Modern Advertising

It has been said (by me, you dipshit) that "All elements of marketing and promotion are founded in a selfish and shameless evil.". Did you believe it 3 years ago; do you believe it now? Perhaps I am a genius, huh? Let's talk about advertising in late 2002...

Everything in the world is promoted as something more than it really is. Remember, in school, they told us that 'honesty is the best policy'? Is that some bullshit, or what? The best policy is a flashy, entertainment-based ad campaign. You need a fresh face (under 25), a current hit song, a pierced body part, right now, and YOU can be the must-see on tv.

Location. Location; location? My ass; location. It's all about promotion, promotion, promotion. You've got to have visibility, popularity; people need to be talking about whatever your selling. You've got to create that "buzz". Speaking of buzz, what kind of moron drinks coffee at 3 pm, in the middle of the desert? Fuck if I know, but there's a Starbucks at every strip mall in Phoenix. You idiots will do whatever it takes to be popular; won't you?

If you were an advertiser, would you be directly deceptive? Of course you would. You will have skinny, athletic types of people eating fast food in tv commercials; AS IF aerobics intructors and fire-fighters eat that shit everyday. Would you go ahead and just, you know, lie to people? Of course; people expect to be lied to. You will use mascots, pets and cartoon characters to promote caffeine, liquor and cigarettes to children; and you will do this IN ORDER to get local "consumer affairs" reporters to talk about how awful this type of campaign is. And then you will giggle, snicker, clear your throat and say 'no, we're not advertising to children'. Get this; in Arizona there is a chain of "adult toy stores" that are purposely built to look like amusement parks! Seriously; they have lots of outside strobe lights, hundreds of colored flags, and climbing rocks around the building. They were DESIGNED to get the attention of children; a very smart move.

Hey you; don't be a dumbass. Children are the complete target of today's advertising. So when you see your son smoking and rapping about 'smacking his bitch up', or when you see your little girl humming and rubbing her crotch up against a pole, you'll know that you live in America. That's right--America; where creative lying and the almighty dollar work hand-in-hand to bring the finest in sex, drugs, and rock + roll--to your children!

Back to Homepage