Jurassic Park Girlfriend


Here's what we're trying to do here: Jurassic Park ("JP") is a top 20 all-time, and one of my personal top-10 favorite pinball machines ever. It might even be as high as #6 (it is)--just missing my top-5 listings. To her (my girlfriend), I am "Getaway" pinball; I am #1; I am the PERFECT guy for her. She knows it; she has admitted it; this is old news to us. I don't call her the "perfect" girl for me; I call her "ideal" for me; and THAT is why this comparison works.

When I listed my 5 favorite pinball machines of all time (a year ago?), I was listing the "elite" pinball cabinets of my life. I'm going to stand by those choices, too. Let the record show that 2 of my top-5 machines ("Getaway" and "Twilight Zone") were both played in the 1993 PAPA tournament--where I placed 3rd in my division. Also played during that 1993 national competition was the Jurassic Park game we're talking about today. Since I am now comparing my girlfriend to a pinball machine (oh God, PLEASE let this go well), and since I do have a couple of tricks to lay on you, hmmm, let's go ahead and compare my top-5 pinball machines to women, too:

#1 (my single most favorite machine) "Getaway" pinball metaphysically becomes the woman I have referred to in poetry and song as my favorite of the famous ladies--Cindy Crawford.

#2 (the most legendary pinball machine--the one game that redefined how pinball machines, or women, were gazed upon) "Addam's Family" morphs into--Marilyn Monroe.

#3 (my third favorite pinball machine, and greatest "do over" of all time) "Twilight Zone" pinball covers 3 decades of great science fiction (4?), so we'll take a mouseketeer from 3 (4?) decades; Annette Funicello from yesteryear, Lisa Welchel from my generation, and Brittney Spears from the almost here and now (hey I'm making this up as I go along here).

#4 (my 4th favorite pinball machine) "Dr. Dude" was easily the best pinball machine from the 80's, so we'll just transfer over to my favorite hottie from the 80's (and still a babe now); welcome to Heather Locklear-land.

#5 (my 5th favorite, and most recently manufactured pinball machine) "Medieval Madness" was a game popularized in 1998 BY pinball freaks FOR pinball freaks. Now if I pick a girl who was born in 1998--then I uh, let's not go there. Who became popular in 1998; seriously? Gwen Stefani was '96, Faith Hill was '97, who was 1998? Shania? In my reality, Static Girl came to me in 1998. Wait, no, I've got it; Shirley Manson of Garbage became popular in 1998. Yes; Garbage 2.0 was their breakthrough; even though 1995's "garbage" was good. Ooo, yeah baby, and I'll score points with my girlfriend for comparing her to Shirley--I am too cool! Yes; Medieval Madness equals Shirley Manson.

#6 (my 6th favorite pinball machine) "Jurassic Park" is the one best pinball machine to relate to my girlfriend. JP has a couple of features that actually MAKE IT BETTER THAN ALL THE OTHERS, EVEN WHILE STAYING AT #6 ON THE "FAVORITES" LIST. Static Girl would not WANT to be atop the favorites list anyway; that would be too much attention.

Since my neighborhood Jurassic pinball machine has been fixed to work almost perfectly (ideally?), Jurassic Park pinball deserves a qualified tribute--acknowledging just how great and entertaining a cabinet "she" is.
So let's talk about the specifics of (my neighborhood) the Jurassic Park ("JP") machine (Static Girl started out as my neighbor). Most people who have played JP (know her) do enjoy it (her), and will list it as one of their favorites--but not usually #1 (she doesn't "stand out"). However, there are many factors involved here; SO many factors that if you look closely at all of them, you will see that JP (my Static Girlfriend) deserves to be in the ALL TIME TOP-10 of pinball machines (or women) ever--even though it may not be obvious to you at first glance (now we're getting somewhere).

To start a ball in play, you begin with a relatively easy video skill shot that leads to the ball being fired into a planned 2-bounce sequence into the power shed. This shot is fairly simple, and quite beautiful to watch; it is impressive--even in its overall simplicity. "Impressive even in its overall simplicity" is how I would describe my best poetry, AND how I would describe my Static Girl (yeah!).

The background music during play is perhaps the most diverse ever (multi-talented muliti-tasker, yeah!). Not only does the advancing music become faster and more intense, but activating/completing specific room-adventures includes multiple sound effects (screaming, water-rushing, dinosaurs howling, the game even does its own natural vibrating--and there are many lines of dialogue from the movie that are in the game) with the music. Back to the music; I noticed 3 different musical variations (she's at least 3 different fine women) during a recent 800 million game--while (stopping to appreciate my wonderful girlfriend) holding the ball on a flipper at different times; that was cool.

The game frequently shakes all by itself, for different reasons; some are good, and some are scary. It may not APPEAR to be the most STABLE pinball machine in the world, but it holds itself together very well (yeah!). JP has 2 jackpot lanes; shots from 2 different flippers that can score you the big points--so you're not limited to doing it the same way every time (yeah!). The bonus multiplier is a VERY difficult shot; definitely one of the 2 hardest shots on the playfield. But if you keep trying, you will hit it, and each "advancement" of the multiplier is by 3X; 3X, 6X, 9X, and (believe it or not) 12X (after a System Failure) your total end-of-ball bonus. (12 times your bonus?! There is NO OTHER pinball machine that will let you earn 12 times your bonus!) And this bonus multiplier counts toward your bonus holdover, too. (Like the music, this is an example of something about JP that proves "she" is actually BETTER than anything you can compare "her" to; again, but it's not obvious.)

During multi-ball, this is where JP rules the universe (yeah!). After starting with 3 balls (gorgeous dark hair), you must hit 1 of 2 jackpots (pretty feet). Then you have 5 different letters to hit--to spell CHAOS (thin athletic body). If you hit all 5--with more than one ball still in play, then you get a 6-ball multi-ball to hit those same 5 CHAOS letters again (the softest skin in the universe). If you do that with more than 1 ball in play, then you can "Feed T-Rex" for a 50 million bonus (tiny, cut tummy--with an incredible birthmark). Then both jackpots light up again (Did I mention that she wears NO make-up?), independently (she has her own room), and you have to hit both of them (it's work, but it's worth it). After that, the CHAOS letters light up again (if you do a really good job), and then T-Rex again (it's tough, but I can do it), then the jackpots again (she appreciates being handled well). This game/girl will force you to pay attention (I think I found the CHAOS here), but will reward you handsomely--even with such extremely low maintenance (yeah!).

There is never any down time in Jurassic Park. Sometimes you may need to concentrate on completing small advenures in a specific sequence (exactly), in order to get the most from them (yeah!). Sometimes you're doing ALL YOU CAN to hit, or not hit, some particular target (bingo!)--and you don't always know exactly what's going to happen next (Wow, this is good!). Remember the "smart bomb" in the Stargate/Defender video game? We have exactly one "smart missile" here; it gives you everything that's on the playfield at that time (give it to me, baby!). However, since you can only hit THIS smart missile one time, you need to determine the BEST time to do it (yeah!), and be ready to enjoy it, because that's all you get (OH yeah!).

3 "M"'s for you; multiplier (12X), multi-ball (6 of 'em), and musical variety MAKE JP/Static Girl the BEST ever; you don't even have to stretch for it. IT IS THERE--even if YOU can't see it clearly. And I'd just like to say: MY STATIC GIRL!...This turned out to be a little bit different, a little bit more, and a little bit better than I hoped; so yay for me! And as good as this is, or great even--it doesn't matter. She'll just shrug it off and walk away. That's my girlfriend. Thank you.

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