97-39. The Mariners are the team of the new millennium, baby! These Mariners have not lost a road series since August of 2000; that's a new record of 27 road series' without a loss. Wow.
Overnight Guy's Comment: This mother fucker attacked his own family with an axe--just 2 years ago! At some American border somewhere, many people who are trained to keep fucked up people out of our country--let THIS guy in. Why don't we go after whatever border checkpoint he came through?
#2 Conneticut: The Acme Rent-A-Car company has a clause in their contracts to charge customers a $150 fee each time the rented cars exceed the speed limit. Global positioning systems track the vehicles and their speeds.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Big Brother car rental.
#2 and a 1/2: Gulf coast, Florida: (You should have known that I couldn't pass this one up.) 22 shark attacks so far this year have closed many beaches. Who does this surprise?
Overnight Guy's Comment: Covered from head to toe with tatoos and piercings, floundering about like scared albino seal puppies, I hope these surfers taste just like sea-chicken. Eat more chicken. You were warned not to go in the water because you look like a goddamned fishing lure; it WORKED, and now you're mad at the fish? Fuck you.
#3 Arizona: In Oak Creek Canyon, the slides at Slide Rock State Park were closed because the water was contaminated with fecal coliform bacteria.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Okay; I do not know what "coliform" is; "bacteria" I have heard of. However; "fecal" is shit. No; really, it is. If I had written the story it would read
"Shit in the water closes Slide Rock".
See? I'd be good at this newspaper stuff.
There were quite a few other really good news stories, too. In Belgium, 8 yr. old school kids are being served beer at lunch--instead of soda (Got beer?). UPN's reality show "Manhunt" has allegedly shot scripted scenes, and attempted to rig the outcome. While serving an eviction notice to JoAnne Jones, NYC marshall Erskine G. Bryce was beaten and burned alive. McScandal; I just love that word (McDonalds games for the last 6 years have been totally rigged--by the company who was supposed to keep them fair). 10,580 people were hurt in amusement park rides last year (Got bar? That's where I'll be.) The west Nile virus (mosquitos) is (are) spreading; it's north all the way to Canada, and west all the way to New Orleans. In Caracos, Venezuela a health emergency has been declared because of dengue fever (Mosquitos are having a really good year!)
The Seattle Mariners are way up to 94-36. No other team even has 80 wins. All I can say is that my Mariners deserve notice from the world.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Tell me her damn name; tell me where she works, or give me her home address. I have friends; we'll show this bitch an injured face.
#2 Government employees are still misusing government credit cards. 3.1 million cards are still out there, and over $20 million in bad debts have already been written off this year.
Overnight Guy's Comment: I remember hearing about this shit in June. Why are there ANY government credit cards still out there?
#3 Bombay, India: 15 people are brutally killed by walking in front of a speeding train. These people were in a train station, and they assumed that the speeding train would stop.
Overnight Guy's Comment: To me, the give-away is the "speeding" train. If the train had been "slowing", yeah, maybe you walk in front of it. I would have loved to have seen this.
There were some other good news stories, too. In Honduras, police and private security agents are killing street children; at least 66 so far (go to school, or die; it's your choice). Ford will cut between 4000 and 5000 white collar jobs this year. Former pharmacist Robert Courtney diluted chemotherapy drugs Gezmar and Taxol (absolutely brilliant; and scary, too). Even with a scam that brought in $500 million, the Baptist Foundation of Arizona went bankrupt (I guess those Baptists were doing alot of cocaine, huh? I mean, ALOT). I like the death Nile mosquito virus thing, too.
The Seattle Mariners are up to 89-35, and look great even when playing the Yankees. Woo-hooo!
#1 Tampa, Florida; "Greater Ministries" minister Gerald Payne was sentenced to 27 years in jail this week for his role in a pyramid scheme where followers were promised that "God would double their money." As many as 18,000 people invested some $448 Million total.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Holy bullshit, Batman. I always figured that those religious freaks were gullible; seriously. But to sell this scam with the 'God will double your money' line is hilarious. NO WONDER ol' Gerald and his wife were both still smiling in the newspaper picture. You know Gerald's got to be thinking "Yeah, we're goin' to jail and all. But we scammed $450 million with a chain letter in the name of God. We suckered 18,000 people and kept a straight face; YOU couldn't have pulled this off."
#2 Tragic, but still stupid in Dhaka, Bangladesh; A false fire alarm in a 7-story warehouse incited a stampede of thousands where 23 people were killed, and 100 others were injured.
Key term: "false".
Overnight Guy's Comment: No cute comments about a Who concert in Ohio; and no soccer stadium sarcasm here. All I'm saying is this: If I'm working in a warehouse with a couple of thousand people, and a fire alarm goes off, I'm going to wait until I SMELL SMOKE before I get involved in the riot rush out of the building. Do you see my point?
#2 and a half: In Britain; in the African and Caribbean neighborhood of Brixton, consumption and possession of less than 1 ounce of marijuana will now go unpunished. Also, up in Canada, all terminally ill and chronic disease victims are allowed to grow and harvest marijuana for personal use. In America, however, 700,000 marijuana arrests were made in 1998.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Big Brother needs to do a bong hit and chill out.
#3 From the home state: In Tucson, Customs officials found 1335 pounds of marijuana, and rescued a group of dehydrated (and abused) horses and mules that smugglers had abandoned.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Customs officials had been tracking these guys for awhile...Customs officials had a crew in a helicopter, and a crew on the ground in jeeps, with radio contact between the 2 crews. Yet somehow, the tired and dehydrated immigrant smugglers snuck away. I smell something...can't quite be sure of it...Let's see; helicopters, jeeps, and radios...Yes, definitely. What I smell is
BORDER PATROL BULLSHIT.
There were LOTS of other news stories too; 3 Baltimore teens are arrested for 4 months of "bum stomping"--3 bums are dead, 5 are hospitalized. Eminem, everybody's favorite wigger, is kicked off the Warped tour for fighting backstage with another rapper (personally I think that rappers fighting each other should be encouraged). Peter Vetique, 32, stripped down to his boxers at the Bronx zoo, climbed a high fence, and jumped into the gorilla exhibit; he wanted to be "at one with the monkeys". 4 men (not wearing life jackets) capsize in a 19-foot boat on Lake Ontario. All 4 survive 17 hours on the water by hanging on to a beer cooler. California had an earthquake on Thursday, ho-hum, and then California had another earthquake on Friday; wow (Hmmm; 2 earthquakes in 2 days; how fucking dumb do you have to be to stay in California?). Bill Clinton just signed a $10 million book deal (Now hang on--because you can't blame slick Willie for this one; the Knopf Publishing Group [a division of Random House] OFFERED him the $10 million. So don't try to figure it out; just don't buy anything else, EVER, from Random House. Okay?)
The Seattle Mariners had an interesting week; they won both games of a double-header on Wednesday, but also had another 2-game losing streak this week on Thursday and Friday.
I'm trying to build up suspense for what they did Saturday night; is it working? Losing 3 to 1 to the White Sox with 2 outs in the ninth innning, America's Mariners pulled a "Come From Behind Victory" that would make any Overnight Guy proud. They won 4 to 3; barely avoiding their first 3-game losing streak of the season.
The Mariners still look fantastic; their record of 84-33 is a .718 winning percentage; and no other team in baseball even has 70 wins yet. Wow.
Overnight Guy's Comment: I am speechless; and that doesn't happen often. I mean, I inhale...open my mouth...start to form a semi-complete thought...1 or 2 syllables come out...and then I just freeze up and start shaking my head. Wow.
#2 Do you still believe that myth about all people being equal? The National Assessment of Educational Progress, a test given last year to a representative sample of 4th, 8th, and 12th graders, found that Blacks and Hispanics in the 12th grade are losers, while Whites and Asians are doing okay. Just so you don't think I'm bullshitting you, here are 2 exact quotes from the study:
"Fewer than 2 in 5 Black 4th-graders and 1 in 2 Hispanics reached the basic level on the test, a standard achieved by 4 of 5 Whites and nearly 3 out of 4 Asians."
"Among high school seniors, nearly 70% of Blacks and 56% of Hispanics scored below the basic standard, as did 1 in 5 Asians and 1 in 4 Whites."
Overnight Guy's Comment: You'll never see shit like this on the front (or back) page of the paper; they always bury it in the middle somewhere. Why do you think that is?
#2 and a 1/2: Yes folks, we have an extra national news item before we get to something from the local circus here. This week, I am proud to relay to you a "Darwin Award" (a stupid person's death) from Montana:
"Water Skipping" is a new recreation form of building up speed and momentum while riding a snowmobile, and then "skipping over" some amount of water. Now this does sound like a pretty cool and fun idea, and then came Gary Hoyt.
Montana has approved emergency restrictions prohibiting water skipping after Gary died. Mr. Hoyt drowned in a resevoir after his snowmobile lost momentum and sank. So where's the Darwin factor? Gary Hoyt was NOT wearing a life-jacket, and Gary Hoyt could NOT swim. In the words of Dave Barry, I am not making this up.
Overnight Guy's Comment: 'Well let's see; I can't swim, I'm not wearing a life-jacket, and there's nobody around to help me if something goes wrong. I know; I'll try to scoot this 600 lb. snowmobile over some water--that'll be fun!'
#3 In Phoenix, police are concerned ( I love that word; "concerned") about the roughly 200 guns that have been stolen in 3 recent robberies of fire-arms businesses. Many of these weapons are high-powered semi-automatic rifles. To commit these "drive through" burglaries, the theives crash a car into the building--kamikazee style--then jump out, steal the weapons, and run to another car that is waiting.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Phoenix has a few creative criminals that are not already in the government.
The Seattle Mariners hardly get mentioned in the paper, or on the local newscasts, and I am hurt. Granted; Arizona's Diamondbacks are embroiled in a first place battle of their own...but I think that a team with a 80-30 record (50 games over .500) and a small market payroll is newsworthy. Call me crazy.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Why would any intelligent killer dig up bodies--with the hope of those bodies not being found? I just don't get it.
#2 Boeing is testing it's version of the Joint Strike Fighter (X-32B). Boeing is competing with Lockheed for a $200,000,000,000 (yes; 200 billion) Defense Department contract.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Um, what about Bush's big Missle Shield plan? Wouldn't that eliminate the need for a plane that costs more than our country is worth? I'm just asking.
#3 Here in Phoenix: Police won't talk about the 2-car gun battle that killed 2 and injured 3 others on 43rd Avenue (Hey wait; I work on 43rd Avenue.). In Glendale, police raided an apartment and found 25 lbs. of cocaine, a pound of meth, a dozen guns, and 7 illegal immigrants (Smugglers; yes, let's all cry for these poor illegal immigrants.) The best is last: The Africanized Killer Bees have now been found as far north as Indian School road--that's above central Phoenix! The bee-removal people are already calling this an epidemic. (Sleep tight!)
Remember that litttle baseball team in Seattle; the Mariners? Well, their record is up to 76-29 now. Pretty soon I'm going to want to see the total payroll numbers for their team, and compare them to the numbers of the bigger market teams. The "buzz" around this incredible baseball franchise has diminished slightly, and that is wrong.
This team is a symbol of what is good and right in the world. America needs this commanding group of journeymen, second-fiddlers, and also-rans; we all NEED a no-nonsense manager (like Lou) who can get things done. If served correctly, the 2001 Seattle Mariners could bring back the same type of national pride that the 1980 U.S. Olympic Hockey team did.
Overnight Guy's Comment: What the fuck? How many hydroponic marijuana gardens does it take to run up 15 grand a month on power?
#2 Madonna is touring again; and good for her. I have no problem with this amazing woman. Her tour is currently in Philadelphia. Some people in Philly are paying as much as $1500 per ticket to see this show.
Overnight Guy's Comment: I wouldn't pay $1500 to watch her blow me.
#3 Around the state of Arizona, we had a few doozies of our own this week:
A. In Tucson, South American mosquitos have been found that carry both yellow fever, and dengue fever.
B. Jorge Alonso Mireles died of dehydration in the desert while trying to sneak into our country; he's neither the first nor the last. What makes this poor bastard's story so amusing is that he drank lots of free water from the free water stations that were set up out in the desert to keep criminals like Jorge Alonso Mireles...from dying...of dehydration...out in the desert.
C. David Lamar Anthony (of Peoria) is arrested on 3 counts of first degree murder. He apparently killed his wife and her 2 children, and splattered their blood all over the walls of their house.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Are you kidding me? If I were to start making comments about these stories, I might not be able to stop.
Have you heard about the Seattle Mariners? As of today, their record is 71-27. Wow. I honestly love wearing my Mariners baseball cap around, even though the cap is 8 years old. Woo-hoo!
Overnight Guy's Comment: Too much, too little, too late.
#2 Legionnaires disease outbreak in Spain infects 178, and 292 others are hospitalized with pneumonialike symptoms. Authorities don't even know what the actual source is.
Overnight Guy's Comment: The government is in control; well, sort of.
#3 In Montreal, 21 yr. old (Bishop's University) college student Kevin Mackle was crushed to death by a cola vending machine that turned over on him as he was shaking it; this was in 1998. His family is suing the college, Coca-cola, and a couple of other companies, too.
Overnight Guy's Comment: Wait a second; he was shaking the machine, right? So he was probably facing the machine when it fell over, right? And he couldn't get out of the way? Was Kevin dumb, fat, retarded, or really high at the time? I just don't see the lawsuit.
With amazement, I keep watching this little baseball team from Seattle. They play as a team, for the team; it is refreshing to the point of being ground-breaking. In interviews, the players rarely use the pronoun "I", because everything is about the team. Watch and learn.
After crushing Arizona's own Diamondbacks on Sunday, the Mariners' record is now 66-25.
Oh Hell, I'm just gettin' warmed up:
1. A study of 250,000 children (under the age of 8) involved in car wrecks shows that between 83% and 99% of them were not restrained properly. In continuation, when not restrained properly, children are 3 and a half times more likely to sustain an injury.
Overnight Guy's Comment: More than 4/5 of all kids are either bouncing around the car, or not restrained properly; this ain't news to me.
2. Mexican police (and most of the Mexican government body) are corrupt and guilty of taking countless bribes from immigrants, sometimes even helping move illegal immigrants across the border.
Overnight Guy's Comment: I guess that the only people who didn't know this were the...oh wait, never mind...everybody knew this.
3. In Phoenix; another kid drowns in a pool, a man dies while caught in the crossfire of 2 gangs, a local legend pizza delivery guy dies in a car crash resulting from kids drag-racing, and we have another corrupt Justice of the Peace.
Overnight Guy's Comment: If only we could eliminate them when they were young; then we wouldn't have to deal with gangs, or drag-racers, or corrupt politicians. How many pools is it going to take to get rid of the stupid kids? Keep building them!
In Major League Baseball, there's this little team from Seattle that has a pretty good record; 63-24. I have loved this team for 11 years. In the coming weeks, 10's of millions of people are going to come out of the woodwork--all claiming that they have been Mariners fans since the beginning.
Be ready for them.
#1 Mexico City is a crime scene! A survey of 2600 residents finds that 2 out of every 5 residents has been a victim of crime. 80% of all households have at least 1 member who's been a victim of violent crime in the past year. Crime is 10 times worse than the government says it is.
Overnight Guy's Comment: More magic from the little brown nation below us.
#2 There's a Border Patrol plan to erect six 30-foot "panic towers" in the desert, for humanitarian reasons. Ecologists are afraid that we would use these towers to "find" illegal immigrants, rather than have the towers be "found" by illegal immigrants in trouble.
Overnight Guy's Comment: I would build the towers with gun turrets, laser sights, motion detectors, a stadium sound system, and water cannons--for when the immigrants get too close. Hey, let's have some fun with these criminals before we helicopter them to the hospital for some free health care.
#3 Okay, hang on. The newspaper I read is the Arizona Republic (because I live in Arizona, and this country is a republic; got it?). Somewhere in downtown Phoenix there is a big parking lot for the employees of the Arizona Republic. Friday night, at around 1 am, in that parking garage of the Arizona Republic...
2 men in their 20's were arguing about a traffic altercation, and then apparently they both drew handguns and shot each other. Neither man was killed or arrested; both were taken to the hospital.
Overnight Guy's Comment: And at the hospital, they finally got into the fistfight that they both SHOULD have gotten into in the first place. No?
Back in my day, we went to parking lots to have the fights that we COULDN'T have in traffic. No?
If both of these wussies had guns, then why didn't they just shoot each other in the street? No? Aww, to hell with it; I have no comment.
In baseball, perhaps you've heard of the Seattle Mariners. They have the best record in baseball; 58-21. Wow.