Personally, wow, I was on fire. Medicinal and muscular strengthening; teeth-whitening and dental repairs, too. Mortal and pathetic as I may be, it felt like I was finally communicating with God--perhaps I was! Improved mental and physical posture, a great attitude, an incredible job (at the time) that was recognizing my unique skills, too. I had more money than ever, and was sharing it freely with those closest to me; there were the paired thrills of both a secondary job at a record label which was trying to (and did) sign one of my favorite unknown bands, and a home business with excellent potential. Also, I had rekindled well with friendship and inspiration back on the east coast--not that I even NEEDED inspiration, because I was writing almost everyday. In fact, if there was a day when I didn't write, then that was a day which felt incomplete. There were only 2 other times in my life that felt this good; my first year in Athens (age 20 when 20 was legal to drink), and the final 4 of my 5 years on the radio.
What the fuck happened? Reality crept back. Perhaps I had finally shed the selfish layers of my own demons, but selfish (and stupid) was (were) thrust back upon me, up close, from places I did not expect it. If God was "testing" me, as some have suggested, then I was ready for neither God, nor the test. Rather than list how things fell apart, as I have done many times, let's just say that the little window of boundless possibilities through which I gazed was abruptly painted deep black overcast.
When will I learn that if things are going well, to remember that it's just a stage? "Well" doesn't last, it comes only in spurts, and disappears without fanfare. In fact, there is no happy ending coming; there will be no playful cloaking. The temporary flicker of life SEEMING to go well for a short time--that's it! That's all we get. You can wish for more; there are sources that get paid good money to try to whip us into believing that there is hope for a better reality--sure. But all of that optimism is overrated; I doubt that the Marlins will ever GET to the world series again. Goodbye 2003.
Hey, wait. I was rolling up there; I was going to end this tirade with the Marlins reference. Crap; now I have to go reel it back in and make it personal (self-promotion and shock value). Okay. Sure; it's a wonder that I'm still alive, a blessing that I'm not incarcerated or under heavy surveillance--and yes, it IS miraculous that I still have feeling in either leg at this point. But we're not doing the "luck dance" right now. It's not that I can't save the world, I COULD--thank you, it's that the world does not want to be saved. At different times I had all 3 of them; alternative power, alternative fuel, and alternative music. Guess what? They were just short window-gazes of life "going well". It wasn't reality, and it didn't last. Time is running out, and none of the obvious solutions are being brought to the front lines. It's "Skate or Die" time, and nobody's skating. Personally I find it hard to be optimistic about either death or reassignment. Now go away quickly.
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