So I got this e-mail at work about what to do when you're bored on an elevator. Some of you may already know this about me--I don't get bored. But before I even read the e-mail, I started to think of some of the things I do to liven up elevator rides. Imagine my shock when variations of 20(!) things I frequently do on elevators were written out in PG form here. I was impressed.

Before trying any of these out in your faked reality, I do want to remind you that: ALL elevators have cameras in them. Yes, even that one you picked your nose in; somebody saw you--and they still don't care. Get over it; you're not so fucking important after all. To the girls; the security guards are already checking you out on the video cameras; duh, and you should be HAPPY about that--because they are trying to keep you safe. So; while riding alone, if you have nice physical attributes, or pretty underwear on, do a quick flash to the camera (or to all 4 walls if the camera is not obvious). Make some security guard's day! Heck; he'll smile and appreciate that you did something to liven up his job (or maybe you woke him up a little bit). You don't want YOUR security guard to be asleep, do you?

Have fun with the elevator; it's your temporary stage:

~27 Things To Do In An Elevator~

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY space!"

Hey; that's only 26. I distinctly remember the title of this crap e-mail said there would be 27. So let's drop the PG rating, dim the lights, put on some NIN music, and add to the list...No.

Overnight Guy's additions: No hable engles. But if I hable'd engles, I might recommend marking territory, artistic expression, reliving your favorite "Scarface" movie scenes, Shakespeare speeches, alien spawn dances, intense personal introspection, and other things that are quite difficult to explain to news reporters. Push the button.

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