01. WHAT TIME DID YOU GET UP THIS MORNING? 6:30am, to go to my dentist's appt. at 8 am
02. DIAMONDS OR PEARLS? I don't do precious stones. But if I did, I would smuggle diamonds in with all the amethyst. Aren't pearls just oyster spit? Yeah, see, and "Oyster Spit" would be a good band name.
03. WHAT IS THE LAST FILM THAT YOU SAW AT The CINEMA? As a student of Kevin Smith movies, it was my honor and obligation to be at the Mallrats theater to see "Clerks II" in 2006. I was neither sober, nor quiet, as I screamed loudly from the center of the 2nd row in a way that would have made Jay and Silent Bob proud.
04. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW? Currently? PTI. Until "Rescue Me" comes back. Networks will find a way to screw it up, but I really enjoy The Sarah Connor Chronicles, too.
05. WHAT DO YOU USUALLY HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? A banana, or an apple at home; then a Clif bar on the drive to work.
06. WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME? C
07. WHAT FOOD DO YOU DISLIKE? Processed junk from tv commercials, fast food, kid-friendly shit, etc.
08. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CD? Both Angels & Airwaves CD's get played everyday; this is what my February 2008 has been like.
09. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? A 19 yr. old silver 5-door dinosaur with a stock AC Delco AM/FM cassette deck.
10. FAVORITE SANDWICH? My current lunch; a spicy black bean burger (or veggie pizza burger), lettuce, tomato, red onion, pepperjack cheese, and Asian mustard, on Static Girl bread. Add a serrano pepper on the side, a bottle of XXX Vitamin Water, nuts, and you've got a pretty damn awesome foundation right there.
11. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU DESPISE? Closed-minded, elitist, selfish, self-absorbed, me me me, prima donna, entitled women who honestly believe that they are so very important. Women like this are the reason inflatable love dolls exist.
12. FAVORITE ITEM OF CLOTHING? Is it still my green 1996 Fig Dish t-shirt? Apparently.
13. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD ON VACATION, WHERE WOULD YOU GO? Both Carolinas, a week back in Athens, GA, and another week in Savannah to party with Captain Beach Bum. You ask where I would go; but don't you really want to know who I would take with me, what a typical day of this vacation would be like, and what I hope to accomplish? See; 'coz some lazy fool is just going to answer this with "Hawaii". Woo; how exciting.
14. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM? I cleaned it yesterday, so it's kinda...pale white, like me.
15. FAVORITE BRAND OF CLOTHING? Denim and cotton; find me some hemp, too. Wait. What are we talking about?
16. WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE TO? Right now; Canada. Or North Carolina. Did you notice that was a vacation spot, too?
17. WHAT WAS YOUR MOST MEMORABLE BIRTHDAY? I turned 18; a bunch of us consumed party supplies and stayed up all night, culminating in an 8 am football game where we trashed the field of our old high school. Good times. #2 would be my last birthday; I spent 7 hours partying high speed at the Blues Jam of my favorite bar right here.
18. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Hockey has the most action.
19. FARTHEST PLACE YOU ARE SENDING THIS? I have to send this?
20. WHO DO YOU LEAST EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Nobody sends these fuckers back to me.
21. PERSON YOU EXPECT TO SEND IT BACK FIRST? What did I just say?
22. FAVORITE SAYING? "If you say so."
23. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY? My birthday week is the first 10 days of August.
24. ARE YOU A MORNING OR NIGHT PERSON? I would SO rather go back to working nights.
25. WHAT IS YOUR SHOE SIZE? 11, usually.
26. PETS? We adopted 2 great guinea pigs in January.
27. ANY NEW AND EXCITING NEWS THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH US? I was writing in February! I NEVER write in February. Then I got sick, and now I'm really tired. And now I've got all this new noise in my head. The playground is exciting. Chase and taste.
28. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE? Invisible. Anything but human. Hey; you fucking asked.
29. HOW OLD ARE YOU TODAY? In the homestretch of the 25-45 age range.
30. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CANDY? I like the Symphony bars with almonds and toffee. But for now I really want to lick some red hots across the buns and out the crack of some fine girl's ass. And between her boobs, too. Oh hell; I also want to lick from her inside heel all the way up to the inner thigh bristles, until her whole body quivers. Wait; what were we talking about? Favorite candy: whatever she wants me to lick off of her. She might even like the red hots idea. That was a pretty good spontaneous crotch blurt.
31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER? Hemp; that was fucking easy. You know I'm in Oregon, right?
32. WHAT IS A DAY ON THE CALENDAR YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO? Enough with the measuring of moments already! Saturday, Sunday, and whatever the next day I lay the fuck out of work is. Monday, apparently.
33. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? W C D, bitch
34. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? A & A; "I-Empire", and the Cure "Mixed Up".
35. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? My home-made burritos; a garlic rice pot wrapped in jalapeno/cheddar tortillas.
36. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? Sure; wtf else can you do with stars?
37. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? The best answer I ever gave was "midnight blue"; the explanation was so good that I scared myself. You ask about colors, and all I can think of are pretty panties. Pink, red and black are sweet, yes, but not really good for crayons. Pink Panty Pulldown; I guess pink is my color for this exercise.
39. FAVORITE SOFT DRINK? Still Code Red Mountain Dew; I think this is about a 6-year run now. Nothing else comes close.
40. FAVORITE RESTAURANT? I haven't been out to eat in months. But we love the Ring of Fire. They have excellent vegan food, they recycle everything, and it's a local landmark.
41. Hello? McFly? I have no fucking 41 here. Am I supposed to make some shit up, or just move on?
42. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Again with the moment-measuring! Surveys should give you a choice of 5 calender days; ask which one you like best, and why. Nobody fucking listens to me.
43. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? The answer is Legos, followed by giant tinkertoys and Lincoln Logs. The Vertibird, and slot cars would also have their time. What I liked, appreciated, and excelled at was: having a "new", temporary pile of incomplete art, on the floor, in front of me. Now we're going to take this pile and create something from it. And I would. The analogy doesn't fit perfectly to playing a game of pinball now, but close.
44. SUMMER OR WINTER? I'd rather sweat than shiver--but wtf do I know? In the Winter you can snuggle under a blanket with a friend. Red hots; mmmmm.
45. HUGS OR KISSES? Yes, and more of both. Not to complain though; the lack of superficial affection I get from home creates some of the best artistic passion; the NEED to create and deliver. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am. I've been writing in February, for fuck's sake.
46. COFFEE OR TEA? I'm a java junkie, bitch. But I can drink tea; I like green tea. I used to brew my own cold, sweet green tea. Why did I quit?
47. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Any idiot can say chocolate. So; since chocolate has it's customer base lined up around the block, with a 2-hour wait; I'll take a big pile of yummy, familiar vanilla, and lick it all up and down her frame like we did with the red hots. She'll love it. I also want to stick my dick through a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, and watch her lip it off. Huh? What were we talking about? Hmm; you innocently ask about chocolate or vanilla, and I'm over here sticking my dick in candy. Welcome to MY world.
48. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO EMAIL YOU BACK? Mine wouldn't waste their time with this shit.
49. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Ooo, last week when I was sick. I had one really bad night.
50. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? My Buddy Box, baseball cards, and some shoe boxes full of shit that will probably get thrown away when I dig them out again.
51. WHAT FRIEND HAVE YOU HAD THE LONGEST? TPG I guess. I've known him since 1990, and, well, we had a little strain back in 2003-04, then I left Phoenix in 2005. I guess we're okay now--I don't know. I've known my girlfriend for 10 years, and my FCP for 15. Can girls be best friends? Whoa; I've known D. O. since the 10th grade; maybe he wins.
52. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? WTF was last night? Monday? Oh shit; I remember. My girlfriend and I celebrated my not being sick anymore, woo, then I cleaned the downstairs bathroom, vacuumed the whole house, cleaned the upstairs bathtub, and washed all the dishes. Yes; I was very happy with her. I stayed sober, and went to bed before 2 so that I could get up and go see the dentist this morning--isn't that where all this shit started?
Describe Your Lifestyle in Less Than Three Words: Low Impact.
Describe Your Personality in Less Than Three Words: Clever, Crude.
Do you enjoy reading and/or writing poetry? I like to write.
Is music important to you? Very important.
Are you artistic/creative? Compared to the other useless eaters, I am semi-creative, yes. I draw with words; my SO can both word-draw and picture-write.
Coffee Time:
First off, do you even dig coffee? I love coffee; the only time to not drink it is in the middle of a May heat wave--like this one. I'm drinking coffee now, today, but probably only a cup or 2. Not my regular 5 or 6.
About how many times a week do you drink coffee? Times? 5 cups a day?
What time of day do you usually drink it? In between breakfast and lunch.
How long have you been drinking coffee? 24 years.
Do you ever refer to coffee as java or joe? Whatever makes you pour it faster; sure.
How about mocha, ink, or perk? "Mocha" isn't coffee, "Ink" has alcohol (or used to), and "Perk" sounds like Percocet. I'll take a "perc" if you're sharing.
Have you ever even heard these being used? Not lately.
Do you ever substitute a meal with coffee? Coffee is food, beer is food; and if you have enough of them, we'll make Percocet food, too.
Are you easily affected by caffeine? Define "easily". Probably not. But if I drink a half gallon or more, I get a speed-talking caffeine buzz.
What do you usually drink coffee out of? Good question. Go look at the bottom of your 5 favorite coffee mugs; they were ALL made in China. Even my pretty Crater Lake coffee mug was made in China. I thought China hated us, and put lead in our Disney baby bibs. Why are we still doing business with China?
Do you think taste is affected by what you drink it out of? It can be, but not hugely.
Is coffee one of your favorite beverages? Coffee, Beer, and Code Red Mountain Dew.
Do you like coffee ice cream? Yes; very much.
Do you enjoy it black? Not usually.
Do you enjoy it without sweetener, period? Naaa.
Do you always drink it with milk/cream? Usually a non-dairy creamer.
Do you like flavored coffee/adding flavor? Not really; it's already coffee-flavored.
Do you think a good coffee should be sweet and dessert-like? Not always.
Do you drink it hot, Cold, iced Or both? Hot.
What brand of coffee do you drink? Right now it's this Bay Area Espresso stuff; very strong. We prefer fair-trade, shade grown.
Do you like your coffee weak or strong? Strong, usually.
Do you drink decaf? Never.
In your opinion, what are the characteristics of an excellent coffee? It's within reach.
Do you like making your own coffee at home? Or do you prefer it out? Ha. Coffee is personal; it should be for either work or home. I like to make it.
What does the word coffee make you think of? Morning mouth sex.
Who got you to start drinking coffee? Not "who", but "what"? A broken hot chocolate machine in 1983.
How does it affect the way you act? Calming.
Is coffee like a drug? Yes; like sex.
Do you think its bad for you as many claim? No; sex is good for you.
Do you feel as if your growth has been stunted? Not by coffee or sex; no.
Are you addicted? No; I can substitute Code Red on hot days.
High School Crush Stuff, I guess:
Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone? No. I can't even get her to watch us kiss.
When you're walking, do you stop to drink? Where am I walking, and what am I drinking? Am I naked? Is it dark? Up or down steps? These are valid concerns, and this question has nothing to do with high school sex.
Do you believe that if you want something bad enough you'll get it? No I don't.
Have you ever kissed someone in a vehicle? Land vehicle; yes. Air vehicle; no. Space vehicle; not yet (but I have big plans for space porn; gravitate on that, bitch).
Ever snuck out of your house? As a teen, and a 20-something; yes.
Break someone’s heart or have your heart broken? My heart doesn't break so much since high school.
What did you do today? Got out of bed, drank coffee, cooked pasta, checked e-mail.
Do you like someone right this second? I like 2 someones right this second.
Would you ever get a tattoo? Possibly, but I have not yet.
What was the last thing you ate? Judging by the candy wrapper on the floor, I apparently ate a 5 oz Symphony bar at about 4 am. I've already made some more Rigatoni today, for later.
Are you a morning person or a night person? I would rather do nights; maybe I'll get a third shift security guard job.
Do you snore? Supposedly.
Do you know anyone who has gotten an abortion? Yes; and more people need tham.
What would you do if you opened up your front door to a dead body? I would be impressed, and I'd ask the dead body exactly how he/she rang the doorbell.
Do you like to spend time with people? There are 2 people I like to spend time with.
Are you hungry? ONE of the 2 people I like to spend time with makes me very hungry; yes. Excellent question.
Are you a forgiving person? I have examples that go both ways; so maybe my answer to this is that I CAN forgive--if I feel that the person is deserving. But 90 to 95% of all people are idiots, and they weren't worthy of the trust you originally put in them. Forgive my hairy white ass.
When was the last time you did the dishes? Yesterday; I enjoy washing dishes, talking to myself, and underwear-dancing in the kitchen. In fact, I'll be heading back down there soon.
Are you talking to anyone while doing this? Kind of. She's not really here, but I pretend she is.
Do you want a relationship right now? Another one? Thank you; no. I'm busy enough.
What are you about to do? Cook, dance, eat, drink some more coffee. Probably masturbate. Why?
If you could be a superhero what would you want to do? Super speed to yo-yo between the east and west coast instantly.
Your name plus "ness"? Overnight Guy-ness?
Three feelings at the moment? Longing, sweating, throbbing. Damn; I forgot "hungry".
Done anything you regret so far in life? Absolutely. Perhaps you should have asked what my biggest regret so far is.
Are you listening to anything? I just finished the "Make Believe" Weezer (again), now heading for "A Boy Named Goo". 1996, right? Nope; '95. Oh well.
Where are you right now? At my desk? Lane County? Slightly north of California? USA? What exactly are you trying to ask?
Last movie you watched? Serenity here at home. Static Girl and I went to see "Ironman" at the mall; it was good.
Last song you sang out loud? Before "Long Way Down" right here, it was Weezer's "Perfect Situation".
Are you thinking of someone right now? Yes. You caught me. And I'm smiling; I bet she's smiling, too. But don't ask us why we're smiling.
Have you changed much this year? I lost a job, and gained a girlfriend.
Where was the last place you went besides where you are? The bathroom? The bar? Phoenix? Again; be more specific.
Do you dress for style or comfort? Comfort
What's the craziest thing you've done? Define "crazy". Crazy would be letting some other fool make the important decisions in your life. I don't do that.
Favorite color(s)? Purple, with a green chaser
What is your favorite Nickelback song? Probably "Rock Stars". Good question.
What are you looking forward to this summer? Bikinis.
Last time you smiled? Earlier in this survey; pink-icing cupcake, cheerleaders and cherries. I'm starting to get hungry; see how this works? Onion Ring me, pancake syrupy, and there will be grape popsicles later.
If you could choose any fate what would you choose? Read that last question again; food and sexercise.
If you could have anything in the world, what would you want? 2 questions ago now; add some whipped cream and Crown Royal. Lay out the shower curtain, too; this is going to get messy.
Are you taken/single? Singular, but dually-directed.
How old were you when you had your first kiss? 15; and it was a sympathy kiss--she didn't even like me.
What color is your underwear? My new soft blue boxer briefs.
Miss anyone right now? Yes; I miss my long-distance girlfriend--hot sauce for my heart.
Last person you saw? Static Girl.
What was the last thing you said to someone? To Static Girl I said "Don't die!".
How many good friends do you have? This answer changes frequently. I have very few good friends, and the number dwindles daily.
Have you ever cheated on a partner? Yes; it was mutual cheating.
Are you happy with where you are relationship-wise now? I think so. We "created" this relationship to fit us.
What is your idea of true love? This has changed so many times. True love has to fuel your passion; true love must make you hungry.
Do you believe in love at first sight? It has happened before--to thousands of people. So to NOT believe in 'love at first sight' would make you pretty damn stupid. Wouldn't it?
Why or why not? I answered in a complete sentence, thank you.
Do you believe that it is best to have a friendship first then love? Maybe; but I have experience both ways.
Do you believe that love can be found in bars or is that too much of a risk? Find love in a bar? Good luck. I'd rather love the bar than try to find love in it. If it has a pinball machine, then I can LEARN to love the bar. Maybe if other people would LEARN how to love, they might figure out that bars are not the place to find love. Was that a full wrap-around? You're welcome.
Should men and women be expecting the other to buy the other gifts? Women can buy me whatever they want to, and the person who wrote this survey needs grammar assistance: "Each."
Who should wear the pants in the relationship or should it be a mutual give and take? Every relationship is different--and relationships are not an exact science; let the individual skills and strengths determine the coupled coordination. And most of you idiots will never figure out what you're doing wrong.
Should chauvinists of either gender be in a relationship? Know your role (3 words to fix so many things--including these last 4 questions). And, wow; you went all the way there, huh? Entitled women and chauvinist men; all looking for love at first site, in the bar, with their pre-conceived, gift-buying notions about what "true love" and a "relationship" should be. Again; good luck!
Do this survey, hear some good music, and send it to somebody you have a crush on.
"Welcome to the Christmas version of get to know your friends. Okay, here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be a SCROOGE!!! Just copy (not forward) this entire email and paste into a new e-mail that you can send. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person that sent it to you......
Tis the Season. HO HO HO!!!"
(Christmas Season About Me, Baby!)
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Huh? MY idea of a "gift bag" would be a nice ounce of Trainwreck, or maybe some fruity Lemongrass, triple-ziplocked and hidden inside some newspaper--because I don't know if you can smoke wrapping paper. Wow--look at me smiling. I already like this survey.
2. Real tree or Artificial? You mean a Christmas tree, right? Okay; well, I don't get it. Never have, and never will. People buy these fire-trap trees in grocery store parking lots, and dress 'em up, then string hazardous lights all through them. I giggle. Wait! I just remembered; I do own a little, foot-tall fake tree. It's in a box under the stairs. I guess my answer here should have been "Artificial".
3. When do you put up the tree? Ha. That's good. Um, the day before my crazy MoM comes to visit. And then I tell her 'O yeah, Mombo, it's been up since Halloween.'
4. When do you take the tree down? Pay attention; the day my MoM leaves. Are you starting to sense some clarity yet?
5. Do you like eggnog? I knew this was coming. I sort of officially went "New Vegetarian" (MY term) this year, and eggnog probably won't be in my house anymore. But I like it, and possibly will drink it as part of the celebration this season.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? That would be my 1st "pieced" skateboard, "Baethoven". My MoM has pictures of me bursting into tears. Baethoven was a 25 inch Progressive wood deck, with Bennett Pro trucks, and OJ Superjuice wheels. Fuck, now I'm crying again. Oh yeah; that day I also got a full set of Hobie pads, a CCM Proguard helmet, and Rector gloves. Yes--my MoM has a picture of me dressed up in all of that crap, too.
7. Hardest person to buy for? Please. I'm not going to obsess for you, okay? If you want something specific, then tell me what it is (speaking now to all the girlfriends of my past). News Flash: If you don't TELL me what you want, then I'm going to get you something that I like--so at least ONE of us will be happy. It might even look like some weed wrapped up in newspaper, you know, if I can afford it. If not, then it's going to be some music that I want to hear. Bitch.
9. Do you have a nativity scene? No. That's some term for "childbirth", right? I'll pass. My favorite nativity scene is the one in the 2006 Robot Chicken Christmas special.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Ha. I'll send a handful of snail-mailed cards; my MoM guilts me into it every year.
11.Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I'm drawing a blank here.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? "Scrooged" with Bill Murray. And I think I am the only person in the world who liked "Reindeer Games", but that's not really a Christmas movie. We need a new Christmas slasher flick, and some good Christmas porn. My FCP said I would like "Elf".
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Ha. Um, the day before my MoM comes. Or; the last possible moment. In the past I have enjoyed going to stores on Christmas Eve to see the defiant desperation of shoppers gone wild. I giggle.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Every year, baby. Tell you what, Rudolph, I'll come back to this survey in late January 2009 and outline all the re-gifted, recycled, old tapes and CD's, and shit that I find under my bed and in my closet, or maybe in my van, then wrap in newspaper and throw at people and yell 'Merry Christmas, Fuckers'! I am WAY into the spirit of giving this year; ooo look, I'm giving you the finger--right now.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Tee hee. Can we make some brownies? And you probably don't want me to say "My Girlfriend". So let's go with 'the entire meals that bring the largest number of people celebrating together'.
16. Lights on the tree? On my little fake tree? No.
17. Favorite Christmas song? You REALLY don't want me to lose you in the whole paragraph I'm about to do here. My FAVORITE Christmas song of all time is "Departmnent Store Santa" by J. P. Davis, and you've probably never heard it. My #2 fave is Beck's "Little Drum Machine Boy" from the "Sleighed" compilation (honorable mentions to Goldfinger and Less Than Jake, as well). What I listen to the most, over and over, every year, are all 10 songs on the "Even Santa Gets the Blues" compilation. Athens band Trinket covers the Ramones (well) on the 8th Flagpole Christmas album; I also like the Drip and Sunbrain tunes. Then we'd snag Throwing Muses and Matthew Sweet from my "New Wave Xmas" disc, a couple from my "Surfin' Christmas" CD (by The Wave Benders), the R2-D2 song from my Star Wars Christmas CD, and then a couple of those "Redneck Days of Christmas" songs. See? I have lots of crazy Christmas music, AND a psychotic father with his own Christmas album; okay? But you want a classic, don't you? Sure ya do. Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters "Santa Claus is Coming to Town". (Here's my first Christmas song this year, playing now: "Merry Christmas Baby" by B. B. King.)
HOW did I forget Bob and Doug's Great White North 12 Days of Christmas song? That would be my 2nd favorite of all time; move the others down a notch.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay at home? I'd stay here and go to Waffle House--if they had Waffle House's in Oregon. Instead, I'll travel and go visit my girlfriend's family again.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Famine, Pestilence, Greed, Dopey, Doc, Sleezy. I guess not.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Again; I don't get it. Seems like a tree would have a branch, a bud, or a pinecone on top.
21. Open the presents Christmas eve or Christmas day? 2 weeks early. All your presents should be broken by Christmas Day.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? That people (sheeple) want to blindly celebrate something which they really don't understand. I'm all for the social gathering, if that's what you're into, but I'm fucking cold. I want to go home, put on thick socks, and drink good coffee.
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Dude; I am so lost. Red is the color, I guess, of the plaid skirt/lingerie that my angelic FCP should wear while she Flagpole dances for me. Ha. Later, she can be a "Flagpole Sitta", too.
24. Favorite dish for Christmas dinner? It could be you, sweetie; give me a little taste. Food-wise, I don't know, surprise me with some good baked vegetables.
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Right now I want my first skateboard. Money, weed, and lots of quiet would also be nice. Mmmmmm; Waffle House. Damn I'm hungry. I want my FCP to come out here and "nurse" me (naughtily) through the season.
26. Who is most likely to respond to this? Posting it; what, I have to e-mail it, too?
27. Who is least likely to respond to this? Let's just hope that my MoM doesn't see this.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
In the words of Denis Leary: "I'm high as a kite, my teeth are green; Merry Fuckin' Christmas!"