To An FML (Fake Moon Landing) Update, 2018
This is my first commentary in years. Eat shit. Stand back. You're welcome.
I got back from my 3rd 2018 trip to Florida in May. That's when I learned about the 'Mandela Effect' (alternative groupthink, and, individual memories have changed; some mental, some physical). Wait. Why is it a "Mandela Effect"? Well:
SOME people are absolutely sure that Nelson Mandela died in prison way back in the 1980's or early 90s. The specific "date" is not important; the point is that many people "think" Nelson has been dead for over 20 years. I was reading news sites and pinball rankings online everyday back in 2013; I remember when Nelson Mandela died in December. So how would one moron think/how many morons DO think NelMan died in the 1980's? I don't know; let's ask my parents:
Dad: 'I can't remember much from the 80's, son.'
Mom: 'Mandela definitely died in the 80's. No doubt; I remember his funeral distinctly.'
Explaining how the 'Mandella Effect' affects you usually requires a back-and-forth conversation, with examples. So if you don't get it yet then ask your kids.
As with many things, MY personal experiences with Mandela Effect are expanded:
(My pinball pre-story is explained by this Mandela Effect thing!) In '85 or '86, over Christmas Break I played ONE game of Laser War pinball at the Time Out arcade at Lenox Square in Atlanta for over 2 hours (Stan, Phil, and another guy from TN were all there) with a crowd of people all the way around me and the machine. And that is a great story; except that Laser War pinball did not exist until 1987. What game did I play for 3 hours that was called Laser War? What was I doing--if not playing pinball? What were those people watching? Which script got flipped? This weird story of "dazed 80's arcade zombies" means nothing to YOU, but it was like a new view of the JFK assassination for me; I was not prepared.
In the early 90's we telemarketed BerenstEin Bear books. To us bipolar phone whores, any product's spelling change was a simple progression of time and label--like when a brand logo moved to 'softer and happier' colors. See? Supervisors in this Telemarket Hell said that the name was "BerenstAin" Bears years ago, when they read the books as kids. Through the 80's and 90's mood-marketing culture; OF COURSE "-stain" will transition to the more namely "-stein"; duh. These co-workers did not know the progression from 70's "Jefferson Airplane" to 90's "Starship", but they were absolutely positive about the spelling of a fictional bear family from their childhood. Oh Fuck Me. Just ONE letter in a name changed; or, ONE syllable in a movie, song, or speech "seems" different to you now? Jeezus. STFU already. Wake me when you change the bible. The Mandela Effect is stupid.
How about a naomi "bought" in THIS decade? In 2012, at the Bijou theater in Eugene, during the beginning of (highly anticipated horror movie) "Cabin In The Woods", as the actors names flashed and held on a black screen, John Kassir's name was listed (good 80's comic/actor/voice-over talent). I saw Bradley Whitford's name on screen, and Amy Acker's, Sigourney Weaver's, and a bunch of other ones, too. In the mix of those regular Whedon-movie names, I also saw "John Kassir". I already knew that many good actors were in this film--now here's a "shazam" just for me! And so I screamed "John Fucking Kassir is in this, too? The Man of 1000 Voices?!!?" Yeah. But I yelled for nothing. He's not in the movie, and he is not listed in the credits. He never was? Then what did I see on the screen, and what did I respond to? I silenced that entire fucking theater when I screamed those words; trust me. Or maybe I was just "paying" too much attention again; huh? Buy (Depeche Mode's) "Ultra", too.
Oh, just skip this puddle where I shit "reality" all over your Mandela Effect HOME MOVIE nonsense. Ask "Clerks" from the 80's/90's about tape-switching:
CALLING ALL FREAKS: EVERY movie you've seen on a 20th Century theater screen is likely different from the home-viewing version; and that prospect was called "artistic license" back in the day--'Wizard of Jaws Wars', bitches. And my explanation/denial works well for pre-digitally recorded movies, for a while, until it doesn't. Shit. Well; at least I cleaned up the real-life bit here, right before the Prom Night 2, "only child with a Bob Lazar complex who masturbates to horror films and Tales From The Crypt episodes" rant. Right; so read the "altered" joke, but then skip the PN2 rant. Okay?
My Official Mandela Effect Joke (CLEAN):
This will be ME, talking to Le Governmenatti:
So you did change the bible; 11-6 IS a 'dwelling wolf' now? Cool.
And you finally nip/tucked the Zapruder film? Hey; it's about "time".
And later, you misread a Bangles' lyrics sheet? Well; who hasn't?
But then you took Dolly's braces away from Jaws in Moonraker,
and STUFF JUST GOT REALLY MESSED UP!
Now that scene does not make any movie-sense AT ALL.
So; the enire James Bond franchise is a lie.
And all residual VISA mini-credit card commercials are lies, too.
Thanks Cern. I blame Obama. Lock her up; there was no collusion.
Yes. So; 'masturbating to a serial killer's voice' is fascinating, yet tolerable, sir. However; now you are writing jokes inside of your own commentaries, and for THAT we're going to have to kick you out of this bar.
Quid Pro Quo, ladies. Quid Pro Quo.
And now I'm about to go all PN2 on you:
Movie-Mandella offering: It's not like the short "body-cross" was even relevant IN Prom Night 2. This scene of a freshly possessed girl rubbing her 'new' chest and crotch, and saying things like "Oh yeah, I can work with this body!"--that IS a bit steep for a regular R-rating. And; most types of on-screen masturbation have been clipped from other American films. But PN2 already had been released on VHS for rentals. The easiest thing to do back then was to just re-cut the master tape, make new rental tapes, then replace old copies with new ones. Tape-switching was done daily in the 80's and 90's. I used to have a paper conspiracy list of altered VHS movies--or did it just disappear like a deleted movie scene? PN2 was my jam; I got to "rent" the original PN2, AND some original Bob Lazar "bending the fabric/element 115/earth-shattering-kaboom" videos multiple times. And now; most of my original paper documentations live on--as videos about movie changes, Mandela style; oh well--at least I was on the front end...I look forward to watching the original Star Wars and original Wizard Of Oz later in 2018 (JAWS can bite me!). Maybe I can Mandela some new f/x for you surface-dwelling card-shoppers "mall" by myself.
(excerpt from my unpublished journal) "...1:10 am I was real-crying; EAT A DICK. I mean; I'm an emotional loner who lashes out. Yes. So; while writing my very smug pre-disposal of the Mandela Effect commentary (Dolly still had braces/life still made sense), that's when I just blew my nose in, then wiped my nose with, a Walmart receipt from May. 2018; yes. But still--May. And still a Walmart receipt! I just covered one nostril + blew the other--acting like I am the only man on earth; with no landing plan for the phlegm, and no exit-strategy if the snot lands on me! Who does that? And then; we won't waste a valuable, almost sterile, off-brand Post-It note on this; no, no, no; we reach over and blindly grab that dusty, debit card reminder, and dig in!
This is so fail. This is many layers of failure. This is like "Failure network marketing", also from the VHS 80's. Let's watch another video! Look at me; I'm about to do a callback to a commentary that isn't finished yet, right into this sticky Walmart receipt:
Bring home such multi-level stupidity with:
Next time I'll blow my nose with a wiped Bob Lazar video-tape from the mid-1980's!"
Sinbad/Shazam: For the rest of you chattering droolers--There was a Sinbad movie; or, there was NOT a Sinbad movie in the late 80's or early 90's (you know, when Nelson Mandela died) where Sinbad played a Genie who "wished" a kid's divorced parents back together. Shazam? I honestly don't remember the movie. But I DO remember 80's sitcoms mentioning the word Shazam. And I remember "A Different World" and "The Cosby Show" making 'familiarized' Shazam references in the 80's. (Hey! Did Sinbad guest-star on some 'Cosby' shows and say a magic word?) Sinbad also dressed as a genie at least twice to host movie marathons (?), and he may have done genie skits on different specials/sketch comedy shows. And I am very happy that another good 80's comic/actor/voice over talent is getting some current press, but I'm not going to lose sleep over an 80's pre-LMN feature of Sinbad--while I am beating pinball machines in multiple realities? Wtf was I doing in competitive pinball?
Moon landing! Yes; we're almost there--I promise. June 2018; I'm still watching 'Mandela Effect vids for immature seniors'. Then in late June 2018 I made that mistake...I wandered off to the right side of my You Tube screen. It was some combo of "Mandela Effect, Fake Moon Landing, Flat Earth, and more!" Every voice in my head tried to warn me. Too late--welcome to my first free You Tube Wormhole.
What I WENT to find was some update on the 1969 FAKE-AS-FUCK first moon landing, citing all of my "Ancient Aliens" guys. Also; I have a Dr.'s note--because I was an Atlanta child. 2 quick things;
1. Atlanta had UHF channel 17 (young Ted Turner tv), and "kids like us" rarely slept; so we didn't need to see Apollo 11's landing to know what 24 hours of low-budget, poorly-planned, "unfocused" space movies with weak plots looked like. Ha!
2. The Atlanta Falcons were on national tv a few months after we moonwalked (which was huge), but our family could not get any good reception with our old "rabbit ears" indoor antenna.
Thinking that it was merely my Dad's current inability, today, football Sunday/Atlanta Falcons on national tv; a daytime lacking, now, to do something (get tv reception) that he had already proven very capable of--in much harder circumstances, with higher stakes, during a ONE-time offer, with less visibility/AT NIGHT! So; while looking at a Sunday afternoon snowy screen, 4 yr. old me said
'But we saw the moon landing just fine.'.
No pressure here, right? Something current, excused deflection, personal revelation/soapbox it up, then just casually bury the lead/say that 'women are actually the liars here'; ha, then leave NASA's "legs" cliff-hanging above those lying women.
Shhh. Watch this:
Hey Trump's New NASA Space Force; just admit that the first landing in '69 was a fake. Okay? We went to the moon later; 5 more times in the 70's. The Ancient Aliens guys explain it well enough FOR YOU. Over many later moon trips we danced with dolls, hit golf balls, and drove a cart around a little crater parking lot; yes, and we collected lots of "moon rocks". I originally thought you were saying that we had clubs ON, and had a golf cart "hitched" TO Apollo 11 in '69--no we didn't! We just HAD to beat Russia to the moon; nothing else mattered. Apollo 11 was just 'one necessary lie'--it's no big deal. We made 5 more trips. 'Fess up, NASA Spaceboys! Come Clean with the Green Screen! Clarke, Disney, Kubrick, Nixon, Von Braun; all of you--get out here, and take a full bow! That was some extra-ordinary footage; hard to believe it's all fake. Now; just look into the lens and say that you're sorry for lying. It's not a trap at all. Women don't even care if you lie just once, necessarily; ask a mother or teacher. So; look in here and tell 3.3 billion "trust-issued" females you lied to them. On purpose. And that it was for their own good.
God only knows why you stupid fucks believed in that first moon landing.
Oop. I mean:
Stay tuned for part 2; "NASA's NEW Moon Story"...