Wow; well, hi everybody! How's it going out there in your little speck? Today, I am older and wiser than I have ever been--which is scary all by itself, and not even the reason we are here--I just wanted to make some small talk before the shock value. I mean, come on you little whiney human excuse factory; you know you're fucked, you're just waiting to see where the end will begin, and you're hoping you get to see it on tv--instead of out your window.

I quit screaming about Edgar Cayce's incredible abilities, and I quit screaming about aliens being here, and I already proved perpetual motion once, with plans for 2 other tries--and it doesn't even matter because Joe Newman's energy-producing machine came before me. Terrorists ensure that the 4 colors of people (white, red, yellow, black) on this planet will never unite and join hands; so we will NEVER "graduate" into the 'Other planets with life' club; in fact, WE will need to be eliminated for the overall good of the galaxy. Shhh. Stay calm; this is no big deal. Our planet already has 3 or 4 times too many people on it, and there's no reasoning with females who think it is their job/duty/mission to breed. Shhh. Breathe. Breathe deeply for me. Magic, ghosts, curses and spells; it's all real, and all in your life everyday--no worries. This is not new; it's just new to you. Shhh. Oh; you have questions? Well I'm sorry--nobody owes you an explanation. Trust me; there are FAR more questions than answers. I bet that YOU will be asking questions AS you die; hoping for some kind of "personalized" revelation. And that is just so cute. Next!

We are here today to talk about coffee. Why coffee? Because all of a sudden my website is really popular; lots of people are all pissed off at me for being so bitter and hateful. People go 'why do you have to be so mean' and stuff; 'why can't you say something nice?'. Hee hee; I giggle. Remember I said I was older and wiser? Yes. Well, here it is folks; the one and probably only, possibly last ever NICE Commentary on my website.

I fucking LOVE coffee! Never mind the heartburn, bad breath, white tongue, numbing of your taste buds, and disintegration of your stomach wall. Digestive problems build character, soldier, and normal bowel movements are for sissies. Hang on; we're not talking about that foamy latte "crappe" stuff that you wait in line to pay $4 for at Java the Hut, no; I'm talking about the coffee you make at home, with your coffee maker. NOT ONLY (oops with the all caps, but I'm leaving it now) NOT ONLY is the quality of the coffee you buy in the store better now than it was just last year, but also the price is lower. Why? We have a world-wide over-abundance of coffee right now. Only the best beans are being used from each crop, and there's more and more crops every year. This year, 2003, is the best year ever to love coffee. As the prices of every other damn thing in the world went up, the price of coffee has almost been cut in half. Also; the number of people who brew coffee at home HAS been cut in half.

I like to make fun of the people who go to the coffee bars, but God bless them. Thanks to them, I no longer have to go cheap, or look for the best value. (Watch out for a blatant Everclear plug.) Thanks to those "Volvo-driving soccer moms", and yuppies and buppies and truppies with more money than sense, and NO TIME to make coffee at home, thank you. A can of Folger's Gourmet Supreme, the same can that cost $16 less than 2 years ago, now costs $4.99 on sale, somewhere, this week. Find it. You will be glad you did. Hey, you know what? It's 4 o'clock in the damn morning, and I'm gonna go brew some coffee right now! Buh-bye.

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