Christmas Season

Get To Know Your Friends

From the wonderful e-mail my FCP sent me:

"Welcome to the Christmas version of get to know your friends. Okay, here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be a SCROOGE!!! Just copy (not forward) this entire email and paste into a new e-mail that you can send. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person that sent it to you......
Tis the Season. HO HO HO!!!"

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Huh? MY idea of a "gift bag" would be a nice ounce of Trainwreck, or maybe some fruity Lemongrass, triple-ziplocked and hidden inside some newspaper--because I don't know if you can smoke wrapping paper. Wow--look at me smiling. I already like this survey.

2. Real tree or Artificial? You mean a Christmas tree, right? Okay; well, I don't get it. Never have, and never will. People buy these fire-trap trees in grocery store parking lots, and dress 'em up, then string hazardous lights all through them. I giggle. Wait! I just remembered; I do own a little, foot-tall fake tree. It's in a box under the stairs. I guess my answer here should have been "Artificial".

3. When do you put up the tree? Ha. That's good. Um, the day before my crazy MoM comes to visit. And then I tell her 'O yeah, Mombo, it's been up since Halloween.'

4. When do you take the tree down? Pay attention; the day my MoM leaves. Are you starting to sense some clarity yet?

5. Do you like eggnog? I knew this was coming. I sort of officially went "New Vegetarian" (MY term) this year, and eggnog probably won't be in my house anymore. But I like it, and possibly will drink it as part of the celebration this season.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? That would be my 1st "pieced" skateboard, "Baethoven". My MoM has pictures of me bursting into tears. Baethoven was a 25 inch Progressive wood deck, with Bennett Pro trucks, and OJ Superjuice wheels. Fuck, now I'm crying again. Oh yeah; that day I also got a full set of Hobie pads, a CCM Proguard helmet, and Rector gloves. Yes--my MoM has a picture of me dressed up in all of that crap, too.

7. Hardest person to buy for? Please. I'm not going to obsess for you, okay? If you want something specific, then tell me what it is (speaking now to all the girlfriends of my past). News Flash: If you don't TELL me what you want, then I'm going to get you something that I like--so at least ONE of us will be happy. It might even look like some weed wrapped up in newspaper, you know, if I can afford it. If not, then it's going to be some music that I want to hear. Bitch.

9. Do you have a nativity scene? No. That's some term for "childbirth", right? I'll pass. My favorite nativity scene is the one in the 2006 Robot Chicken Christmas special.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Ha. I'll send a handful of snail-mailed cards; my MoM guilts me into it every year.

11.Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I'm drawing a blank here.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? "Scrooged" with Bill Murray. And I think I am the only person in the world who liked "Reindeer Games", but that's not really a Christmas movie. We need a new Christmas slasher flick, and some good Christmas porn. My FCP said I would like "Elf".

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Ha. Um, the day before my MoM comes. Or; the last possible moment. In the past I have enjoyed going to stores on Christmas Eve to see the defiant desperation of shoppers gone wild. I giggle.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Every year, baby. Tell you what, Rudolph, I'll come back to this survey in late January 2009 and outline all the re-gifted, recycled, old tapes and CD's, and shit that I find under my bed and in my closet, or maybe in my van, then wrap in newspaper and throw at people and yell 'Merry Christmas, Fuckers'! I am WAY into the spirit of giving this year; ooo look, I'm giving you the finger--right now.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Tee hee. Can we make some brownies? And you probably don't want me to say "My Girlfriend". So let's go with 'the entire meals that bring the largest number of people celebrating together'.

16. Lights on the tree? On my little fake tree? No.

17. Favorite Christmas song? You REALLY don't want me to lose you in the whole paragraph I'm about to do here. My FAVORITE Christmas song of all time is "Departmnent Store Santa" by J. P. Davis, and you've probably never heard it. My #2 fave is Beck's "Little Drum Machine Boy" from the "Sleighed" compilation (honorable mentions to Goldfinger and Less Than Jake, as well). What I listen to the most, over and over, every year, are all 10 songs on the "Even Santa Gets the Blues" compilation. Athens band Trinket covers the Ramones (well) on the 8th Flagpole Christmas album; I also like the Drip and Sunbrain tunes. Then we'd snag Throwing Muses and Matthew Sweet from my "New Wave Xmas" disc, a couple from my "Surfin' Christmas" CD (by The Wave Benders), the R2-D2 song from my Star Wars Christmas CD, and then a couple of those "Redneck Days of Christmas" songs. See? I have lots of crazy Christmas music, AND a psychotic father with his own Christmas album; okay? But you want a classic, don't you? Sure ya do. Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters "Santa Claus is Coming to Town". (Here's my first Christmas song this year, playing now: "Merry Christmas Baby" by B. B. King.)
HOW did I forget Bob and Doug's Great White North 12 Days of Christmas song? That would be my 2nd favorite of all time; move the others down a notch.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay at home? I'd stay here and go to Waffle House--if they had Waffle House's in Oregon. Instead, I'll travel and go visit my girlfriend's family again.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Famine, Pestilence, Greed, Dopey, Doc, Sleezy. I guess not.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Again; I don't get it. Seems like a tree would have a branch, a bud, or a pinecone on top.

21. Open the presents Christmas eve or Christmas day? 2 weeks early. All your presents should be broken by Christmas Day.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? That people (sheeple) want to blindly celebrate something which they really don't understand. I'm all for the social gathering, if that's what you're into, but I'm fucking cold. I want to go home, put on thick socks, and drink good coffee.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Dude; I am so lost. Red is the color, I guess, of the plaid skirt/lingerie that my angelic FCP should wear while she Flagpole dances for me. Ha. Later, she can be a "Flagpole Sitta", too.

24. Favorite dish for Christmas dinner? It could be you, sweetie; give me a little taste. Food-wise, I don't know, surprise me with some good baked vegetables.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Right now I want my first skateboard. Money, weed, and lots of quiet would also be nice. Mmmmmm; Waffle House. Damn I'm hungry. I want my FCP to come out here and "nurse" me (naughtily) through the season.

26. Who is most likely to respond to this? Posting it; what, I have to e-mail it, too?

27. Who is least likely to respond to this? Let's just hope that my MoM doesn't see this.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

In the words of Denis Leary: "I'm high as a kite, my teeth are green; Merry Fuckin' Christmas!"

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